What I Really Say To Your Husband

Ladies, your husbands are emailing me. Repeatedly. You may or may not have any idea this is happening. It's probably while you're in the shower, or after you go to bed. Or maybe when you think they're texting a co-worker on the couch, or in the bathroom on their iPads. … [Read More...]

Ticking.

So, I know why you are all here. I'm like a time bomb. Did she pop? Is she live vlogging the birth? Will she poop on the table? And the truth is, no.  I didn't pop...yet.  I am not vlogging the birth, as I can in no way verify what the fuck things even look like down there anymore.  … [Read More...]

Hot dog hands and skinny jeans

Why can't we all wear elastic waist maternity pants, like, all the time? How can everyone not be on board with this? You can eat forever, they are super easy to slip off when you are having sex on the basement steps while your kids watch Dora, and they would virtually eradicate the muffin … [Read More...]

My own personal brand of crazy, Volume 93848567372

nursery-use

Ok, so you freak the fuck out over Jello Pudding Pops in the freezer section of Walmart, and people start treating you like Britney Spears.  And not, Circus I have my shit together thanks to my daddy and cheese grits Britney.  No.  The I shave all my fucking hair off and attack shit with umbrellas … [Read More...]

Uno más.

Thank you E! and THS Investigates: Spring Break, for further solidifying in my mind why my kids will never, ever go on spring break of any kind, anywhere. Boobs and booze and whipped cream...which is how I remember Spring Break in the old days. Now it's all date rape drugs, hood piercings and … [Read More...]

Rainbow sherbet makes me smile.

It's funny where you can have your find Jesus moment. For me, it was sitting on the toilet in my OB's office with piss on my hands. But, it was my own piss...so not entirely disgusting. It is just getting increasingly hard for me to catch things in a cup. Anyways. I am sitting on the … [Read More...]

Even I know I suck.

Lost looks stupid. I've never liked coffee or tea. Angelina Jolie annoys me. I hate peanuts. I get bored laying out in the sun. Do I suck yet? Cats are the devil. OMG I know, right.  Who hates cats? People who spit on babies and punch old people, that's who. And these … [Read More...]

Tornadoes are whores.

This winter was rough for me. It's usually never an issue.  Country life in the winter is a blast.  Snowmobiles, 4-wheeling, sledding, our annual Drunk Winter Olympics.  It's a fun time. I think it just got to me because I am so...immobile.  Winter is way more fun when you can be out and about … [Read More...]

Like taking candy from a baby…or, like, a super creepy old person.

I've become a touch paranoid. Yesterday I was at my brothers, playing with the puppies, completely disregarding their birthing experience I have since forever mentally blocked from my mind, and he was watching some boy show called Operation Repo.  It's like, where cameras follow the companies who … [Read More...]

Martyr.

I should preface this post with the fact that I feel absolutely horrible for anyone who has to live with me and/or be in a 25 foot radius of me. Even I can't stand me. First off, I am exhausted.  And exhausted is a word I used to toss around a lot, like one time when my husband and I were … [Read More...]

deuce

You know what I am sick of?  Every other person on the planet who is pregnant and does not weigh almost 200 lbs.  You women.  The ones who are barely showing, and when you do, it looks like you merely have a nerf ball tucked under your shirt.  The ones who are soo frustrated that they are … [Read More...]