When you first start telling people you are pregnant they shower you with stories about just how wonderful an experience it is. And it is. For the most part.
But there is a side to pregnancy that nobody ever seems to mention. Things that happen to you that you don’t really expect because no one tell you about them. Have no fear my friends, I’m going to tell you right now about some of the little things that everyone keeps to themselves and fails to mentioned when congratulating you on your bun in the oven.
The Oil Slick That Is Your Face: You know how people say “You’re glowing!?” I’ve come to the conclusion that is just a nice way of saying, “Wow, your skin is so oily!” Hormones and the like seem to get really confused when you are making a human and decide that, hey, now would be a great time to have your skin break out. This is not puberty Mother Nature, I’d thank you kindly to keep the zits to yourself.
Forget Comfortable Sleep: This may not be true for everybody, but for those who are stomach sleepers it will be pure misery. No more stomach sleeping. As a matter of fact, you are only supposed to sleep in two positions while you are pregnant—on your back or on your left side. I hate them both. Every night I long to sleep on my stomach in this bizarre sort of Figure Four position, but no, I have to suffer through the torture that is trying to get comfortable in a foreign position.
You Will Crave All the Things You Can’t Have: Sushi, soft cheeses, deli meat. You aren’t supposed to eat any of them while you are pregnant, but you will want them. Badly. However, there are ways around the siren call of forbidden foods. Sushi—just don’t eat the stuff with raw fish. Soft cheeses—as long as they are pasteurized you are okay. Deli meat—heat it up to 160° and chow down.
Buy Panty Liners: You will leak stuff. A lot. Trust me when I say a panty liner in the undies is a blessing to a pregnant woman. Not only will you randomly leak fluids throughout the nine months of gestation, there may also be times when you sneeze and pee a little. Having that panty liner there will save you from having to carry an extra pair of underwear in your purse.
Pooping Will Hurt: Hello constipation. It’s like some joke Mother Nature is playing on you—one end leaks and the other is holding everything in like it is a gold turd you would be depositing in the toilet. But it’s not. Instead it is like tar and it will take every ounce of effort on your part to get it out. And as a reward? You will get the next item on the list as a parting gift.
You Get Hemorrhoids: All that pushing leaves you with this lovely anal anomaly. Invest in some hemorrhoid pads and enjoy that icy cool feeling on your ass. You will probably need them after you give birth too so stock up.
Shit Happens: This is one thing I was completely shocked to find out when I was pregnant with my first child. It’s one of those things that I told my husband that if it happened to me we would NEVER talk about it. Maybe that’s why no one ever mentions it. And I imagine it happens often and the nurses are really discreet about the whole ordeal but still. How could nobody ever mention the fact that when you are giving birth sometimes you will poop right on the delivery table? Fortunately for me I ended up delivering my son via Cesarean section and I wasn’t left wondering if I delivered a second bundle on the table along with a healthy little boy.
So there they are—the things that we somehow forget about after our pregnancy is over. How else would we continue to procreate?
Holly teaches design at a small NW Ohio college. She spends her days off hanging out with her foxy musician husband and their gorgeous new baby and ridiculously smart pre-school aged son. Holly has a passion for food, photography, beautiful letter forms, and the possibilities that can be found in a single sheet of well made paper. You can read more from Holly on her blog, Artist Mother Teacher.