I am not fat because I am miserable. I love myself. But I don’t like the way I look.
Those three sentences are the most important things I could ever write. I don’t know who’s reading this or who’s in the same boat as I am, but nowhere, never, not once in my extensive and exhaustive research on weight issues have I ever ever seen those three things addressed simultaneously. If at all.
Somewhere, somehow, the American psyche became convinced that either one of two things is true: either you are fat because you are miserable, or you’ve learned to LOVE! yourself the way you are. I don’t know which is worse or further from my truth.
The latter, “Learned to LOVE! yourself the way that you are” infuriates me. I don’t embrace my size. I deal with it, I just walk around with it. When I’m feeling up to it, I’ll dress myself up and look my best. But I’m not fooling myself. I would look better (“better” by current general American standards, however they came to be such) if I weighed a lot less.
At no point will I ever be happy with classifying myself as a “BBW.” I am also not a “Diva.” I am not “Large and In Charge.” I am not “sassy.” Yet these are the labels I get to choose from if I am going to go along with my larger size. I can’t just passively accept it; I can’t just exist as though I’m exactly the same as other women…just a few sizes bigger. This is never made more painfully clear than when I’m out shopping. Why do the styles have to be so entirely different for the plus-size shopper? Because, I guess, the moment I passed from size 14 to size 16, I suddenly became a “Glamazon!”
Ladies and gentleman, I am not a Glamazon! I’m not even a glamazon.
Yes, toned-down alternatives exist, but I am not appreciative of being called a “WOMAN,” either; at least, not when that’s what the plus-size area of a department store is calling me. And by the way: If I’m a WOMAN, what does that make those sized 14 and under? GIRLS? The implications of “bigger = woman” are humiliating for all parties involved.
Let’s be clear. I don’t disparage women who do, actually, like being big (or are at least comfortable with it), and I don’t dismiss that there are men (and women) who love big women. I am just not one of them. We can blame my parents and the media, but I don’t generally perceive overweight women as sexually attractive. Myself included.
Except I don’t hate myself.
I don’t wake up miserable every day.
No, I don’t like the way I look, but:
1) That doesn’t mean you can’t like the way I look, and, more importantly;
2) SO WHAT?
So I don’t like the way I look. Lots of people don’t like things about themselves that they could change.
I’ve just put less emphasis on controlling my weight than on other things.
Other things, like my career, my financial stability, my emotional well-being, my family, and, you know, achieving my life goals. Oh, and speaking of life goals? “Being thin(ner)” is definitely on my list…it’s just below “finding love” “having a family” “career satisfaction” and “getting published.”
Hey, I get that we all have different priorities. I firmly believe that everything’s a trade-off. I simply cannot work as hard as I’m capable at health, weight, career, education, family, extra-curriculars and emotional well-being all at the same time. I can find a balance that works for me, though; I can find compromise. And that’s precisely what I’ve done.
But why is that so hard to believe? I chose (directly and indirectly) not to have my weight be my top priority. Not because I didn’t have other priorities. Not because I didn’t care, not because I don’t have a life, not because I’m not a worthwhile human being.
I keep thinking of Jillian on The Biggest Loser, screaming at contestants until they break and finally reveal the emotional scars that led them to their 400-pound selves. And of course, for some people, that’s just it. They eat because they’re unhappy. They try to fill an emotional void with food. They put other people first and don’t take care of themselves.
Well, okay, fair enough. But what about the rest of us?
Because that’s not my story at all. That’s not my life at all. I feel like if I had Jillian yelling in my face, asking me why I’ve “done this to myself” I would have to yell back, “Done what? Let myself gain weight? Oh, well, sorry! I was busy trying to make myself a fulfilled human being!”(I might also be tempted to yell back, “Why are you so afraid of fat?” but that’s neither here nor there and probably why I’ll never be on tv.)
I care. I do care. I don’t want to be this size, and I am not happy with my size. But with me overall? Well, my weight has taken a back seat to other, worthy priorities…priorities that make me feel like a whole person, and that make me feel confident with myself. My self-esteem is pretty well intact.
My self-esteem is not dependent on my size.
Correlated, yes. I would feel better about myself if I were thinner. But I would feel a lot worse about myself if the rest of my life were in shambles. (Trust me, I speak from experience.)
I just constantly feel like people who see me, people who meet me but don’t really know me, wonder what’s wrong with me that I am this size. Surely deep down I must be unhappy with myself. I think it’s really hard for people who (subconsciously or consciously) link their self-worth with their weight to understand that not everyone does. That I couldn’t possibly love myself if I look like this.
Except I do. But…so…then…what if I want to lose weight? How do I find motivation to lose weight if I’m not coming from a place of broken? Most motivational advice I see/read/hear is based on the premise that fat = lazy, fat = uninformed, fat = unhappy. I need to find something better than this. I look to shows like Biggest Loser to inspire me, but the message I come away with is “If I just figure out why I hate myself so much, I will let go and start taking better care of me.” But that doesn’t fit me and so I have no model. I’m not overweight because I’m lazy, because I have nothing better to do, because I’m unhappy. I’m not angry at the world, I’m not failing at life. I haven’t let myself be held back by my weight.
Instead, it’s just the opposite. I have so much else going on, I just don’t know how to make weight-loss a priority without giving up something else. Like, by virtue of math, I have to do less of something in order to do more of something else.
I know people talk about making “lifestyle changes” but they always seem to just say that “eating well” has to be a priority and “eating crap” has to, well, not be a priority. They say that now you need to make time to go to the gym as though you were previously spending that extra hour or two sitting around twiddling your thumbs. As though it’s apples to apples.
It’s not.
I look at my life now and it is full-to-the-brim busy. I have two young children and a start-up. I spend practically every waking moment wrangling a child or wrangling an overflowing inbox, save for the occasional conversation with my husband. I have to schedule showers.I know I need to reconfigure to give weight-loss a new, prominent position in my life. But.
But losing weight is hard. It’s hard to stay motivated in general, but it’s really hard to stay motivated when being overweight doesn’t bring you abject misery.
So I ask: What about those of you who do work, who have active social lives, who do 8 billion other things with your bad selves and like it that way and so can’t quite figure out how to make “weight loss” one of your priorities?
Is it because you are secretly miserable? Or is it because you’re just…not?
Kristy Sammis is an award-winning humor-life-mom-blogger, avid Twitterer, wine-drinker, and social media wonk. Her blog, “She Just Walks Around With It,” was named for her butt. She is a co-founder of Clever Girls Collective, Inc., which is why she hardly blogs anymore (shoemaker’s children and all that). She lives in the Napa Valley, and you should totally visit her.
Blog: http://shewalks.
Twitter: www.twitter.com/kristysf
Facebook: www.facebook.com/kristysf
Well…I don’t have an answer for you. I freak out when I get over a certain size…as in right now none of my pants fit. So I have been journaling and detoxing to get rid of my sugar addiction.
Truth be told, I’m not always great with the healthy eating because it does take a lot of time to prepare, but I am amazing with exercise. I wake up at 4 in the morning so I can do whatever writing I have that day, then I hit the gym at 6, then I got to work (math teacher here) for the rest of the day. And after work, I have two volunteer gigs (coaching). My plate is full, but for me exercise is less about weight and more about enjoyment. It is a necessity for me. I can’t function without it.
If you ever figure it out, please let me know your secret!
AHHH, thank you for saying it. That is where I am. I even told my friend – I think my problem is I’m not disgusted with myself at this weight so it is easy to choose to go out to eat with my friends instead of going to the gym.
I am in the same boat. Life is so full right now that I don’t have the time to make losing weight a priority. I’d like it to be – I want to lose weight, but my self esteem is not dependent on it. I know I could wake up earlier but I go to bed around midnight and wake up at 6:30 as it is. I need sleep more than the exercise. So, I go along and hope to find a way to fit in one more thing.
I’m in the same boat, except I’ve reached a point where I’ve had enough. I can’t shop in regular stores, and stuff at Lane Bryant is too big (also, your comment about the shift in style from size 14 to 16 is spot on).
I’m going to a wedding this weekend, but starting Tuesday, I’m going to start eating better, getting more exercise, and the biggie: I’m going to go on the wagon for a goodly amount of time. The beer and wine, while delicious, are not going to help me lose weight.
My goal is to sustain this long enough to lose more than ten pounds. Losing ten pounds is easy. What is not easy is seeing the number move on the scale yet not seeing a change in my body.
Sorry for the longass comment. Your post struck a nerve! (In a good way.)
I love this! I really feel like you went inside my head and took what I thought out and used as your own. I really feel the same way. Yes, of course I would love to be thin and have no clothing restrictions and all that extra self confidence and whatever else comes with being a ‘thin girl’ but I don’t do anything about it. Oh I eat healthy, I know all about what is ‘good’ to put in your body and what isn’t, I eat mostly all natural/organic food and I limit my carb and sugar intake so it’s not because I’m uneducated bc that is far from the truth. I don’t exercise but you should see the pile of information, workouts, magazine cut outs of different exercises I have saved up for “when I get around to it”. Yes, fat is ugly but that doesn’t mean I don’t love myself because there is way more to who I am than just the extra fat I have on my frame. Anyway, thanks for writining this because I needed to hear this and to hear that I am not the only one who thinks this way!!
I am a big girl currently working on the weight loss thing and I know (and live) how hard it is to find the balance between being concerned about your weight and being concerned about making your life great in general. To me, you’re doing it 100% right!! However, I do think that to find yourself (and other big women) sexually attractive is part of the process. Not that you have to share, but I am curious why you don’t find overweight women attractive…..
Hi Robin – you ask a good question, and I think the roots are really super deep-seated, and (unfortunately) I think the answers are trite.
For one thing, I grew up in a part of the country where the pretty girls were all super-ultra thin (and pretty). Success = looking like them. I don’t obviously agree with this consciously, but it’s the model I internalized at a young age and that was ever-present until I moved away when I was 26.
For another, and more importantly, both of my parents (maybe unintentionally?) made this line of thinking clear. Thin = beautiful. Fat = shameful. My mother was thin but struggled every day with her weight and suffered horrible lack of self-esteem that was totally weight-related. Being fat was not desirable.
You are right, though. I do need to work on this and maybe someday I’ll get past it.
I totally get you. TOTALLY.
I can’t find the words to say just how much YES is going through my head, agreeing and finding my sisterfriend here.
Angie, we’ve always been sisterfriends. xoxo to you.
Yes, all of this. Thank you for saying it better than I ever could.
Like you, I don’t like the way I look, but I’m also not wallowing in depression. Maybe weight loss should be a priority but I never seem to find the motivation to “want” to change.
One of my problems is, aside from exercise, I’m not sure what to change in my lifestyle to bring about a change in my body. I’ve been to see nutritionists and I’ve kept a journal of my food and they all tell me that my diet is great and I’m doing everything right. If that’s the case then why is the number on the scale so high? Also, most of my friends are shocked when I tell them what I weight and say I “wear it well.” A compliment I suppose.
Yes, yes, yes! Why is it that plus size t-shirts always have to have some shiny blingy crap on them?!? Why can’t I just wear a plain t-shirt? It’s so frustrating.
You’ve captured many of my thoughts here well. I’ve successfully lost weight in the past but it takes a lot of time and effort (and $$, let’s be honest) that I don’t always have. Once my energy is focused somewhere else, I usually gain the weight back.
I also hate the weight-loss articles that describe eating habits like; “Mary used to eat 6 pancakes and a side of bacon for breakfast, for a snack, she would have a doughnut and a double cheeseburger…” It’s great that Mary learned how to eat some veggies, but if you are already eating healthy things, what are you supposed to do?!
I HATE THE BLINGY TSHIRT BULLSHIT! (sorry, am I allowed to say “bullshit” here?)
And yes, also to the “Mary used to gorge herself on sugar. Now she eats celery all day long and isn’t that awesome?”
There has to be balance somewhere, that isn’t one extreme or another. Right?
Try Wal-mart (yes, I know, but just do) or Kohl’s for plain plus size t-shirts in a variety of colors. You will have to push aside a few blingy ones, but I promise that they have the plain ones as well.
Land’s End is my go to place for great cotton T’s without stupid stuff on them. They are priced well, come in a variety of colors and don’t cling. Best of all: I don’t have to go to a store to get them!
I am so glad you wrote this. I am totally overweight for my height, but the thing is, it really doesn’t bother me as much as I feel that society thinks it should. My children are 8 and 5 – I don’t want to miss precious time with them while they want my company just to work out; in a few years they will want their space and I’ll have the time to work out. For now I work out 3 times a week for an hour each, and that even seems unfair to them, but I’m trying to reconcile it with myself …
it’s not unfair to them. you need to exercise to be healthy; if you don’t take care of yourself, you will significantly shorten your lifespan. shortening your lifespan/having your children lose their mother earlier than necessary? now THAT is unfair to them
I love every. single. word. of this! Thank you for saying it!!!
My weight goes up and down depending on my commitment to make myself miserable losing it. I’ll be super committed and get close to my goal, and then I go off of that track because inevitably something busy and crazy happens in my life. I also work full-time and have 2 children, including one that is special needs. I have a lot of family and social commitments, and working out and meal planning generally means less sleep for me. Something has to give to make time and sleep is usually the loser. Then of course I am stressed out and exhausted trying to make it all happen and am snapping at everyone. And then I go off track and am fat and happy for a little while, until I am miserable for how much I’ve gained back (and worried about diabetes/health issues) and start the cycle all over again. It is really hard being a mom and trying to do it all!
THIS. this is completely how i feel right now. thank you for putting it into way better words than i’ll ever be able to.
I just got into a discussion with a doctor about this. I was having asthma problems. I went to a nurse practioner a few times for a quick fix of antibiotics, and they kept saying to go to a real doctor, but here’s the trouble – I work 2 jobs. Most days of the week I work a 16+ hour day between the two. By the time I get home, I’m exhausted, and that’s without adding laundry and dishes and actually eating something not out of a paper bag. It took me 8 months to even get a morning off to go see said Dr.
Needless to say, he gave me antibiotics the size of a baby’s arm, and told me losing weight would also help any asthmatic symptoms. I asked him when he’d like me to squeeze in the gym. Should I stop sleeping? Should I quit one of my jobs (which barely pay the bills even with those 16 hour days). He had no answer for me.
Yeah, that’s right. I’m fat, but not unhappy. I’m busy up the wazoo. Yes I’d like to be thinner, it would probably make my feet hurt less after that 2nd job. But honestly, I’m already getting only 5 hours of sleep a night. You don’t want to see me with less. I promise you that.
Plus, I can’t afford new clothes if I lose weight.
This is the most well-balanced and logical piece that I’ve read in a really long time.
Your mental state is incredibly healthy and your self-awareness is amazing.
Thank you so much! I actually believe a lot of people have healthier mental states than we’re led to believe. I think maybe our culture needs to embrace new modes of “motivational thinking” that aren’t based in the notion that we’re all secretly miserable.
Very well stated. The idea that many people dislike SOMETHING about themselves — whether it’s their nose, hips, hair, or weight — is true. But this doesn’t mean they hate themselves, and I think that’s important to recognize and put out there. I absolutely hate my stretch marks and saggy tummy skin/boobs, but that doesn’t mean I hate myself. I quite like me, actually.
LOVE. LOVE. LOVE. And thank you for saying (so much better than I could) exactly what many of us were thinking!!
I loooove this article!!
For years I’ve been going to a weight loss support/weigh-in group where we begin each meeting by saying a pledge all about how we eat because we’re unhappy, or we can’t control our emotions etc….I always HATE saying it!
Under my breath I always mumble something about eating because it’s good or because it’s a social thing or because I’m busy!
I’m sure there have been a few times I’ve eaten poorly because I was upset or bored, but mostly, I am the way I am because I ENJOY life so much and, like you, I haven’t prioritized weigh-loss as being the be all of every free moment I have.
I am overweight but that does NOT mean I am miserable. I see my flaws and sure, of course I’d be more comfortable being at a lighter weight and more fit, BUT right now I’m okay!
PS – I also hate our fashion industry for punishing those of us who are more curvy or rounder or not the “ideal” size and height. I do not like dressing like a grandma, nor do I like being left out of all the multitude of options slimmer gals have. I applaud places like Lands End etc who are trying to improve their market with the majority of the populations…us curvier women.
My 2 cents! Thank you for bringing up such an important topic!
I adore you, Kristy.
When I grow up, I hope to be half the writer you are and have such a solid sense of self.
You are such an inspiration to me, my friend. xo
i wish i could say i didn’t connect self worth to my weight and lord knows i’m trying to do just that, but i love this piece. you’re a spectacular writer and i love to hear what you have to say.
incidentally, you give me hope that i can do just that — disconnect my weight from my self — and be ok.
thank you.
I’m glad you love yourself because damn – I think I just fell in love with you, too.
Besides the fact that everything you said here makes so.much.sense (imagine that? A really well-thought out point of view!) you can write your ass off.
Well.
You know what I mean.
I LOVE LOVE LOVE this post. I’ve just made the 1 year mark in treatment for an Eating Disorder and HOLY CRAP my recovery would have been SO MUCH EASIER if all of America had this viewpoint! WHY is the way we look the MOST IMPORTANT THING?!?! It’s not! Thank you for showing such a healthy arrangement of priorities! Being happy is better than being “skinny”.
I want to reply to more of you individually, because your comments mean the world. (Totally unrelated, I happen to be at the funeral of a dear family friend today. Which means I’m back “home” and back to the world of super pretty skinny girls and it’s so weird to be all, “Whatever. You have your things, I have mine.”
But thank you for your words of encouragment because it helps me know I’m not just being crazy, and I’m not alone.”
I’m with you on this. I’ve spent my whole life hearing how fat = ugly/unacceptable/unlovable and I’m constantly battling that voice in my head when in my heart I think I know that I don’t hate myself anymore, I just want to be thinner. I want to be able to shop at “regular” stores more than anything. I already work out and eat right most of the time and yet, even though I’ve tried every diet out there, I always end up being around a 16-18. I’ve started to think maybe this is just what I look like and maybe I should finally just get okay with it. But how?
Exactly this: “I have so much else going on, I just don’t know how to make weight-loss a priority without giving up something else. Like, by virtue of math, I have to do less of something in order to do more of something else.”
I have gone through my schedule with my mother, my doctor, my friends, my therapist… you name it. I have NO extra time. I even tried getting up an hour earlier in the morning. After a week my mom was on the phone with my BFF and they were hosting an intervention about my need for sleep. I have a very busy life. What do I give up? My job that pays the bills? Spending time with my kids? Nope. I don’t think so.
Amen sister. I am overweight because I am ‘broken.’ I do eat my feelings BUT I agree with you so wholeheartedly. I am strong, healthy and vibriant. I am active and eat (too much) of a very healthy diet. Regardless I have to endure shopping in plus size and being labelled with one of twenty labels I have no use for.
Pop culture classifies me without my permission. The fashion industry dictates that I may not wear current fashions.
I continue to hope that the emphasis will swing to health and strength instead of size and weight……
Thank you, Kristy, for talking about something that is usually hard to discuss, in a way that is so honest and loveable.
I think this is true for women of a range of sizes, whether you “need”/want to lose 100lb or 10lb. One of the things I love about you is that you are so easy to talk to about body stuff.
Evie is super lucky to have you as a role model and mom, for this and so many other reasons!
These are great questions, and things I have been considering a lot since I began my recent bout of weight loss.
I, too, was never a miserable fat person. I got fat because I love food, a lot of it. I love to eat until I am really full. I love to eat mindlessly while doing other things. I love to drink wine and gin and tonics. I love to eat cheese and bread. None of that came from misery or emotional scars.
For me, losing weight is a huge pain in the ass. It is pretty all-consuming – constantly thinking about what to eat, when to eat, what it means to eat certain things. So you’re right, it does take a chunk out of your schedule.
I had to do it though, because I was having trouble doing simple things like walking a mile or dancing salsa during my class. And my blood pressure was creeping up, which I did not want. So.
Now I eat less than half as much as I used to, and my weight loss is still slow. I work out every day, pretty much, and walk a lot more. BUT I do feel better, not necessarily emotionally but definitely physically. I’m proud that I have kept it up and have been making small, good choices over and over and over every single day.
For me, it has been worth it. I feel so much more capable. I can dance hard for an hour and it is entirely doable. I feel like I can not be so afraid my body is going to break at any moment, and I look forward to being able to get more and more healthy, if all things work out.
So that’s my honest truth. Thanks for sharing yours. Love you.
I hate the whole priorities thing too. I’m stretched thin (heh, not literally, although that would rock) by responsibilities that are important and meaningful. I’m certainly not lazy, nor do I eat donuts or double-cheeseburgers. The experts say “get up an hour early to work out!” but in the same breath talk about making sure to get plenty of sleep: so which is it? There aren’t enough hours in the day to do it all!
Great, great post. You put my issues in words.
I want to lose 25 lbs, but I do work out, do eat healthy (mostly – and when I don’t its because I’m a delish restaurant and anything with “truffle oil” or “bacon” is calling my name). I’m not miserable over my weight. Yea at the beach when the size 2 mom runs by in a bikini chasing a toddler and holding a baby I may want to cry for a moment, but that’s as far as my “misery” goes.
And you know what does make me miserable? Dieting. I’m happier when I’m out to dinner with friends and not caring if we order dessert after pizza….
I agree with your article – yes I’m unhappy with my weight, and yes I would be healthier if I were thinner, but it’s stopped being a high priority for me, because as you say, other more important things come first – i.e. doing my job well, giving care for my family and friends, and learning to be less of a bitch (which I see as more important than my shape!)
I did manage to lose weight between Christmas and Easter by joining a netball team and being forced to only buy the food I needed to eat at meals (it’s amazing what a lack of money can do – I couldn’t afford the sugary snacks or cakes or meals out any more!) so I know I can do it, but it’s not my number one goal at the moment
Kinda cruised through the comments section and wanted to put it out there that men go through this as well, and feel very similar, at least I do. I’ve started to make exercise a priority for health reasons almost more than anything at this point, at 31 it’s tougher then it used to be. Really enjoyed reading your article though.
(all “you”s = general “you”)
Not sure if this is just me misreading the post… but I think that people who are overweight ARE “miserable” to an extent. If you are truly happy with yourself, then you give yourself the best care possible. Being overweight, and not doing a thing about it (for WHATEVER reason) is not taking care of yourself. If you love yourself so much, and truly don’t have any qualms… then why do you treat your body so poorly?!
pressed “enter” too soon…
Taking care of your body (eating right, exercising regularly, maintaining a healthy weight – not overweight, not underweight) is central to a happy and fulfilling life. Strip away your career, your family, your friends, your life-long goals, your financial security, your romantic relationship(s)… if none of that existed, would you be happy just being you?! You shouldn’t need to depend on outside sources to be happy – being alone, simply yourself, should create enough happiness. And if you’re alone/simply yourself, I don’t believe you can be happy while simultaneously treating your body like crap.
But no one (or very few) lives completely alone with nothing else in their life but the state of their body, and I think that’s the point. Her life is very full and her physical health has taken a backseat because it isn’t so terrible that it is causing major problems.
“Taking care of your body (eating right, exercising regularly, maintaining a healthy weight – not overweight, not underweight) is central to a happy and fulfilling life.”
For you. Or, in your opinion. Right?
This is perplexing, the idea that losing weight requires a time-consuming program. I’m not a psychologist, but it sounds like denial in there somewhere.
Eat less. I’m 60, and have always kept a slim figure by eating slim. Caloric reduction is much more important than exercise. It’s easy. Stop gawking at the cosmic mystery of it all and just eat less.
Flame away.
If I could just “eat less” and lose weight, I would. But it’s not that easy. Yes, mathematically it is, but “just take in less calories than you burn” requires a discipline I don’t have. I am disciplined in other areas of my life, but not this one.
In order to stay disciplined, I need to stay motivated. And in order to stay motivated, I need to care. Specifically, I need to care more about counting calories than not. And I don’t, quite.
That’s the whole point. I’m not gawking, it’s not mysterious. I know the mechanics. Knowing is different from doing.
[As a side note, I disagree whole-heartedly with Caloric reduction is much more important than exercise. More important how? As a matter of personal experience, my weight loss has always been accelerated by both caloric reduction and exercise.]
Get out of my head. This is fantastic.
ding ding ding.
great expression of what everyone goes through. it’s good to take in what others go through with their weight. i was always a chubby kid, chubby adult. i eat when i’m not feeling too good about my circumstances throughout phases in my life. when i tip the scales at 185, i don’t stay there longer than 3 years, and i go back down to about 130. but when i get complacent, but then sorta depressed, the weight creeps back up. it’s sooooo hard as a mother of young children to try and control the weight. a mother spends all her awake time making sure the children have snacks and food .. and she eats right along with them! my children are grown now, and i’ve had only bouts of depression to blame. i worked off 50 pounds a year and a half ago, and i’m creeping back up to 145. it’s just so hard to keep the fervor and will power up.
I have always been told “Oh you would be so beautiful if you lost a few pounds”. I KNOW I look better thinner. I feel better thinner. But I also LOVE my life. I’m happy, relaxed, mellow, love my kids, my home, my job, my family.
I turn into a miserable bi*#ch when I diet. I enjoy my food, and when I don’t have it, I’m not as happy. Period. I am caught between that xxl size and a size 18. I am fat but not FAT.
Also, I am NOT sassy. I don’t want shine and sparkle. I don’t want colored pants. And I don’t have humongous boobs, (not all plus sized women do). I do have great hair, great skin, and I’m happy. Just not with my weight.
Kristy, I remember finding your blog for the first time years ago when you put up the post on craigslist with all your hilarious illustrations. Since then, I feel like I’ve been on a weight loss rollercoaster with you! We’ve both lost and gained countless times. We’ve also left SF for the suburbs, gotten married and had kids. So the weight changes are to be expected.
I have actually never been higher than a size 12, and that was the weight I was stuck at for awhile after all 3 kids. I never lost that extra 10 pounds in between kid #2 & #3 so the weight I got stuck at this past year was higher than I’ve ever been. And I totally did not care while dealing with three kids under 5. I just wanted to survive each day and not think at all about what I was eating. I actually was exercising, but it totally didn’t help.
Then Stella started sleeping through the night, I started to feel somewhat awake again, and the fact that I have had high blood pressure for the first time in my life since her birth finally scared me enough to do something about it. I just hit the 20 pounds lost mark yesterday and I still have at least 10 more to go, just to get to an average weight. I haven’t had my blood pressure checked again since I started the weight loss because I’m so afraid it didn’t help, but I realize that I need to.
All that said, I just don’t think that those who don’t love food really get just how difficult it is to just eat less, exercise more. Or to “find the time” it takes to lose weight. Yes, it seems like a simple formula, but when you have a love of food, it really does make life better to eat! I am definitely one of those people who is already thinking of the next meal before I finish the next one.
And my most recent weight loss? While it was definitely needed and I am proud of how hard I’ve worked, it also annoys me when people tell me how great I look and how amazing it is that I lost weight. Because did I really look that awful? I know I had just had my third baby and didn’t feel great, but I didn’t feel that I looked that awful! Why is it that you have to lose weight to look great?
Anyhow, my main point on this comment was that i wanted to let you know that you have been an inspiration to me for years. I started doing the couch 2 5k after watching you go through it on facebook. And I ran my first 5k and then my second. I’m not running regularly right now, but I do zumba 1-2 times a week and am really in great shape. I never would have thought I could run at all before seeing you do it! So know that even if you are not losing weight, I think you are a beautiful, inspirational person just the way you are. Now that you think I’m a stalker, I’ll sign off!
Hi Liz,
Thanks for taking the time to leave this comment – it’s very sweet and (frankly) flattering. I’m flirting once again with the C25K and it’s mostly just mocking me…but I know I can do it so I may as well!
Kristy: I loved your piece and I identified with every single word. I was a very accomplished chubbette. And a lifetime chubbette at that who did EVERY diet on the planet.
Career, personal life, hobbies, kid, all good. What wasn’t was good was my weight, but it never held me back. Then, and now this is going to sound like an ad, but it isn’t, I found, FINALLY found, the most amazing diet that worked for me. I don’t work for the diet company and I don’t make any money from telling you about it. I’m just all googly-eyed about it and want to share it. I went from a size 14-16 (and some 18s) to a size 2-4 (and some 0s). I don’t want to clog up your commenting area with the details, but I am happy to tell you about it if you email me.
This is an interesting take on the subject. Most women flat out hate themselves- so I suppose tolerating your body is a step up. I believe something a little different & what you said is something I’m going to consider. Is LOVING myself as a fat girl just the same as skinny people being obsessed with their weight? I am of the belief that life happens all around us: jobs, kids, deadlines etc. But that your first priority should always be you. That if you’re not good with you you can’t be at your full potential. Loving yourself = healthy. Not a lower amount of fatty tissue. That life begins when you say it does, not when you lose weight. You see, we agree on many things: I think we are much more our minds and hearts than our bodies (like you) and there’s so much more to life than having that hot body to show off at the gym. “I am not fat because I am miserable. I love myself. But I don’t like the way I look.” I am not miserable (at all) yet I am fat. Honestly I’m just trying to understand how you can love yourself if you don’t like the way you look… I feel like you can’t truly love yourself if there’s something about yourself you don’t like, but at the same time simply “tolerating” your body is destructive as well. I am 236 lbs. & pregnant and I LOVE the way I look. I’ve completely set aside the American standard of beauty- I’ve come to understand how sick and dangerous it is. I love every flap and curve on my body and I’m especially happy for the new changes because it reminds me of the life growing in me! I LOVE how my body looks even though the whole world tells me not to! I don’t simply tolerate my body at all. I have many other things in my life lol. I don’t sit around in front of a mirror and worship myself for a living so I totally get what you’re saying. But throughout my day I feel confident no matter what I’m doing….we agree on quite a bit but I’m just trying to understand how I can love myself and not like the way you look exactly how you are? I’d love to have more of a conversation about this…
Hi Michelle,
I wanted to address one thing you asked/said in particular:
I feel like you can’t truly love yourself if there’s something about yourself you don’t like
I think it’s the same way we love our spouses and family members even if there are things about them we don’t especially like.
I am not perfect, and I have a lot of things that I wish I did better. For example, I am horrible at sending thank-you cards. I am never on time sending gifts. I often talk to think, and can (therefore) be very long-winded. I don’t like ANY of these things about myself, but I can control them, and am working to get better at them. That doesn’t mean I don’t love who I am. Weight is just one of the factors I’m working on.
Does that make sense?
When I was miserable I was a lot thinner because I was too sad and angry to eat. On the other hand, the happy me loves cooking and eating and going out to dinner parties etc which helps expalin the snug fit of my trousers.
This was a very thought provoking piece, and the aspect that I most wanted to comment on was the not having time to lose weight thing because I struggled with that too, for a long time.
I’ve lost significant weight twice before in my life, after the birth of each of my children. The first time was because I was so stressed out looking after a baby that never slept and cried constantly that I didn’t have time to eat. But then he started sleeping and I started eating (because I loooove food) and the weight crept back to what it’s been at the last 15 years.
Then I had my second baby who was marvellous and slept all the time, so I started to use my free time to cook all these amazing low-cal recipes and again I dropped about two dress sizes while never feeling like I was dieting. But then I started working a lot more and just didn’t always have time to plan and cook and bring to wokr the healthy meals so I started to rely on takeaways and sandwiches and once more the weight crept back.
I realised that I was simply eating too much (I adore food) and that I needed portion control more than exercise. I also watched a television program about the benefits of intermittent fasting. There are two versions of this:
1) Out of every 7 days, have two days during which you eat no more than 500 calories. (They don’t have to be consecutive days). I find this very helpful when I have full-on days at work because I often don’t have time for meals and I keep a few things around (like miso soup, or cucumbers) that I can prepare quickly.
2) Out of every 24 hours, don’t eat for consecutive 16. In practise this means either skipping dinner or breakfast.
What I like about this is that when you are eating you can usually eat whatever you like and I’m more of a feast/fast person than a ‘controlled eating’ person because minuscule portions make me feel depressed and I can control hunger quite easily if I know that my next lovely meal is only two hours away. Also, doing this has made me eat less overall – I’m more quickly satiated now and I feel fuller a lot longer.
I’ve been doing option 2 for about a month and it took a few weeks before I saw any difference in weight (to be fair, I was on holiday so I was feasting and the 16:8 thing at least meant I did not put on any weight despite stuffing my face daily with olives and cheeses and proscuitto and coffees with ice cream and whipped cream) but recently I’ve seen small/steady weight loss (down 2 lbs, 18 to go).
lovely site, I know a few women I will recommend it to.
Thank you for saying this. I feel the same. I am a single parent of a tween and a teen. I have 100% custody so don’t have the ‘free time’ I hear many single parents talk about. I have a very demanding, and satisfying, job. We’re active in our church and community. I have great friends I love to spend time with. I’m busy. And tired.
Weight loss has always been a monkey on my back. I’ve always been the big girl. Bigger than my sisters, bigger than my friends. I’m tall and big boned and I love food. To eat it, prepare it, and share it with others. That doesn’t mean the food is all bad food; I prepare healthy, well-rounded meals for my family. Yes, I enjoy an occasional cookie or Hersey nugget. But I’m not sitting down in front of the TV and wolfing down a package of Oreos.
I love myself. I love who I’ve become as a parent, single woman, child of God. And over the past year, I’ve made an effort to be healthier. Not to wipe out the Hersey nuggets and cookies, but to limit them. Not to deprive myself, but to make healthy choices. It has not had a dramatic impact on my weight. But it has helped reduce things like my cholesterol & tryglicerides. I want to be around to enjoy my grandkids so I want to make better choices.
I’m not in a position to dramatically alter my lifestyle. I don’t have an extra 5 hours to spend at a gym every week. And, I’m not interested in revolving my life around a diet that makes me crabby. And I’m ok with all of that. Do I look at other women who are thin and think, oh, that would be nice. Of course I do. And, do I wish clothes shopping was easier? Heck, yes. I also have big feet and calves which makes shoe and boot shopping a challenge too, but that’s a topic for another day.
But I accept that God made me the way I am. Sturdy. A big girl. A woman with no discernable waist. And a loving mom. A loyal and steady friend. A respectful daughter. I am beautiful. The world may say it’s mostly on the inside – but I think that’s where it counts the most!
Thank you for your post. And for loving yourself. It’s a good thing.
Yessirree, I’ve come to the conclusion that I just have an over-confidence problem! I perceive myself as a beautiful, smart, sexy, godly woman. By medical definitions, I am 40lbs over weight or obese, but it doesn’t seem to phase me. Maybe if my parents, family, husband (friends, etc) were lousy, then I might be driven to be ‘perfect’ and would be on a mission to lose weight. Instead, I eat healthy, exercise daily, volunteer my time, love and hug on my family and don’t brood over every morsel I eat. In other words, I am happy. O-well
Kristy,
This is the first time I have ever read a “weight post” that actually resonated with me.
I don’t hate myself at all. In fact, I am really REALLY happy (despite the depression and other things). I love my job, my husband, my boys. I love this blogging thing I do (which I would love to write MORE, but alas, the time). I love my life. It is so lovely.
But. It is busy. SO BUSY. I weigh far more than I ever have in life and I just don’t have time to work on that. But I don’t loathe myself. Yes, I wish I was skinnier. Yes, I want to work on that someday. But right now? With my working full-time and my husband working full-time and his going to school 3 nights a week. AndAnd having 2 small boys…it just doesn’t work.
THANK YOU for this post.
Weighing 200 pounds didn’t make me miserable. The health problems I developed as I moved into my late 40s as a result of my obesity made me miserable. I developed high blood pressure and hypoglycemia (diabetes’ evil twin). My knees and hip joints ached and I had constant rub rash between my thighs. Heartburn kept me awake at night and I seemed to catch every cold and virus around. I lacked the energy to exercise and even simple activities like climbing 2 flights of stairs left me breathless. Shopping for clothes wasn’t much fun as a size 18 and shopping for shoes was worse–my feet were “fat” too and finding EEE shoes isn’t easy. My mom always says that people change their behavior when the situation they find themselves in hurts enough.” I changed my behavior. I joined Weight Watchers and learned about healthy eating and portion control. I started walking and riding the exercise bike which had been collecting dust in the bonus room. I began weight training and made a point of always taking the stairs and parking in the farthest spot in the parking lot. The weight didn’t come off in three months. Lots of little changes gradually added up to big change and I dropped 52 pounds in 18 months. I feel 15 years younger, my blood pressure is normal, and I haven’t had an incident of hypoglycemia in over a year. Shopping for clothes is much more fun as a size 8 than it was as an 18 and I can finally buy shoes that I like instead of settling for shoes that fit. There is a tradeoff. I have to exercise 45 minutes to an hour most days and I still track my eating throughout the day to keep the weight off. I also weigh myself daily and if I am up more than 2 pounds, I am very careful about my eating the next few days. As long as I eat right and exercise regularly 90% of the time, I can splurge on my favorite chocolate cake or a plate of pasta 10% of the time. I didn’t hate myself at 200 pounds, but I am glad that I learned that making small changes could gradually and painlessly take the weight off and make me healthier.
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