The scariest show on television is not Lost, Intervention, True Blood, or even Keeping Up With the Kardashians.
Oh no, it’s I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant.
THIS SHOW FREAKS ME OUT!
Take yesterday, for example, I literally had to run to the bathroom. My stomach hurt so bad. I am running and thinking, don’t poop your pants, don’t poop your pants, don’t poop your pants…
I get to the toilet and… NOTHING! Nothing happens. So, I sit there, and I push, and I push and I push! The next thing I know, something that could be as big as a baby comes out of me and lands in the toilet.
OMG! Did I just give birth?!
I stand up and peer in the toilet with a sigh of relief. No baby in that cold toilet bowl. Whew! Saved again!
Sometimes, I will be looking in the mirror at my post-three-babies-later-body, and think, Even in Spanx you still look four months pregnant. Even in Spanx with a pantie girdle underneath, you still look three months pregnant. Do my nipples hurt?
And then I will start squeezing my nipples to see if the pain I am feeling is regular pain or some other type of pain that comes with milk formation. After squeezing these things like my life depends on it, the tiniest bit of clearish-white fluid will come out of my nipples, and once again, I am convinced I am pregnant.
So, I take myself to Costco and purchase a jumbo pack of pregnancy tests. I mean, you never can be too sure, can you? I pee on test after negative test, only to find out that I am actually not pregnant. I just thought I was pregnant because of this damn TV show!
Well, maybe I can’t blame it ALL on the TV show. I also blame my husband. He refuses to have his sperm tested following his vasectomy. Which is just ridiculous!
Let me be very clear about this, if we have anymore children, I will give one away like a puppy. I can barely handle the spawn that I have now. Hence the vasectomy.
I mean, really, just because he claims that it feels like a firecracker exploded in his left ball, does that justify him not going back to get it tested?
I say, NO!
MY VAGINA WAS RIPPED TO PIECES ON THREE DIFFERENT OCCASIONS! So the fact that his ball exploded exactly one time, means nothing to me. Nothing!
So, until he decides to take the plunge and get his tests run, I guess I will peer into the toilet with bated breath, just praying that my poop is not actually a baby… BECAUSE OMG HOW WOULD I CUT THE CORD?!
I mean, we didn’t pay a $3,000 insurance deductible to keep using the pull out method.
Yes!
Last year, I was taking one of those extended, low-dose birth controls that all but completely took away my period most months. Well, every thirty days or so I would have the same major freak out moment. “How do I know that I’m not pregnant? How do I know? HOW????!!!!????!!!” I can’t tell you how many home pregnancy tests I went through trying to verify my lack of pregnancy status.
That is, before I finally asked my doctor to switch my prescription. As much as the thought of no monthly period sounded like a dream, for that year, it drove me entirely mad!
Yes! I should buy stock in tests. I have a regular period. AND I STILL FREAK OUT!
Agreed. We have gone through a vasectomy and I STILL have a closet full of tests.
Sometimes I pee on them to reminisce, others it’s because I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT.
While *I* never have this fear, I still find the show incredulous. Like, ok really, YOU REALLY DIDN’T KNOW?
I KNOW! I was as big as a house EVERY SINGLE TIME!
Your husband needs to man up! Tell him the internet says so.
His phone number is 555-555-1234. Please call him NOW!
Ok, in his defense, we haven’t done the tests yet either, they are SCARY.
A friend of mine actually had this happen to her. She had her daughter in May 09 and was completely surprised. She’s always been irregular with her periods, didn’t feel ill or tired throughout the pregnancy, and was losing weight. She was lucky and her daughter is healthy and gorgeous. I thought that show was a crock for the longest time.
Send pictures to mrscallmecrazy@gmail.com. I must see this to believe this. Not that I am doubting you, just that I need to know in my brain how this works.
Did she know prior to labor or not, that is INSANE!?
I find the show unbelieveable to; however, my dad (doctor) sees people in the emergency room once in awhile who come in with stomach pain and walk out with a baby…
THAT IS INSANE!
OMG, what a great blog! Thank you so much for the laugh today. Keep up the good writing!!!
Awww… THANKS!
If not for your writing this topic could be very cnovuolted and oblique.
7DDZAX vzojyhkamslw
I say NO MORE OF THE SEX until after he gets his junk checked. I’ve heard of WAY too many stories of people getting pregnant after a vasectomy because the man didn’t get his junk checked.
I am too horny for that.
Does your husband know he gets a free pass for porn and jerking off? That’s all the test needs. It’s not like they’re going to go in there with a hook and some fishing wire for God’s sake.
As for that show – I just can’t watch it. Good luck with your poop.
He gets that at home. I only give it up on Saturday’s. He is on his own the rest of the week.
My sister was a vasectomy baby, Mom says miracle I say accident.
Um…..THIS JUST FREAKED ME OUT OMG.
my cousin got pregnant AFTER her husband had a vasectomy, she was 4 months when she took a test..even though she was having symptoms but thought..’umm, my husband had a vastectomy, he’s been checked after wards. i can NOT be pregnant’
another friend also got pregnant after her hubby had a vasectomy….
those were not done by the same doctor either.
so yea tell that hubby of yours to get checked.
also…that show is just crazy. i sometimes watch just to laugh at the ‘dramatization’ of the events..it’s pretty hilarious.
…
(This is scaring me.)
Too. Funny. In a weirdish, ‘does she know poop and babies don’t come out of the same hole’ kind of way?
HAHAH!
I will say though, being sans epidurals for my kids, it DID kinda feel like a BM when it was time to push.
Wait? There is more than one hole down there?
Actually, both my mom AND my aunt had babies after getting their falopian tubes all cut and cauterized, they must have regeneration super powers XD so, the female version of the vasectomy baby is also possible.
Wow, such invasive surgery and they still got pregnant!?
I would SUE!
I’m pretty sure that this is the absolute best blog post I’ve ever read. EVER. I’m 9 months pregnant and every time I go to the bathroom I think I’ve given birth but then realize that my stomach is still huge and not contracting before I have to gaze into the toilet to find out whether or not there is something *else* there. That show freaks me out too.
Can’t you collect some of your husband’s semen from your vag and take it in to the doctor? Just wonderin’.
YOU ARE BRILLIANT! I think I should get him drunk, whack him off, and collect the sperm. Then I will get in my car, drive really fast, and take it to the doctor.
OH, and here is the best part… the doctor’s name is Richard Tapper. DICK TAPPER! I am not even making this up.
Dick Tapper??? Oh sweet Jesus, THAT is hilarious.
Your doctor is Dick Tapper, MD?
HOW DOES HE NOT HAVE A REALITY SHOW!?!?!?
Dick Tapper! That’s the best name I’ve ever heard. EVER.
I didn’t think there was anything funnier than the chiropractor in my city named Dr. B.J. Hardick but that’s damn close!
http://www.hardickchiropractic.com/index.php/about-us/our-team.html
Jesus! I laughed so hard at this post I almost pooped-slash-thought-I-was-having-a-baby! LOL!
For real… hilarious!
Thanks! AND OMG WHY DIDN’T I CALL MYSELF “lady-like Pervert”? Best name ever!
that show is whacked! i got pregnant three times on bc and once after the mate had a vesectomy which is why I git fixed (only one way to be sure) but i still knew by 4 months! so i get him tested by any means neceassary! lol
When I was 13 I got my first period. No one told me that I might not get it regularly at first. So I was pretty much convinced that I was the reborn again Virgin Mary and panicked for 2 months wondering how I was going to explain this to my mother!
I still have issues clearly and I am so glad to learn that I am not the only one who uses the nipple pinch as a pregnancy test. I also have freaked out over a stop n’ start period and anytime I smell anything that makes me queasy. As in: I just gagged over these rotten leftovers while cleaning out the fridge! Could I be pregnant?
My sil’s best friend didn’t know she was pregnant until she got to the hospital, in labor. She thought she had appendicitis, and this was her second child. She was already a larger girl before she got pregnant, and carried weight mostly in her stomach, so I guess I can see how she might not have noticed a slight weight gain, but I have no idea how you wouldn’t feel a baby kicking, or at least notice SOMETHING. She swears she had no idea though.
Doctor story time: I’ve had several, like more than 10, who thought they were going into menopause, but no you’re preggers! The last one was 46! Snip, clip, cauterize or pill, if you’re still bleeding, you could still get pregnant!
Lol my ex’s sister had that happen. She was overweight to the point she didn’t have periods, and when she started a diet, I guess her husband thought she looked damn fine one day! She stopped losing weight, but didn’t gain anything noticeable, and she didn’t realize her lack of period was no longer due to hormones until one day, “something went BUMP” and she rushed off to the ER. Six months pregnant, and no clue.
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