Some Like It Curvy: Sex Videos

by Meredith on November 16, 2012

in Sex & Relationships

Do you know what Curvy Girl Guide needed? A little more sex.

That’s what our new column, Some Like It Curvy, will be bringing to you. No topics are off limits, and all questions are great questions. We welcome you to make this a place of acceptance, advice, and sisterhood. A place where we get down to the nitty-gritty (pun totally intended) and talk about what we’re all doing (and sometimes not doing)… having sex!

Over there is a giant picture of me naked. I want you all to feel comfortable with me as we dive right into our first topic.

You’re welcome.

Sex Videos: Yay or Nay?

The world is divided, and the reason we chose this topic to kick things off is because Google puts the words “should I make a sex video” up there pretty high. (Clearly we are seeking out the advice of the internet on this topic.)

It is my opinion that if you share something special with your partner, and this makes you both hot and heavy for each other, then who are we to judge? I am sure I am turned on by things in the bedroom that would make most women (and some men) blush. But my husband, he totally loves watching me go crazy, and for him these things are really no big deal.

I like is a good porno. I don’t know what it is, but I just like to watch people on TV have sex while I am also having sex.

Have I ever made my own sex video? Nope.

Would I ever make my own sex video? Nope.

My personal reasons are super simple.

I suck at technology control.

I know I would probably be watching a video of me that was probably recorded on my iPhone, and I would accidently tweet it out to 3,500 people. That’s just my luck.

I know this to be true because I used to like to send my husband naughty (and I mean super naughty) photos of myself when I would find myself out of town on business. I would take the picture and send it from my cell phone - to his cell phone. Little did I know, the iCloud streams photos to all connected Apple devices. The photo stream was turned on all of our Apple devices, and these photos were connecting to my children’s iPods. Whoopsies! Don’t mind Mommy, she’s just missing Daddy.

This is what I mean. Even if you absolutely can trust the person you are with to never show anyone ever, it may just slip out like Nancy Grace’s nipple. And no one wants to see that. At least no one wants to see my huge nipples, although I am hearing there is a fetish for that sort of thing.

I spoke to a group of girlfriends at the last GNO, and they told they would never record a sex video either. However, they all had different reasons.

The noises don’t sound the same.

Those sexy moans and groans that you’re hearing when you’re banging it out? Yeah. Those sound way different from across the room.

I don’t want to get too gross on you gals, but good golly. Women make some super weird noises. And there is no sound guy in the room to yell, “Cut!” like he would in a regular porno.

Plus, the lighting is just going to be all wrong.

Boys like to show these things off.

Let’s just face it. Boys can be really dumb sometimes.

I know this to be true because I work with a bunch of boys, and I have a bunch of brothers, and they have made comments about seeing so-and-so’s girlfriend having sex. They have seen so-and-so’s girlfriend, because so-and-so thought it was super cool and swore his buddies to secrecy.

But the boys cannot keep a secret! They wear this sex tape like a bandge of honor! Seriously. They cannot keep secrets. And they tell and show details like you would not believe.

Dirty boys.

What if you break up?

Breaking up sucks. And OMG, as a Scorpio, when you break up with me, I burn that freaking bridge to the ground! I tell you how much I’ve always hated your sister. I tell you that I think your best friend is really stupid. And I accuse of doing all sorts of things you never probably did during our relationship.

I do this because I am nuts and I think everyone is my soul mate, so I am super sad when it doesn’t work out.

Okay, so what happens when you have a bad break-up like this? I feel like bad break-ups are the reason every amateur porn has ever hit the internet. One word: vengeance.

Only make sex videos if you do it old school.

And by old school, I am not talking about missionary style. (If you’re going to make a sex video, you need to pull out your Olympic gymnast moves. After all, you’re the star of this movie.)

By old school, I mean, buy yourself a VHS video camera. Record that thing, lock it up in a safe, and sign a contract with one another that states: At anytime, one person or the other person can destroy this tape! The contract should also state that in the event of a break up, you both walk out into the driveway, and you light that thing on fire.

I may even get that contract notarized.

What do you think? Would you ever make one? If you have, was it a good or a bad experience?

brittany November 16, 2012 at 8:37 am

I would only do this if I could use that fuzzy camera filter Barbara Streisand has for all her tv interviews.

It’d also be great if you could just make it silent movie style. Like, with subtitles.

jenn November 16, 2012 at 9:27 am

Hahahaha, I can imagine the kind of subtitles a person could put on a sex tape….I’d go all Mystery Science Theatre 3000 on that

Meredith November 16, 2012 at 10:00 am

You lie. I totally shot one for you and Andy that one time with a Flip camera.

Nuala Reilly November 16, 2012 at 9:04 am

I made one once, many moons ago, with the hubs. We were nervous to watch it after, and then it both grossed us out (that camera added WAY more than ten pounds and some of the angles it accidentally caughter were NOT flattering) and made us laugh at the same time. We wound up destroying it, but I would never do it again. I’ve had the experience, I’m done. I think that can be said for a few choice things in the sex arena. Been there, tried that, done.
Nice kick-off article, Meredith.

Oh, and Brittany, wouldn’t it be great if you could convince celebrities to narrate or dub over your voices? I would only do it again if Morgan Freeman narrated it, Will Farrell did Shawn’s voice and Elizabeth Hurley did mine. LOL

Meredith November 16, 2012 at 10:01 am

Brittany always says, if I ever make a sex tape, people should just mute it. She thinks the Fargo accent would throw people off.

Nuala Reilly November 16, 2012 at 3:41 pm

Bwa ha ha….nah!!

Cindy November 16, 2012 at 9:24 am

Nope, I’d be too afraid to watch it – I am sure it doesn’t look like what I think it looks like. And I like my imagination world better. Also, I took pictures on a disposable YEARS ago – the disposable got lost before I got to develop it (I worked at a photo place so I wasn’t worried) and I have no idea where it is and who has it. Yikes!

jenn November 16, 2012 at 9:29 am

Totally agree about imagination vs. reality!

jenn November 16, 2012 at 9:25 am

we made one once, with a hand held recorder with the little mini tapes. it was actually kind of awkward during the sex, like all the focus was on holding the camera and getting the right angle. distracting. But AFTERWARDS… pretty hot to watch. but we ended up erasing it because we were just to worried about the “what ifs” of it being found

Brandi November 16, 2012 at 9:29 am

My husband and I did. Old school vhs recorder, just like you suggested lol While it’s not much of a turn on for me because all I can do is criticize myself (seriously, how can you feel like you’re so super hot in the moment, but actually look so gross?) But he loves it still, 5 years later. Would I do it again? Idk. Maybe with enough xanax and wine I could be convinced…

Meredith November 17, 2012 at 10:27 am

That’s awesome!

Angie November 16, 2012 at 9:34 am

Nope… no way..not doing it.
Hot sex is hot at the time and does not need an instant replay to maybe find out that what you thought was great, was meh. Leave the video booth and the judges to hockey and football.
And ya… those sounds and lighting and angles… probably not going to help. I’d rather live in the moment.
Besides, I’m a Scorpio too and have way too many burnt bridges in my past. So glad that none of them have a VHS tape under the rubble!

Meredith November 16, 2012 at 10:29 am

Don’t eff with a Scorpio.

Ashley November 16, 2012 at 10:29 am

I have, on an old school recorder and a few mini-movies on cell phones (like 30 seconds each).

I also do the pic thing and freaked out when I realized my phone was automatically loading them to my Photobucket account. Once I’ve had pics go to my Google+ account but thank God none of those were dirty. Now I make anything photo-related completely locked down so only I can see them.

My husband’s name is Vincent & it’s in my phone contact list right under TwitPic and there have been some near accidents when I’m sending pics to him . . .

Back to the movies – I didn’t really like watching them – I didn’t think we looked very attractive and the noises were weird. There were a couple alright moments but not enough to entice me to watch again. My husband loves them though. I could be convinced to make more videos but I don’t know if I’d ever want to watch them.

Meredith November 16, 2012 at 10:30 am

OMG! Google+ picks up photos?!

*falls off her chair*
*picks herself back up*
*logs into Google+ in a total panic*

Ashley November 16, 2012 at 11:11 am

0_0

Was all your business in the Google+ street?

Meredith November 17, 2012 at 10:26 am

No. Thank goodness. But it did ask me if I wanted to stream things and there were pictures there. I think G+ is the devil now. Maybe I should just ditch them all together. I feel like Google knows too much.

Lindy November 16, 2012 at 10:45 am

I’m a filmmaker and for the longest time I’ve wanted to make an erotic webseries for women – artfully done, focusing on the feeling of desire and being desired. And not shying away from the dirty bits either, as long as they’re hot. :-)

I could just imagine my hubs and I trying to record our steamy sessions – both of us fighting to direct the scene, lots of hot lights, waiting for airplanes to pass over so we get clean sound, and a poor camera guy trying to find and capture something others want to see.

I think we’ll stick to working with professional actors. Now if we could only find good actors who don’t mind having sex on camera… ;-)

Meredith November 16, 2012 at 2:36 pm

I think these actors are out there.

Allison Zapata November 16, 2012 at 11:06 am

I can’t do a video. For all the above-mentioned reasons, and because I can’t act “normal” if I know I’m being filmed. I would probably bust out the roger rabbit or the running man…and no one wants to see that shit naked on film.

Cindy November 16, 2012 at 1:18 pm

OMG, you just made me snort my coffee.

Mackenzie November 16, 2012 at 11:41 am

We’ve done it a couple time and always hit the erase button immediately after 1 watching. You the voyuer part, the performance part without all the risk.

Hannah November 16, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Videos? No. Mostly for the “I don’t want to see/hear what I really look/sound like” reasons.
Now pictures… Yes. I’m hoping to get some boudoir pics done before my husband deploys in January and I absolutely intend to send them with him. And some not-so-classy pics as well. Rawr ;-)

Meredith November 16, 2012 at 2:39 pm

Oh, yeah, dude. They ARE hot. You’re looking at one (of many) up there that I had done for Shaun last Christmas. I want more done this year. It was basically the best gift ever.

Michael November 16, 2012 at 12:54 pm

Never a video of intercourse, but a couple of foreplay that turned silly. My ex from high school (still close friends) asked if I still had it. I haven’t watched it in 7 years, but it’s still on the memory card of my old camcorder. (I should really get that from my mom’s house). Would I make one? I’d be willing, but I don’t think I’d ever use it, for good or for evil.

Now, I have a question that can ONLY be answered by a girl of the CURVY variety. And remember, you said all questions are great questions…
Grabbing love handles or ass fat while doin’ it doggie style, cause sometimes a guy could use a little leverage to “drive his point home.” Yay or nay?

C November 16, 2012 at 1:21 pm

To answer your question, in the moment, absolutely YAY. So hot. But I wouldn’t want to see that on video – too squooshy.

Meredith November 16, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Don’t you DARE grab any love handles. Ever. But the booty is fine.

Michael November 17, 2012 at 1:16 am

Woo hoo! Mixed responses! Obviously, I don’t expect it to be the same answer across the board. I guess I’ll stick to just the butt in the future, or I’ll at least ask what she prefers if it won’t ruin the moment. Thanks, y’all!

Meredith November 17, 2012 at 10:17 am

This is NOT how you ask, “Hey, can I grab your love handles for extra grip?”

Do not refer to them as love handles. Ever again. Get the term out of your vocabulary now.

Michael November 18, 2012 at 7:48 pm

LOL. I have a bit more tact than that. I was being intentionally coarse to go along with the tone of the question and related act. Likewise, I would never ever substitute “ass fat” into the above question either. My apologies if any offense was made.

Nancy November 16, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Someone needs to make filters for video. That would make this more feasible. Of course, we would spend 45 minutes picking the right filter- but we would look AMAZING.

Ashley November 16, 2012 at 4:17 pm

YES. If it was a little grainy or filmy I would be much more willing to watch myself.

Jen November 16, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Oh, we could all use more sex. Love this new feature. :-)

Meredith November 16, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Thanks, Jen!

Next week is all about NOT wanting to have sex and how to overcome that.

AngieM. November 16, 2012 at 3:42 pm

i’ll make a video..IF i could somehow filter it like instagram.
if not…no effin way!

Meredith November 17, 2012 at 10:25 am

Maybe that’s the next step for Instragram. You should email them.

SwingCheese November 16, 2012 at 4:40 pm

My husband and I discussed it once, when we were younger and thinner (and before we had a kid, so we actually looked well-rested). Only he insisted on having it filmed by a third party. And that’s where I balked. I did not want either one of his friends OR one of mine doing this. And he pointed out that without a third person filming, there would just basically be one static shot, no close-ups or anything, and he’s right: there wouldn’t be, and sometimes, the close-ups are the best part. So I conceded that he had a point, but I was not going to budge: no way did I want another person in the room with us. So we never made a video. And now, well, as many others have stated: I’m sure I’m not as hot as I think I am and I’m equally sure it feels a lot better than it would look on film.

Now I did exchange naughty pictures with a college bf once. And when we broke up, my only consolation is that he had a tendency to purge his life of all connections to previous gfs – he’d even throw away presents and stuff like that – so I’m reasonably sure his copies were tossed years ago. I, on the other hand, stuck mine away and totally forgot about them. So then my mom sent me a big box of stuff from college, and I stuck all the pictures in the top of our closet without looking at them. Then one day, I arrived home from work to see my husband grinning like the Cheshire Cat. He started telling me how he was cleaning out the closet (we were getting ready to move) and going through a bag of what he’d thought were his pictures when guess what he found! I was so, so, so embarrassed – but my husband thought it was HILARIOUS! He continued to give me a hard time until he left for work. I went over to a friends house and burned the pictures in her fire pit that very night. Mortifying. (Thankfully, he’s not brought it up since. He’s good like that ;)

Meredith November 17, 2012 at 10:24 am

Okay, I forgot to add this part, I found pictures of Shaun and his ex-wife and OMG I CANNOT UNSEE THEM.

They made me nutso for months.

Your husband is a better person than me.

K November 16, 2012 at 8:16 pm

My boyfriend has on occasion suggested making a video of us – and if he just wanted something special to beat off to when I’m not feeling like it, I might do it, but in general I’m not into the idea for two reasons:

1) I would feel the camera on me and be self-conscious, and then I’d feel self-conscious about being thrown off, ad infinitum, and it would ultimately not be a big deal for one session, but I doubt the authenticity of the video would be very good.

2) I would never ever want to see it because I think visual porn is the unsexiest thing ever. Every time I see pictures or video of people having sex, I just think it looks strange, awkward, and exposes the body in the least attractive ways. I wouldn’t want to see that image of myself or my boyfriend because I worry it would come to mind while we were actually having sex and spoil it for me. For me, sex is only sexy in the first person perspective.

At any rate, we don’t have a videocamera. I hadn’t thought about the cameraman aspect, but I don’t think having another person in the room would bother me more than the camera itself.

Meredith November 17, 2012 at 10:22 am

Great thoughts!

Val November 16, 2012 at 10:54 pm

My husband and I made one, back before we were married. It was a super-crazy turn on to make it – but watching it after, well, it was…amusing. We laughed, and laughed, and paused it in all the stupid positions and angles, and laughed more. Man that was fun. Then we promptly erased it. And triple checked that it was erased. You know, just in case. Would I make one now? Probably not. It was fun, but knowing how it ended up, with the addition of where it could end up now [boss, children, neighbors, Twitter...] well, I think I’ll pass on that. But I am looking forward to more sex chat columns, so bring that on. :)

Meredith November 17, 2012 at 10:18 am

WOOHOO! Glad you like the new column!

Do you have any topic suggestions?

Andrea November 17, 2012 at 11:02 am

Sex tape? Never ever ever. I don’t like looking in the mirror naked. I don’t want it immortalized on film.

Now boudoir pics? Its a little different for Hannah, probably, if she is sending pics to her deployed husband. My husband was a submariner and all mail sent to him (since he was under the water) had to go to his command first. What I didn’t realize as a new Navy wife is that mailed was searched…. so his superiors saw my sexy panties that I sent as a reminder of what was waiting at home.

Embarrassing.

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