I’m afraid of divorce.
Mainly because my husband was married once before, so I fear that it makes him more accepting of the option of divorce. And this fear gives me no choice but to sometimes (okay all the time) stalk his ex-wife on Facebook. I must know why it didn’t work out between them.
When I stalk her, I know that I’m smarter. I mean, who doesn’t know the difference between to, two, and too? And her status updates are littered with drama and bad things about her employer. Who does that? So I must be smarter. Or is it more smart? Anyway…
Why do I feel the need to consume myself with her garbage?
Because they had sex almost every day. Her skinny legs, her un-jiggly butt, her flat stomach, was on MY man every day.
He actually told me that they had sex almost every day. He should have just lied.
Men: take note, always lie about your ex.
As you can see, now I have no choice but to be a complete psycho to make sure that we are happier than Sexy McSexerson and her new family.
I don’t have sex every day. I can’t. I’m too tired. I work 60+ hours per week. I have three children. I think they purposely try to make me too tired. The dishes need done. I have to mop up that juice on the floor. Has anyone taken the trash out?
I don’t know. There a million reasons.
So we schedule sex. I know. It sounds bad. But we have Sex Saturday Nights. It happens at about 11 pm after all of the kids go to bed.
But guess what? I’m done worrying about this ever since I held a very official Facebook and Twitter poll and found out that…
OTHER MARRIED COUPLES ARE THE SAME WAY!
So, I guess we’re normal.
But that still doesn’t change the fact that his ex-wife doesn’t know the difference between there, their, and they’re. Jeez, how did he ever not notice these things about her?
And also, she may be skinny, but you can’t fix stupid.