I’m a marriage and family therapist, so sometimes I am prone to analyzing (and over-analyzing) the ways our family of origin’s habits affect us as adults. While I love the idea of creating our own destiny, I also am a believer in the idea of family systems—meaning that in the absence of great effort, we tend to repeat the patterns that we observed in the families we were raised in. The behaviors of our parents often become our default behaviors.
It doesn’t mean that we are destined to become our parents. It just means that we may have to be intentional to make sure that we don’t subconsciously fall into the familiar ways of acting we observed as kids.
Over the last year, as I’ve been on a journey to live in a more healthy, sustainable way, I’ve been very aware of the habits I have that are entrenched in my own family system. I didn’t have great modeling in terms of taking care of my body. While my mom was an amazing example in many aspects, she has had an ongoing struggle with her weight that was definitely passed down to her daughters. My mom never went to the grocery store. My grandfather lived with us and did all the shopping, and then she fixed whatever he bought. There was no meal-planning to speak of and very little intention about the nutrition of our food. Most of our vegetables were out of a can, and we rotated through the same five meals each week. There wasn’t a sense of adventure or a love of cooking modeled when it came to food. However, we WERE passionate about our desserts. Both of my parents were fond of sweets, and in my house we had Little Debbie cakes on hand all the time. I think I ate several each day, never really seeing a problem with it. My mom didn’t teach me about portion control or moderation . . . and she didn’t model it, either. I understood food to be a reward, or something to do when bored, because that’s what I watched my parents do.
I also never saw my mom working out. She was active when I was really young, but my biggest memory was her complaining that she was too fat to go to the gym. She was worried that she would look foolish, and that others would judge her. So she didn’t go.
I’m not bringing this up to cast judgment on my mom – on the contrary, I see all of these tendencies in myself. I really struggle with meal-planning and with keeping my pantry stocked. I am usually doing the six-o’clock scramble trying to figure out what to have for dinner. I like to eat as a reward for a hard day. I don’t take classes at my gym for fear of looking stupid.
I don’t blame my mom, but I am aware that it is hard to change the narratives. I do sometimes wonder if things would be easier now if I had watched my parents prioritize self-care. Would I have an easier time making a habit of working out if that was something I observed growing up? How would my choices be different if my mom had taught me how to cook with fresh ingredients instead of opening a can?
I ask these questions not just for myself, but also for my kids. I want to take better care of myself and change some of the family habits that have been passed down. But I also want to model good habits for my kids. I want them to learn how to enjoy healthy foods, and to see me prioritizing my health.I want us to be a healthy family that does active things together. And I NEVER want to send the message that we should sit out of something because we might look stupid.
I’m hoping to change my family’s legacy. Not just for me, but for my kids.
How about you? What were some of the messages you got growing up? How have they helped or hindered you in finding health and in body acceptance?
We ate at the exact same time every day. Mom started dinner right after Oprah ended at 5 pm. Dinner was at 6 pm, right when my Dad got home from work. I wasn’t hungry because I usually ate a snack when I got home from school at 3:45. Nevertheless, we always ate on the schedule. And then in college, we always ate between afternoon and night classes at 6:15. It wasn’t until I went to law school and lived entirely on my own that I learned to eat when and because I was hungry, NOT because it was “time” for dinner.
THIS. I was the same way – it took me until college to figure out that eating when hungry was the way to go, not eating at rigidly fixed times that I had always assumed were when you were “supposed” to eat. I view food so differently now that I can listen to my body and figure out what kind of/how much food I want to eat, when I’m hungry for it.
I also grew up with three siblings close in age, and breaking out of the food competition habit has been tough – I always cleaned my plate and got seconds as fast as possible so I could make sure I got more (and mind you, my family made enough money to feed ourselves comfortably, my mother always cooked enough for everyone and if dinner was gone and you were still hungry, there were plenty of other options available. So there was absolutely no need to compete for food). Now as an adult, I have to remind myself to eat slowly and savor meals,
I definitely relate to this. We had the Mr. Ellis Happy Plate in my house (long story) which meant that we were to clean our plates. We ate whether we were hungry or not and finding out that you didn’t *have* to eat dinner just because it was 5 p.m. was revolutionary to me! It’s a difficult paradigm shift.
It is amazing what you learn from your mom in terms of eating. My mom always cooked, a main protein and then, like -2-3 sides.
So when I got married my husband was like WHY ARE YOU MAKING ALL THIS FOOD!?
And I thought that was just what everyone did. We gained a lot of weight that year.
It was a hard habit to break, but I can honestly say that I’ve beaten the habit. But it was hard making that change in my brain.
You mean not everyone eats like that??? That’s exactly what it was like in my house too. But both my parents came from large families (4 kids in my mom’s, 5 in my dad’s) and everyone helped out. So when they got married and had their own family, that’s what they both knew. Dinner = protein + 2-3 sides. Even now that it’s just the 2 of them, it’s still the same. And that’s how it is in my house. Now because it’s just me, I stick with protein + 2 sides, 1 starch, 1 green vegetable. And because it’s just me, I have a LOT of leftovers.
On the other side of that, we never had to eat something we didn’t want. You didn’t have to clean your plate at my house. However, you were expected to take small portions, so as not to throw away food. If you weren’t hungry, you didn’t eat. And that’s still how I am now.
I also watched my mom struggle constantly with her weight, trying diet after diet. It’s just in the last 7 years or so that she’s really adjusted her lifestyle and lost weight and kept it off. She spends almost as much time in the gym as I do.
This! I also thought that food was to be had in quantities that would have fed several families. I was truly shocked when I saw how little food my husband actually bought and what his portion size was as I really thought it would be almost embarassing not to serve three sides and two choices of desserts to your spouse on a random Tuesday night. I am still capable and willing to eat way more than him (!) but living with him and letting him do the shopping and cooking (we share these duties) has been eye-opening for me.
For me, it was the opposite. I was used to eating just a meat and vegetable, usually mixed together (like, ground beef with a can of green beans thrown in), because my parents were both really too busy to cook. Or, I’d eat a bowl of popcorn for dinner and call it a day. So when my husband and I first moved in together and I would cook, his response was always “Is this all?” It was usually followed by “where’s the salt?”, since my family never uses spices, ever.
Now, ten years on, I cook much differently than my parents do, with lots of spices and a wide variety of foods. And every time I make a meal at their house, I hear “That’s delicious, but it looks like a lot of work.” (which it totally isn’t.) But they’re comfortable with their eating habits, so it’s all good.
My Mom cooked everything from fresh, and we did have a routine we weren’t allowed snacks in-between meals and she had strict rules on desserts, if we had an “unhealthy” meal such as chips (I’m English) we had yoghurt or fruit for dessert, a healthy dinner (which was more usual) and we could have yoghurt, fruit or chocolate or cake. I’m now 36, have 4 kids and 2 bonus kids, and despite being tattooed and pierced and owning 6 Staffordshire bull terriers, I not only grow fruit and veg in my garden, I make everything we eat from scratch, including curries etc, my kids are adventurous with food and eat well and yes I plan a weeks worth of meals and shop accordingly…. And then break open the vodka
The “food as reward” thing is my biggest struggle. When I was a kid, if you were doing something special, it was going to get food. If you earned a reward, it was food. If you went on a trip, it was all about the food. If you were upset, you soothed yourself with food. I have to be always vigilant about rewarding/comforting/treating my kids with praise and affection instead of snacks, and modeling the same behavior (it’s hard!).
My father came from a farm family, with 11 kids, and my mom was practically an only child, with 8 older siblings, she came after an 8 year gap. When they married my dad had to help her improve her cooking skills. We were city kids and not as active as we could have, should have been. We ate ‘farm meals’ and had to eat what was served us. My snacking habits became atrocious when I was left home alone after school. I visited the snack cupboard out of boredom. I quit sports early on as I was made fun of for my lack of ability. So all together this resulted in me being skef conscious and not knowing how to change. My parents changed everything about the way they ate when I left the house, and now my sisters changed their diets & now exercise with their husbands. Which leaves me, having to motivate myself to make the changes I need to live the life I want. I observe my friends and family & people I follow on twitter and am slowly building the lifestyle I want. It’s hard to motivate myself to go to the gym, there is no one to be accountable to when I sneak a soda, other than how my body feels, and my body now tells me when I’ve slipped right away.
Thank you so much for this article! I have always been a problematic eater and developed a somewhat severe eating disorder after I moved to another city on my own for university. Much of this derives from the eating and exercising habits of my parents.
As a new mom to a daughter this post was an important read. It is important to acknowledge the effect our parents have on us. Not because I want to blame my parents but because I want to do anything and everything in my power to help my daughter accept herself and her body and have a healthy lifestyle.
The family habit my husband (and my dad actually) can’t believe comes from my mom’s family. As soon as one meal is finished, they plan the next one. Even at big meals like Thanksgiving. They literally talk about breakfast before bed. This leads to planning these elaborate feasts for ALL meals of a family visit. Every breakfast is like eating out at IHOP. So yummy but so wrong.
Growing up, my parents didn’t have a lot of “rules” about food, which I think is a good thing. However, one of the biggest rules (at least in my head) was the “Two Cookie Rule”. We were allowed to have dessert after dinner, and sometimes after lunch. But we were never allowed to eat more than two cookies per meal. Now, in my late 20′s, I often catch myself still sticking to this rule without even thinking about it. It definitely taught me about portion control and “everything in moderation”. A really good lesson. Also, along the same lines, we never had to clean our plates. As long as we ate most of our veggies and a little bit of everything else, we were okay to be excused from the table (and to enjoy two cookies later).
We were taught, through modeling, to enjoy food and each other’s company during meals. During the school/work week, we ate breakfast and dinner together every day. On weekends, it was usually all three meals. Breakfast during the week was never fancy – just cold cereal and toast. I never thought it was odd to eat breakfast together, but now that I’m older, I realize how rare this is, as so many families eat breakfast on the go. Waking up 15-20 minutes earlier is worth the family time in the morning. I think it sets a positive tone for everyone’s day, and it certainly has engrained in me how important breakfast is for one’s health and wellbeing.
My mom was the best cook ever! Her mom had little tolerance for overweight people, and as a result my mom struggled with her weight all her life. I remember her almost always being on a diet. I started dieting in grade three. Now that I am cognizant of this I try to never use the word “fat” or “weight” around my children, but instead talk about healthy and unhealthy food. The fact that my daughter has a gluten/dairy allergy helps us eat healthier because she cannot eat most processed foods.
Comments on this entry are closed.
{ 1 trackback }