Disclaimer from the Author: Today I’m going to talk about the word “slut.” I use it frequently throughout this article, and while the word is harsh, and not very lady-like, this is an important discussion that needs to be had. As a society, we throw this word around, and the long term effects of labeling someone a “slut” can often cause tremendous damage to a woman’s reputation. Mom, you should just stop reading right here.
Labels.
As women, especially young women, when it comes to sexuality we’re often labeled into two categories.
You’re either a “good girl” (a woman who is considered wholesome and pure and marriage material), or you’re a “slut” (a woman who is considered easy and probably has some sort of disease). I’ve never really experienced an in-between.
I’ll never forget when my husband and I had the “What’s your number?” conversation when we began dating. Of course, because I’m smart, I let him answer first.
SHAUN: I’ve been with six women.
ME: Six? That’s it? Just six? But you’re a dude!
SHAUN: Yes, Meredith. That’s it.
ME: Um, yeah, um…. well? Are you hungry? I’m thinking Italian sounds good tonight.
SHAUN: Meredith, spit it out. How many?
My number was a little more than six, and boom, he was going to think I was such a slut before we began dating. So, I lied. Because sometimes that’s what women do to avoid being labeled a “slut.” We lie about our number of sexual partners, and we hide our sexual experiences.
ME: I’ve been with six people, too! What a coincidence!
He knew I was totally lying about my number. We’d been really good friends since we were eleven-years-old. Heck, by this time in our life, I had already lived with two of my boyfriends, and had a two-year-old son. It took me months to finally come clean, to my the man who would one day become husband, about my true sexual history. Ladies, we shouldn’t be afraid to do this, of this misguided stigma, but we are, and in the long run, he didn’t even care. He loved me for me.
We feel judged and held to standards men often aren’t held to, and as a result, we’re left to sneak around, only discussing our sexual conquests with our closest of girlfriends.
Is she a slut? Am I? Are you?
But what exactly does it mean to be a slut? Are slutty women those rumored to be cheating on their boyfriends?
photo courtesy Harper’s Bazaar
Are they the women accused of cheating on their husbands?
Are slutty women, women who didn’t “save” themselves for their husbands?
Is “slut” just a slang word that women use when they’re jealous? Do we throw it around too easily when we gossip?
Did you hear about so-and-so? She’s dating my ex-boyfriend now. I can’t even believe he’d stoop this low. She’s such a whore!
What if you wear skimpy clothes? Does that make you slutty, as Perez Hilton suggests?
photo and commentary courtesy Perez Hilton.
Are sluts women like Sandra Fluke, who want birth control, as Rush Limbaugh has said?
photo courtesy of Glamour.
Or are sluts just women with the morals of a man?
If being a slut is defined by promiscuity, then sleep easy tonight (pun intended). Most women have more than one sexual partner, and we shouldn’t feel bad about it. In fact, the average number of partners for women, as reported by the Kinsey Institute, is four. Men average 6-8 partners, and I sure don’t see them walking around with their heads held in shame.
Do I wish Shaun was my first? Um… well… um… is my mom reading this today? Then, yes. If she’s not reading this… probably not. Sure, I’ve had some regrets, and I’ve made some mistakes. Haven’t we all? But for the most part, I had a lot of fun and learned a lot about my self and my sexuality along the way.
Is slut-shaming healthy?
I don’t think so, and neither should you. It’s not healthy to label young (or old) celebrities “sluts” when news breaks (and I use the word “news” loosely, pun intended) that they’ve cheat on their boyfriends. When we thoughtlessly pass out that label, it becomes acceptable. For celebrities. For young girls. For women. For you.
Should we teach our young women to have morals and value themselves? Yes. Should we educate them about their sexual options, whether it be abstinence or safe sex and prevention of STDs and pregnancy? Absolutely.
But, we shouldn’t be mainstreaming the act of labeling women and advocating slut-shaming, and we do that every time we don’t speak up about horribly offensive celeb gossip headlines like “Trampire” or “Homewrecker,” or every time we turn a blind eye to the rumors swirling about a girl being labeled a slut. We are writing these women’s stories for them, and then leaving them with the impossible task of climbing out from a stereotype they may not have earned.
I loooooove this so so so so much. I’ve been married for 5 years and still have not told my husband my real number. I wanted to. I read a fantastic book called loose girl or something to that effect, and it made me want to sit down and have a real, honest convo with my hubby about it, but I still haven’t found the balls. Sad, right? I was the sneaky slut. If I slept with someone, it was done quietly, and I was able to get away with the good girl rep. Also, my issue with the whole Kristin “cheating”: um…why wasn’t the the guy ever talked bad about? He was THE MARRIED ONE. And seriously, he’s 30 something, and I’m not saying kristin was innocent, but it takes 2 to tango. He knew what he was doing. He is absolutely not blameless, and it really pisses me off when she’s the ONLY ONE being bashed. He knew it would hurt his wife and children, and chose to do it anyway. I’ve been in a similar situation…but the guy I liked told me to back off until the night his wife left him for her fanatical religious reasons. He had a choice.
I totally agree with you: it takes two to tango, and the director is just as guilty as Kristen Stewart. Headlines about Kristen Steward sell; headlines about the nameless director do not. I think this is less about “blaming the female” and more about promoting stories about big-name celebs that will sell magazines.
I do think it goes deeper than the headlines selling. Women are always blamed more than men. When I got involved with my husband, he was still married. I’m not proud of it, but it happens. There were really no repercussions for him socially or at work (we worked at the same place) But it was horrible for me. Regardless of the situation the women in that scenario are always painted as morally bankrupt temptresses and the men unsuspecting marks.
I <3 sluts…seriously what difference does it make to quote Bob Marley
“You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect – you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break – her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there.”
I love this quote. It’s amazing.
What it comes down to, for me, is it’s none of anyone’s business. If a woman wants to have sex with every man she shakes hands with it’s her own damned business. If she never wants to have sex ever, it’s her own damned business. We want to teach our daughter’s to value themselves and their bodies then they have to have confidence that the only person that gets a say over their body is them.
Who are we to judge what people do? I have had my fair share of partners and I could care less what other people do. It is beyond me how it is anyone’s business what people do in or out of the bedroom. If you have time to label someone else’s behavior, you should probably take that time to better yourself instead of bringing other’s down. Though I will say this…Will Farrell’s Trampire spout off on (Jimmy Kimmel???) was kinda funny
I remember one time in health class, my freshman year of high school, we were talking about different sexual acts, and somehow the girls next to me and I started talking about it. I had *kind of* done what we were talking about, but I asked them if they thought I was the kind of girl to do something like that with a guy. They looked me up and down uncomfortably and said yes. I had never felt so awful about myself. The reputation was likely started by my terrible, abusive ex (who actually, physically forced me to do to him what we were talking about), and it stuck until graduation.
Branding a girl or a woman a slut is awful. It hurts. It damages everything about her. It’s bullying.
I heard that Meredith girl can’t keep her chinos on.
The average woman’s number is 4? What, did they only poll 17 year olds? Who cares anyway? It’s nobody’s business but the woman concerned.
You know, in my (limited, but apparently above average) experience, being labeled a slut (at least in high school) has very little to do with your actual behavior and everything to do with your reputation. One of my bffs was labeled a slut, and she graduated high school having had sex with…no one. She didn’t lose her virginity until after high school. Another bff slept around a bit, but was never known as anything but a “good girl”. And I, despite having done pretty much everything under the sun with my high school boyfriend, was never called anything but “the smart one” and “the nice one”. Slut is such a harsh judgement to throw at another young woman, especially since we’re all so vulnerable from ages 10-30 anyway.
And P.S. I don’t care one way or the other about Kristen Stewart except that 1. I suspect that the older, more powerful man employed some coercion there and 2. HE WAS OLDER AND MARRIED!!! Older, here, meaning that he has the responsibility NOT to take advantage of younger women, or use his position to his sexual advantage. And don’t even get me started on the married adjective. His castigation should be far worse than hers, and yet…
Like I responded above… the director is just as guilty as Kristen Stewart. Headlines about Kristen Steward sell; headlines about the nameless director do not. I think this is less about “blaming the female” and more about promoting stories about big-name celebs that will sell magazines.
Oh, I agree that her name is being attached to the scandal to sell the magazine. However, it would be refreshing if we MADE the no-name director infamous for being a cheating husband who takes advantage of his young stars. Then his behavior would also have repercussions. She should not have to carry the burden of this on her shoulders alone.
I really love the last paragraph of your article Meredith although the whole thing was really great. I agree those numbers actually seem a little low to me. I think one of the biggest parts of all this to me is the whole as women let’s try and at least get on some part of the same page here. We can all have different outlooks but why does our first response to conflict have to be to demean each other. She’s a slut, she’s fat, she’s dumb, she’s whatever it all comes from the same place.
I know people who have been stamped with this label when they truly didn’t deserve it (although like you point out who does deserve it?) and it can truly destroy a young person’s life. I so freaking hope that I teach my daughter that it is NOT ok to demean others like this and she won’t grow up to be one of those girls- those girls who need to demean other girls.
Hey, that’s me up there!
To be clear, I don’t think those things = slutty, just that’s how I see others define the word.
I’ve seen people say, many times, that women claim to have slept with fewer people than they really have, and that men claim to have slept with more than they really have.
My # is higher than my husband’s yet 90% of my experiences were one-time-only things (lots of mistakes!) while my husband had several long-term relationships where there was lots of sex. So I’ve been with more people but he’d had TONS more sex than I had, when we got together. Who’s the slut?
It seems that society ranks your slut factor based on your:
~ Gender
~ Age
~ Relationship Status
~ Type of sex you had
~ Relationship of your partner to the person calling you a slut (like, “I just had regular boring sex with my boyfriend but he happens to be my ex-BFF’s ex-boyfriend so now I’m a slut”.
And I’m sure there are other factors. So stupid!
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