Okay, it’s official. American teenagers have lost their damn minds.
I thought I had seen, heard, and thought of it all. I thought that I had pushed the limits of teenage rebellion. But, no. I pretty much have nothing on these kids.
The newest fad to catch a buzz is not only totally disgusting, but it is also mind boggling.
I was having lunch with some colleagues when we got into a discussion about how the local high schools are having a real problem with drunk students at school. Drunk students who don’t smell like little alcoholics because they are inserting vodka soaked tampons into their vaginas.
And the vodka tampons are not just for the girls, the boys have figured out that they can also get drunk through anal insertion. That’s right, the boys and girls are getting drunk from Absolut delivered via Kotex.
So why don’t they get drunk the old fashioned way like I used to in high school? Have they run out of bonfires, cornfields, Friday nights, and fake IDs? I don’t know, but I did interview a teenager to get to the bottom of this new fascination.
ME: Have you ever heard of vodka soaked tampons?
TEEN: Yes, but I have never tried it. My friends have done it, though.
ME: Can you tell me about your friends?
TEEN: Yes, my one friend went to prom with a tampon in her hootchie, and she was totally wasted. The cops had to come and so did her parents.
ME: Really? What happened?
TEEN: She was so wasted. She was falling down drunk. The school called the cops and her parents. When the cops came, they gave her a breathalyzer, and she passed! So then they took her to the hospital because they thought that she had done drugs. They had to do a blood test to figure it out, and then she finally confessed that she had put the tampon in. She was so embarrassed.
ME: That does sound embarrassing. Why would anyone want to get drunk like that? Don’t get me wrong, teens drank when I was in high school, but we physically put the drink to our mouths or bonged beers the old fashion way. Why would you want to go through all of this trouble?
TEEN: They say that when you put it in, it goes right into your bloodstream. So you get drunk really fast. Plus, you don’t smell like alcohol since you didn’t drink it, and you can pass the breathalyzer. Even the boys do it. Like there is this guy that put one in his butt, and then all the other guys watched how drunk he got, so they tried it too. They call it “butt chugging” or “butt bongs”.
ME: You know how gross and unsafe this is, right?
TEEN: Yeah, I know. Not everyone does it because most people know that you could get into a lot of trouble with the school. Plus, the teachers have started to talk to us about it. So they’re onto it. But the ones that do it, just want to be drunk quick and not smell, so that’s why.
And then I died a little. Or a lot. We never did anything like this as teens. I decided to do some more research, and found this from The Doctors TV Show, “Disturbing Teen Drug Trends”:
- Alcohol enters the bloodstream faster through mainlining, which is what happens when the alcohol is absorbed directly in the vagina or anus. “It’s just like injecting it,” Dr. Ordon comments. “The effects are instantaneous and the potential consequences are devastating.” Dr. Lisa adds that it vodka soaked tampons will destroy the vagina’s delicate balance and cause bacterial and yeast infections, as well as crack and burn the vaginal tissue.
Am I just getting old? Have I turned into one of those people that talks about how the younger generation is going to turn out screwed up? Do you think this activity is as insane as I do?