Recently, a story I remember hearing a few years back was pushed back into the media spotlight - British couple Beck Laxton and Kieran Cooper had a child whose sex they refused to reveal publicly, in order to avoid pressuring him (her?) into any kind of gender stereotype. For five years, the public knew nothing but the child’s name (Sasha), and the parents referred to her (him?) as “The Infant,” to avoid gender-specific pronouns.
Once Sasha reached primary school, however, his sex became too difficult to conceal, and his mother and father recently revealed that Sasha is a male. The couple is now facing widespread criticism for their decision, being called everything from “looney” to “abusive.” After reading several different articles about the couple’s methods of parenting and their responses to critics, I’m inclined (at least to a point) to agree.
First, there is the fact that Sasha is “only allowed to play with ‘gender-neutral toys’ in their television-free home.” On the one hand, I can understand it: no Fairy Princess Barbies or ‘roided-up G.I. Joes, and no commercials or sitcoms to imprint him with media stereotypes of what a boy or girl “should” be like. On the other hand, though, are they truly letting Sasha choose his own gender identity if they kept toys and shows like those out of his world entirely? And isn’t branding G.I. Joe as a “boy toy” and Barbie a “girl toy” a pretty non-gender-neutral act?
Sasha is also “encouraged” to wear more feminine attire on weekends (when he is not required to wear his school uniform), but is “banned from sporting combat trousers.” Despite this, Sasha’s father claims that he and his partner ”are not forcing” Sasha’s clothing choice to either side. This seems a little contradicting.
While I truly can understand the fact that they didn’t want their child bombarded by society’s ideas of what a boy or girl “should” be like, it seems as though they neglected to teach their child a few essentials about the world outside of his own home.
It is a simple, undeniable fact: two different biological sexes exist. Sasha is a boy. He has boy “parts.” It’s one thing to try and keep your child from being pressured by society into a stereotype; it’s another thing entirely when you decide not to teach your child, in his most impressionable years, the fact that differences between males and females do exist. Clearly, these parents want to keep their son away from the societal pressures of gender norms. But how much pressure are they putting on their male child by “encouraging” him to wear clothing tailored to fit a female body, while simultaneously keeping him away from toys that are, in their minds, too feminine?
It is also apparent that this couple wishes to teach their child by example, so I would be very interested to find out whether Sasha’s father ever wears dresses, ruffles, or floral prints.
Everyone gravitates toward a certain sexuality in their own time. Individuals have always been able to discover their own gender identity, whether it be in spite of or because of the influences they encounter in their upbringing. Additionally, understanding one’s own sexuality and gender role within society’s constructs is fundamental to the way a person carries, conducts, and perceives him- or herself. Sasha is not being given the opportunity to do this with the great variety of clothing items and toys his parents either encourage or ban.
Although the purpose in their chosen parenting method is to allow Sasha total freedom in his gender exploration and expression, Cooper and Laxton seem to be giving him anything but.
Add to all of this the fact that these parents are publicizing, on a world-wide scale, the very abnormal way they are raising their child, and I can understand the critics who accuse these parents of abuse (although I would lean more toward the word “exploitation”). What will it do to a child if, whenever he goes in public, he is noticed not because of who he is or what he has done, but because of what his parents are doing to him? As the mother of a little boy, I cringe when I think of how many times, before his sex was revealed, he must have seen people in public gawking, pointing, and whispering.
“Do you think it’s a boy or a girl?” It breaks my heart to think of the long-term effect this could have on child.
While I don’t wish for my son to grow up under the impression that as a male, he must be, dress, or act one way or another in order to be loved or accepted, I truly believe this couple has taken this so-called “gender-neutral” upbringing to an almost unethical extreme. Their son, for the first five years of his life, was not able to even say, “I’m a boy” – a phrase that would have given him a foundation for the expression of his own identity. How potentially damaging is it to a preschooler if you force him or her to conceal such an integral part of who he or she is?
It makes me think: do we not, as parents, have a responsibility to teach our children the basic differences between sexes and genders, and encourage them to form their identity, whatever that may be?
Growing up I was very tender headed, so my mom kept my hair in a short cut, since I cried if she tried to brush it. Kids always used to ask if I was a boy or a girl, even if I was wearing very girl specific clothing. I over compensated for this once I was a teen by being overly girly, and even a bit promiscuous. I knew all along that I was a girl and it made me so sad that my peers could not tell… I can only imagine the long term effects on this boy.
I think you are correct that in their attempt to allow him to grow into his own identity without societal influence, they are more likely to have caused confusion. Or even shame. I can only imagine how he must have felt having to keep his gender a secret. I would wonder why I couldn’t tell people. Is there something wrong with being a boy? Is there something wrong with me? Should I be ashamed?
However, I can’t help but think of Shiloh Jolie-Pitt. Her parents let her wear what she wants, cut her hair how she wants, play with what she wants. And everytime she shows up in a photo with her short hair and camo pants, people make comments about how they’re trying to turn her into a boy, or even how this could cause gender confusion. And the worst comments are directed at her gender identity, wondering if she’s transgendered. When all they’re doing is letting her make her own choices!
Maybe these parents were trying to allow their child the freedom to decide for himself, while sparing him public judgment, but went a little too far in the other direction?
The article I read regarding this, stated that the parents didn’t allow their child to wear anything “hyper-masculine” because they didn’t want him to think that he HAD to wear it because it was “boyish” , but further in the article they stated that they let him choose what he wants to wear and his favorite piece is a sparkly pink bathing suit. Ummmm??? I’m no expert, but I would say that a sparkly pink bathing suit would be “hyper-feminine” no???
I can certainly understand worrying that your child will conform to social norms simply for the reason that it is expected of them, but I can’t understand why they would try to sway him to be feminine. Isn’t that completely contradictory of what they claim they are trying to do?
In my opinion, they are just making his life harder than it has to be.
I think this couple is using their child as a social experiment, and that’s a shame.
Oh, thank you thank you thank you for writing this post. I mentioned this on FB a while back, I was so shocked and outraged and my heart was broken for this little boy, but I couldn’t put it as eloquently as you did. It’s one thing to be gender neutral, and another awful thing entirely to deny the human body all together. I hope he’s ok.
You’re applying your own social experience to this family, which is unavoidable to an extent, but a lot of this article sounds pretty closed-minded and hyper-judgmental. The idea that gender is an “integral” part of one’s identity is exactly what these people are trying to fight against.
Parenting IS a social experiment; most people conform to societal ideals and norms, but that’s their choice for their child. To call it abuse or imply neglect is a bit unfair, and it shows the kind of prejudice that the parents are trying to battle.
I am going to be blasted for setting the female gender back 200 years with one comment, but here it goes…
I make a mean chocolate cake and fried chicken. I am a girl. I know it. I have embraced “girl” things as has my daughter. And I have two rough and tumble boys who love baseball, football, cars, guns, fishing… and I don’t mind that either.
What is so wrong with gender roles? I am a girl. A stay at home mom. I do girly and mom-ish things. I don’t kill my own spiders or take out my own trash. I don’t walk in the rain at night to get the car or drive on long trips. I wear make up, high heels, and lace on my panties… sometimes.
I am not teaching my girl to settle because she is a girl, and I am not teaching my boys to oppress women. But we are what we are and whatever that means to any of us is OK with me.
Lori – You hit the nail on the head!!
LOVE this. I love being girly, dressing up, experimenting with makeup…all of it. For me, there’s nothing wrong with this gender role. My son loves cars, climbing onto and jumping off of things, and getting dirty outside. We didn’t push him to be that way. We just let him to whatever he loves doing (within reason and safety boundaries, of course).
Again, LOVE this.
This also strikes a chord with me — mostly because I never really believed in gender stereotypes until I had a boy, and then a girl. We don’t have a TV; we both work so we don’t play very gendered role models for our kids. And yet somehow my son, before age two, was fascinated by trucks and never once held a special lovey or blanket. My daughter, age nine months (before any kind of daycare or media exposure, with only her brother as an example) picked up a cosmetics kit my husband brought home from travelling and carried it with her *everywhere* for weeks. Despite my not trying either way to influence the gender expression of my children, they *chose* for themselves, from a very early age, their interests, and they happen to be very stereotypical. Right now my son is six, and has been obsessed with superheroes for two years; my daughter is two and carries around her babies and her pretend diaper bag and likes her sparkly shoes.
My inner feminist at first debated over buying her those things, but then I realized that if I was ok buying my son trucks and comics, then I should buy my daughter what she wants as well.
Which is all to say: I’m all for kids and people in general expressing their gender however they darn well please. But it’s for the *kid* (or the adult!) to decide, not the parents.
And as for “society” deciding … well, I don’t think you can avoid that, no matter what you do, no matter how “gender-neutral” you try to raise your child. If they go out into the world, they will be influenced by (and, of course, judged by) society. I suppose the only thing to do is to teach them that it’s more important to be themselves, no matter who that happens to be. Easier said than done. And for the record, I don’t think this couple did it right.
Love. This. So well said.
You know, I was blown away by the intense love that my little boy had, almost from birth on, for cars, trucks, sports equipment of any kind, and trains. We’ve encouraged it, because he likes it. I’ve also bought him the stuffed animals he’s asked for (he has quite a collection) and he still sleeps with his blanket. But it shocked me that he was such a “little boy”, almost immediately, because I had no intention of forcing anything like that on him.
My son is the EXACT same way. I was absolutely blown away by what a little BOY he is from an incredibly early age. I don’t think I’ve ever met a parent with one of each sex who doesn’t say the two are just SO different in such obvious ways, without any kind of behavior or mannerisms, etc, being “forced” on them.
The idea this family is encouraging their child to choose his own identity is laughable. To limit exposure and dress choices as they are, they aren’t allowing him a full range to choose from. I am sure similar can be said of most parents, especially those who purchase the clothes and toys for their kids, however they won’t allow certain dress because they don’t want their child to think he HAS to wear it or like it? What if he WANTS to wear the hyper-masculine clothes? It is a definite possibility.
They are going beyond the normal social experimentation of child raising. They are trying to prove a point to the world, trying to shame the world for past pigeon-holing of gender specifics, but using their child to do so.
Sure Angie and Brad may get criticised for Shiloh’s choices, but the criticism is aimed at the parents. Regardless of what the outside world thinks, Shiloh is truly encouraged to wear and play what she wants. This boy is actively pushed in the direction of non-conformism (not sure that is a word) without consideration that he may actually choose a gender specific role given free reign.
I have not come to a decision about how I feel with regard to these parents’ approach at raising their child. In a way, I think it is a bit unfair to quote articles that have a clear opinion of their practices and use words such as “banned”, etc. If the parent’s do not tell him he is “banned,” then that is pretty strong language to be using. It reminds me of the articles discussing Sweden’s Egalia as “confusing” when adults looking at it never experienced the program as children. It’s confusing to some adults, I’ll admit, but having known an individual that did some graduate school studying their curriculum and school culture, it does not appear all that confusing for the children.
However, I think something interesting that popped out for me in this article was the distinction by the author that there are TWO different sexes and bordering on the edge of just stating only two different genders exist as well. This ignores the thousands of individuals on this planet that are in fact “intersex” and those individuals who, in their identity, have never fully identified with either of the socially determined genders. Sure there are those “boy’s boys” and “girly girls” that identify very strongly with the social characterizations of each defined gender, but there is plenty of evidence to support viewing gender as a spectrum. The more we are coming to understand biology and how sex is manifested in humans and the greater world, this biological pre-determination becomes a bit more muddled, too. The more I come to meet and really get to know various people, the more I have to entertain that one major flaw in thinking is to suggest that only she and he exist and there is no middle ground.
Yes, I also read above multiple places where it is just so confusing how the parents justify the parenting decisions they make about what Sasha can do, wear, play with, etc., and I’d like to point out that there is not a handbook for gender-neutral parenting and that these parents have probably had to have long and critical decision-making sessions about what is appropriate. And I would like to point out that due to the physicality of Barbies and G.I. Joe’s, they directly attribute certain characteristics to each sex that we associate with gender. For example, the glitzy dresses, Barbie Dream House, and long hair identified as feminine go with the big breasts, tiny waist, and shapely legs of the female, while G.I. Joe’s army fatigues, weapon, and jeep go with the muscly man arms and ruggedly chiseled abs. In that way, I think you’ll have a difficult time making them gender-neutral unless you either drastically change their body shapes or hand-sew your own baggy, shapeless outfits so that Barbie’s glitzy dresses fit Joe, and his army fatigues just as well fit Barbie. Just a thought.
Excellent column. I have not followed this story closely, although I was aware of it (obviously, as I have FB and don’t live under a rock), and I totally agree with everything you said here and everything I have read in the comments. While I certainly do not think that we need to raise a generation of women who believe their only place is in the kitchen and a generation of men who believe their only place is on the couch being served by those women, I also do not think that to pretend that the differences do not exist is silly. Quite frankly, you only have to be watching this season of Survivor to see that. Women are different than men. Period. And honestly, at the end of the day, that is a good thing and should be celebrated.
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