We’ve seen Sister Wives and Big Love. That type of multiple wives relationship is called polygamy. And while I couldn’t do it, the thought of a Sister Wife is tempting. I would hope my husband could score a Sister Wife that loves putting away the laundry, having sex with him on the weekdays, and pulling the weeds.
Polyamory is another multiple partner lifestyle, with a slight twist. In this relationship, you have multiple relationships with multiple partners and everyone agrees that it is okay. There isn’t one husband with many wives. There would be, for example, one husband with a wife and a girlfriend. And a wife with a girlfriend. And a girlfriend with a boyfriend.
Sound confusing?
I thought so as well, until I spoke to Brenda. Brenda (of Portland, Oregon) is married Tom. Tom has a girlfriend named Sarah. And Sarah has a boyfriend named Scott. And Brenda is dating Chad.
Brenda and Tom have two children.
If I were to draw this out, it would look something like this:
Of course I had a lot of questions for Brenda.
***
Brenda, I would be so jealous. How does this work without everyone losing their minds?
Tom and I had a strong foundation before we explored the world of polyamory. Jealousy typically comes from the fear that your partner will leave you. We know we will always be together. So we work through it. Do I have a problem with him receiving pleasure from another woman? No. And I know he and Sarah are connected on a much deeper level. They are friends and lovers, and I’m okay with that. I can share and so can he.
Yeah, but he’s sleeping with her, and you’re sleeping with Chad. You don’t care even a little bit? He doesn’t care even a little bit?
No. We’ve been with our partners for some time now. I’ve been with Tom for 15 years, he’s been with Sarah for 6, and I’ve been with Chad for 4. I think a common misconception is that we’re having an open marriage with many, many partners. That isn’t the case. If I felt the need for another boyfriend, I would be welcome to bring someone in, but it would be something we discussed and agreed upon first.
Okay, I’m having a hard time wrapping my brain around this. What about the kids? Do they understand what’s going on?
Yes and no. They are ten and twelve-years-old. They think we have sleep overs at our friend’s house, just like they have sleep over’s. And they think we have a very close knit group of friends. Once they’re old enough to understand, we’ll share with them the lifestyle.
But I don’t think they’ll be shocked or think it’s weird. We never claim to be with just each other like most married couples. And our partners help with the kids as much as they can. After all, it takes a village!
Why did you choose this lifestyle to being with?
We didn’t want to get bored. And it was heading that way. We needed some sexual variety, another friend to share life with, and someone to share our own interests with. We were losing ourselves in our relationship, and it wasn’t going well. It was get a divorce or test the waters (which we were both doing anyway). Once we discussed everything in an open an honest way, we saw that we were both fine with it. We set up some parameters, and we found an online community for guidance. Tom and I love each other more than we ever have today.
So… I’m sort of embarrassed to ask… but is this just one big orgy? You don’t have to answer this.
Hahaha! I’m glad you asked! Yes, that can happen. But that can happen in any relationship, can’t it? At least here, it happens without jealousy and regrets.
That being said, it’s not a common practice of ours. I like keeping these relationships separate. Chad and I love to golf and watch movies. Tom and I love to travel. I have my own interests with each of these men. And dates typically end with a one-on-one bedroom encounter.
Is this similar swinging?
No. Swinging occurs when you swap partners with another couple. Sarah (Tom’s girlfriend) has a boyfriend. I have never been with her boyfriend, nor would I want to.
Okay, I still can’t believe that there’s not jealousy.
Jealousy does rear it’s ugly head from time to time. But we talk and talk until it’s resolved. And Tom and I both understand that if either of us wants to stop this lifestyle at anytime, we can, and the other will have to fine with it. It’s one of those, “it was fun while it lasted” type of things.
What do you think main-stream society thinks of this type of relationship?
Oh, I’m sure they think it’s sick, and that we’re a bunch of sex-crazed people. But the truth of the matter is, none of us believe that one person was designed to be your soul mate. If you are committed to a small group of people, and everyone loves and respects each other, what’s the problem?
***
So what do you think? Do you think it’s possible to be committed to more than one person at a time?
I too would like a sister wife who cooks, cleans, and does laundry.
How do they make sure someone is home at night with the kids? How do they schedule the master bedroom? Who gets it? Who washes the sheets?
Darn it! From now on you get to ask all the important questions!
I’m seeing a lot of rational comments consideration for the feelings and opinions of others here.
…
Is the Internet broken today?
What the hell I made a grammar mistake and left this on some random comment thread.
Am I broken today?
I don’t think the internet is broken. I just think Curvy Girl Guide is all grown up now. We can disagree (or agree) in a responsible way now without calling each other names.
Our readers are awesome.
It’s a beautiful thing.
The answer to all of your questions are: The same way monogamous folks do.
That’s messed up. Polyamory focuses on selfishness. Marriage is more than just being fulfilled on a sexual level. By having a spouse,and then some, is the ultimate act of being selfish. Call me old fashioned, but polyamory is just wrong. But…if that’s what someone wants to do, it’s their business.
I’m old fashioned like you. Mainly because I would chop my husband’s penis off and feed it to him if he ever suggested it. But that’s just me.
You’re absolutely right. Marriage IS about more than sexual fulfillment. And polyamorous relationships are not about sex either. Surely sex is an aspect, just as it is an aspect in any relationship. But people who choose polyamory are in RELATIONSHIPS. They don’t just meet up to have clandestine sex. They do the things every couple does. Including disagree and fight.
Did you notice when Brenda said that she and Chad share interests that she and Tim do not and vice versa? That’s what polyamory is about. Some people just believe that one person can’t be all things to another person. Therefore they have multiple relationships that allow them to fill in those gaps. And as long as everyone’s on board with it, it’s their business and no one else’s.
I wouldn’t choose such a relationship for myself because I know myself well enough to know the self-doubt would eat me alive. But as long as everyone is honest and upfront, I don’t judge other people based on how they live their lives, just I expect the same courtesy in return.
It’s actually the opposite of selfish. It takes a huge amount of giving and sharing to handle non-monogamy.
Saying something is ‘just wrong’ when you haven’t done it, lived it, or tried it, is usually a sign you’ve made an error.
With that logic, my views on murder, rape, lying and stealing are flawed, seeing as how I have never done it, lived it or tried it. Some things in life one does not need to experience to know they’re wrong. But, I also believe that if a married couple decides to do this, and are in agreement, that is a private decision. So be it. But I firmly believe that it is a selfish act. My question is, why get married? Marriage is special and not to be taken lightly. And sharing your spouse, in my opinion, is a slap in the face to the vows that were made. I stand by my opinion with no apologies.
Why do you think anyone’s asking you to apologize? I don’t see that anyone said, “Hey! You take that back!”
I do think Connor was asking you to dial back the judgement, though. Polyamory is wrong for you, and that’s perfectly cool and even downright understandable. But that doesn’t mean it’s wrong across the board.
I’m not judging anybody. It is my opionion. I can think and believe what I want. Just because I don’t think like the majority of people who have commented, doesn’t mean I’m judging. I have a good friend who has chosen this lifestyle with his wife. I have voiceed my concerns and told him that I think it’s wrong, but I am still good friends with him and his wife. We hang out and have a good relationship. I have already said that if a couple wants to do this, that is their decision. So be it. I would not force someone to believe what I do. Yes, no one has asked me to apologize. The reason I said I make no apologies is because I knew people would disagree with me, and I don’t care. It is my opinion that it’s wrong. I am not asking anyone to change their lifestyle. I’m just stating my beliefs.
I am shocked and so happy to see an issue so dear to my heart on this website. I am in a poly relationship right now. For us that means that my partner is married, and that I sometimes date other people. I must contest the idea that polyamory is selfish. In a lot of ways it is far from that. You have to be selfless enough to want your partner to be happy, even if that means he needs more than you to be happy. I can honestly say that I have experienced less jealousy and fear of the relationship ending in this poly situation than I have in many previous monogamous relationships. So glad to see some awareness being brought to important issues.
No problem! I’m so happy to have you comment!
Anyway, this was particularly hard for me to write after the interview. I was completely fascinated as I spoke to Brenda, but the whole time, I just kept having these jealous rages inside of me as I pictured my husband with another woman. This is how I know it would never work for our marriage. I AM selfish. I want him all to myself. But that isn’t every woman. That isn’t every relationship.
Thank you so much for commenting! I mean it! It’s awesome that we could reach you today!
Meredith
How does your partner’s wife feel about the relationship?
I could never do it but whatever floats your boat. I have issues when children are getting hurt but as the show Sister Wives have said they don’t believe in that and that is another type of morman. If people can do it without fighting and you feel that is what is best for your family go a head.
I think it’d be badass as long as I was the hotter girl in my spouse’s relationship, and nobody was sharing herpes.
I did ask about that, Kristie.
As far as worries of spreading disease, they all use protection and have regular tests. Once they have all committed to each other and been together for awhile, they develop trust, and again, Brenda says it’s just a small circle of people. They aren’t putting themselves out there all over the place.
This goes against every belief that is important to me regarding marriage – at least my marriage. That said, I respect other individual’s rights to live their lives as they see fit- but it isn’t something I want in my life or my marriage.
Dude, WHATEVER floats someone’s boat. If two consenting adults want to have one wife, two wives, a wife and a boyfriend, two husbands, WHATEVER, it is NOT my business to judge. Traditional marriage doesn’t work for everyone. Who am I to say that someone else can’t choose the lifestyle that’s best for them.
Freedom of choice and more power to them!
P.S. Great and super interesting article, Mer!!
Thanks, lady! Again, it’s not for me. But I was completely fascinated by all of it because it so outside of my “normal”.
Interesting, normal and Meredith are two words I wouldn’t normally attach to one another. ZING!
My “normal” is no one’s normal. Just ask my husband.
Their kids are 10 and 12. They’ve had outside partners for 6 and 4 years, respectively. That means the girlfriend has been some part of the kids’ lives since the kids were 6 and 4 (and girlfriend and boyfriend since ages 8 and 6).
Believe me, I’m not one of those “Won’t someone think of the children?!?” people, but I do wonder what happens if these additional people were to suddenly leave. She said “And our partners help with the kids as much as they can.” Are they just considered the parents’ friends who babysit sometimes, or something closer, like aunt and uncle?
Hmmm… based on our conversation, I think they are closer, more like family. But that was just the impression I got over the phone during the interview. I could be wrong.
Woah. Fascinating article, Meredith. I agreed with Kristies comment that if (big giant, probably never going to happen if) we were ever to consider something like that, I would definitely have to be the hotter one too. Which is probably exactly why it would never work for me. I’d always be wanting my hubs to tell me every single detail of what they do together and then get mad, and then probably try to out-sex the other person as proof that I’m better.
Yep, way too jealous for that to work for me, but like i said, fascinating stuff. Truly.
I actually knew someone who did this! We weren’t friends but acquaintances. We were friends with some of the same people. She had no kids, was married and bisexual. I don’t know if she told people about it at all but she blogged about it and I found out about it that way. I am of the “live and let live” variety or would like to be but I have a hard time with the polyamory concept.
I feel like if you’re married you should give your all to making that relationship work. If you or your partner need other relationships, maybe the way to show love would be to let the person go and be with whoever they are drawn to? I think spreading yourself thin between more than one person sexually, emotiionally & physically is cutting someone short. Someone is bound to be unhappy with time spent away from one another, etc. It’s hard enough pleasing one person, let alone trying to bring happiness to several in that way. Plus when children are involved, it has to be confusing. My husband and I are not the jealous type but I still wouldn’t share him and if he was willing to share me, I’d think he didn’t care.
Great article spotlighting a topic I don’t think most people even know exists! Bringing things out in the open is what Curvy Girl Guide is all about, Meredith!
Very interesting but on the whole it is expected that all the people involved would be very rational and mature… That’s the glitch… Too many emotions involved and high potential for jealousy!! Way too much work for me… I love the peace, love, and commitment of one person … This sounds too much like a fast train to disaster…
One of my oldest and dearest friends has been in several poly relationships. I also have a friend that has dabbled in the “swinger” lifestyle. While both of my friends admit that being poly (or a swinger) isn’t for everyone, it works perfectly for them….and that’s ok. The biggest thing that keeps these relationships together is honesty and trust. The communication factor is HUGE and they share everything. It’s also not one huge orgy free for all – each relationship is nurtured and grows in its own way. Once I learned more about each lifestyle, I no longer found it dirty but just another relationship lifestyle choice.
Listen – at the end of the day, I don’t care what goes on in other people’s bedrooms…to each their own. Would I do it? I don’t ever want to say never because you never know where life will take you.
Even though it sounds like a deviant lifestyle, I think the way Brenda and Tom have gone about it is mature and logical. I don’t see anything wrong with sharing the love.
It’s especially better as they’ve all been their respective relationships for multiple years. Regarding telling the kids, it seems they’ve given it some thought and will do what’s right for them when the time is right. Society would be a lot better off with more open-mindedness…just my opinion. And, I totally understand why Brenda and Tom chose to do this, as I’ve been married for 16 years, and, yeah, sometimes we need a little spark to re-light that fire. 
Well, it’s not for me, but good for them! I’m glad she admitted there is sometimes jealousy but they talk it out.
Thanks for the article, Meredith – very interesting!
what if she or the girlfriend get pregnant? how does custody work? should they run DNA tests to find the right parent? the boyfriend/ girlfriend has some sort of “contract” to fulfill their duties?
i guess this is not for me, i can’t imagine other person on my house, or my bedroom.
good luck to them, though
How does this even come up? “Hey, so I love you a super lot, but I want to date this guy…you can have a girlfriend, and she can have another boyfriend.” and the hubs is like “Yeah thats cool.” And thats it? Maybe not in this particular situation, but couldn’t there be potential issues in knowing the biological father of a child?
I just can’t wrap my head around this.
I’m like you, Meredith – I could never be in this kind of relationship. With my self doubt and insecurities and let’s be honest – laziness – it would just never work out. And my husband would be thoroughly horrified by the idea of it.
I really like that Brenda was able to speak so freely and openly about her and Tom’s relationship. I think learning about other lifestyles in an open and honest way is what builds respect between people. Good for you in posting this and moving us all forward just a bit in our understanding and appreciation of others.
Being married with four kids, I hardly get enough time to shave my privates for one man let alone two! Although, this isn’t a lifestyle I would choose, they seem to communicate in an open, honest way more than most married couples I know. Thanks for sharing this and giving us a glimpse into a relationship that is outside society’s “normal” view of marriage.
This just has an eweee factor. He’s dipping his wick in another well. And what protection do people use during oral sex? Oh please don’ t answer that. When you sleep with some one it’s like your sleeping with everyone they ever slept with and all their partners partners. Condoms break, I know that’s how I got my 2nd child. And yuck, their swapping spit with everyone. Just one person breaks the code and sleeps with some one else and you’re all screwed. I took Anatomy and Phsiology, Microbiology in college. And way too many infectious disease classes and seminars. I’m a registered respiratory therapist. Ooooo they get tested, hmm again one person is unfaithful to the tribe and you all get HIV or HPV or Hep C or or or, it goes on and on. Maybe it’s just my OCD grossing me out. Or it’s my moral up bringing. I do know I’m committed to my husband and he to me. And if he sleep with any one else, I too would cut it off and feed it to him. I could go on about it. But I won’t, I’m nauseated just thinking about it.
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