I’m afraid of divorce.
Mainly because my husband was married once before, so I fear that it makes him more accepting of the option of divorce. And this fear gives me no choice but to sometimes (okay all the time) stalk his ex-wife on Facebook. I must know why it didn’t work out between them.
When I stalk her, I know that I’m smarter. I mean, who doesn’t know the difference between to, two, and too? And her status updates are littered with drama and bad things about her employer. Who does that? So I must be smarter. Or is it more smart? Anyway…
Why do I feel the need to consume myself with her garbage?
Because they had sex almost every day. Her skinny legs, her un-jiggly butt, her flat stomach, was on MY man every day.
He actually told me that they had sex almost every day. He should have just lied.
Men: take note, always lie about your ex.
As you can see, now I have no choice but to be a complete psycho to make sure that we are happier than Sexy McSexerson and her new family.
I don’t have sex every day. I can’t. I’m too tired. I work 60+ hours per week. I have three children. I think they purposely try to make me too tired. The dishes need done. I have to mop up that juice on the floor. Has anyone taken the trash out?
I don’t know. There a million reasons.
So we schedule sex. I know. It sounds bad. But we have Sex Saturday Nights. It happens at about 11 pm after all of the kids go to bed.
But guess what? I’m done worrying about this ever since I held a very official Facebook and Twitter poll and found out that…
OTHER MARRIED COUPLES ARE THE SAME WAY!
So, I guess we’re normal.
But that still doesn’t change the fact that his ex-wife doesn’t know the difference between there, their, and they’re. Jeez, how did he ever not notice these things about her?
And also, she may be skinny, but you can’t fix stupid.
*closes Facebook*
Great post!
I love you for this. So hard.
If they were having sex that often (and I bet they weren’t) it’s because they didn’t have kids or something. Heck, my husband and I don’t have any kids, married 4.5 years and we only have sex a couple of times a week at most.
You are so right! They didn’t have kids. Damn kids, they are like peeping Toms.
I thought the same thing about the kids. No way could they have that much sex with young ones around.
LOVE LOVE LOVE…
And also, isn’t that what Facebook is for?? Legal stalking? (or as the skinny one would say…stocking?)
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I would SO rather be “smarter than” than “skinnier than.”
hells yes.
LOVE!!!!!
I feel soooo much better about myself after reading this!!! I also agree with Angi, I thought that was what facebook was for! I have “looked up” so many old friends and umm, foes just to see what they looked like and how happy they are now
We eat healthy and exercise and we become more fit. There is no exercise or supplement that will help her. And I can’t believe husbands who tell the truth about that stuff, no good can come from it.
Alright, I didn’t “lie” about what happened because, really, what is the point? I married my wife for things like intelligence, “outgoingness” (is that an official word? Did I score in Scrabble?), hotness, oral and physical skills, motherability (again, another big Scrabble score), family, and breasts (breasts for the win!). Why would I want to lie? I am free to never have to lie about anything again because we get each other. Now, regarding the post, I wish sex wasn’t scheduled. (unless it was a daily schedule, then that would be AWESOME!) But, since it is, I try to do my best, for that chance, that one chance, that my wife says “We should do this every night”. So…..here’s to all the men out there that give 100% each time. Because you never know when she might say “We are doing this tomorrow.”
And then there’s that.
you are one lucky bitch.
I love “oral and physical skills.” Coffee straight through the nose!
I was just going to sneakingly (i could so kick his ass at scrabble) read your blog and then go away BUT then I read your husband’s comment and had to leave a post. HILARIOUS! I love that he tries harder in the hopes that you’ll be so blown away (yes, i meant to say that) that you’ll want sex every day. Sounds like my husband.
So do I!!! LOL!!!
I love him. And comments like that make me love him more.
for the record, i’m scared of divorce too. just for different reasons. reasons like between my parents & hubs’ parents & our step parents, there have been 11 different marriages. ELEVEN.
Dude. The whole ten minutes I sat with you at the bar at blogher, I thought you were pretty fucking smart. And awesome. Don’t doubt why he married you.
I wish there was a “like” button for that comment.
If you can’t master a third grade spelling list it doesn’t matter how sexy you are.
Actually,……….. you’re really not “that” sexy! Sexy IS mastering a third grade spelling list and you get even sexier with each level above that!! LOL!! If you get up to graduate school level, you’re the sexiest thing on earth!!! That’s REAL talk, and intelligent even!!! (*in my snaggle puss voice*) LOL!!
As a man who has been through a divorce and re-marriage – i can tell you this: No man who has been through a divorce wants to do it again. Well, most men, anyway. AND Those of us who HAVE been through a divorce will more than likely tell you that we’ve done it better the second time than we did the first.
If you’re afraid of losing him you’re operating from a position of weakness. You have to KNOW that he chose you – just as you chose him. Warts and all.
Boy am I glad that I am not the only person in the world doing this. Thank you!
OK…also M, they are DIVORCED. You are married to him. So, obviously sex everyday with her wasn’t enough. Scheduled sex with a smart woman and obviously awesome mom wins! You win! Don’t be so hard on yourself!
[Like]
Love this post. Love that you’re happy. AND LOVE YOUR HUSBAND.
I agree with Merediths Husband. Sex should never be scheduled, unless it is every day at the same time which is a known peak time for each other to express your desire for each other. Which is exactly what my second wife and I do every morning befor we leave for work, and might I also add that I have 3 kids. On the other note about honesty, being dishonest about ones past is in no way, the right way to start off a new relationship. All relationships should be based on honesty, trust, committment, love and faithfullness. Mine is, and I could not imagine having it any other way.
YES! ALWAYS LIE!
Ahem. And, yes, even without kiddos, my hubby and I do schedule sex sometimes. Not always, but sometimes. We’ve been together eight years, we both work at least 40 hours a week, and sometimes we have to schedule our fun times. Y’know what? Nothin’ wrong with it.
And about the every day thing? The more I think about it, the more I think he was lying to start with. Some kind of sneaky boy thing to try and make you get down and dirty more. Hmm…
Ok, so you just said right out loud what a million women haven’t found the balls to!!! Or is that too… Lol absolutely on the money!!!
Gosh, I wish I would have had that ionfrmaotin earlier!
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