This is me. The real me.
That is the raw and unedited version of me.
But, of course, I would never actually put that on the Internet for the world to see (except for today). I only put my best face forward. The face of five years ago. The face that actually got a full night’s rest before I began to breed like it was some sort of Olympic sport.
The face that I think see in the mirror.
You see, I have reverse body dysmorphia disorder. I think I am just hot-to-trot, until I see a photo of myself.
When I see a photo of myself, I am like, Crap! DOWN SHOTS PEOPLE, DOWN SHOTS!
And then when they do a down shot, I am like, shit, is that really what I look like?
I look soooo… tired.
So then? Then I fix it. And, for about $30 per year, you can fix your pictures as well.
I love Picnik. Picnik is a magical place where even the dullest folks can make some magic happen. I am pretty sure the site is run by Leprechauns.
Let me take you through it step-by-step…
ONE: Upload your photo.
TWO: Go to “Create” and then to “Touch Up”.
THREE: Pick “Wrinkle Remover”. Ladies, this is your new best friend. Let’s focus on this. I am going to do some screen shots below to demonstrate.
Zoom in on the photo in the bottom left corner. Let’s do my eyes first.
You can see my settings on the left. My brush size is 60, and the fade is at 12%. Just take your mouse and swoop over those wrinkles, girls. It may look weird at first, but we are about to work that out.
Once you are done, press the “Apply” button. Don’t be scared, you can always undo anything in the top left corner.
FOUR: Airbrursh out any pores by selecting the “Airbrush” feature under “Touch Ups”.
Airbrushing will also even out skin tones and blend things that you have done together. I always tone this down a bit. So make your brush a bit smaller, and fade it out more.
Don’t forget to hit “Apply”!
FIVE: Get rid of that double chin with the “Wrinkle Remover”.
Make your brush smaller, and zoom in to make sure you are accurate. Just swipe that line away.
SIX: Watermark your stuff so people can’t steal it and pretend like your pretty mug belongs to them.
Watermarking is easy. All bloggers should do this, as well as those on Facebook and Flickr.
Simply add text and fade it out so as not to distract from your photo.
If you have a website, just use your site address. If you don’t have a site, then use your name. Really, you are protecting yourself. There are a lot of CAH-RAZIES out there, and you don’t want them to pretend like your kids are theirs.
SEVEN: Crop that photo!
Have a dirty house in the background? Want to take that ex-boyfriend out of there? Does your shoulder look awkward like mine does? CROP IT OUT!
You can move your watermark around after you crop. So don’t worry about that thing if you think you are chopping it off.
Those are the basics.
You can also make yourself thinner. I always stay within 25% thinner, or else you end up looking like a Cone Head. I did not do that to this photo. I think taking out that double chin made me look dramatically better.
I did do an advanced move. I am not sure if you noticed, but I had a hair across my chest, and I took that out. I am going to share this last, because it is a bit confusing, and I think just those basics will be enough to get you going.
But, for the advanced, here you go…
CLONING: Make one part of the photo the same as another.
Cloning is great for adding leaves to trees, taking out power lines, making an arm thinner, or removing a hair that is out of place. It takes some practice.
You need to take the first circle, and place it on what you want to clone. Click your mouse. Take the second circle and put it over what you want to remove (in this case the hair). Drag your mouse over what you want to remove and it fills that area with the clone circle’s area.
So I am removing the hair by going over my chest in an area that is of similar color and has no hair. It is best to do this in small areas at a time.
Okay, so now I am all done.
May I present to you…
THE HEAD SHOT THAT I USE FOR EVERYTHING!