Recently I was at a spa about to receive a massage when they made a point of telling me to “undress to my comfort level” … which left me wondering, what’s your comfort level?
When I have a massage I always keep my drawers on but everything else goes. I’ve had many massages before, even at this spa, but never with this masseur.
And it was probably one of the more nerve wracking massages I’d ever gotten – you see someone I knew was going to be rubbing warm oil all over my body. Which has me squirming in my seat even writing it. It’s kind of creepy, right?
Not that I knew her well. And yes, the masseur was a female. But it gets weirder because this was the first time I ever had a massage where the hands on my body didn’t stop just short of the blanket barrier on my backside.
That is correct. She went for it and worked my butt. Under my drawers. Naked hands on my very naked butt.
But I left my underwear on?! That would mean I was signaling my COMFORT LEVEL! WHY ARE YOU HANDS ON MY ASS?
Needless to say I did not relax for this massage, I was constantly thinking about how awkward this felt and how much I just wanted someone to work the kinks out of my neck. (Which were now worse.)
What would you have done? I froze and had no idea how to react. I had a good 40 minutes left on the clock and I wanted them to be the least embarrassing minutes of my day, yet somehow I couldn’t find my voice to speak up for myself.
Are you a moaner? Do you signal your masseur when something feels great? (And no, we’re not talking about happy endings … I don’t even want to hear about those.) Are you too embarrassed to even undress and lay on a table for a stranger – or is having a massage one of the best ways you recharge?
And please tell me I’m not alone. Please.
Jodi lives naked on paper writing through her Life List and all that is being married to a serial entrepreneur. A mother to two, Jodi has a passion to inspire women to live outside of titles. She chronicles lists and links of Things To Do, takes way too many photos and dreams of living in one place for longer than 12 months. You can read more from Jodi on her blog, Jodi Michelle.
You’re not alone.
It’s awful when someone does something that you are not comfortable with and somehow you can’t tell them. Because then you carry the awful feeling inside you when it’s not your fault.
On the flip side, at least you can go get a massage, I won’t make physical contact with anyone other than my husband.
Oh Penny. That’s awful. I’m so sorry …
I love getting massages. I always have a women just so I can relax, not worry. Now I will be worrying. LOL! I don’t know what I would have done. I am with you and always leave my “drawers” on. I don’t give any feedback unless I’m asked specific questions like “is that the right amount of pressure”. I am guilty of not speaking up for myself when it might be too much pressure but that doesn’t happen that often. Why is it so hard to speak up? We are the ones forking out the money after all.
I’ve only gotten deep tissue massages, which are kinda painful, so I’m sure I’ve yelped (or said “ouch”) a time or two. I remember always leaving my drawers on, like you, and I don’t recall ever getting an “under the drawers butt massage”. I’d like to think that I’d have spoken up about it, but honestly? If it were someone I knew? I’m not sure if I would have. I probably would have frozen and said nothing. Maybe, if you choose to return to that facility, you could have a clothed conversation about how you feel uncomfortable with that level of contact – you don’t even have to mention that it happened before, if you don’t want to – and that you want to reiterate from the beginning what can and cannot be massaged.
I’ll be steering clear of that masseur from now on – I don’t think I can even have a conversation with them about it. Write about it on the internet? Totally fine. Talk out loud about it? Um, no. I would honestly be too embarrassed to say anything …
Heh. I’ve honest to god never had a massage because being touched freaks me out. I haz issues, yo.
I totally understand not being able to say anything. I’d probably avoid them. Not that this is the “right” way to handle it, but it’s totally what I’d do.
I used to work for a chiropractor who had a massage therapist on staff. I could get free services . . . and I was pregnant . . . but the massage therapist was my friend’s HUSBAND. So no, never had a massage. I agree that they are best done by someone you don’t know, or by someone you know and love. My husband gives me a darn good rub now and then.
Um yea – I would have avoided that like the plague as well!
I want to go get a massage SO bad, but I’m a little iffy on getting undressed/being touched by a stranger. I have a lupus-ish disease and I have such terrible bone and joint pain, and for that reason I want to have a great massage, but at the same time I’m also afraid they might be too rough on my sore spots.
Until I make up my mind I’ll just keep using the fiance. He lets me call him Hans.
The spa I go to has you fill out a questionnaire ahead of time where you write down any medical conditions, areas where you are especially sensitive or any areas you do not want touched. And every time I’ve had a massage, the massage therapist comes in to talk to me beforehand to ask me about any problems I’m having with certain muscle groups or anything I’m not comfortable with. If you really want a massage, talk to your friends and see where they’ve had good experiences.
I had the questionnaire for my VERY first visit and it’s in my file but I don’t think they thoroughly review the file before each visit if you’ve been there before. Aaaand now I’m reconsidering everything.
I used to be so scared to get a massage when I was really overweight. Then I thought, umm she is massaging my 90 year old grandmother (who wasn’t thin by any means) so I’m pretty sure she’s cool with massaging me. Plus it’s pretty dim in the room, so there’s not a whole lot she can see. I leave my underpants on and I’ve never had someone reach under them. I don’t even know how I would react. Maybe say OW so they think they are hurting you and maybe they’ll stop? If I have a person, I have to fill out a form stating the way I like the pressure and if I’m comfortable in the buttocks (hehe) and the chest muscles, etc. I guess they look at that and see that I put NO and don’t go there. I don’t blame you for being weirded out, I would be too!
Eek! I’m totally freaked out by the idea of massages at a massage parlor and this story makes it that much worse for me.
That is seriously disturbing, Jodi. Though I would’ve probably reacted the exact way you did.
They’re amazing – really! You should at least try it. The salon I went to before this one had a wonderful and very comforting masseur that I always went to. Very respectful and helped me address my fears by asking the right questions. Just tell them you’re nervous or uneasy and if they’re any good – it’s their job to make you feel at ease.
Jodi, I’d call the spa and let them know that you were not comfortable with what happened. It doesn’t have to be in a complaint kind of way, just in a hey, you might want to revise your policies so that the massage therapist sets out the parameters ahead of time kind of way.
As I said in response to someone else’s comment, every time I’ve had a massage, the therapist takes me back to the room, tells me what areas she massages, and asks me what I am and am not comfortable with. And during the massage, she’ll say “I’m going to touch your hip” or whatever, so I’m not surprised by anything she does.
It concerns me that this girl didn’t do that with you, and that’s why I think you should call and let them know.
On a sidenote, I once had to stop a massage because I was seriously going to pee myself. I drink a lot of water throughout the day. A LOT. And the massage therapist was being really nice and went 20 minutes over my hour, but I couldn’t appreciate it because my bladder was going to burst! I finally told her I needed to stop because I desperately had to pee. I was embarrassed, but she just said it’s good I drink so much water, so I wash the toxins out of my body.
No personal experience with massages, but I overheard a lady last week talking about the subject. She was annoyed because she *wanted* her butt massaged and the woman she last went to didn’t do it. It’s got muscles too, right? Umm, yeah.
Over the blanket is totally kosher with me … but this was, um. Not.
All you need to do before the massage begins is just say “hey, I’m going to tell you what I like and don’t like as you go. Not trying to tell you how to do your job I just want to make this experience a good one for both of us” I have had to tell them that it hurts or that massaging my legs is not as important as my neck! And I ALWAYS get my butt massaged (under my undies) it’s where most of my sciatic tension begins! Speak up! They are only there to help and I can assure you they would be more embarassed after the fact than during!
I usually leave my undies on. It just feels weird to me to lay there completely naked. I tried it once, and couldn’t focus on relaxing, just kept thinking, I feel weird.
I love a good massage, and get them a few times a year. I have never had someone massage my butt – undies or not. They work up my leg, right to the crease where my butt starts, but they don’t cross that line. They will also work my hip – the side butt if you will, but again, that’s completely different – to me anyway – than the whole of my butt. Can you talk to a manager there about it? I am not sure I would have been able to speak up – though we should – but I would definitely have called the manager later on.
It was mostly just awkward … I was caught off guard and felt like a deer in headlights. I won’t be getting another massage with this employee but don’t entirely feel I need to speak with the manager … I don’t know. I love this office and frequent them as they’re also connected to my chiropractors office ….
Okay so I actually went to college for massage therapy and I was surprised to read that she actually went under your drawers. If a client left their underpants on, it usually meant, “Don’t touch my bare backside.” So I’d massage ontop of the clothing or even moreso, I’d pull the sheet over their backside and massage through the sheet. While it’s not the most effective, it’s at least a little more comfortable to them – which is really the whole point.
I think because I went to school for it I’m a lot more comfortable with undressing completely. I have no worries about being naked like that. Because seriously, coming from someone who actually did this for a living (for a short period of time at least) … they don’t care. I never once looked at a client and thought “Wow, they’re naked. That’s weird/hot/gross/etc.” I saw it as a body, nothing more.
Except for one guy who seriously hadn’t bathed in like . . . a month. Vomit.
I used to get a massage at the gym I went to. But I was getting a sports massage, and she would ask me where I needed the massage the most at each session, so it usually was just my neck and back and my legs, and if I asked, my arms. I def kept my underwear on and she kept the sheet over my butt the entire time. She was a little girl, but she as amazing. I was so upset when she moved to Amsterdam a few years ago, and haven’t had a good massage since then.
I think if I was getting a massage and the person went under my underwear I’d yell “what the hell?!” and tell them to stop!
I get massages as often as I can (3 times a year-ish), and I have definitely seen a variety of massage therapists. In this specific situation I would contact the facility and let them know your massage was uncomfortable, and made you more tense than you were when it started. I would ask them for a different therapist, and for a massage on the house. Simply speaking, there is loud & clear code with massage:
Any clothing = do not touch that area.
Seriously, go get a massage on the house, and reiterate to the management that you are very likely not the only one who’s boundaries being crossed, and if they want clients to return, they had better address this problem.
Good luck.
So when you go again are you going to say, “hey, don’t touch my booty?”
I’ve had a couple massages over the years but I’m always completely uncomfortable. I hate having strangers touch me, which is why I can’t stand to have a mani/pedi either. I even got a gift certificate from a boss of mine for a massage and I was so pissed off because it just was awful. I didn’t want to waste her money by not using it but I was so uncomfortable with the idea that some stranger was going to touch me and probably be grossed out by my excess flab that I couldn’t relax. I don’t see me getting another one again, ever.
If the masseuse gave you the option of keeping some clothes on, that’s a very clear message of which areas are no-go. She shouldn’t be anywhere at all that is underneath your clothing. I would have spoken up earlier with “I’m not comfortable with this”. But, at a minimum, you should tell the spa or wherever you were about this behaviour and see if they agree with you. I think they will.
Once went, to a masseuse I had visited before, got on the table, she started, realized I needed to pee. To embaressed to say anything I endured 90 minutes of her trying to work out the knots as I tensed up trying to hold it in. On the flip side, completely different masseuse had her table in a private heated deck on a cliff over the river gorge. Ah-may-zing. If you’re in Oregon, Go To Her.
I have really, really bad sciatic pain from a few compressed discs so I usually get a massage at least once a month, from a ‘clothing optional’ facility – i am a 3xl in most clothing, so i usually prefer to keep my panties and bra on, but the masseuse will tell me when she undoes the bra strap to massage the area and then she will refasten after she is done. she also covers any remaining area she is not working on with a sheet for my privacy but also to keep me warm during the massage. i would recommend sending an email to the company detailing what happened & how it made you feel & that in future, you would prefer that any clothed areas remain ‘out of bounds’ for massaging, or the massage is performed over the clothed area. i’m so sorry that something that was supposed to be relaxing was instead an uncomfortable experience for you.
I usually take everything off but my underwear.
My massage therapist is a former co-worker of mine, and I babysit her children.
I have really tight pecs, and they cause me pain in other places (neck, wrists), so I usually get my chest massaged. Which hurts like HELL, and isn’t really awkward but more funny to me.
I get a massage every month, by a man, gitch stay on. If it were a woman, gitch would stay on.
What kind of massage was it? Relaxation? Therapeutic?
Ive had the butt worked, but over the gitch and over the blanket. I would never feel comfortable without a blanket.
I think most might agree… Just me?
I get massages on a monthly basis with a male masseuse. I strip down to my undies (usually a thong). The first time I had my butt massaged I was very surprised, but didn’t speak up. I talked to some friends about it and they asked what kind of underwear I wore and it was a thong because I was coming from work and hate panty lines. Anyway, I think because I had that on he felt the need to massage there. Now I think it actually feels good and expect it when I go ever since then. Massages are all about your comfort level so I would say something to her or the manager just so she knows and doesn’t offend anyone else.
I am a massage therapist and I am so sorry that this has happened. What your therapist should have done was ASK you if it was ok to work your glutes (butt muscles). It really is a good thing because it can help with some issues. Please don’t be afraid to talk to your therapist!! On pressure and where your problem areas are. And shame on her for not asking you first! She was not doing her job well.
WTF is a “gitch?”
Anyway… I agree that the massage therapist should have asked first before going there, and you’d think she would have felt you immediately tighten up. But if you didn’t speak up, shift away from her or somehow indicate that you weren’t comfortable, then you have to accept at least some of the responsibility for what happened in the moment.
To be fair, she wasn’t trying to molest you, of course, and she clearly didn’t even view the glutes as anything more than just muscles to be massaged. I would definitely talk to her (or someone else there if you can’t bring yourself to face her), tell them of your experience in a calm, informative way, and listen to their feedback.
Obviously they want their customers to be happy and I am sure they will strive to make it right. And you can both take it as a learning experience to speak up in the future.
I get a massage every 2 week, and that’s the best thing I’ve done for my health. I love when they work the butt – it has a lot of muscles that carry tension that affect legs and back. I don’t care whether they massage my butt or the back – it’s just muscles. The only no-no for me is genitals, but other than that – please massage it!
It’s good to be open minded, but I remember my first massage when I was scared to undress. Now, I am ready to throw my clothes completely off the second I come to the office! )))
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