I have had this window open for over a week. Every morning I walk into my office and click this tab to find a log in window pop up; "log in to save changes, click cancel to leave without saving."
I log in. … [Read More...]
There's a section in my Parents Magazine called, It Happened To Me, where parents write in and share some horrific thing they experienced so that we can all learn from their random mistake.
I read it in the bathroom.
It's a section I usually use to convince myself how much better of a parent I … [Read More...]
So, I was going to tell you all about how I had this brilliant idea and have now begun to only pay for things with Hong Kong dollars, because it is both genius and the most hilarious thing ever, even though my husband doesn't find it funny at all, and has stopped going through the Taco Bell drive … [Read More...]
I'm not a breast feeder.
Not in the traditional sense.
I mean, I've had shit licked off my boobs before, but not, like, a whole meal.
You know those women, who sit upon their suckled pedestals, passing judgment on formula feeding women, organizing breastfeeding sit-ins when their right to … [Read More...]
OK, so you know what's hard?
Catching semen in a cup.
You know what's harder?
Getting the semen to come out in the first place.
I mean, there are restrictions about, like, preserving the sterility of the sperm...I don't know, it was fucking insane.
I would go into more detail, but … [Read More...]
I got home at midnight Monday night.
I was woozy from beer, steak, pasta salad, and cake. Lots of cake.
I couldn't even drive myself.
I mean, I could've, but I had to unzip my pants and recline my seat to function properly, and I am always super afraid a truck driver is going to drive up … [Read More...]
Originally posted on the website Aiming Low, reposted here for posterity.
Back in the old days...you know...when I was being courted...I was quite the dresser.
Cute dresses. Sexy jeans and shirts. Pretty shoes.
I was, like, working it.
Smelled good. Looked good. And, I can't be sure, … [Read More...]
I've been places, people.
I've seen things.
24 hours ago...I could not describe to you the inside of the room someone would need to go into to produce a sample to test to see if their vasectomy worked or not.
Now I can.
I didn't start out there. I started out in the car. With three … [Read More...]
WHO PUT ME IN CHARGE OF DOING ALL THE ADULT THINGS?
This is what I yelled when the gas guy came to shut my gas off.
He was all, you need to pay your bill every month, and I was all, what do I even need gas for, it's summer, THIS IS A SCAM, and he was all, ok lady, I am shutting it off, and I … [Read More...]
Do you smell that?
Pencils, markers, highlighters, boxes of crayons, glue, notebooks, folders...
Want to have sex with me?
Walk me through the aisles of Office Max.
And then buy me curly fries from Arbys.
The smell of office supplies? Orgasmic.
It started young.
Back to school … [Read More...]
I saw you for the first time yesterday in, I don't know...years.
Maybe four or five.
I wanted to say hi.
But, I didn't want it to be awkward or strained.
I always get too close too fast, bypassing the normal customs of boundaries and intimacy.
I come on too strong.
I don't have a filter.
I … [Read More...]