Today I am 28.
My golden birthday.
I would love to find myself in a booth somewhere eating a whole lobster and downing Blue Moons. But, alas, that is not in the cards at this point.
Very, very soon.
So today, in place of my yummy beer and lobster fest, I am … [Read More...]
Lots of sex. Doggy style. And lots of walking.
Thanks for the tips overweight former male teacher from grade school.
I love unsolicited labor advice when I am randomly standing in line behind you at the pharmacy.
Especially from hairy, fat dudes from my … [Read More...]
It just hit me I am going to have three kids.
I was in the bathroom, totally hating myself for the spicy chicken sandwich I picked up from Wendys and practicing some none hideous pushing the baby out faces in the mirror with the door locked, and the boys were literally trying to break the door … [Read More...]
When you can't drink.
And you spend the whole time running after your kids.
So they don't break something (an urn).
Or lose something (heart medication/erection pills).
Or die (nosehair clippers in the socket).
So, I spend the day all hot and sweaty.
Repeating 20 … [Read More...]
I have been pregnant three times.
I can't really say I've glowed through any of them.
In fact, I have no knocked up pictures from round one, and since I was carrying the weight of dos pregnancies the second time around, I have zip from that experience either.
The only documented proof I … [Read More...]
So, I know why you are all here.
I'm like a time bomb.
Did she pop?
Is she live vlogging the birth?
Will she poop on the table?
And the truth is, no. I didn't pop...yet. I am not vlogging the birth, as I can in no way verify what the fuck things even look like down there anymore. … [Read More...]
Why can't we all wear elastic waist maternity pants, like, all the time?
How can everyone not be on board with this?
You can eat forever, they are super easy to slip off when you are having sex on the basement steps while your kids watch Dora, and they would virtually eradicate the muffin … [Read More...]
Ok, so you freak the fuck out over Jello Pudding Pops in the freezer section of Walmart, and people start treating you like Britney Spears. And not, Circus I have my shit together thanks to my daddy and cheese grits Britney. No. The I shave all my fucking hair off and attack shit with umbrellas … [Read More...]
Thank you E! and THS Investigates: Spring Break, for further solidifying in my mind why my kids will never, ever go on spring break of any kind, anywhere.
Boobs and booze and whipped cream...which is how I remember Spring Break in the old days.
Now it's all date rape drugs, hood piercings and … [Read More...]