Breaking cycles is a hard thing to do. My parents divorced when I was ten and, though the overwhelming sigh of relief that came over our house after the divorce was refreshing, certainly, no one enters into marriage to fail.
My parents married young, still teenagers. My dad was an alcoholic and at the core of their issues was his drinking. Memories of my first ten years consisted of my mom crying, my dad in drunken rages and me hiding and trying to muffle the soundtrack of our sad and arduous existence.
I vowed to not repeat my mom’s mistakes.
I would be smarter than to put myself in a position like that. I went to college. I made it to 24 and I actually paid close attention to the amount of alcoholic beverages consumed by the men I dated. Naively thinking that if that was avoided, everything else would just fall into place.
I waited until I was 25 to marry. I married a non-alcoholic, had a handful of kids and we should be living happily ever after. But we’re not.
I’ve been a stay at home mom for many years. Frankly, it was a role I always struggled with. I was dependent on someone else for all things financial. I’ve been less than fulfilled, professional and personally, always feeling like something was missing, not living up to my potential. I have felt powerless in life and unable to stand on my own two feet, feet that I know were once quite competent. So for many years, I’ve recognized myself fading away into oblivion, little by little, the way my mom did, the way I swore I would not.
I see the anxiety in my kids’ eyes, like I had when I was young, will today be a good day, will they argue, will mom cry today? Truth is, my kids do not know their mom. They know a stressed out woman who is a shell of the person she used to be. They see a woman who no longer knows her worth and is full of self-doubt and insecurities. A woman who struggles to fake a smile and isn’t true to herself. A woman who has been guided by fear for too long.
I haven’t liked the person I’ve been for a while and I couldn’t blame my kids for not liking her either. I’ve just been going through the motions, constantly on edge, a stranger to myself. I haven’t been passionate about anything for a long time. I’ve been living for others, anticipating reactions and quelling irrational thoughts. I have alienated myself from much of the outside world and lost dear friends for fear of them finding me out. I’ve been ashamed of what I’ve become and have missed feeling alive. I haven’t taken care of myself and, in effect, probably been doing a shitty job of taking care of them. I haven’t set the example that I should have.
The vibrancy in my life has been deflated and I am trying to take it back. I am embarking on, what may be, the hardest hurdle I’ve ever had to cross. But the life I’ve been living, though it’s been my normal, has been anything but easy. I’m too tired to run from the truth anymore. I don’t want to defend a lie and live in denial anymore. I am swallowing my pride, admitting my fault, and starting over. I’m in control again. And I think that is a success.
image courtesy Loleia
And brave, sister! Thanks for sharing. Know that I am behind you all the way!
Dear Tena. Congrats on recognizing this and taking steps to turn it around. What you are doing is quite similar to the journey I’m taking. It is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done. One thing I’ve discovered along the way is to be conscious of road blocks you put up yourself. Women (at least the women I know) just put others before themselves all the time. And granted, it is understandable with children who need care. But sometimes, you have to fill up your emotional cup before you can give someone else a drink. So be wary of that. I do hope you find your way to passion and fulfillment. I haven’t gotten there yet, but the glimpses I’ve been seeing definitely make this worth while. (I’d be happy to be an ear should you need to talk to someone.)
What a wonderful post. Thanks so much for sharing.
Very brave, indeed, Tena. To admit this to yourself and then share it publicly – that takes courage and honesty. You have so much support here. Thanks for sharing.
An honest and well-said post. I’ve struggled with the same feelings for many years now. And probably will for more to come. I admire your bravery and wish you all the best.
Oh, dude. Oh! Dude!!
It’s rather hard to be more-than-the-mother when your babies are in fact babies… as wonderful as they are, it can be so crippling at the same time. Le sigh. I know.
Start finding ways to be vibrant again. Hells to the YES, girl. You can do it… you will not fade away. xox
You are an amazing woman and I’m so happy to know you! xo
Good for you for taking the necessary steps to find your feet and start on your own path. Hang in there. xoxo
I too congratulate you on getting out of a draining situation.
I suspect I know the answer to this — and my asking in no way denigrates your decision — but if it was a question of you getting to pursue your dreams as well, was your ex/soon-to-be ex at all amenable to letting you accomplish what you needed?
as I’m sure you suspect, the answer is an emphatic no. I turned down job offer after opportunity for years, all to quell his anxiety and avoid confrontation, because I felt obligated to be “mom”. However, in my case, it went much deeper than persuing my dreams, it was a matter of being able to live, little things like leave the house, and make decisions without worrying about his irrational reactions. I didn’t want my kids to have that feeling of anxiety that I had grown to live under.
That’s … worse than I was suspecting, actually. All the more reason for you to stand tall.
Wishing you continued strength as you forge ahead.
Thank you for writing this. It could be my own story. But it’s getting better, little by little. I’m finding myself again and my kids respect the strong woman I’ve morphed into in the past year. I’ll never go back to the shell of a person I was. You will get there too and I don’t know about you, but I’m happy to know I’m not alone. I’m not the only one.
Tena,
You are amazing. It’s the hardest thing in the world for mothers to stop and say “I cannot live my life solely for everybody else, I have to live it for me too”. I also have five kids and stayed home for 13 years. I hear you loud and clear. I stand up and applaud your courage and your strength.
good luck, though I have no doubt you will make an absolute success of whatever it is you choose to do.
Thinking of you,
Nuala
If it helps, my mother could’ve written this piece.
And as an adult, I look back and see her struggle. I love her all the more for it.
(Hang in there. The best is yet to come.)
Wow, I’m so awed by your honesty. As a child of a marriage that made both parents shells of their real selves, they will totally get it when they see you happy and vibrant. I’m wishing you all the best.
You actually made me cry because you could have very well be writing my life story, only with three kids not five. I just don’t have the guts you do. You’re a brave, brave woman and I wish all the best to come your way, because I know how extremely difficult it is to just stand up and say ‘that’s it’.
good for you! best wishes. xxxx
Breaking the cycle is the hardest. In my family we have a saying, “This is the fire that makes you iron strong.” That’s what hard times are, a lesson. I hate this for you, but you should be really proud you’ve made this decision.
Godspeed Tena. Think of what YOU will be teaching your kids and the example that you will now be setting for them as you go forth. It sure sounds like you need to take care of you but by doing that you will teach your kids so much.
You are an intelligent, beautiful woman and you deserve all that you want and more. Good luck on your new journey.
I realized a few years ago that in order to be a ‘good’ mom, I first had to be a ‘good’ me. Actually the kick in the pants came from an airline attendant….the airline is kinda known for it’s more casual behavior…..who, when doing the speech about ‘if the air mask drops down, place it on yourself before you help someone else’. And then, quietly he mumbled ‘because if your dead, you can’t help anyone else. That resonated with me! If I’m dead/depressed/burnt out/exhausted or have given up so much of myself that I don’t recognize myself, I’m really no good to the people I love. Life is a balance, we just have to keep finding and adjusting it.
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