No Title, Just Me Screaming and Holding Your Hands and Jumping In The Air

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Everywhere I went, I was asked the same question. Sooo... what is this book is about? And then I give a perfectly wonderful answer about it being a funny memoir of my life as a fat girl and then growing up and being something great. But the truth is, the book is more about what I can't say on national television. Family tragedy, lesbianism, love, failing out of college, fumbling through sex, homeslessness, pee your pants hilarity, and finally, loving the absolute fuck out of yourself. If … [Read More...]

Giveaway, Freebie, Fun, Fun, Fun!

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I love giving things that I love away. Not the exact item that I personally own. But, like, a replica. There are some things you shouldn't get second hand. This is one of them. That being said, if you call me daughter, sister, granddaughter, daughter in law, or if you distribute … [Read More...]

I’m the trashy cousin you never knew you had…until someone dies.

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Yesterday I had to go to a wake for an older family member.  A great aunt, I think? How horrid is that? I guess I didn't really know her as well as I probably should have. But, that is one of the perks of having an agoraphobic father...free pass to skip all the family … [Read More...]

Babies are hard, yo.

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So, ok, first things first. Looky, presh-us tiny baby gurl, lovely cheekies, wittle baby fin-gurs, num num num. We are now officially two weeks in.  Let's review. 1.  Baby vagina...totally creepy. Ok so, I have a vagina of my own.  I know what it kinda-ish looks like. I drank and … [Read More...]

A piece of my Americana.

You know those places in town that call themselves health spas, but everyone knows they are totally whore houses? I mean, what kind of health spa sets up shop in an old bait shop and puts bars and black out shades on every window? You're not fooling anyone, secret hookers! Holy crap, I love … [Read More...]

The best way to spend a Thursday night in April.

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So, I had a baby. And she's lovely, and wonderful, and she smells like fairy dust and cookies. Seriously. She is delicious. I could eat her. Whole. And childbirth? Childbirth was magical. My body became an embodiment of the soul of mother nature, my insides twisting and … [Read More...]

April 30th

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She's here. And I'm in love. … [Read More...]

Bear down…whatever the crap that means, anyways.

It's time. Ouchie. This....might hurt a bit. Too late for kegels on the way to the hospital? Hope not. … [Read More...]

Twenty Eight.

Today I am 28. My golden birthday. I would love to find myself in a booth somewhere eating a whole lobster and downing Blue Moons.  But, alas, that is not in the cards at this point.  But soon. Very, very soon. So today, in place of my yummy beer and lobster fest, I am … [Read More...]

General Tso’s guide to labor and placenta eating.

Lots of sex.  Doggy style.  And lots of walking.  Wow. Really? Thanks for the tips overweight former male teacher from grade school. I love unsolicited labor advice when I am randomly standing in line behind you at the pharmacy. Especially from hairy, fat dudes from my … [Read More...]

That will bring us back to doe…oh, oh, oh.

It just hit me I am going to have three kids. I was in the bathroom, totally hating myself for the spicy chicken sandwich I picked up from Wendys and practicing some none hideous pushing the baby out faces in the mirror with the door locked, and the boys were literally trying to break the door … [Read More...]