When you first start telling people you are pregnant they shower you with stories about just how wonderful an experience it is. And it is. For the most part.
But there is a side to pregnancy that nobody ever seems to mention. Things that happen to you that you don’t really expect because no one tell you about them. Have no fear my friends, I’m going to tell you right now about some of the little things that everyone keeps to themselves and fails to mentioned when congratulating you on your bun in the oven.
The Oil Slick That Is Your Face: You know how people say “You’re glowing!?” I’ve come to the conclusion that is just a nice way of saying, “Wow, your skin is so oily!” Hormones and the like seem to get really confused when you are making a human and decide that, hey, now would be a great time to have your skin break out. This is not puberty Mother Nature, I’d thank you kindly to keep the zits to yourself.
Forget Comfortable Sleep: This may not be true for everybody, but for those who are stomach sleepers it will be pure misery. No more stomach sleeping. As a matter of fact, you are only supposed to sleep in two positions while you are pregnant—on your back or on your left side. I hate them both. Every night I long to sleep on my stomach in this bizarre sort of Figure Four position, but no, I have to suffer through the torture that is trying to get comfortable in a foreign position.
You Will Crave All the Things You Can’t Have: Sushi, soft cheeses, deli meat. You aren’t supposed to eat any of them while you are pregnant, but you will want them. Badly. However, there are ways around the siren call of forbidden foods. Sushi—just don’t eat the stuff with raw fish. Soft cheeses—as long as they are pasteurized you are okay. Deli meat—heat it up to 160° and chow down.
Buy Panty Liners: You will leak stuff. A lot. Trust me when I say a panty liner in the undies is a blessing to a pregnant woman. Not only will you randomly leak fluids throughout the nine months of gestation, there may also be times when you sneeze and pee a little. Having that panty liner there will save you from having to carry an extra pair of underwear in your purse.
Pooping Will Hurt: Hello constipation. It’s like some joke Mother Nature is playing on you—one end leaks and the other is holding everything in like it is a gold turd you would be depositing in the toilet. But it’s not. Instead it is like tar and it will take every ounce of effort on your part to get it out. And as a reward? You will get the next item on the list as a parting gift.
You Get Hemorrhoids: All that pushing leaves you with this lovely anal anomaly. Invest in some hemorrhoid pads and enjoy that icy cool feeling on your ass. You will probably need them after you give birth too so stock up.
Shit Happens: This is one thing I was completely shocked to find out when I was pregnant with my first child. It’s one of those things that I told my husband that if it happened to me we would NEVER talk about it. Maybe that’s why no one ever mentions it. And I imagine it happens often and the nurses are really discreet about the whole ordeal but still. How could nobody ever mention the fact that when you are giving birth sometimes you will poop right on the delivery table? Fortunately for me I ended up delivering my son via Cesarean section and I wasn’t left wondering if I delivered a second bundle on the table along with a healthy little boy.
So there they are—the things that we somehow forget about after our pregnancy is over. How else would we continue to procreate?
Holly teaches design at a small NW Ohio college. She spends her days off hanging out with her foxy musician husband and their gorgeous new baby and ridiculously smart pre-school aged son. Holly has a passion for food, photography, beautiful letter forms, and the possibilities that can be found in a single sheet of well made paper. You can read more from Holly on her blog, Artist Mother Teacher.
In Belgium you get a supository to avoid poop-situations. Takes great care of the constipation too. And yes it as lovely as it sounds.
I want to move to Belgium.
See, this would’ve all been very useful back in October when I found out I was pregnant. Now I’m due next month and have already learned everything except the hemorrhoids and pooping during delivery the hard way.
Oh how I wish I could sleep on my back. It causes shortness of breath for me though, so right side or left side it is. Although, who am I kidding? I haven’t “slept” since month 4.
Also, pregnancy induced acne is the worst ever. Why can’t Proactiv or neutrogena come up with a pregnancy safe acne treatment?
The only other thing I was blissfully unaware of? Water retention – swelling. I honestly couldn’t walk yesterday for a few hours because my left foot swelled so badly from a combination of pregnancy issues I can’t control and heat. Awful.
I feel ya sister! Although, I have indulged in some sushi and cheeses this pregnancy…just a few bites here and there. I can’t wait to sleep on my stomach again!!!!!!!!!!!!! XOXO
Everyone poops, I’ve delivered many babies and everyone poops, just like it says in the book. Also: we used to use enemas here for this reason, but sometimes because of the pressure of the baby and your bodies need to torture you, you can’t release the fluid effectively. So now your pregnant, about to deliver and full of enema. Best to just poop with the baby.
After my kid was born, the nurse took her away to clean her up. From the other side of the room I heard her say “Oh baby, you just pooped all over me!” My response “like mother, like daughter.”
Pain meds make me lose my filter.
Hahaha.
OMG. I knew this stuff already – the “benefit” of being the only in the group of friends without kids – but yeow, your words just reinforced my “no kids ever” mentality. And if I ever move away from that stance, just tuck this post away into the netherlands, mmkay?
Forget we ever spoke of these things.
I never wanted brie and other soft cheeses as badly as when I was pregnant! I also went through a deli meat sandwich phase, around month 5.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
No one ever told me about episiotomies either….and I had a fourth degree! I was a little freaked out when I heard my Dr. tell the nurse, “and this here, is the rectal muscles.” Ummm….scuse me??
I had a friend mention the pooping, and I was like, “You what?!” I knew about the food because I worked in food safety. The other stuff…well…the kid is probably work it.
Totally worth it.
Oh, and now I am happy to be a back and side sleeper.
No one tells you about the horrible charlie horses/leg cramps you get! I used to wake up almost crying because they would hurt so bad, and it would happen more than once! I would wake up feeling my leg start to tense up, then it would go away and start right back up again. Those were the worst for me.
I didn’t get awesome pregnancy hair like people always talk about. Instead my hair was all frizzy and hard to style. I think it had to do with all the hair that *doesn’t* fall out when you’re pregnant. And don’t get me started on post-partum hair loss….
I sleep in the figure 4 position too!! Not pregnant, but I recently dislocated my kneecap and have been having to sleep on my back for the past month. It’s AWFUL!!!
Don’t forget carpal tunnel!! And sciatica!!
I got carpal tunnel both times. I kept telling my doctor, “but my hands are NUMB!” And he just looked at me like, “yeah… so?”
You forgot the gas. Why does no one warn you about the sewer tank stench that escapes from your back end when you’re casually walking down the frozen food aisle at the grocery store?
Or when you fall asleep on your friend’s couch cause you are so TIRED, and then let it all go and no one tells you! Except your wonderful boyfriend 0_o
thank you! husband just thinks I am a dirty trollop… I have IBS anyway and this hormonal crap just makes it worse… he’s convinced it’s an excuse!
I was told this after baby #3: “You’re breastfeeding so your ovaries have pretty well turned off. For all intents and purposes you’re menopausal.” grrrrrrrrrrreat….
In my BC (before children) period, I slept on my stomach. Having my babies changed my body such that I could no longer sleep on my stomach. Never again to enjoy that position.
I both pooped and peed when I was giving birth. Add to that vomiting. The nausea was horrible.
I craved a mixture of salty and sweet. I used to eat peanut M&Ms and Pringles Cheese-Ums together. I would put a Pringle in my mouth and crush it, then put an M&M in my mouth and chew them up together. I still like that taste, to this day (my youngest is 19).
In general, I really enjoyed being pregnant. I had “textbook” pregnancies. Being with child agreed with me and I had minimal problems.
Even with all the symptoms I experienced I really enjoyed being pregnant. Especially when I was in the 3rd trimester and my stomach was hard as a rock. I felt beautiful.
I’ve got a nice bump going now and am past the puking stage so I’m getting back into that phase.
Awwww… Congratulations!
I always joked when I was pregnant that that’s the only time I had a hard stomach! It definitely isn’t happening now on account of the two kids I grew in there that stretched it all out and made it flabby.
So, so true! And I also wish that I would of been told that morning sickness is actually, Anytime, anywhere, anyplace sickness! I was blessed with little to no Morning sickness with my first, but my 2nd, man, I am surprised I actually gained 30 lbs, seeing as I was puking almost 1/2 my pregnancy!
I just found out I’m having our 3rd, and it looks like the curse is back, boo! But, I always say the end result is well worth all the puking, peeing, and embarassing pooping while giving birth, ( which I did with my 2nd and my Mom and Hubby had to tell everyone, lol), because holding that little baby for the first time is the best : )
Oh yes…all day sickness. For weeks and weeks.
As a Registered Nurse…
Sleeping on your back while pregnant is NOT recommended, especially after the first trimester, unless you have a pillow under your left hip to keep your body tilted; sleeping flat on your back compresses the abdominal aorta blood vessel that delivers blood to the uterus and the developing baby, and will deprive your baby of oxygen.
Wait…so you’re saying we should only sleep on the left side?!?
You can sleep on either side, though if you can tolerate it, sleeping on your left side lets the most blood get to the baby. Just avoid sleeping flat on your back without being tilted to one side a bit, so that you don’t deprive your baby of blood flow by having his or her weight straight down on top of the abdominal aorta compressing it.
http://www.americanpregnancy.org/pregnancyhealth/sleepingpositions.html
FFS!
Add to these memory loss and heartburn, oh the horrible heartburn I had with my 2nd. I carried Pepto with me everywhere in my purse as it was the only thing that worked. Also the memory loss never really fades
I forgot about the memory loss. Which I guess is appropriate. Pregnancy brain and all.
I was going to ask about the back sleeping as well cause everything I’ve read says no stomach or back sleeping after week 16. I’m in week 18 with baby #3 and its not comfortable on my back. I thought right side was okay, but left side was better.
My OB had told me left side or back if I needed to. But that was early in my first trimester. I suppose now that I’ve hit the 21 week mark I’ll have to inquire about the proper sleeping position.
How about the charley horse cramps in your legs when you stretch in the middle of the night? Those things hurt like a bitch! My husband thought I was in labor one night because I yelled so loud and had the nerve to be disgruntled when it turned out o be “just a cramp.” Just a cramp my fat pregnant ass! You could see the cramped muscle in my poor leg!
And don’t even get me started on the break-outs. I’m still bitter.
sushi without raw eel on top is just not sushi. i want it SO bad… but i will wait. its a tradition in our family for my bro-in -law to bring my favorite rolls when we get home from the hospital. that first bite of sushi after 10 long months is amazing.
as for the sleeping, i too, am a stomach sleeper. at 20 weeks, and relatively little weight gain (too much puking)… i have rigged up a nice system that makes me FEEL like im on my stomach. its more to the side, but my belly is being support and tilted by a pillow or squashed up blanket. its just enough to drift off to dream land, before my pregnant body naturally rolls to its side. it wont work for much longer, but it helps me get used to the dreaded side sleeping.
true, true, true – 100 times true!!! I was so worried about pooping but I ended up having a C-section as well. The doctor should hand you this list the minute you find out you’re preggers!
Oh the charley horses, I swear it would be better to just rip that muscle out of your leg than have those all night. And when they say you will be “sensitive” to certain odors, they are barely touching on the topic. For all 3 of my kids I couldn’t stand the smell of mint (thank goodness for cinnamon toothpaste) and the strangest of all, the smell of the cold air in the refrigerator. Not any food smells in there, the smell of the air. I was instantly sick. I don’t miss that.
yeah, i pooped the first time i pushed and the nurse just discreetly cleaned it up and didn’t say a thing. that was the least awful part of the labor/delivery! no worries people!
and hey, what about varicose veins?
oh, anyone else have to take iron supplements for anemia during pregnancy? side effect: extremely hard poops that clog the toilet EVERY SINGLE TIME.
but, for the pro column, can i get an amen for really intense orgasms during pregnancy?
No one told me your clitoris could tear…until I heard the doctor say “Just a minor tear to your clitoris here”. My response? “OH MAN I LOVED THAT THING!”. Pain meds are a bitch lol
Laughed when I saw this but also dies a bit too….. perfect timing as I have just started a blog about pregnancy being shit.
I’m going to go back and read all the comments now x
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