Dear Homeowners…

May 16, 2014

Dear Homeowners, I’ve been using Google earth and I like what I see. How about you move out and sell all your stuff to me? Love, Brittany, future homeowner (Maybe? Say yes?) “That sounds creepy.” Andy furrows his brow next to me at our dining room table. “It rhymes, and it’s endearing.” I assured him. […]

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The Death of Pregnancy License

May 8, 2014

Opening this text window feels weird, but also like home. So like weird home. Or, you know, normal home, because what home isn’t weird? Anyways, here we are together, on the internet. First of all, I have book mono. It’s a legitimate thing. You get it one of two ways. From open mouth kissing your […]

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Overage Drinking

April 25, 2014

We spent Easter in a family owned restaurant in Erie Michigan, and as we placed our drink orders at the bar before taking our seats – as Catholics are wont to do – I became intimidated by the requests for Manhattans and Whiskeys on the rocks and Dry Martinis, so I panicked and ordered a […]

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A Couple Days in Chinatown

April 18, 2014

My book is due today, and writing it has been mentally consuming. I’m sorry I have been absent, but I wanted to take a second to update you on where I’ve been, because it’s been a pretty amazing month. First up, a peek at what I did while I was in New York City last […]

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Dear Andy While You Sleep

March 20, 2014

Monday I rolled over in bed to come face to face with my little doll-faced cherub. I am keenly aware of the imaginary clock ticking above our heads, and our time of morning time girl snuggles are fleeting. I touched my finger to her warm little nose and she opened her heavy eyes, smiled softly, […]

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Fat Girls in Bikinis… We’re Just Like You!

March 7, 2014

We love the sun. We love the water. We sometimes forget to shave that one strip on the back of our legs. And we worry like hell about what the other women at the beach think of us, because the honest to God truth is, forget the men, we judge each other the hardest.  There […]

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Riding In Cars With Kids

February 28, 2014

I’ve been having car issues. Mechanically, my SUV was cherry. Logistically I wanted to light it on fire and push it into the pond. The problem is that I have three children in car seats on a single bench seat. So what, you ask? Oh, you’ve never put a condom on a dude then tried to […]

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The Beauty of Entitlement

February 25, 2014

Yesterday was not a pretty day. I was not feeling it. I was not feeling it at all. I was getting ready for an event and none of my clothes were agreeing with me. Mountains of them all over the closet in protest. Big fucking piles of nope. And since I’ve been riding high on […]

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Pink Eyes Are The Prettiest Eyes

February 21, 2014

Someone just come over and put this damn Lunette menstrual cup inside me correctly. I don’t have the will to figure it out, internet, I just don’t. I tried youtube’ing it, but almost no one has a legitimate menstrual cup insertion video. They all puss out using champagne glasses or diagrams of the inside of […]

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Happy Boobs

February 5, 2014

Two days ago we went to the Sing-Along version of Frozen, because we still have money left in our retirement account and haven’t yet fulfilled our apparent moral obligation to continuously bolster the box office success of this cartoon. I had just finished the reprise of For The First Time in Forever, I as Elsa […]

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