Raising Geeks

geek

Growing up, I wanted to have two kids. A boy named Josh and a girl named Mercedes. Josh would naturally be the big man on campus, and when I say that, imagine me saying it the way your grandmother says it when she asks you about school. "How's school, Josh? I assume you're the big man on campus like your father?" Josh's father in this scenario being Dr. Peter Venkman or Jonathon Brandis. Mercedes would be a popular genius/cheerleader. She'd be involved in dance and gymnastics and all … [Read More...]

Hot pants.

Ya know what, Target guy, I know I look like a crazy person pushing a cart of screaming boys, wearing a black turtleneck sweater, red booty shorts with "HO HO HO" on the butt, and black boots with knee high Hello Kitty socks, but listen to me, look into my eyes, if you don't go in the back and tell … [Read More...]

Steak Marinade

Few things in the world get me laid faster than a well cooked steak....especially when made for dinner on the eve of an OSU game. Such a overlapping of wonderment occurred this Saturday, as I feel the need to check into my chore chart of wifely duties on a semi bi-monthly basis. So, red meat, … [Read More...]

Woozy.

Hello.What's with the shaking and convulsing, you ask?Oh you know, just the after effects of my morning starvation diet in preparation for my 1 hour of fuckinghell glucose test.Not familiar?Oh, it's what us pregnant types do to make sure we don't get gestational diabetes, so that I may guiltlessly … [Read More...]

In no particular order…

1. Pft. I am a tough sell. I've known this for a while, but after your 8374756382940 Dear John letters, it starts to hit a nerve. Bottom line. I curse too much, use lewd language, and set a tone that generally doesn't jive with most publication standards. Especially of the mommy … [Read More...]

It’s alive!

I woke up today and realized I can't remember the last time I brushed my kid's teeth. Or shaved under my arms. Or, for that matter, left the house. But, my hair looks fierce, in that tousled Vicky Secret kind of way, and my boobs are way hot. I totally need to vacuum though. And maybe … [Read More...]

Gloria Steinem come punch me in the face now.

They came to shut my water off today. Which was annoying, as I was all curled up on the couch watching CNN for the latest on the Travis Barker/ DJ AM plane crash saga (which CNN kept interrupting with all this "filler" about terrorist bombings and gas shortages...hello, we want the real news, … [Read More...]

Grounded until your water breaks.

Yesterday I had my first appointment with the nurse, the one where she rattles of a million medieval diseases, I nod no to them all, she gives me a captain's log worth of blood work scripts, and sends me on my way with a huge bag full of free shit...which is the only reason I got knocked up in the … [Read More...]

Disenfranchised.

It is 8:30 am. I am eating a cold chicken burrito from Chipotle. In bed. No beans. Extra rice. Extra guac. It could be because I woke up starving and if I did not immediately eat something rightfuckingnow I would throw up right then and there in bed, and instead of bringing me crackers … [Read More...]

My thoughts on Sarah Palin

Ugh. Just kidding. But, seriously, my nipples hurt. Bad. I mean, don't get me wrong, the first trimester graces you with boobs to rival Playboy, but it comes at a cost. If so much as the wind hits them, they bleed and fall off. I have spent the last 2 hours in my room trying to … [Read More...]

The Scarlet Letter

I have sex. You know, with my husband...mostly...I don't own stock in D batteries for nothing (wink, wink....um...totally exaggerating darling, you are a tiger in the sack. roar.). So yeah, I said it. Please note my keen ability to announce to the world wide web my gift for getting it on, … [Read More...]