The scariest show on television is not Lost, Intervention, True Blood, or even Keeping Up With the Kardashians.
Oh no, it’s I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant.
THIS SHOW FREAKS ME OUT!
Take yesterday, for example, I literally had to run to the bathroom. My stomach hurt so bad. I am running and thinking, don’t poop your pants, don’t poop your pants, don’t poop your pants…
I get to the toilet and… NOTHING! Nothing happens. So, I sit there, and I push, and I push and I push! The next thing I know, something that could be as big as a baby comes out of me and lands in the toilet.
OMG! Did I just give birth?!
I stand up and peer in the toilet with a sigh of relief. No baby in that cold toilet bowl. Whew! Saved again!
Sometimes, I will be looking in the mirror at my post-three-babies-later-body, and think, Even in Spanx you still look four months pregnant. Even in Spanx with a pantie girdle underneath, you still look three months pregnant. Do my nipples hurt?
And then I will start squeezing my nipples to see if the pain I am feeling is regular pain or some other type of pain that comes with milk formation. After squeezing these things like my life depends on it, the tiniest bit of clearish-white fluid will come out of my nipples, and once again, I am convinced I am pregnant.
So, I take myself to Costco and purchase a jumbo pack of pregnancy tests. I mean, you never can be too sure, can you? I pee on test after negative test, only to find out that I am actually not pregnant. I just thought I was pregnant because of this damn TV show!
Well, maybe I can’t blame it ALL on the TV show. I also blame my husband. He refuses to have his sperm tested following his vasectomy. Which is just ridiculous!
Let me be very clear about this, if we have anymore children, I will give one away like a puppy. I can barely handle the spawn that I have now. Hence the vasectomy.
I mean, really, just because he claims that it feels like a firecracker exploded in his left ball, does that justify him not going back to get it tested?
I say, NO!
MY VAGINA WAS RIPPED TO PIECES ON THREE DIFFERENT OCCASIONS! So the fact that his ball exploded exactly one time, means nothing to me. Nothing!
So, until he decides to take the plunge and get his tests run, I guess I will peer into the toilet with bated breath, just praying that my poop is not actually a baby… BECAUSE OMG HOW WOULD I CUT THE CORD?!
I mean, we didn’t pay a $3,000 insurance deductible to keep using the pull out method.