Many women have said to us, “I’ve lost my sex drive. Help!” Have no fear, girls. Curvy Girl Guide is here!
Let’s just jump right into this ladies, and allow me to tell you, I can totally empathize. During my last pregnancy, I had sex exactly twice. Two times in nine months. And both times, I made myself do it, just to please my husband. But he wasn’t pleased. He could tell I wasn’t into it. The fact that he hadn’t had it in so long was a secret blessing because it just meant he would finish faster. At which point, I could get back to my self-loathing-cake-eating-pity-party. Which? Was way more fun than sex at the time.
Sometimes, we just don’t feel like it. And there are a lot of reasons why, so let’s just bang those reasons out today (that’s what she said).
I’m Not Attracted To Him Anymore
I “get” the whole falling out of attraction to someone thing. But that’s a conversation you need to have. Shaun had it with me once, and it killed me. I hated him. But it was also eye-opening. I had let myself go, and I did used to be super cute. So I began taking better care of myself.
Currently, I am going through this whole, “I have a headache,” thing again. But mainly because it’s Movember, and my husband’s face looks like he should be driving around white cargo van that has no windows with “FREE CANDY & PUPPIES!” written on the side of it.
Only one more day of this…
And trust me, boys don’t like to hear they’ve let themselves go anymore than we do. I know, because I recently looked at my husband’s beer gut, his endless line of multicolored golf shirts, and his Old Man Jeans and proclaimed, “You’re turning into your father!” And guess what? Mustache aside, he’s trying harder to be someone that I find attractive again.
And I’ve stopped pooping with the door open for him. It seems to be helping us get in the mood.
Sex Begets Sex
Just make yourself do it.
I had to put us on a Saturday night schedule to get us back in the groove after our nine month hiatus. And I picked Saturday because I knew I could drink a couple glasses of red wine. And that wine would ultimately loosen me up. Literally. Red wine makes me loose.
But I noticed that pretty soon, we were also having sex on Sunday morning. And then we would have sex randomly on a Wednesday. And the next thing I knew, Shaun was telling his buddies at bowling league that gets “laid all the time.” He wore this sex around like a freaking badge of honor. And while I really don’t appreciate him talking to the bowling alley guys about our sex life (as I talk about it to the entire internet), it sure beats him saying the opposite about our sex life.
You Are Beautiful
Repeat after me, “Boys like boobs. They like little boobies. They like saggy boobies. They like two different sizes of boobies. They like fake boobies. They like floppy boobies. The like fall-in-your-armpit boobies. Boys also like vaginas and butts.”
I’m glad we’ve worked that out.
Now stop feeling bad about yourself when it comes to getting naked. And if you still don’t feel good naked, the Hips & Curves Lingerie store will make you feel better. They aren’t paying me to sat that, by the way. Their stuff is really just that awesomely sexy. CLICK HERE! YOU ARE WELCOME!
I’m Too Tired
Dude. I hear you on this one.
Can you just sleep over on your side of the bed and get your boner out of my back? Chasing kids, working all day, and cleaning up after you has taken a toll.
But sometimes? Sometimes you need to change up your normal routine. Changing what you’re always doing will trick your brain into not being tired every night at 9pm.
Remember when you were dating each other? Like, in the beginning, and you would totally go out on dates during the week? And you just couldn’t wait to get him home and rip his clothes off? You weren’t tired then. You were more concerned about taking a minute in the bathroom to freshen up.
With busy lives, kids, and routines, this isn’t something you can do all the time. But once in awhile, find a way. Find a way to change what you currently do for the sake of your orgasm.
Make Your Brain Think About Sex
Hand to God, smut has changed the game in our bedroom.
Fifty Shades of Grey was the first series of smut books I had ever read, and let me tell you, I would wake him up and make him have sex with me. Shaun is a walking endorsement for sex books. I also don’t mind porn from time to time. And even a toy that I play with all by myself helps. All of these little things make me think about sex and since he is so handy, I might as well get it on with him, right?! RIGHT!
Make yourself think about sex, and pull your partner into these fantasies inside your head. So what if you yell out, “Spank me again, Christian!” He’ll understand.
Need some ideas on how to get your brain thinking about sex? Brittany Gibbons (our founding Curvy Girl) recently put together a great little list of naughties. Enjoy, you horny little toads!
Maybe It’s Medical
Women are a walking set of hormones.
There could be so many medical reasons that explain your loss of libido. According to WebMD (the Internet’s HOLY-CRAP-WE-ARE-ALL-DYING bible), nearly one third of women (ages 18 – 59) experience a loss of sexual desire at some point in time. And a lot of times, there could be a medical reason behind it.
Here are some of them:
- Your birth control pill
- Low testosterone
- Antidepressant medications
- Blood pressure medications
- Age
- Vaginal dryness
- Changing your dosage on a medication
- Mental illnesses such as depression
- Endometriosis
- Fibroids
- Thyroid disorders
And many more medical reasons could contribute to your loss of a sexual appetite. If you think there’s something physically wrong, don’t be afraid to talk to your gynecologist about it. That’s why they went through a bajillion years of vagina school.
Bottom Line
Try something new, and see if it helps.
Jumpstart your brain; read some smut.
Talk to your doctor, because maybe it’s something that could easily be fixed.
Seek couples therapy (and they even have sex therapy!), and work out your issues. For a lot of women, sex is sensual. It’s a heady experience, and we need conditions to be just right. I don’t “do” hate sex. Don’t even touch me if I am mad at you.
And if that doesn’t work, get yourself a new lover…or invest in a good vibrator and a bottle of red wine.
Have you experienced this? What worked for you? And what have you tried that didn’t work?
Here’s the problem…my husband wants it everyday (like most men). I want it once a week (so that it’s GOOD, we have the time to get in the mood, etc)…my compromise (after couples counseling) is 3-4 times a week. In my mind that is good, but he still complains about it. That just makes me pissy and stick closer to 3 times than 4…most times I feel like he doesn’t care who is lying next to them as long as it’s available…I need some Women Viagra (and I’ve read the mommy porn and it does help, but I can’t read smut non-stop!!!)
This is a great article. Not just cuz I am a man and I love sex, but because this can REALLY be a killer in a relationship. It’s also true we love your bodies and you might think we are wishing you would be skinnier , heavier, bigger boobs, smaller boobs, smaller butt etc. The truth is we just want you to love yourself. There is nothing sexier than a woman who is confident about her sexuality regardless of her shape.
I used to have the opposite issue. As in, I used to want it more than my husband. We’ve talked about this numerous times. I would like to have sex 2-3 times a week. He’s happy with once a week. It’s pretty much the most long-standing issue we’ve had in our relationship.
I haven’t “let myself go” lately. The opposite actually. I hit my all time high weight right after having our son in July 2011 but I began watching my meals and exercising this February and I’ve lost almost 60 pounds. I dress nicer and try to wear cute underwear and clothes.
So far it isn’t helping. Talking about it isn’t helping either, but at least we still communicate about the issue. At this point, I’ve been rebuffed so many times that I’m really starting to not want sex anymore. Or else I feel very uncomfortable and awkward when we do have sex.
Sigh.
I am preggers and sex before pregnancy was so much better. I just hit 20 weeks and everyone told me oh that is the best. Oh yeah? I am not having sex dreams, I am not feeling urges. However we are still active. I just have to concentrate really really hard. My husband said he feels bad for me. I feel bad for myself. It is like my vagina took a vacation and her replacement is unfeeling frigid bitch.
Giving up great sex to have baby, ok worth it, but damn I miss the kinkiness and the great feelings.
End rant.
Tawny, I never went through that horny second trimester phase that everyone told me I would. My level of desire for sex remained constant throughout pregnancy.
I will say, though, that as I’ve gotten older, I’ve gotten better about trying new things, initiating, that sort of thing. (And yes, the smut has been amazing. My husband, too, is a great enthusiast of the sex books.) The other day, he and I were talking and he commented that he was having the best sex of his life, which thrilled me to no end.
What got me going again was the thought that if I didn’t have ten minutes a day to spend with the person I love more than anyone else in the world, then what was I doing with him? He was cranky because we were doing it twice a month or so. I gritted my teeth for the first month, fell into habit the second, and re-fell in deep, deep love the third. Here we are now, at 39 & 40, 16 years into this marriage thing screwing like crazy people EVERY DAY (usually twice a day now, watch out, this habit grows fast) now. And this has been for the past six years. I’m rarely tired because I find that reconnecting sexually invigorates me like nothing else. All because I committed to the habit. I am happier now than I ever have been in my life. Love is good. Give in to it. And yes, reading porn, watching porn or keeping a tumbr porn feed also is helpful and educational for your partner if you are too shy to verbally tell him or her what you like.
Also, especially for younger women, tiredness or loss of attraction may fit into the medical category – and it can really drive you batty when you try to find environmental reasons. I’m 22 and he’s 26. Nothing significant about my boyfriend’s appearance has changed in the last 3 years. My stress level has gone up and down, and while being non-negotiably busy until 11pm isn’t conducive to sexytime, that hasn’t been the case recently either. I just felt like touch on my skin didn’t do anything for me, as if I was worn out, and his presence didn’t do anything for me, as if I wasn’t attracted to him anymore – but I wasn’t attracted to anyone else, or to any imaginary situations, either. I could orgasm as easily as ever, I just didn’t have any interest. After deducing that nothing was actually wrong with our relationship I wondered if I was intrinsically asexual and any previous sex I enjoyed was merely for the sake of novelty.
Then I started taking St. John’s Wort and like a switch, love turned me on again. Touch could grab my attention. Nuzzling into his neck was interesting enough that I wasn’t waiting to get back to what I was doing before. Not to mention, my mood-motivation-concentration on other things improved. I don’t know if this will be my permanent solution – I’m seeing a doctor soon to get thyroid tests and a blood count and such, and even if it’s all brain-based they may want to switch me to a conventional antidepressant – but it’s so relieving to have confirmation that it doesn’t have to mean there’s some undiscovered life issue.
Comments on this entry are closed.
{ 1 trackback }