I hate nothing more than starting my period at work, having to ask one of the girls for a pad, and being told that they only wear tampons.
TAMPONS?! Hold the phone!
Because I had no other option, I tried to insert a tampon (for the second time in my life) the other day. I nearly fainted, which is similar to what happened the first time I tried to insert a tampon. In high school.
Just the touch of the applicator to my Hot Pocket was enough to make my stomach flip and turn my skin as white as a ghost.
I was sitting on the toilet with my head between my legs, trying not to pass out at work. Passing out in the bathroom stall would totally suck. Can you imagine them finding me there on the bathroom floor, with a tampon in my hand, and blood seeping out of my crotch? They might think that some bathroom mugger came in there, knocked me out, and planted the tampon on me as a cover. Or they may just think, Oh, it’s just Meredith being Meredith.
So as I sat there, breathing slowly in and out, trying to control my heart rate…I began to wonder…why I am like this? Why can’t I wrap my brain around this piece of cotton with plastic around it that is supposed to be shoved into my Notorious V.A.G.?
Why can’t I have my blood drawn?
Why can’t I clean up puke?
Why can’t I man up and just deal with the things that other people find so easy to handle?
If I could wear a tampon, I wouldn’t have to skip going to the lake one weekend every month in the summer. I wouldn’t have to tell everyone that I’m not coming because I need to get things done at home. They all know that’s a lie since our Super Nanny pretty much has this place on lock-down, and our family knows better than to mess up what she has cleaned and organized.
If I could wear a tampon, I could ride horses when I have my period. Although, I have no idea how to ride a horse, I am certain that the occasion to jump on that saddle will happen when I am sporting a big oafy pad.
If I could wear tampons, I would be cool like the other girls who smoke and drink and have sex in the back of cars by the airport.
But, alas, I cannot. My mom has brainwashed me into fearing tampons…
Did their mothers teach them nothing? You can DIE from tampons. Hello? Haven’t these women heard of toxic shock syndrome?
Only the ”loose girls” wear tampons.
Tampons are dirty and keep your eggs from shedding properly. If God wanted it to stay in you, he would have made a way for cotton to be grown in us once a month.
What if I lose the string? Or forget to take it out? Will I have to have it surgically removed like that stupid belly button ring?
What if I accidentally push too hard and it finds its way into my fallopian tube and it gets stuck there forever?
Aren’t these things made of asbestos? Cancer would really ruin my day.
See? I’m jaded. I just can’t do it because my head is full of crazy every time I try.
Where do you stand on this very important, very political, very controversial issue of pads vs. tampons?