I got home at midnight Monday night.
I was woozy from beer, steak, pasta salad, and cake. Lots of cake.
I couldn't even drive myself.
I mean, I could've, but I had to unzip my pants and recline my seat to function properly, and I am always super afraid a truck driver is going to drive up … [Read More...]
Originally posted on the website Aiming Low, reposted here for posterity.
Back in the old days...you know...when I was being courted...I was quite the dresser.
Cute dresses. Sexy jeans and shirts. Pretty shoes.
I was, like, working it.
Smelled good. Looked good. And, I can't be sure, … [Read More...]
I've been places, people.
I've seen things.
24 hours ago...I could not describe to you the inside of the room someone would need to go into to produce a sample to test to see if their vasectomy worked or not.
Now I can.
I didn't start out there. I started out in the car. With three … [Read More...]
WHO PUT ME IN CHARGE OF DOING ALL THE ADULT THINGS?
This is what I yelled when the gas guy came to shut my gas off.
He was all, you need to pay your bill every month, and I was all, what do I even need gas for, it's summer, THIS IS A SCAM, and he was all, ok lady, I am shutting it off, and I … [Read More...]
Do you smell that?
Pencils, markers, highlighters, boxes of crayons, glue, notebooks, folders...
Want to have sex with me?
Walk me through the aisles of Office Max.
And then buy me curly fries from Arbys.
The smell of office supplies? Orgasmic.
It started young.
Back to school … [Read More...]
I saw you for the first time yesterday in, I don't know...years.
Maybe four or five.
I wanted to say hi.
But, I didn't want it to be awkward or strained.
I always get too close too fast, bypassing the normal customs of boundaries and intimacy.
I come on too strong.
I don't have a filter.
I … [Read More...]
Originally posted on Aiming Low, reposted here for posterity.
I jerk awake suddenly.
I reached for him, but my bed was empty.
What time was it, it felt too late for him to not be there.
He stayed late at work finishing a project.
He told me he would be home by midnight.
Where's the … [Read More...]
When I order chinese take out.
They always put two forks in the bag.
As in, I have ordered the amount of food that would take two normal people to eat.
But, there's not two people.
There's only me.
It's just that, I like egg rolls. And MSG.
I know you not.
I … [Read More...]
My 10 year high school reunion is 2 months away, and with that date hanging ominously over my head, it's hard to come up with a post that doesn't touch on how incredibly old I feel these days, and how that aforementioned oldness is effecting my life. I would like to think that I am still as awesome … [Read More...]
My husband's car overheated on the way to work. He pulled over, got out, opened the hood, and liquid from some hole in the engine-ish area exploded, like, all over. And then, some douche bag totally clipped his car as it sat on the side of the road.
It was super scary.
But not what this … [Read More...]