On the road, again.

So tomorrow, we are driving to Florida.  Again. I know. Like Lindsay Lohan, I just never learn. But, we need to get away.  Like, Andy and I just look at each other with a face that says, "I need to fucking leave this place before everyone dies in a bathtub." So, we decided to change it up a bit by renting a house for a week, casually doing the theme park thing, and also, bringing my parents.  This is awesome for two reasons.  The first because they haven't been on vacation in, like, … [Continue reading...]

Welcome Home

garage 2

You know how in Twilight, Alice has visions of people's future in her head, and when she can't see it, it's because they are dead or something? That is how I like to pretend my brain works. In my mind, I am psychic, so I feel like if I don't envision something happening, it's because it doesn't. Which means that when I couldn't mentally visualize meeting Andy at the airport, it's because he died in a fiery plane crash on the way home from Korea. Which was horrifying, because I'd make … [Continue reading...]

Step 2: Ruining Your Life

For the life of me, I cannot remember at what age I first felt embarrassed by my parents. I feel like it wasn't something I knew I was supposed to feel by myself, but rather, something someone else told me I was supposed to be feeling. Wanna ride with me and my mom for the field trip?  She's going to have pop and candy in the car! Your mom drives a station wagon with wood paneling on the side, and Tara's mom's van has a real television in it. Tara's van smelled like wet St. Bernards and … [Continue reading...]

The Bridal Shower.

I should preface this by saying, I do not bring my kids to bridal showers. Hell, I barely get excited about bringing them children's birthday parties, because balancing three flimsy paper plates full of pulled pork sandwiches and explaining why you can't open other people's presents 4000 times is akin to eating at Long John Silvers.  You think a basket of popcorn shrimp might be a good idea at 2am, but it never is. I do, however, bring my kids to baby showers, but that is more of a public … [Continue reading...]

I’m why you should have to take a test to become a parent.

It took me a second to realize I was fucked. I had just gotten home from the airport and herded everyone inside, passing the bookbags hung neatly on the hooks in the mudroom, when it hit me. In a very slow motion ohhhhhh ssshhhhhittttttttt fashion. Sure, I could take over schlepping out the garbage and figuring out how to work the air compressor to put air in my leaky tire, even though measuring air in pounds is stupid because air doesn't even weigh anything and it should be weighed in … [Continue reading...]