Cinched

waist training

My waist cincher is making me a monster. Let me start this post by saying there are very few things I won't try when offered or dared. Like if you take a sip of soda and it tastes weird, so you're all, "I think the soda machine is out this tastes gross." I will then take a sip of your drink to verify. … [Read More...]

Babies are hard, yo.

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So, ok, first things first. Looky, presh-us tiny baby gurl, lovely cheekies, wittle baby fin-gurs, num num num. We are now officially two weeks in.  Let's review. 1.  Baby vagina...totally creepy. Ok so, I have a vagina of my own.  I know what it kinda-ish looks like. I drank and … [Read More...]

A piece of my Americana.

You know those places in town that call themselves health spas, but everyone knows they are totally whore houses? I mean, what kind of health spa sets up shop in an old bait shop and puts bars and black out shades on every window? You're not fooling anyone, secret hookers! Holy crap, I love … [Read More...]

The best way to spend a Thursday night in April.

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So, I had a baby. And she's lovely, and wonderful, and she smells like fairy dust and cookies. Seriously. She is delicious. I could eat her. Whole. And childbirth? Childbirth was magical. My body became an embodiment of the soul of mother nature, my insides twisting and … [Read More...]

April 30th

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She's here. And I'm in love. … [Read More...]

Bear down…whatever the crap that means, anyways.

It's time. Ouchie. This....might hurt a bit. Too late for kegels on the way to the hospital? Hope not. … [Read More...]

Twenty Eight.

Today I am 28. My golden birthday. I would love to find myself in a booth somewhere eating a whole lobster and downing Blue Moons.  But, alas, that is not in the cards at this point.  But soon. Very, very soon. So today, in place of my yummy beer and lobster fest, I am … [Read More...]

General Tso’s guide to labor and placenta eating.

Lots of sex.  Doggy style.  And lots of walking.  Wow. Really? Thanks for the tips overweight former male teacher from grade school. I love unsolicited labor advice when I am randomly standing in line behind you at the pharmacy. Especially from hairy, fat dudes from my … [Read More...]

That will bring us back to doe…oh, oh, oh.

It just hit me I am going to have three kids. I was in the bathroom, totally hating myself for the spicy chicken sandwich I picked up from Wendys and practicing some none hideous pushing the baby out faces in the mirror with the door locked, and the boys were literally trying to break the door … [Read More...]

EEE-stir and the twins.

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Holidays suck. When you can't drink. And you spend the whole time running after your kids. So they don't break something (an urn). Or lose something (heart medication/erection pills). Or die (nosehair clippers in the socket). So, I spend the day all hot and sweaty. Repeating 20 … [Read More...]

Am sexy, y’all.

belly-use

I have been pregnant three times. I can't really say I've glowed through any of them. In fact, I have no knocked up pictures from round one, and since I was carrying the weight of dos pregnancies the second time around, I have zip from that experience either. The only documented proof I … [Read More...]