A letter to my Curvy Sisters,
I am a soon-to-be 36 year old woman. I have been seeing a guy for a little over a year now. When I first started seeing him, he had just ended a 17-year relationship. He told me he wasn’t looking for a serious relationship.
We have a great time when we’re together, and we really enjoy each other’s company. The sex is fantastic.
The problem is, we’ll see each other for a couple of days, and then he’ll go a few days without calling or contacting me at all. What does this mean? I don’t think he is seeing someone else, but shouldn’t he at least tell me if he is, out of respect for me? How long should I give him before I demand a commitment?
Three words come to mind here: Milk. Cow. Free.
You are the cliche, my dear.
I know that’s not what you want to hear, and it’s not what I want to tell you, but it’s the truth. This guy told you from the get-go that he didn’t want a serious relationship with you. It sounds like you still expect him to “check in” with you, which is, I suspect, exactly what he was trying to avoid. He doesn’t want to answer to you. If he did, he would call you his girlfriend or, better yet, his wife.
As for whether or not he should tell you he’s sleeping with someone else; well, in a perfect world, yes, I suppose he should. But does it make him a bad guy if he doesn’t? No. It’s your fault for expecting it in the first place after he already told you he doesn’t want the commitment. He’s not your boyfriend, so technically he doesn’t have to tell you anything.
It sounds like you have some expectations for him that he is not meeting. But, again, he doesn’t have to because he’s NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND.
The real issue here is not whether or not this guy will ever commit or how long you should wait. The issue is that you’re waiting around for him to decide whether or not he will finally commit to you.
My guess is he won’t, because he doesn’t value you. How could he when you don’t even value yourself? You’re making him a priority while allowing yourself to be his option.
Look, we’ve all been there. But the truth is, most of us go through it in our 20′s. You’re 36 and still going through it. Why haven’t you learned to value yourself by now?
My suggestion to you is that you look deep within yourself and figure out why you’re allowing yourself to be in this position. It has nothing to do with your looks or personality, and everything to do with how you view yourself. Maybe even consider a therapist to help get you on the road to that place.
It also sounds like you need to end this relationship before you get any more deeply involved. Maybe, just maybe, this guy will come around after you’re gone and realize your worth. But if you stick around, he never will, and you’ll wake up one, two, or five years from now in the same place you are now. He will have moved on, and you will be on to the next guy who isn’t looking for anything “serious.” They never are. It’s up to us to prove them wrong.
But you’ll never do it by giving away the milk for free.
Want some Tough Love advice from our resident, cut the BS, keep it real, Curvy Girl Guide expert, Kelli? Email us at firstname.lastname@example.org, and your question could be featured!