In today’s society, not having children makes me a rare breed. It’s uncommon to meet someone who doesn’t have kids. With TV shows like, “Teen Mom” and “16 and Pregnant,” it’s expected that every female be a mother by the time they hit adulthood. Every day on Facebook I see pictures of former classmates my age parading around their offspring. Once a month I see a status update announcing a pregnancy or birth. It’s like the entire world is mocking me because my uterus is, and always has been, unoccupied.
That’s right. I am 23 years old and have never been pregnant. According to the statistics most recently released in 2010, the average age for a first time mother has risen from 21.4 in 1970 to 25.2 in 2009. That means it is still perfectly acceptable for me to be childless at twenty three…theoretically of course. However, many people expect me to reproduce within the next year and a half. Any time I feel sick at work, my female co-workers ask me if I’m pregnant. I recently started dating a wonderful guy in his late twenties, so people immediately started asking things like, “Do I see babies in your near future?,” “When are you gonna pop out some youngins?” and “Why don’t you have kids yet?”
All my family had children young. My mother had two kids by the time she was 23. One aunt was pregnant by 19 and one by 25. My cousin got pregnant at 14 and had a baby at 15. My aunts coddle and gush over their grandchildren every chance they get, and this makes my mother jealous. Why? Because she wants grandbabies of her own, and has expressed this to me on many occasions. Recently, she announced, in the middle of a crowded Walmart of all places, “You know I would like grandchildren one day.” Thanks mom. Way to make me feel inferior. I’ve tried to tell her that it’s perfectly okay to not have grandchildren by the time you are 45, but she’s having none of that.
Other girls my age who have had children tell me I’m lucky. They tell me it’s great that I can do whatever I want without having to worry about children at home. They envy me for being able to decide to go out drinking with my boyfriend on a whim, and I envy them for having the chance to make an important difference in someone’s life. I resent them for having snuggly little babies, sweet toddlers and their eventual ability to boast about their kid’s accomplishments.
Of course I do see the bright side. I only have to worry about me. I don’t have to concern myself with making sure my child is eating adequately nutritious meals, so I can run through the drive through at 10pm for dinner if I want. I can leave cleaning supplies in a cabinet without a lock. If I get sick I can lay in the bed feeling sorry for myself without a hazmat suit so the kids don’t catch it. I can curse out loud and don’t have to share my candy. I don’t have to clean up vomit that isn’t mine, change diapers or wipe snotty noses. The smell of baby food makes me gag, and since I don’t eat it myself, I don’t have to deal with it. The money I make isn’t spent on diapers or formula or breast pumps or cribs. It’s all mine. The best part about not having children? I can sleep whenever I want.
Even with all the positives of not having children at a young age, I still have a terminal case of baby fever. Every page I Stumble on, every blog I read, every Facebook picture that is posted that pertains to a baby or a child someone has conceived or given birth to, makes me pine for a family of my own. I can’t wait to have a little boy to protect his little sister from other boys when they get to high school. I can’t wait to have someone to boss around.
I have mixed emotions when it comes to having children. I want them right away because I am still young and want to have as much energy as possible while they are growing up, but I also don’t want to ruin them because I’m too young to know what the hell I am doing. Maybe I just want a baby because they are cute and snuggly. Maybe I just want someone who has to love me no matter what.
Is it normal to feel pressured to have children even if you aren’t sure if you’re quite ready? Is it normal at such a young age?
Curvy Girl Contributor, Crystal Marino, thinks she’s a lot funnier than she actually is…she even calls herself Jason Bateman’s female counterpart. When she isn’t sleeping or sweating like a pig while working in a convenience store, you can find her at her blog, Spaghettios and Vicodin, and on twitter. She also spends multiple hours a week taking pictures of herself in her bathroom from flattering angles.
Great article. You are way too young to be worried about children. As you know, they can, and are, a pain in the butt, but so worth it when you are ready. My sister is 51 and has a 14 year old. This, I do not recommend. I mean, really, you don’t have as much energy at 51 as you did when you were, say, 30. And living with, as well as carting around, a moody 14 year-old girl is no fun. At 51, your patience is just shot. I say, you have plenty of time. .Up until your mid 30′s. Have fun, live large…You also have an aunt, Danyel, who had her first child at 15. Your mother was married and you weren’t “have to” babies, so there is a bit of a difference there. Teenagers with children are babies having babies; doesn’t mean someone doesn’t love the child, but it’s certainly not the ideal.
Totally normal (I think). I’m 23 and feel the same way too (I’m just not sure how normal I am in general lol). I see classmates with kids, my cousins have started having kids, and my dad likes to tell his friends with grandkids how much he wants one while giving me a side glance. That last one is where I feel most of the pressure. I’ve got two older brothers (6 & 7 years older) and one just got married. He has said that he and his wife would like to have kids in a year or two but my dad likes to give me the sideways glances. Whatever. I want kids someday but I am in no position to have them anytime soon. So for now my dad has to be satisfied with his grand puppy and leave it at that. One day I’ll be ready and have kids but I’m guessing that I’ll get some good practice/learning experience from some nieces and nephews first.
Totally normal to feel the way you’re feeling. I got married at 23 – to my high school sweetheart – and since we were together 7 years already everyone expected us to have kids right away. All I heard for a really long time is “when are you having kids?” I’m amazed that people can ask such personal questions. And once you have one, they still ask when you are having more! I had my first child at 27 and now at 33 am expecting my second child. I think it was perfect because I had some time in my adult life to do what I wanted to do before I had children. I think you have plenty of time, it is far easier to have children when you’re “settled” (place to live, stable relationship, education/job, etc) than to rush into it.
I get asked all the time when I’m going to be having babies and, for me, that is a loaded question. I’m 21 and I’m married to a 34 year old man with two kids of his own. So, first of all, I already have 2 babies, my stepsons, but people don’t see it that way. We have them every other weekend and holidays and they are, for all intents and purposes, my kids.
Secondly, I want kids. I desperately want children (definitely plural). I absolutely want to carry a baby to full term and to snuggle that child and be stern with him/her and be a part of shaping that person. Many people I went to high school with have already made that decision and are raising their family or have decided against children. The problem is that I might not be able to even get pregnant, much less carry a baby to term.
The pressure is normal and baby fever is inevitable. I mean, it wasn’t that long ago that girls got married at 15 and it wasn’t long before that when girls were married more around 13. However, a lot of people don’t consider that being childless might not even be a choice and it’s hurtful at times. Just another POV – great article!
I bet you’re going to generate a lot of discussion with this topic.
You should have children when *you* are ready to have children. Ideally, this is when you are in a committed relationship so you can have the support of a second person. Ideally it is also when you are able to financially afford more than say, Ramen noodles and Diet Coke. And ideally, it is when you are mentally ready to understand that you are not having a “mini-me,” you are creating a separate human being who, if you do everything right, will be an independent creature with her/his own thoughts, feelings, agendas and life — and want to separate from you in approximately 16-18 years.
Few situations are ideal. But you grew up without accidentally getting pregnant, and you are mature enough to even question whether you should have a child right now, which already makes you a good candidate. But among the not-good reasons for having a child are: “Mom wants a grandchild,” “my family gets pregnant young” (at 14! whoa) or “all my friends are doing it.” Remember, while having a child will expand your world and outlook, it is not something you do to follow the crowd or make yourself feel complete. You should feel you are a complete person whether you have a child or not — the child is the bonus. Using a child to complete your sense of self or self-worth puts a huge burden on them that is simply not good all around.
So, wait if you want. If you don’t want to wait, examine your real reasons — yours, not others — and then look around and decide if it really makes sense. And then, if you still think it’s a good idea, go for it. Meanwhile, volunteer with kids, take care of others’ children and get a real sense for what you’ll be in for.
Good luck!
Babies come when the time for them is right, whether we know it at the time or not. It’s simply not your time, and that’s perfectly reasonable. My group of friends is split about 50-50% on children, with some being in their mid-40s without having them. It’s simply about what is right for you.
When the time is right for you, you’ll know.
You’re TWENTY-THREE and BARELY in a relationship. This almost pisses me off as much as the girls on The Bachelor who are 22-25 and say things like, “I guess I’m just meant to be alone for the rest of my life” and, “When is it going to be MY turn?” when the guy “rejects” them and sends them home. My god! You have your ENTIRE life ahead of you! I know it feels like you’re old and whatnot, but take it from someone who is 38 (and, incidentally, had her child at 27) – you’ve only just begun.
First of all, when did it become acceptable for people to ask such personal questions??? Whether or not you are planning to having children and when that may or may not happen is an intensely personal thing, and the fact that people other than your own mother are asking says that there’s something wrong with THEM, not you. As soon as I was married perfect strangers started asking me when I was planning on having children. What makes it even more awkward is that I don’t want them. Not even a tiny bit. But as a woman, I’m expected to want children.
I say that if you, yourself, are happy as you are at this moment, (with or without child) tell everyone else to mind their own business and start finding reasons to enjoy where you’re at right now! And if you need someone to love–get a dog. They’re great!
Lots of pro advice-givers discuss the whole invasive “when are you going to have kids” question.
Many suggest that you simply change the subject, and if they persist, change it again. Most will get the message.
Another tactic is to simply say, “Thanks for asking!” And then change the subject.
Some go funny: “We had them last night. They were delicious!” And then change the subject.
For those thinking of asking, even kindly: Not your business. There are many reasons why some people don’t have children, and some of them are because they can’t. Don’t ask. Don’t hint. They’ll let you know when it becomes your business.
And also – this “young parent” thing – is this regional? I live in Texas and NO ONE I grew up with had children before they were 25. I was almost 27 when I had my son and I have one of the oldest kids of all the people I went to high school with (if you discount the 2-3 people who got pregnant in highschool). I NEVER got asked “when are you having kids”, and I’m pretty sure no one I know did either.
I know I’m being a little rude – but this just baffles me that someone would ask a single, early-twenties woman when she was planning on having kids. It just seems so YOUNG.
I was wondering if it’s a regional thing, too. Where I live (New York) it would be unheard of to ask a 23 year old girl when she is having kids. I’m 28 and it would be considered young if I had a baby. I am honestly a bit shocked that a 23 year old would have this type of pressure…it is just mind boggling. 23 is too young to be pressured about marriage, much less children. If that’s what you want to do, fantastic, do it. Just don’t worry, you literally have years before you need to stress about it.
Ditto on the regional point. I’m based in London and nobody here would ever stop to ask a 23 year old woman why she hasn’t had kids yet. Here, the average age for a woman to get married is around 30 and then most of them have children in their early 30s. I think it is much more common to have children in your 20s (or younger) if you live outside of the big towns in the UK.
Crystal, you’re only young once. Enjoy yourself now and have lots of fun! Travel. Drink too much. Sleep in on the weekends. You can never get your 20s back once they’re over. Children, equally, cannot be “undone” once you have had them. There’s still plenty of time for you to be a mama!
I would have never thought it was a regional thing, but you may be right. I live in Richmond, VA, not exactly a one-horse town. There were multiple girls who had babies before we left middle school…I can’t even count the number of people who already had kids or were pregnant in high school.
I grew up in a fairly small town in Texas, but maybe since it was a college town we all were assumed to have different aspirations than babies and marriage? I don’t know.
Why would people be pushing you to have a kid when you are single and 23? So weird.
I get the baby fever, though…I’m 31 and infertile. My hubby and I have been trying for years. If anything, I just wnat the money I spent on birth control (unknowingly) all of those years so I could pay for IVF!
Yes! When I read the beginning of the post, I assumed she was in her 40s. 23? And not married or even engaged? I was shocked! I had my first child at 28 which was early-average for my group of friends. (For the regional question, I live in Cincinnati, OH)
Any woman has the right to be annoyed when other people hassle her about her private life and personal decisions, but at 23 it is simply crazy that she is being pressured at all.
Live your life. Find the right partner. Take time to enjoy him. When the time is right and you are ready, have your children. They are a wonderful blessing, but you have plenty of time before you need to feel anxious.
I’d be curious to know where you grew up, where you are currently living, and if you come from a conservative religious background, because I find these three factors matter more than anything else in when people have children. I’m 28, my husband is almost 30, almost all of our friends are already 30, and only one of our 20+ people we consider to be in our close circle of friends has children. However, we were both born and raised in cities, both live in major metropolitan cities now, come from very relaxed Jewish families, and have demanding careers, as do pretty much all of our friends, so no one is interested in/pressuring us to have children anytime soon.
I think it’s normal to feel pressure at some point — we’ve been married almost 4 years and I know my MIL is getting impatient as my husband heads to 30 — but to feel pressure at such a young age is completely foreign to me. Move to a big city — around here, most people remain unmarried and focus on work through their entire 20s, and finally marry and have children when they hit their 30s. I got married a month before turning 25, and everyone was shocked and somewhat appalled that we chose to marry so young.
I grew up just outside of Richmond, VA and currently live in the city. I don’t have much of a religious background, but the people from my former church usually marry directly out of college and have kids within the first year of marriage. I would say 30% of my graduating class has at least once child but some have multiple ones.
Maybe it is just around here, but the first things a guy asks me when we meet is, “How old are you? How many kids do you have?” Its always “how many” not “Do you have children?”
Bingo – I bet it’s where you are located. I have two friends from high school who wound up in Richmond, and while they think it’s a perfectly fine place to live, they describe it with words like cute and quaint and other non-city terms. Check out a major city and it’s the exact opposite — you’d be the lone wolf if you had kids before your late 20s/early 30s. I’ve been living in DC for 10+ years now, have made loads of friends/acquaintances here, and out of all the people I know, ONE person under 30 has a child, and that’s because her husband is much older and he didn’t want to wait any longer.
As someone who had children young (18 and 21) I would say to wait awhile, and enjoy being young. Enjoy being able to sleep whenever and care for no one but yourself. There is a time for having children and you will know when that time has come. I am now 26, and pregnant with my third and last baby (also the only planned one of the bunch). My peers are beginning families now so it’s nice to be pregnant with others for once, but I also have a school age child. Babies are easy, this school age thing is tough and I am struggling with it. Parenting is about so much more than having a baby, it’s about having a child to parent for the next 18+ years, according to my dad you never stop.
I smell what you’re steppin in. Ever since I started dating, people have been asking me if I want kids and when I plan on having them by. I was mostly asked this question by family and friends who already had kids of their own, or were making plans to have them. My typical reply was always, “I don’t want kids.” That either shut people up, or had them telling me “you’ll think differently when you get close to 30.”
I just turned 29, I have been married for 8 years, and the level of my not wanting to shove a banshee out of my cooter is at an all-time high. Maybe I’m missing that clock that says I should want kids right about now, I don’t know, and frankly I don’t care. I don’t go around whining at people who have kids for having them, and I don’t see the need for them to whine at me for not having them.
My mom had me when she was 19, and I honestly loved the fact that my parents were on the younger side. The tradeoff was that they didn’t find financial and emotional stability until I was about ready to leave the house, so maybe being a younger parent has its own downfall. Kind of like kids raising kids. However, as already pointed out by another commenter, being a bit older when you start having kiddos also means that you’re just that much older when your kid is the most… special, or pain in the ass, one of those. So, no matter what age you have a kid, if you choose to do so, comes with its own bag of tricks.
My opinion? You should do what you want, when you want. It’s honestly none of anyone else’s business.
I got pregnant when I was 22. The guy whose sperm it was (I refuse to call him the father because he was nothing a father should ever be) was a complete waste of human skin and getting pregnant by him was a fluke. I was completely and totally not ready at all to have a child.
I didn’t go through with the pregnancy. Do I sometimes wonder what it’d be like to have a 7 year old child now? Yes. Do I think it was a mistake ending the pregnancy? No.
Anyway, I turned 30 this past May and had my first child, my son, in July. In all honesty I think I was ready for kids about when I met and started a relationship with my now husband. I was 26 then and I was a much healthier, more stable person and I knew the first time I saw my husband that he was the one I wanted children with. But I had to immigrate to Europe to be with him and that added a couple years to our child timeline cause it took a while for me to find work/learn the language/etc. and we wanted that before we had kids.
I guess my point is, if you want kids, you’ll know in your gut when you’re ready and until you are, don’t let anyone pressure you.
Sheesh! 23! Anyone having children before 23 is crazy-pants! And when people ask me about it, my usual response is: “Do you know what I ate yesterday? 4 cups of coffee, canned chicken noodle soup, and peanut butter. Straight from the jar. I can’t even feed myself properly. Get real.”
Look, I know that at the age of 25, I’m nowhere near ready. And if you know that at the age of 23 that you’re not ready, that’s ALL that matters. The worst thing you can do is bring a child into the world before you’re prepared to be the person that child needs.
As for your mother, tell her to get a puppy. That’s what mine did and now she’s too busy to gush about baby clothes. It’s perfect!
23 is still to young to be pressured to have children. I am 32 and do not have children yet. I do want them, but not right now. My fiance and I are not in the right place in our lives, meaning neither of us has a steady job, and he lives in Ireland for most of the year. We are planning on getting married in the next 2 years, and then we’ll talk about having kids. I guess I’m lucky in my family that most of my aunts and cousins waited until their late 20 and early 30′s to have kids, so their is no pressure for me yet.
I think it is weird…around the 23ish age people want to know, and then if you don’t have kids by then they assume you don’t want them until after 30 (at least in my experience). But I totally agree with Sugar Scientist about the factors that influence it. I’m 28, my husband is 30 and we live in a big city where we both have demanding career paths, as to do most of our friends. Only a few of our friends (who are older) have kids and for the most part, we are one of the few married couples- still LOTS of weddings in our future. But I’ve been told that when you know, you know. For now we spoil our dog.
Well, my advice is absolutely no different than any of the other ladies that have commented. I was finished with my first degree, married for over five years and 27 before I had my first child. We’re expecting our second this next Summer, after over seven years of marriage, I’ll be a third of the way finished with my graduate degree and 29 years old. My older sister has a similar story, first child at 26 after five years of marriage, her first degree complete, half way through her teacher’s certification, then her second child at 28 as she started her very first position in her career. Then there’s a younger sister of mine who’s married to a 31 year old, has her BS in Psych, works with middle-school special education children, turns 26 this coming Jan and STILL has no children nor any intention of trying anytime soon. I think you have PLENTY of time for marriage and children. You have so much left to do before you give your time to a family. Spend your twenties for you, your thirties for your children, your forties and fifties for your career, and your sixties and beyond for your retirement and grandchildren.
Wow, no one ever asked me that at 23! But then I’m almost 38, and have two small kids — one born when I was 32 and one at 36. I don’t know *anyone* — literally, anyone — who had kids younger than 30. Sure, it’s probably because I live in a big city, and all my friends are career types (who mostly have kids now, in their late thirties).
But I definitely admit I was nowhere near mature enough to have kids at 23 — or 25, or even 27 (although I probably could have done it in my late 20s!). The best time to have kids is when *you* are ready, and you’ll know when that is when you *really really really* want them. When having a baby seems more important than everything else in your life. For some people, that’s 22. For some that’s 35. It works at different times for different people. But wait until then. And don’t let anyone pressure you, either. Not even your mom.
I feel your pain – I was almost 29, married nearly 6 years before we had our first (of two) over 20 years ago. The pressure was enormous and irritating. I refused to even consider bringing a kid into the mix until a) I was as certain as I could be that I would be married to my husband FOREVER and b) we were in a house that we owned and could afford.
Not by design, but we ended up having over 6 years between our two. By the time our second was in middle school, more than a few of our friends were already grandparents. Yes, they were ‘free’ – kids were grown and out of the house, or mostly out. BUT! Let me tell you the one truth that came to us about that same time – the freedom is much more…FREE when you’re in your 20s. You’ll do and experience so many things that you’ll never do even if you are ‘free’ by the time you’re 40. By then, your partners in crime are either scattered or have given up on all that fun stuff.
I would never, ever for a million bucks change the timeline of having my kids later than most.
I think there are a lot of factors here. I have a friend, my age (33), who is pregnant with her second child. When she lived in a big city, she was amongst the youngest of her group of friends to have a baby. But, when she and her husband moved to a much smaller, ruralish town, she became the oldest first time mom in her new group of friends. We were talking about it, and it turns out that while she didn’t meet her husband until she was out of college, many of her friends married their high school or college sweethearts. So that dynamic could play into it as well. But I agree with the others – enjoy your twenties! I cannot count the number of times that my husband and I decided we wanted to go out for drinks at around 9 at night. Or slept in until 11, only to wander downtown for coffee and lunch because we didn’t feel like cooking. (These things can still be done after having a child, they just require more planning.) Now, I knew at 23 that I wanted a child some day, but I knew I wasn’t ready then, either. I think you are right on track!
P.S. Along the lines of asking people when they are having children, I want to know where is the edict that we must have more than one. We really only want one child, and yet, I’ve had several people tell me in the last month how sorry they feel for us and my son, since he’ll never have siblings. It angers me to no end!
I agree with your last comment. People feel sorry (already!!!) for my unborn daughter because me and my husband decided we only want one child. It really makes me super angry.
Dude, you’re only 23. When I was 23 I’d just started dating the man I am now married to. We dated for 3 years before getting married. I was 27 when my first kid was born, and really wish I’d waited a couple more years.
It boggles my mind that someone your age is concerned about this. Kids were the last thing on my mind at 23!
Please enjoy being 23 right now. It is a good age to be after all. I know what it is like to pine for children, believe me I do! I am 30 and struggling with infertility so boy do I pine for children. I actually got married at 23, but we didn’t start thinking about having kids until our late 20′s and I’m glad we enjoyed our time together in our 20′s. We took time to travel, finish school, and of course sleep when we want. We still enjoy the perks of being childfree, which hopefully won’t last too much longer.
I went through the same guilt trip with my mother about the grandbabies. It was easier with my husband’s parents because he was the youngest of three siblings and the other two already had children. I got engaged at 25, married at 26, and had a baby at 27. I was in absolutely no hurry whatsoever! All of my close friends are childless and most of them are single. I was the first to do that crazy family “thing.” It seems like 90% of my high school graduating class had children before me but I was laughing it up, going out, drinking, having fun, and they were at home being a parent. I’m so glad I waited. If I had to do it all over again I wouldn’t change a thing.
I’m 21, not 23, but the attitude in my circles couldn’t be more opposite. For two and a half years I’ve been dating a guy four years older than me, and provided nothing disastrously unpredictable happens before I graduate in a year and a half, we expect we will get married. We know we want children, and personally I’d like to have the first one before 30 (my parents had me at 19 and I always liked having young parents, but we do need to get practical things taken care of first). So when the topic comes up, I say kids are probably 5-8 years out. But the topic ONLY comes up very awkwardly. My parents are just starting to get used the idea that this might be my endgame relationship, and they urge me not to “rush into” being a parent (age 26-29 is rushing?). My boyfriend’s friends are getting married, but friends my own age can’t imagine that kind of commitment and it boggles them that I can be seriously thinking about this stuff already. FWIW I live in a medium-large city in the Pacific Northwest, and generally, if I hear a lady is pregnant and I don’t know her age, I’m inclined to think that means she’s at least 25. Who has the resources to support a child in their early twenties anyway in this decade?
Yes, it’s totally normal to feel pressured. I’m 33 and childless. My mom has been pressuring me for years, thank goodness for my brother and his girlfriend giving her a granddaughter a year ago.
I know I want children, someday, but without a husband/boyfriend I don’t see that happening any time soon. My biggest concern is how long can I wait? I don’t want my uterus to have other plans when I finally am ready to procreate.
Good luck to you!
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