It’s a hot button issue you see tossed about on blogs, message boards and talk shows.
It’s one of the most common points of conflict in relationships along with finances, infidelity and abuse.
Pornography is a billion dollar business in this country, and what that means is, they are very good at what they do.
So what about it breeds so much jealousy, insecurity, and pain?
My husband watches porn. Sometimes with me, sometimes without me. I feel okay about it. I watch it, too. We trust each other.
But, what about the relationships where the trust isn’t there? How does this spin so out of control it leads to fighting and divorce?
I simply had to know, so I went to the source.
Two anonymous men. Two very different relationships.
Guy #1. Married, loves porn, is open about it with his wife, watches it multiple times a week.
Guy #2. Long Term Relationship, loves porn, watches it in secret, sometimes daily.
Alright guys, let’s just jump right in and pretend this is not awkward at all. Porn. What kind do you watch and why do you watch it?
Guy #1: Mostly internet porn. My dads old magazines aren’t as interesting anymore. Honestly, I’ve been doing it since high school and it’s a turn on. Sometimes my wife is home and it leads to sex, sometimes she isn’t and it’s just something fun I look at to get aroused.
Guy #2: Same here, I watch it online and it’s a turn on. My girlfriend isn’t always in the mood, so I feel like I am watching it out of habit since she ain’t [sic] around.
Gotcha, so do your partners know you watch porn? Are they cool with it?
Guy #1: Yes, my wife has known since college, and it really doesn’t bug her. She isn’t insecure about it at all, and sometimes we watch it together, which is my favorite part.
Guy #2: Yeah she kinda knows I watch it. She doesn’t like when I do it, so I usually have to sneak around and watch it when she is at work or her sisters. If she does find out I have been watching it, it usually leads to a long fight, because she thinks it’s like I am cheating on her.
Lots of women feel that way, it seems. Do you think you are using internet porn as a replacement for something lacking in your relationship?
Guy #1: Nope. I am not addicted to it or anything, I watch it because it’s fun and adds some excitement to our sex life. But, if I didn’t watch it, it wouldn’t make my sex any different, it’s just an enhancement, really.
Guy #2: Well, I think that the more we fight about it, the more I watch it, because the more we fight, the less sex we have.
Right, but if it upsets her that badly, why not just stop watching it?
Guy #2: I don’t know, I do feel bad when she says it hurts her, but I’ve never cheated on her, I’ve never even chatted with another girl online. But, I like the fantasy of it, it helps me relieve stress.
This raises a good point. Do you watch porn that you think closely mimics your real life relationship, or are you drawn to porn that features more outrageous/fantasy situations that would be illegal in most states?
Guy #1: Definitely porn that is more like my marriage. I like something I can relate to because that makes the whole fantasy of porn more plausable for me.
Guy #2: I watch some of both. The kinky stuff is more interesting than arousing, but I think I watch the tamer stuff because it feels more like my real life relationship.
Would you stop watching it if your partner demanded it?
Guy #1: I definitely would, but I know it’d never come down to that. She just trusts me and I am not doing anything disloyal to her. It’s really just a form of mental foreplay for me.
Guy #2: She has asked me to stop before, and I do watch it less. I truthfully feel like watching porn keeps me from cheating. Because if I can just play out the sex in my head, it keeps me from ever wanting to stray.
Two very different men, two very different viewpoints. Where do you fall in this debate?
Well, this topic was a major factor in my divorce 4 years ago. He was doing it with me at first and that was cool. I was ok with it. But it turned in to something that was no longer ok. He was sneaking around to do it. Lying about when he was watching it. He would watch it while I was home, even though I was willing and able to be the real thing for him. In the next room! It was a problem because it turned in to something he was hiding and lying about. IF your spouse is against it and verbally tells you that they don’t agree with it, then why continue to do it?
yeah, that is the part I struggle with when I hear this issue…if my husband asked me to stop doing something because I was hurting him….I would do it. No (ok, minimal) questions asked.
I wouldn’t have much of a problem with my partner watching porn occasionally, so long as it wasn’t substituting for something that was lacking in our relationship. It could trigger insecurities about my body and such, but I would try to deal with those with my partner.
And I think being open about it would definitely be necessary. If I didn’t know what my partner was watching, I would wonder if there was something I was doing wrong, or not doing at all. In a way, it’s just another form of communication about sex. I want to know what my partner wants in bed, and I want to know fantasies, too.
You raise some great points! I think being really open about this things, even when they are uncomfortable at first, opens the dialogue.
I was shocked at how comfortable Andy and I were talking about this.
I am sure I watch more porn than my husband does. It doesn’t bother me at all. It’s not real. It’s just porn.
I feel the same way about strippers. Go see them, have fun, do you need some singles??
DITTO. i mean, my husband’s in the Navy. There are going to be times when he’s on a ship full of men for months at a time. He’s told me some of the most hilarious stripper stories from his deployments before we met. I think it would be delusional of me to think that he didn’t watch it. I don’t have a problem with him OR me doing it. I think it actually benefits our relationship.
I couldn’t agree more. My motto always has been- I don’t care where you get hungry, as long as you eat at home
I love what you said and that say always been my motto too. As long as he comes back to my/our bed, then its all good!
HAHAH I love that quote!
I tell my husband the same thing. Go! Get a lapdance! I always joke that as long as he doesn’t get arrested or come home with glitter on his dick, I don’t care. I’m also pretty sure my husband never has a chance to watch porn because the poor sap works so hard. If he did, though, I wouldn’t care. We used to watch it together, before we got married.
I wrote quite a lengthy article about Men and Porn. Seems kind of apprpos now http://kenicillin.blogspot.com/2008/09/men-and-pron-warning-adult-topic.html . I think women should understand that porn isn’t about them being undesirable or with them as partners. In other words don’t hit the panic button cuz you caught your guy with his pants around his ankles watching porn.
However, that being said porn CAN become an addiction and if porn is actually taking away from real life intimate relationships then its OK to be concerned and step in. In addition, if you find your man enjoying a particular type of porn that you find particularly objectionable its OK to share that with him and why. Maybe you can explain why it bothers you, and what kind of porn you might even be willing to share with him.
Now I know some of you have an objection to porn purely on a religious and philosophical basis. You find it immoral, reprehensible, etc. etc. I get it. That’s your bag. There is no way one could cover all the religious arguments in one blog. Even so, I would think twice about canceling a life long marriage because of discovering your man’s dalliance in porn. I agree with what guy 2 said when he found it a good to keep from cheating. Sure it beats a Craigslist hooker with herpes. However he may want to address why he is even thinking about cheating in the first place before he is typing his credit card in at the Ashley Madison website.
I think Kenny hit all the bases.
Porn isn’t the problem per say, but it can become a serious addiction just like all the other vices. That’s when it is a real problem. Worse so (speaking from from relationship experiences), half of society pleads how “okay” it is, not considering individual circumstances like addiction, which just gives someone who is addicted the fuel they need to defend their actions. Like telling an alcoholic that everyone drinks once in a while.
I don’t mind when my husband watches it. Sometimes I watch it with him. Sometimes I watch it without him. Sometimes I just want to go to sleep and tell him to go watch it.
It’s about trust, and about being open, and honest.
In my relationship, this is also all true.
Heidi took the words right out of my mouth! I know I watch more porn than my husband. Probably because he can’t play World of Warcraft and watch porn at the same time! Decisions decisions… At the moment I have been trying to get him to buy me a subscription to a site I love!
It’s just porn, and 9 out of 10 times it lead to is having sex so I think it’s a winner!
HA! I LOLed at the WoW comment. I soooo know what you are talking about.
This is a good one. I like that you got a couple of guys to interview with you, although you should have done it separately. We guys tend to say different things when no one else is around. Maybe you girls do as well?
Which brings me to a thought. When ladies masturbate, do they ever think of any man besides a significant other? A celebrity perhaps? Some guy they knew in college? For the “yes” women out there, is it so surprising that men (who are largely visual creatures) like to see a fantasy played out?
I don’t expect to change anyone’s viewpoint here, so I’ll stop. Except, I will say that masturbating to porn is something most (all) men have done since before they were teenagers. If it’s a major factor in a bad relationship, then it’s a symptom, not the cause.
Lori’s ex was probably doing what he did because he didn’t want to have sex with her. Their relationship was sour. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to have sex with her because masturbating to porn is so awesome. It’s not when compared to great sex. It’s like comparing a penny to a pound of gold.
There’s no easy answer to this. But if a guy is hurting his love’s feelings and he does really love her, he needs to either keep it on the WAY down low or keep it in his head.
Don’t you think thats a bit harsh to say that his addiction was my fault? When I openly participated with the whole thing in the beginning? His sneakiness is what made it a problem. Him choosing that over me is what made it a problem. One of our breaking points was when he was caught doing it on one of our friend’s computer. It was completely humiliating for me to see that I wasn’t enough for him. I don’t need you to point it out as well.
Also, you’re notion that if he really loves her then an option would be just to “keep it on the WAY down low”? That is not love, to continue to do something that she is against, but just make sure not to get caught by being sneaky about it. Um.. just no.
I think it’s hard to know what’s going on in anyone’s relationship, but I am fascinated in the different ways men and women view this topic.
I tend to agree with the theory that it’s a symptom and not the cause, but then I hear a story from someone living with the issue, and I think wow…how does it get to that point?
I think that’s why I wanted to write this. To help bring this issue out of the closet, talk about it, and maybe gain some insight.
I guess with me it depends on who I am with. My ex was a liar. I never trusted him, and after 3 months of living together we had no sex life. He constantly said he was “too tired” or didnt “feel like” having sex, yet he constantly watched porn, looked at magazines, and read stories while hiding it from me. When I found it and brought it up, he’d blow off my concerns, no matter how bad it made me feel.
My most recent ex, and I used to watch it together and had no issues with our sex life.
I did a little detective work on the computer that belongs to the guy Im seeing now and have no problem with the stuff he looks at…its pretty boring and we have a great(ish) “relationship”
When I read your comment about your first ex and I think, maybe it had to do with HIS insecurities.
Maybe that’s why men hide it, they are ashamed? They are so insecure with themselves, they focus on porn, because it’s one way, and they won’t feel like they are letting a real person down, or show their flaws?
This is a hot issue in our house. For reasons I can’t pinpoint, the THOUGHT of my fiance watching porn makes me sick to my stomach. I think it makes me feel like I’m not doing enough to satisfy him. He tells me that isn’t the case and I want to believe him, I just can’t seem to get it through my head. I want him to be able to be happy and do what makes him happy. But I also want to be happy and my insecurities get the best of me in the situation. I really do wish I could get over this issue.
Relax Sue…it really isn’t that big of a deal its not about whether you can satisfy him or not. Have you talked with him about it? Hav eyou tried watching it with him? Trust me when I say your insecurities are far more damaging
I would agree with Kenny. It sounds like it’s more about your insecurities with yourself than anything else. Think about it this way: if you truly weren’t enough for your man he’d go somewhere else. If he didn’t love you and want to be with you he wouldn’t be. Stop second guessing yourself! Once you realize how beautiful and amazing you really are you’ll know that the porn doesn’t have to be a deal breaker.
Oh sue, I have SO been there.
My body is my biggest insecurity and I can totally see how my own insecurities could really take a bruising over some thin, dolled up porn star.
But, I think men see it differently. They compartmentalize things so much better than we do.
Know that your fiance loves you, and your willingness to realize you want to get over the issue and talk through it with him, to get to a place you are BOTH comfortable is amazing. You are creating an environment where he feels comfortable talking about these issues with you and not have to hide them.
I think many women have trouble with the idea of porn because they aren’t as sexually excited by visual stimuli (or are socially conditioned that way, take your pick). We’re cerebral lovers, its our own head, heart and hormones, for most women, not what they see in front of them. Many many women read romance novels/erotica because it pulls on that head/heart combo, where porn doesn’t. Everyone’s different, but that has been my take.
I love this response.
I couldn’t agree more. I am definitely more cerebral than my spouse, which is why I need more than the act of dropping my pants to get turned on.
This also explains why I hunt down my husband after each twilight book…..
So you’re saying that reading romance novels provides you with a pleasant sexual stimulation? Then what, pray tell, is the difference between your romance and his porn?
Porn makes me uncomfortable (one too many articles on the issues with the sex industry) but I realize I’m in the minority on that one. It isn’t something my husband and I ever really talk about, but I don’t think I’d panic if I found out he watches/looks – again, echoing the sentiment that as long as it isn’t leading to lies or sneakiness, it is what it is. No big thing.
I do not enjoy watching porn but really have no issue if my boyfriend wants to watch it when I’m not home or around. I think he respects me too much to begin watching it while I’m there with him. I’ve started to believe that most guys watch porn whether we know it or not. I don’t feel like my boyfriend loves me any less if he watches it when I’m gone. I think it comes down to being secure in the relationship you’re in and having an understanding with your partner about what is okay and what isn’t
The issue I saw with Guy #2 is that he stated that porn keeps him from cheating. If you have the urge to cheat and are trying to keep yourself from doing it then maybe you’re not in the right relationship for you. I need my partner to tell me what he wants and expects from me. I do not want him to use porn to replace what he feels he is not getting from me.
“I need my partner to tell me what he wants and expects from me. I do not want him to use porn to replace what he feels he is not getting from me.”
I think exactly the same thing.
I just found out that my husband watches porn and he has been hiding it for the past 5 1/2 yrs and we have been married for almost 3 yrs. I am completely devastated and I am insecure about myself. He thinks I am the only beautiful woman and he days he has never compared me to them. We made a deal that I would work harder in the bedroom and he would stop watching it. The thing that hurt me the most is that he lied to me. We are inseparable and always together. He is supposed to be my best friend. I am going through a lot of pain right now and I do not know how to trust him with him saying he is not. He said he lied cause he knows I would be hurt. But why stop now if you freakin already knew I would be hurt??!
I could write a novel about my personal feelings on porn. I think, generally, people brand me as a prude because it does cause problems in my marriage, but it is very situation specific. Guys I dated previously watched porn and it was never a big deal. And then, I met my husband… who truly had a porn addiction. It wasn’t just a “hey, I have nothing better to do…” situation, but rather, he would cancel dates and fake being sick to stay home and watch porn. He would tell my girlfriends I was lonely and they should take me out for a girls’ night so he could stay home and watch porn. He used to chat with girls on the internet who would email him raunchy pictures of themselves. Of course, most of this behavior stopped before I found out about it, and he was seeking help from a therapist, so I felt like I couldn’t fault him for what he did in the past, since he was actively trying to fix it.
Porn is still a hot-button issue in our marriage; I know sometimes he calls me very early in the evening to say he doesn’t feel well and he’s going to bed very early, so he can watch porn uninterrupted. On one hand, I do acknowledge we are in a long-distance marriage, so I’m not around, but, on the other hand, it makes me very, very sad that he feels the need to “get rid of me” for the evening so I’m not talking to him and disturbing him.
I have no problem with porn as a whole when both individuals in a marriage are all for it; enjoy! My personal anti-pornography stance comes not from a blanket religious or moral objection, but my own personal experiences and my husband’s past behavior. Sometimes, I do wish I would have just left him when I found out about it in the first place, but now that we are married, I can’t imagine leaving him over it. I just wish it didn’t upset me so much… it’s not an insecurity thing, I don’t expect him to never fantasize about someone else, I think it often just comes down to feeling like there is a lack of respect.
Wow. Reading about your experience with it, I also find it in the realm of lacking respect.
I know you said you were in a long distance marriage, but is there a way you could do couples counseling? Maybe addressing this issue in front of him with a professional who will work through it will help?
honestly, i couldn’t care less that my bf watches porn. i know it’s not an addiction and i know it’s harmless. we don’t watch it together and he is oddly shy about it, i’m thinking it’s the catholic guilt
however, as a raving feminist, i do take issue with the porn industry. i find it degrading to women and generally exploitive. clearly, i’m torn on this issue. i don’t really care on a personal level and yet, i’m morally opposed to the industry. does this make sense? maybe i’m just being hypocritical….
I’m not a huge fan. My husband looks at it on his iPhone, which is never out of reach, which makes me wonder if he is always looking at porn. Total turnoff. If he only knew how disgusted I am when see his phone in his hands. The worst is when he can’t peel his eyes away to see what our kids are doing. Huge source of frustration for me.
This could be me writing this. I am right there with you. Every text he gets from his friends is porn images. It drives me crazy. He even was reading the personal ads on craigslist just to read the stories “not for anything else”!!
Ok that is ridiculous and definitely something that would piss me off, too. You should tell him just how disgusting you find it, because really, who wants to have sex with a man who revolts you. Maybe that will be a wake up call for him.
I think that all guys watch porn, and as long as they’re not acting like COMPLETE weirdos, or as long as their porn of preference isn’t something that completely disturbs me, I don’t mind.
Personally, I’ve never been that into it, but that’s not to say I’m opposed or anything.
Porn is great. I see it as something fun and healthy that me and my partner can enjoy together or separately. I mean, I’m still gonna masturbate sometimes and occasionally watching some porn is better than my imagination. I assume the same is for my partner and have no problems with him watching it. Obviously if it becomes something more than an occasional indulgence or part of our normal sex lives then it is something we need to discuss and get to root of the problem, but that is not something i have ever had happen personally. Also, I think it is a great tool to explore each others likes, dislikes, and fantasies.
I’m totally against it. I’ve seen it start way more fights that it brings good things. My husband and I agree that if that’s what we’re after, hey, we’re both right here. The real thing with my husband is where it’s at and he agrees. Focusing your sexual energies around other people never ends well in marriage. Many may disagree with me, but I’ll hold fast to that opinion forever. Sex is one of the building blocks that makes a marriage stronger, draws two people closer, a sacred act that creates children and bonds you to your soul mate. It’s something to be respected and not exploited. When we’re not having sex or spending time with each other, he’s playing the bass, reading or spending time with his kids. Love that man. For all you ladies who are against it, stand strong darlings!
PaigeK
Good for you and I am glad it all works out for you, If you are happy then you are happy. However, I think some of your ideas about porn and marriage are bit outdated IMHO. The idea that porn actually subtracts from the desire or as you put it the “Sexual energies” of the marriage is a myopic or at least less experienced view of porn.
There are varying degrees of porn out there, not of all of it is “Anal Adventures VIII” there is a lot of porn geared towards couples, by couples, designed not only to get the “juices” going, but to educate and encourage discussion about new and adventurous things committed monogamous lovers can do with each other. It is perfectly healthy and can help to re-ignite passions that sometimes grow stale or tired due to children, work, and life in general.
**Special note I DO not work for the Porn Industry, but if they read this and want to fly me down to a filming I’m totally game!
Thanks for the feedback Kenny. Agree to disagree, I suppose. And you’re right, my husband and I do subscribe to some old ideas – not the most popular, to be sure – but old ideas can hold truth. Then again, is looking at porn something new? However, we’re going to throw ourselves into a “new” idea, get a little crazy, and try and stay married (we like to live on the edge.) I wish you the best and hope you enjoy a happy and blessed marriage as well.
PaigeK
Getting crazy…letting go…trying something new does not mean a marriage risks ending. I would argue just the opposite. It is very true that old ideas hold truth, but that doesn’t mean new ideas don’t have truth in them as well.
I think you did the most important thing, and that is, get to a place in your marriage where you both agree with your level of intimacy, are open about it, and feel satisfied. Can’t argue with that.
I’m so glad you wrote about this. This topic is a constant struggle for me in all of my relationships.
As someone with absolute bottom of the barrel self-esteem (no seriously, I despise everything about myself), it completely and totally crushes me when I find out my significant other has been looking at porn. This is not a religious or moral thing in the least. For me it feels like cheating, like a direct statement saying I am not doing enough to please my man and that just thinking about me (or even looking at pictures of me, which I’m not opposed to and have provided before) doesn’t do it for him. It may not be physically cheating, but he has to use someone else to pleasure himself (even if only in the imagination) and to me that breaks my heart just as cheating would. Masturbation doesn’t bother me, it’s a natural thing. It’s just porn. I’m sure my feelings would be just as hurt without porn if I knew he was thinking of someone besides me.
When I was married, we finally got to a point where I trusted my husband. He knew how much porn upset me so he didn’t look (and yes, I truly believe that he didn’t) and he would let me know whenever he masturbated. That was exactly what I needed, and it has turned out to be my yardstick against which I measure all other relationships. I need total honesty. This has been a huge problem, since not all men work that way. It becomes a source for huge fights, mistrust, and soul-crushing blows to any tiny shreds of self-esteem I may have left. And to make matters worse, men tend to hide it (like guy #2) just to avoid the fight, so that makes the trust issues even worse.
I felt the need to jump into this conversation in the hopes that you guys can help me. I’m in tears just typing this up, as it’s such a sensitive topic for me. I try to be reasonable about it when it comes up, because I know this is something that shouldn’t be such a big deal, but the truth is it breaks my heart and drives a wedge between myself and the man I love each time it happens. How do I get over this? I guess the larger issue here is my self-esteem. Everyone says just to love yourself but that’s easier said than done.
I feel the need to also say I am totally ok with watching it together, so long as the person I’m with makes me feel like it’s me that’s turning them on. The porn is just there to enhance the experience.
Loving yourself is WAY harder said than done. Coming from personal experience it takes a long time and is a pretty painful process. BUT that is the bigger issue here. It’s important to make sure you’re man understands the way you feel but you also have to think along the lines of compromise. What if he hated something you really enjoy doing and think is perfectly natural? What if he were trying to boss you around and tell you what you can and can’t do with your own body? It is a super complicated issue but you always have to be willing to compromise because that’s what a relationship is.
Honestly, I would say that you need to take some time to be by yourself and learn to love yourself without someone else complicating things. Growing self-esteem is really hard and it only takes the tiniest shift to throw the whole process off. Besides the old adage really is true, you can’t truly love anyone else until you learn to love yourself.
I agree with the entire last paragraph. The fact is, until you value yourself enough, you’ll never know the value you have.
Start the process. You have a whole community here who are veterans in the war of self hate. If you EVER need to talk it out, email us.
You deserve happiness and fulfillment in a relationship.
Adria – I don’t mean this to sound rude and it is comming from a loving place so please don’t take offense. Get thee to a therapist, life coach, guru, yoga class whatever you think could help. You cant see it now but you are beautiful and strong with your own gifts and talents. You deserve to revel in all you have to offer the universe. Obviously everybody struggles with self-estime but you don’t have to struggle alone. Your post makes me hurt for you and I really hope you get to that loving place
because you deserve it! you. deserve. it.
When I was dating my High School boyfriend, we watched it occasionally. It was more amusing than anything else, but I encouraged him to pay attention to the girl on girl scenes in hopes he would learn a few things. Chicks know what to do, how and where to do it after all…
I have watched a few times with my husband and as long as he is open about it I really don’t care if he watches — BUT I have said that if it is so interesting, why doesn’t he try some of the stuff that has caught his interest in our bed instead… So far not so much!
Last year I caught him looking at porn on the PC that our kids use. When I asked about it — he lied. THAT pissed me off! I don’t like being lied to and if you do that just makes me suspicious. He was not cleaning up his porn trash on the computer and I was more concerned about our young kids seeing it than anything else.
In my experiences in relationships, when a guy lies, hides and sneaks around; regardless of why (special exceptions for making a good surprise), it is tantamount to cheating, because he has then given the porn more value than his partner. If your partner values porn more than the relationship, it is time to MOVE ON!
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My fiance and I watch porn together from time to time… Not terribly often because he doesn’t really like porn (I know WEIRD right?). So I know I watch it more than he does. I really enjoy watching it during sex because it gives it that ‘naughty’ feel and it keeps me interested in sex when my mind wanders. I know he doesn’t watch it but if he did it really wouldn’t bother me… Than again, I do have to add that sex does not necessarily equate to love in my mind. God knows I had enough love-less sex before I met James. So him thinking about sex with other girls, fantasizing about them and what not. Really doesn’t bother me. If he ever fell in love with another person? I would be devastated.
I love how you mentioned having it on during sex in case your mind wanders. I find myself in the position a lot, not out of lacking desire for my husband, but rather because as a woman and mom, it’s SO EASY for my head to slip into…grocery store, doctor appointment, play date…mode.
interesting article & interesting responses.
i enjoy watching porn with my hubby. i do not like him watching it alone.(what can i say, i’m jealous) he knows how i feel and respects it.
same thing with strip clubs, i’ll go with you…heck i’ll even pay for a lap dance..but i’ll be right there watching. i wouldnt like him going to a strip club without me.
This is a touchy subject, to say the least.
I´m 31 and me and my boyfriend have been living together since 2006. For two years I was the breadwinner of our house since he was still getting his master´s. You see I´m “the cool girlfriend” I´ve been to strip clubs, watched porn numerous times sometimes with him, sometimes with friends (Male and female) but when I found out that he was looking at waaaay too much porn while I was working to pay the bills (Not saying studying isn´t hard, I´m on my way to get a PhD and still working) I started to worry a bit, but still thought it was harmless.
A year went by and before I knew my boyfriend had an emotional affair with a girl he met online while watching porn… it broke my heart, I felt stupid and betrayed but I confronted him demanding to know what was going on. He came clean and told me he felt neglected since I was tired all the time… so we are trying to rebuild our relationship because we both think it’s woth it. Still, I get very nervous when he is using his computer for whatever reason.
I guess, what I´m trying to say is that my self confidence is completely shattered and I´m having a really hard time trying to be carefree and cool like I was before all of it happened.
Well again this is sadly another example where porn has replaced the actual “relations” part of a relationship and that is not something that should happen. Again, like drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, and pork rinds…porn can become a very real addiction still we should all keep in mind the following:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T-TA57L0kuc
i have never watched internet porn.
i’d like to, seriously..what’s a good site? i am curious.
If you are serious or curious Youporn.com is a good place to start. It’s free and it has almost all mainstream genres available. Pornhub.som is another one but you get those weird chicks who want to chat popping up with that one. It’s really annoying too because they popup behind your browser.
Redtube is my preferred site. Quick, free clips. And I haven’t encountered any viruses from it… knock on wood. I don’t click on any of the ads on the site though, just the movie clips themselves.
Oh Sara…thank you for Redtube…amazing I had never heard of ti before….best site yet
Oh, porn. I asked my boyfriend if he watched it and when he replied yes, I went through the typical, “is it me?” and “will this ruin our relationship?” feelings. So I did the only logical thing. I asked to watch it with him. And so I did.
And it was the FUNNIEST thing I’ve ever seen. Seriously. Porn = completely implausible, no matter what kind you want to watch. And if he wanted to be aroused by something that I just thought was hilarious, well, that was fine by me.
Point being, I find the whole thing completely non-threatening. Because it’s not real.
I’ve been a marriage therapist for about ten years now, and I have seen porn do some serious damage to relationships. Maybe I’m cynical, but I just think the potential for addiction is SO high that it’s not really worth it. Also, I really don’t think it tends to add intimacy to a relationship. More often, I see men (or women) withdrawing from their spouse and not doing the hard work of maintaining their romance, because they would rather just get off on watching porn by themselves. I don’t think that solo porn watching usually enhances a couple’s sex life. Of course, my opinion is based on talked to numerous couples who are seeking relationship help and may not reflect the general public.
I watch porn. My husband watches porn. We watch porn together. I really have no problem with it. I know it doesn’t reflect his feelings of me at all and it isn’t a substitute for anything in our marriage. We have plenty of intimate time.
What I like most I think is that he’s a very early riser, 6:00AM even on the weekend. So he’ll get up and maybe watch some porn, do whatever during his personal time, then wake me up a few hours later and be ready to go.
I did have a problem with a previous relationship, however, where the porn became a substitute for actually being with me. That became a real issue, and, with other things, eventually led to the break up. So I can see the other side of the argument as well. I don’t think it was actually the porn that did it though, that guy was just a douche.
I think that in the cases where porn becomes an addiction, that it is a symptom, and not perhaps the cause. For example, in marriages in which porn has become a problem, it is a problem because it is substituting for real interaction. In this case, I think that the partner with the porn issue would probably find some other way of avoiding intimacy if porn were not available. And FWIW, as someone who has studied the ancient world for many years, porn has been rampant throughout all societies and at all times.
I watch porn. He watches porn. sometimes together, sometimes apart. I think for him, it’s as much as an arousal thing as a zoned out thing. Sometimes he’ll flip through a porn site, because it helps him relax. I’m OK with this. We have a very healthy sex life and fantasy life and I trust him. I don’t think porn is cheating, but I understand lying about it or doing it when you know it upsets your partner can be a betrayal.
I think arguments about porn are often more complicated. Does she feel jealous? Is she insecure? Does he do it simply because he’s not supposed to?
The only thing to do is really TALK and LISTEN. Try to respect the other partners opinion if you can and figure out why it’s a problem.
I know porn isn’t for everyone. But, I know my man chooses to be with me, share his life with me, even if he enjoys porn without me.
My husband watching porn is not the problem its the lying about it and the fact that it effects my sex life (or lack of). I have to same problem as other women, he will watch porn and have a, ahem,personal moment instead of having sex with me. And I am not one of those don’t touch me women, I am more of a touch me as often as you can without the kids knowing kind of woman. I tell him regularly he can watch it, hell I’ll watch it with him, but don’t lie about it and let it interfere with our sex life. He just doesn’t seem to get it.(No pun intended)
Sorry to hear that…If I was married and had a wife as willing as you are I would be all over you like white on rice. Still I cant help but think the only problem here is porn. In all seriousness I hope you can talk about ti or get counseling before this small tumor metastasizes and consumes your marriage!
Thanks Kenny. Most men would love an ever ready wife but not him. He has never had the sex drive that I do, from the beginning. I did (and sometimes still do) think that its a problem with me and have tried to talk to him about it and he doesn’t understand why I feel this way. Our sex life has improved in the last few months, and there has been less redtube (my husband is a fan) on the browser history so I’m really not sure what the deal is. Now my mind is wondering again
I think it is important to state that there really is such a thing as sex addiction and that can include and typically starts with porn. As a wife facing a divorce after a fifteen year marriage to a sex addict I also caution against minimizing a person’s discomfort with their spouse’s porn usage.
I don’t have an issue with porn actually. I’ve been known to indulge from time to time. However, just like any substance or activity when done to excess it can become detrimental to a marriage. When taken to addictive levels, even something as seemingly harmless as a little porn, can be devastating.
Check out the websites of S-anon, COSA, etc and you’ll see just a glimpse of the destruction that sex addiction can cause.
Respectfully,
Wife of a sex addict
This is a good point. If your partner is watching porn to such an extreme that they are ignoring other parts of their life (job, kids, relationships), spending stupid amounts of money on it, or showing distinct changes in mood, you might want to talk to some professionals on what steps you should take because they’re probably addicted.
Porn is just not something I get worked up about, and I have a hard time understanding why some women are “hurt” by their partner looking at it. It’s just so different from my thought process that I can’t wrap my head around it.
Personally, I would have a hard time giving up something that I didn’t think my husband had a rational reason for wanting me to give it up. But maybe we just haven’t come across anything in our relationship that would be the equivalent of porn to some people and that’s why I have a hard time understanding it.
My boyfriend used to (and who am I kidding.. probably still does) watch porn. I asked him to stop because he was only watching women masturbate. I found that a bit odd.
It, in my mind, became that he was turned on by that woman… rather than with regular, two-people, porn.. being turned on by the sex-action.
I nearly broke up with him after he directly lied to me about it.
I watch porn… but I find something awkwardly intimate almost if it’s just a video of some guy masturbating. Sex I can totally handle. Masturbation videos.. not so much.
It’s the reaction of the woman masturbating. The reaction to the stimuli is more real than normal porn, usually, so the sounds/faces/movements she makes are more genuine and, therefore, more arousing than some woman making fake sex noises.
It’s not about intimacy at all. Just legitimacy of the reactions.
I thinly biggest concerns with it stem from some things the guys said. First, guy 1 said that his dads magazines don’t do it for him anymore. That sounds like most addiction I know. Over time were desensitized and need more to get the same response.
Second, guy 2 said that they don’t have sex as much because they fight about the habit. Your partner should come before it. Period.
The biggest reason I don’t like my hubby watching it is more of an insecurity thiNg for me. I am fine trying new things he sees but I don’t look like a porn star nda would rather he not be thinking ‘she doesn’t do it like the girl in the video’ and comparing.
Why do you need foreplay and arousal without you spouse?
If he loves you, why would he ever think that you don’t compare? That’s like being insecure that your daughter thinks mommy doesn’t look like her Barbie dolls. Those women are not real. They’re being paid.
Your husband is not an idiot. He knows porn is scripted and the women are made-up and usually surgically altered. He also know that porn is not real life and doesn’t expect it to be. Is he insecure when you watch a romance movie and gush because he’s not Ryan Renolds? Probably not. Because he knows it’s not real. He loves you because you are real. He doesn’t come to you for the same reasons he watches porn just like you don’t go to him for the same reasons you watch romance movies.
Porn used to bother me, so did strip clubs and the whole nine yards.
Now I could care less for the most part overall. However it wasn’t porn that destroyed my marriage, it was web cam chats. VERY expensive web cam whores, that were anywhere from $5.00/$20.00 a minute. Yes you read that correctly!
My now ex husband, who was un-employed would take the money he had for bills and spend it on them instead. All the while thinking that I didn’t know until I came home early from a trip and seen a whole lot more then I bargained for! So that’s where I draw the line. I know he has an addiction, however don’t you dare spend all of MY money on them and not touch me at all. Christ why pay for it at all?
Porn has yet to become a topic of conversation in my relationship.
I’m sure he looks at porn, but it doesn’t bother me in the least. I haven’t even asked.
I look at porn and pictures now and then, mostly out of pure curiosity. I am rather innocent when it comes to actual sex, but I know a lot. Does that make sense? I also read some of the more risqué genres of romance novels – I guess that can be considered porn? I lean more toward the fantasy side than the realistic. It’s an imagination exercise for me.
I must say it satisfies me. I don’t need sex. As long as my brain is stimulated I’m good to go. Even without it I’m fine. This kind of leaves the boyfriend out of the loop. It’s not that I don’t like sex or that I don’t get anything out of it, I do! I just don’t -need- it. Is this normal?
Also, living through my imagination by reading or watching is safe.
The reality of sex kind of grosses me out what with the sweating and various juices and the smells. I’m not sure how to describe it, and I can’t get past it to want to have sex more.
It’s my own issue, and I have yet to figure out a way to fix it.
I agree with you. Sex is gross. I mean, I love having it with my fiance, but I don’t want to have it all the time if for no other reason than I am dirty and sweaty and smell bad afterward. You are not alone. I don’t need sex either. I do it to make him happy and to feel close to him in that way. You’re not weird, don’t feel bad.
I don’t know what the big deal is about porn. There’s a difference between banging and making love. Girls get their rocks off by watching crappy romance movies, guys get theirs off by watching naked breasts. I love porn – it’s great. Sometimes it’s educational and gives me ideas to use later, sometimes it’s pathetic and hilarious. I watch it with my fiance and without him. He does, too. Sometimes you just need some physical release. But when I want that emotional attachment, I turn to him, because I love him. That’s what matters, I feel.
Although, I have been masturbating since I was young and have a very open view of sexuality and why it is a normal and healthy part of life. I could see how many women (and some men) have social, religious, or emotional stigmas associated with sexuality which would make porn something dirty. For me, it’s just as vapid as reality TV – just with more naked.
I tried watching porn with my husband, HE was very uncomfortable.
Well, my boyfriend and I ‘trade’ porn. I like the kinkier stuff, funnily enough, and he likes a few specific types, so if he finds one he thinks I’ll enjoy, he’ll send it to me, and vice versa. It always leads to sharing more about our wants/desires, and helps foster discussions about what brings us pleasure, that otherwise we might be too shy to bring up. I love finding a really good one for him and knowing he’ll be totally shocked and enjoy himself.
“It’s not real. It’s just porn.”
A few commenters have said things along these lines. Well… unless you are talking about animated porn (which I have never seen, but in this world we live in… it probably exists), then yes, it is real. Those are real women. Somewhere in the world, they live somewhere, get up in the morning, brush their teeth, just like the rest of us. They are someone’s daughter. Maybe someone’s sister or mother. They may be surgically enhanced, but they are real women. Your husband or boyfriend are not being aroused by something that’s “not real”–they are being aroused by someone who is very real, even if she isn’t in the same room as him.
And I have heard/read that a ridiculously high percentage of women who work in the porn industry were sexually abused as little girls. So think about that the next time you watch it. Normal, healthy, emotionally-whole people do not choose to have sex for money, not in a one-on-one setting as common prostitutes nor for an internet audience of millions.
I would be so uncomfortable with this. I know im not the only girl who’s insecure with her body and has images of “perfect” women crammed down her throat every day. I wouldn’t want my boyfriend looking at women who’s bodies’ are much nicer than mine. I’m already insecure and it’d make me feel compared to or inferior.
Also, I find it awful that this man sneaks around to watch porn. If you truly care about your partner and her feelings, why would you do something you KNOW makes her uncomfortable? If it “keeps you from cheating” then in my opinion, you shouldn’t be in a long term relationship. Your partner should be all you need.
If she’s okay with it it’s a completely different story.
I used to be very intimidated by it when I was younger, but I’ve matured and learned that both women and men look at it for different reasons. But, yeah, the self-conscious factor is the main aspect of looking or not looking.
Sometimes I ask myself if *I’m* developing a problem with it! Is it because I’m a little older, and a little more self-assured now with myself? That I’m in my prime? It was a long, painful road to get where I am today regarding my appearance. My inner self hasn’t caught up to my outer self as quickly, but I do cut myself some slack.
My then-husband had an addiction to it, and it definitely was a big contributor to our divorce, but there were other issues as well. One of the reasons I was so mad at him about it was that our daughters were very young, and he would NOT hide it when he was home with them and I was out. The girls told me about it after a while. THAT is extremely damaging to girls and very selfish of him. But I’ve learned that men are oh so much more selfish than women are in that respect – their hard-on is a big, f-ing deal, and it should be a big, f-ing deal to the woman or women around them.
To the men who are reading this – yes, we women understand that sex is so much more important to you than it is to some of us, but YOU need to compromise and do for your woman what she always does for you – take feelings and issues into consideration, and give to her so she can trust you. Trust you alone, trust you alone with the kids in the house … the wife/girlfriend is wired to think, to consider, to ‘do’ .. and the man takes advantage of that. How many times have we all heard in couple discussions about the guy stating “I’m fine – I don’t have any hang-ups — it’s my wife/girlfriend who does. She is nagging me to go to couple/marriage counseling, but I don’t need it. I know myself. I know where I stand. I’m good. She’s the one whose f***ed up.” Men need to put the wife and the kids ahead of his ‘needs’ to work on The Big Picture. If a man keeps slipping, or just won’t, then he needs to re-evaluate just what is really important in his life, and do something about it.
That being stated – as I mentioned earlier – yeah, I find myself looking at porn a little more than I usually do, but I’ve been out of an in-person relationship for a while. My long-distance boyfriend and I have to make do until the next trip to be together. So, we send each other porn clips and pictures that depict what we want to do together! How’s that for you?! His looking at that in no way bothers me, and I will get the delicious brunt of it during our next trip. He’s very charged about porn not bothering me, and and considers himself very fortunate with me — says I’m a Keeper. When we’re together, we will watch it together, and use it to fuel the excitement. We’re very fortunate to be in the same comfortable place with each other, with this, and at this time of our lives.
I typed a lot, so I wasn’t able to see near the margin, because my window to type in wasn’t big enough, so please, forgive any spelling, punctuation, wrong word, etc.
There’s more to porn use than a woman who’s “insecure”, “jealous”, etc. The harms of pornography use are insidious. Do some research into the neuroscience of the ills it causes.
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