Sometimes I get so annoyed with my sisters. They just don’t know what it’s like. You see, they are both members of the group of kids who got to stay on their parent’s insurance long after the people of my age group were unceremoniously dumped. I was just 20 years old when I was forced off of my dad’s insurance plan.
After I was dropped from my healthcare plan I was without insurance for a long time. I was working 2 jobs, 50-70 hours a week and just trying to do the best by myself. Unfortunately, my best did not include insurance coverage. I was healthy, so I did what anyone else in my position would do: I told everyone I knew that unless an artery was cut and I was bleeding out to NOT take me to the hospital, and I went to Planned Parenthood for the birth control I relied on. I was young and stupid, but I knew that being young and stupid and pregnant was not something I wanted.
For the three years between leaving undergrad and starting in law school me and my maybe 17k in income relied on Planned Parenthood for my only source of healthcare. I couldn’t afford a $300 per month insurance premium and $10,000 deductible but I was happy to fork over the $20 “copay” they determined I could provide and $7 per month for my Ortho-Tri Cyclen pills. So once a month I would head over to the closest Planned Parenthood office and pick up my birth control and all was well.
One month, I was really late in picking it up. I had to start a new pack on Sunday and didn’t get around to going to the office until Friday. My boyfriend, now husband, and I shared a car, and were both headed to work so he drove me. We completely and totally forgot what Friday meant at this particular Planned Parenthood on this particular college campus.
Friday was the day they scheduled the abortions. As we drove up I saw a line of angry protesters with hateful signs and hard-set mouths ready to sling accusations at me. I wanted to turn around and not go that day. But if I didn’t I wouldn’t start my pack on time and the whole cycle would be screwed up. So we pressed on, and in hindsight, I am so glad we did because it taught me a lot.
We drove through the entrance, and just as I suspected, we were yelled at by a mob of people (it was probably only 4 or 5, but believe me it felt like a mob). I just asked my husband if he could remember what they said, because all I could remember was feeling so little. I wanted to shout, “I’m just here to get my birth control! You don’t even know me!” but I was paralyzed by their hatred for why they thought I was there.
I was shaking when we got into the parking lot, but decided to go in on my own. There were likely to be a number of women inside the building for very private reasons that day, and I wanted to protect them by having my boyfriend wait in the car. The entrance to the front hallway was open, but they only admitted people in to the lobby one at a time after identifying why they were there.
When I got inside, I realized there were quite a few women waiting. Some were probably like me and in for some reason other than to get an abortion, but most were probably there to terminate a pregnancy. Some didn’t looked phased at all; this was just any other procedure. Some looked like they came to this decision after a great deal of soul-searching.
I vividly remember the young girl in front of me in line. She was a tiny woman who, from the little I tried not to hear, was not native of this country. I came up with a bunch of scenarios in my head for what brought her there that day. I couldn’t help it; she struck a chord in me.
I’ve been very opinionated from a young age and have had my mind made up about how I felt about abortion for a long time. But that day I really got a glimpse past the political ideology of it all and saw through to the women who came to that choice on their own. I saw that woman and realized I have no idea who she was or what she had gone through. I can never understand, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t try.
Ever since that day I’ve tried to focus less on sweeping statements and more on individual impact. I believe what I believe, and you believe what you believe and that is OK, fantastic even because it means we live in a society that allows us to express that.
But when it comes down to the people, can’t we all agree just to cut one another a little slack? To realize we will all live our own lives in the best way we can, and make the best choices available to us based on our own circumstances?
I really try to live my life with an eye towards people, to dole out compassion and sympathy and withhold judgment. No one deserves any less than that. Certainly none of the women I saw that day nor the countless numbers who have come after them.
That day may not have been some huge formative event in my life, but it changed me, and I’m so glad that it did. And I dearly hope that relaying my experiences will speak to a few of you as well.
Brandi is a lawyer in Denver who spends very little time actually lawyering. She can usually be found working for free at a non-profit, hiking up mountains, or bossing her husband around because he made the mistake of asking her for help with his business one time. She’s horribly technologically inept (unless people still use AIM in which case she’s a genius) and takes one bite out of every donut instead of finishing a single donut in its entirety, which is probably a metaphor for something but she hasn’t figured out what it is yet. You can read more from Brandi on her blog, Randi Nickle.
Hi Brandi. Thanks for your thoughts and insight. This is such a hard topic no matter how you look at it. It’s emotionally tragic to go through with it, but that’s also the case if you don’t, because as you said it’s all a matter of brought a person to that place where a choice was required. When you’re talking on the level of a nation I believe it’s our responsibility to prevent senseless tragedy, but not at the cost of freedom either. I truly believe freedom is the most important thing we have to fight for as a nation; freedom to choose what is best for me (which consequently involves freedom to choose whether or not to have health insurance, freedom to choose to own a gun, and many other aspects). I think that abortion really can be boiled down as a debate topic to the concept of when life actually takes place. Does it happen when the egg is fertilized, or is it when the head pops out through a miracle of birth, or is it somewhere in between? Everyone believes something different in this regard; Christians tend to believe it’s at conception when the egg is fertilized, while others believe it’s at birth, and yet some think that sperm itself should be considered life and respected. Since we live in a nation of many peoples, a hard and fast rule on this is impossible. You could right 900 pages of legislation and fall terribly short of addressing the issue. My personal beliefs would never allow me to go through with an abortion, but I believe life happens some where around 2 weeks after the egg is fertilized, around when pain becomes something possible for the new life. I understand why other people believe differently, and I can totally respect that. Each of us is responsible for ourselves, and whether or not we drag others down with us or build them up by our actions. This is why standing in a picket line shouting at a girl who has found herself in a desperate situation isn’t helping anyone. Any time you see someone falling short of your idea of hope and love, simply introduce them to hope and love. Maybe that day would have been different if people were shouting, “Don’t fear, your life has great purpose!” Or something about how no matter what we do in this life we are loved and accepted by a gracious and forgiving Father (I can only assume that the people shouting were extremist Christians, the likes of which can be just as terrible as any other extremist). I believe it’s my duty to teach my kids, and any others that are in the scope of my life’s impact, to seek out a lifestyle that loves and honors. You really do have the choice to take actions that lead you to planned parenthood one day, or you live a lifestyle that means only those items out of your control might bring you there (rape, incest, terrible disease, likelihood of mother and child dying at birth, and more). Again. Thanks for your thoughts. It’s a deep and heartfelt issue with so many people.
Thanks so much for your comment Aaron. Sometimes I find myself thinking of this place as by women for women, so it’s nice to see a man not only read, but comment, and take me out of that little bubble.
I too believe that the issue is incredibly complex and deep with as many opinions as there are people in this country. And while the life argument may be the “easiest” or most sound-bitable I don’t think it is the only thing the abortion debate boils down to. In fact, I recently read this article (http://www.salon.com/2013/01/23/so_what_if_abortion_ends_life/) where a woman takes an entirely different stance. Agree with her or not I think it’s interesting to see people address the issue in a deeper way. One that invites discourse.
Anyway, thanks again for stopping by and taking the time to add your thoughts.
Brandi, thanks for the link. The author mostly sticks to the standard arguments, a woman’s right to choose and the point at which life begins. That was mostly my point in saying that arguments around abortion typically boil down to when it begins. Overall, I mostly found the article to be normal and reiterative. While I’m personally against abortion, I don’t hold it into account when making political choices, because I’m of the same mind as you; people make choices, and freedom to the individual is more important (even in matters of gun control and drinking large sodas). At what point do our personal “rights” as a person infringe on others’ “rights”? In the case of smoking, personal freedom was taken away because it endangered the lives of the masses, according to the government. I really don’t see that abortion even comes close smoking when you consider just the number of persons impacted. With smoking it’s everyone around while the cigarette is lit. With abortion it’s the mother and the child (admittedly there is a large impact on the father of the child, and immediate relatives). Look at the number of people who die from cancer from tobacco use. If abortion were illegal I don’t see this helping anyone either. Personal freedom is willy nilly with the government. Guns and soda have virtually no impact in our society, while cars and illness and even deer do. More people die from deer every year than guns. Half a million people died in 2008 from tobacco related illness, and in the same year there were 1.21m abortions. None of these laws come together to make sense of the value of human life. The government is the last place to look for a standard on the value on human life. Likewise, they are the last place to look for an example of freedom or a person’s right to choose. We each have to live the life we were given. Some believe they’ll be judged on their actions, some don’t. Is a person any better because they chose right in knowledge of judgement? Don’t we all slow down when we see a cop? I think most people’s intentions are wrong. A person can’t be forced to not have an abortion because of a God they don’t believe in, and likewise, a person who believes in God will live their life the best they understand. It’s the crazies, the ones who scream at girls going into planned parenthood, the people who think that there’s no limit to personal freedom and they should be able to do whatever they want because it’s their “right.” Those people scare me. People like you and I, who differ in opinion, but can sensibly talk and appreciate different view points without wishing death on another, are who I like to be around.
This was a great article, Brandi…and I thank you for writing it.
But, you make me want to ask a question that has been bothering me for a long time.
Christians, Catholics. Anti abortion for religious reasons, most of them. Fair statement?
I do not know your religion, nor am I asking. I am inquiring about this statement:
“I’ve been very opinionated from a young age and have had my mind made up about how I felt about abortion for a long time.”
Obviously, from the rest of the article, I have deduced that you have an anti abortion stance. Supposedly, sex is for conception purposes only. Explain to me why it is okay to have pre-marital sex (against catholic/christian belief) and take birth control (against catholic/christian belief), but the moment abortion comes up, HOLY HOCKEY STICKS…you’re going to burn in hell. Forever.
I am not asking YOU, specifically. I am asking the generalized “you” that perhaps you represent a part of. I am not snarking. I am not chastising. I am not condemning. I am not slandering. I am making an honest, legitimate inquiry about something I simply have never been able to get a straight answer to by any of my catholic/christian friends who get hypersensitive, because they fear I am accusing them of hypocrisy. As a Jew, I have no knowledge of this other than what I read from my catholic/christian friends. When I ask if that could be considered hypocritical, they get intensely and insanely angry, which of course, I do not want.
I just want to understand the difference.
If you don’t want to address this question here, I am fine with that and would more than welcome an email from you, but I am hoping that you and other readers of CGG weigh in on this. I would love to have a better comprehension of this.
For the record, and in the interest of full disclosure, I am not pro abortion, but I am pro choice. I do feel that abortion should be the LAST alternative, as there are thousands of couples who would love to adopt. However, if a woman feels she is not strong enough to make that choice, to know that she will have a child who may come looking for her one day, then I support wholly her right as the carrier of fetus, to make her decision based on her life situation. I have had an abortion. I made a decision which I stand by today. However, I have also chosen to never do that again, should the need arise. It taught me to be FAR more careful and cautious with the decisions I make and to treat my body with much more respect than I had done during the “young and dumb” years that we all go through.
Thanks for your consideration and again, great article. I think it is wonderful that you took the time to take the individual into consideration as opposed to just slamming down a fist on a desk and saying, Blasphemers! All of you!
There is no blanket statement to cover all situations. We are individuals with very unique situations. I am grateful you walked into that PP that Friday…as I feel you were enlightened, and perhaps, become a better person for it (not stating you weren’t awesome before, just stating that any time we learn and grow, we are better for it.)
/blather.
Hi Cher,
Thank you so much for your comment. This topic is certainly one that often divides people quite fiercely, and I had hoped that in writing it people would see that in the end grand ideologies really just come down to individuals living life and making choices.
I really wanted this to not be about my opinion. I actually took out a sentence that stated what I believe about abortion, because I wanted this to be more general and far-reaching. However, I have no qualms rationally discussing my opinions. In fact, you deduced incorrectly. I am absolutely pro-choice, have been for a very long time, and most certainly was the day I walked into that PP. I believe quite strongly that I have no business making decisions for other women. Perhaps I took for granted that many who read here would have read my previous posts where it’s pretty obvious I tend towards the liberal. When I re-read this article this morning I commented to my husband that it could easily be read as my being anti-abortion. In writing it I hadn’t realized it could be perceived that way as I came into it with my own experience and understanding of myself.
Because of that, I can’t really answer your question, but I welcome any friendly conversation if there is someone who would like to address it. And even though I grew up in a pretty religious household I always sort of railed against that part of my upbringing and never really took it into myself, so I don’t feel comfortable answering questions about what Christians or Catholics think, as I don’t identify as either. Also, as I pointed out I tend to think that blanket statements about any group aren’t extremely helpful.
I had sex before marriage, I took birth control, and I don’t think either of those things are wrong. I also don’t think that a woman choosing to have an abortion is wrong, if she decides that’s best. I’m older and stable now and wouldn’t make that choice for myself at the moment, but I can’t look someone in the eye and say with any sort of honesty that I wouldn’t seriously consider it had I gotten pregnant at other moments in my life.
So I’m sorry that I can’t be of any help in answering your questions, but I sincerely appreciate you taking the time to ask politely. Even though I don’t espouse the views you believed me to have, other readers probably do and in coming from a place of love and respect I don’t want any of them to feel trampled on.
Brandi
I’ve never read a post of yours before, Brandi, so no…i was not coming from a place of knowing who you were/ are. Having no prior knowledge of you at all, your article does sound like it was written by someone with pro life values who suddenly had a revelation, which is what i was hoping to have found, so someone could finally shine some light on my inquiry.
Thanks again for the article.
Hi Cher,
I’m no longer a Christian but I was one for most of my life. I left the church, in stages, over the last few years. During most of my time as a Christian I was pro-life. At my most devout point I believed that abortion was wrong even in cases of incest, rape, health dangers. I didn’t ever feel ok voting that way on behalf of other women and have never voted on the issue specifically or for many pro-life politicians (I was one of the evangelical liberal types & voted mostly Democrat until recent years when I vote mostly Green). I believed strongly (and still do) that the GOP has used abortion to guilt Christians into voting for their candidates, which disgusts me.
One thing to note is that not all Christians (including Catholics) believe you will go to hell for getting an abortion. Some Christians believe that it is sinful but that (as with any other sin), seeking forgiveness from God absolves one from the consequences of sin (hell, or eternal separation from God). Additionally, many Christians believe that once a person has committed their heart to Christ (via saying the salvation prayer or being baptized or being confirmed in the Church, etc), there is nothing they can ever do that can send them to hell. The following admonishment must be that this doesn’t mean one can sin with impunity, rather that a Christian who is constantly terrified of sin sending them to hell is putting their energies in the wrong place. So why not sin if it won’t send you to hell? Because it will still harm you. I was raised believing that God gave us rules to protect us, not to restrict us, the same way we give our children rules and boundaries.
So – abortion. I believed that pre-marital sex was wrong, a sin, just like abortion was a sin (because it’s considered murder and yes I was anti-war, anti-death penalty), just like lying was a sin. I believed abortion harmed many people, not just the baby (though most pro-life folks I know focus on the babies), it harmed the mother and father, the extended families, the community. I wasn’t blind to the desperation one might feel with an unplanned pregnancy or rape or health issue. In fact, during the couple years during college when Jesus and I were “on a break”, I had myself some sex and ended up pregnant. I’d just turned 21, my boyfriend (now husband) and I had only been dating 2 months, I was supposed to be figuring out my major, not how to be a mother. For a variety of reasons (including my religious beliefs), I chose to have the baby. I considered abortion and then for months into my pregnancy I prayed I’d fall down some stairs or get in a minor car accident or something so it would go away but I wouldn’t have to be the one to do it.
That was our daughter, she’s 13 now. Then we got married & found out we were pregnant again – back to the terror. This time the baby had health issues and we were counseled by doctors to abort and by family to trust God for healing. We chose to have the baby and he’s a healthy 11 year old. When he was 6, we had our last child. We hadn’t planned for this one either, we’re finally getting on track financially, the marriage was rocky…by this time I was full-blown devout Christian & though the pregnancy was a huge stress, chose to keep the baby. He’s now 5.
I have a number of friends who were Christian, having pre-marital sex and got pregnant. Some aborted, some chose adoption, some kept the baby. The fear of going to hell may have been a factor for some of them, I’m really not sure, but most I know expressed being more influenced by “earthly” factors – how their decision would be regarded by their family, church, community…how it would affect their relationship with the father…whether they could support a child.
Some of my views about abortion have changed since leaving the Church. Because I no longer believe in God, or a God whose “ways” are best for us NO MATTER WHAT, I no longer trust that everything will “work together for the good of those called according to His purpose”. This concept means that even if we can’t see how, even if we never see it come to fruition in this lifetime, God WILL use our difficulties for good in some way if we will trust & obey him. I no longer believe that, but for those who do, that can mean that even if you were raped or even if the docs say the birth will kill you or even if you can’t afford diapers much less daycare, a home, etc – if you will just have your baby the way God wants you to, somehow it will all work out…in “the end”.
Anyway. There’s a ton of complexity to Christianity and everyone who is pro-life doesn’t think he’ll is the consequence for an abortion. Many want to honor God’s boundaries and believe that abortion is gravely harmful to many, even when it looks like the right choice. I no longer believe this but I did for a long time.
Ashley,
Thank you so much for this. I found it incredibly interesting and enlightening. It is so complex and I think painting “Christians” with a broad brush stroke is as absurd as painting the rest of humanity with one. Beliefs are personal and individual to everyone. I really appreciate you taking the time to leave such a thoughtful and insightful comment.
As I stated in my other comment I grew up in a very religious household but didn’t learn any of these intricacies because I knew from a young age that I didn’t agree with most of what I was being taught. I do wish I had taken the time to learn the why behind those things though. So again, I say thank you.
Hey, no problem. It’s funny that even though I’m no longer a Christian I still feel pulled to shed light on why Christians believe certain things. It’s a strange place to be, frankly, but for now it’s where I rest (mostly) comfortably.
I was raised in Wichita, KS, which was the center of the abortion debate in the late 80s, early 90s, and is where Dr. Tillman was murdered (in the church my dad goes to). I was raised by moderately liberal parents in a conservative city/state . . . most of the people I know who think all Christians (or conservatives) are ___ or all liberals (or non-Christians) are ___ have not spent much time getting to know people in those groups. I appreciate the opportunity to show some of what drives some of conservative Christianity to believe and behave as they do. I certainly don’t agree with much of it but there’s so much more to their point of view than many understand. Many, many of the Christians I know who are staunch pro-lifers struggle mightily with this issue because of the conflict between the realities of today’s world and what they believe they’re told to uphold in their religion. They believe what they believe but how to best act on the beliefs is the tough part. How can they best show love and what does that look like?
Ashley,
Thank you so much for at least attempting to take on my question. I’ve often wondered about what i asked but could never find anyone brave enough to even attempt to take it on and offer discussion in a respectful manner. Either that, or they would take offense, make it about themselves or, decline me altogether.
You gave me some great insight and i appreciate the way you handled it very much. We all have a lot to learn from each other. You taught me a lot today.
Thanks for being a fearless woman and willing to share your perspective… understanding that my question came from a place that was pure without preconceptions.
Women like you make the world a better place for future generations of girls.
So, I’m pro-choice, to put it plainly. I’m liberal, I’m feminist, and I believe in our civil rights.
So, I believe that everyone has the right to practice the religion of their choice and worship whatever god/God they want. And if you (not YOU, Brandi, but the generic/anonymous you) believe that abortion is murder, and abortion is a sin, that’s cool. That is your right as an American citizen.
What is NOT your right: imposing your religious beliefs on me, either forcibly or through legislation, because in the US we have something called freedom of religion. Nearly everyone who is anti-abortion (including commenters above) indicates that their anti-abortion views are driven by their religious beliefs; therefore, trying to impose your views regarding abortion on the rest of the populace is in violation of my civil rights.
I won’t stomp on your rights to believe what you want; it’s my right not to have my beliefs stomped upon, either.
See, that is really what’s at stake here: civil rights. The issue is not whether abortion is right or wrong, as much as anti-abortionist activists would try to make the debate about right/wrong/life/death. And what has happened to us? Why can’t we allow people to live their own lives? Why are extremists on the right trying turn our country into a nanny-police state?
Either everyone has civil rights, or no one has civil rights. The anti-abortion movement seeks to retain their own right to personal freedom, while simultaneously restricting the rights of others. And that’s what I don’t understand. I can understand and respect the belief that abortion is wrong based on religious convictions. But I don’t understand how anyone can endorse the systematic oppression of other people.
I absolutely agree that everyone has the right to believe anything they want. In fact, the vast majority of my family differs from me ideologically. Quite extremely I might add. However, we all have great love for each other and don’t let our difference in opinion ruin that. That’s really what this essay was all about. Realizing that the people are what counts. That no matter what else if we should embrace every individual and support them. Because we’re all just people, living in this world and trying our best.
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