Recently, headlines have showcased “social-media parenting,” instances where parents use social media to “discipline” their children. I use the term discipline loosely, because I see this parenting more as punishment and less as discipline. The purpose of discipline is to teach desirable behaviors. The purpose of punishment is to stop undesirable behavior.
In both cases, parents used punishment, not discipline, to “teach” their kids a lesson.
In a modern-day shot heard ’round the world, Tommy Jordan, the father of a 15-year-old girl, used a gun and YouTube to teach his daughter a lesson. The daughter used Facebook to complain about her parents, and upon reading her rant, the 
father went on one of his own, accusing of her of being ungrateful for, among other things, the recent updates he’d taken the time (and money) to install on her laptop. He called her lazy at one point and listed the many ways he was unhappy with her. He ended his tirade by shooting her laptop. The video drew tens of millions of hits, and many applauded his tough approach to his “spoiled” daughter. According to a Today poll, 73% of respondents thought the punishment was appropriate.
In a more recent instant of social media parenting, a mom used her daughter’s Facebook page to convey the message that the girl, 13, was no longer allowed on Facebook because she “couldn’t keep her mouth shut.” The girl had to answer anyone who asked about why she was no longer allowed on Facebook. Supporters of this action said the mother was adapting her parenting to fit the time.
There is a term that comes to mind when I consider both these cases: humiliation.
Just in case these teenage girls’ lives aren’t filled with enough angst, let’s go ahead and publicly ridicule them for their behavior. Let’s belittle them and garner national attention in the process. Let’s show these ungrateful kids how tough we are as parents.
While I would not argue that both of these young ladies’ behavior deserved consequences, I fail to see the benefit of public humiliation. Did it stop the behavior? Probably. But did it teach them a more desirable replacement behavior? Doubt it. The message they received was to not mess with their parents, but only out of fear, not respect. In fact, I daresay the actions of both parents borders on bullying. It stripped the children of all power, dignity, and ability to rectify the situation on their own. Discipline should be about empowering kids, not forcing them, to make the right choices.
And furthermore, let us not forget that old adage: the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
Children, while most definitely born with their own unique personalities, are a product of their environment. If they seem to be ungrateful well, that is probably because they have not been taught how to be grateful and appreciative of what they have. If a child is ranting and raving, he or she needs to be taught a more effective, healthy way of communicating (making a video where you shoot your daughter’s laptop and then posting it on Facebook may be effective, but healthy? Not so much), and the best way for parents to teach that is to lead by example. When children make mistakes, as they undoubtedly will, the goal should be that they walk away from the situation having learned a lesson, hopefully one that will help them avoid the same mistake in the future. Using a gun to solve a problem is not one of those lessons.
photo credit: Tommy Jordan
Unless you are talking about a different recent case, the second instance was Instagram, the girl was holding a bottle of vodka in a photo, the mom had already attempted other methods of discipline and the child was 12. Apologies if there was another very similar case recently, but considering I just read about this one yesterday, I’d bet it’s what you are talking about.
I think that Kelli is referring to this story that happened a few weeks ago: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/04/25/denise-abbott-mom-facebook-photo-punishment_n_1452661.html
Frankly I think that if kids are using social media to misbehave then using social media to punish them is acceptable. Sure, shooting a laptop with a gun is outside of my comfort zone, but my parents were the masters of ingenious punishments that “matched” how I’d misbehaved. It taught me a much better lesson then just being grounded, so I say more power to parents who are trying to instill common sense into the next generation.
I bet if he had chosen a hammer rather than a firearm, there’d have been a much smaller uproar
Perhaps fewer people would be bothered if he used a hammer rather than a gun, but I would be equally as outraged. I think whatever the instrument, that’s an overreaction to the point of being abusive, not to mention incredibly counterproductive practically – your kid doesn’t appreciate the updates you bought, so you’re going to destroy the piece of property they live in, which probably cost hundreds of dollars itself?
I’m not sure that using social media to discipline is always inappropriate, but it does run the risk of constituting humiliation and not productive communication. As Daisy said, if the child uses social media to misbehave, something like setting their status on Facebook to the reason they’re grounded might be reasonable, depending. But after reading that article, it doesn’t sound like the offense actually had anything to do with Facebook, and in that case, I think it’s just a cheap shot.
What surprises me the most is that both kids seem amiable about their parents’ actions. In my opinion, both reactions are drastically out of proportion to the offense. I want to say I would have been monumentally angry, but actually, that’s probably not true. I remember one time my parents punished me in a way that seemed far out of proportion to my offense (grounded from visits, phone, and internet for a month, for failing to mention something I found out in a timely manner), and I was just disoriented and scared. That’s the sort of thing you can only do once – I hope laptop dad feels this was the right issue to spend his wrath-of-a-thousand-hells parenting card on.
I don’t think the act itself was abusive. (One could maybe argue that the viral video toed the line, though) No one NEEDS a laptop or online access.
While I wouldn’t have destroyed the laptop (I cringed at the thought of all that money wasted), if my child were using a laptop I purchased and internet access I provided to the trash talk me (or anyone, really) on Teh Internetz, that laptop/access would definitely by suddenly inaccessible for a good long time.
Thanks for the clarification, Daisy!
I agree that using social media as a punishment CAN make sense, and children need to understand consequences of their behaviors. To me, simply not allowing them to use Facebook/Instagram/whatever doesn’t communicate to them what the real consequences of posting a picture that shouldn’t be posted would be in the real world (or saying things that shouldn’t be said or whatever the case may be).
I thought the laptop dad was way over the top, though.
I get what you’re saying, but…consequences of posting a pic in the real world? Come on, if my boss disagreed with something I posted, he would not address it by humiliating me online. It would be dealt with in a private matter. What, specifically, do you mean by real-world consequences?
And yes, Daisy, thanks for posting the article. I’m going to have to look up info on the Pinterest one now. A new parenting trend? I say yikes (though I know the two of you don’t agree)!
You know, I get why the dad was upset with his daughter. But ranting about her on youtube, because she ranted about him on fb seems like hypocrisy. Pot, meet kettle. It just seems like a really, really immature way to communicate with a teenager. Because there is no one a teenager respects more than a hypocrite.
That being said, if he had simply taken the laptop away, or given it away, or even destroyed it in the privacy of his own home, it wouldn’t bother me nearly so much. (Although, even if he had destroyed it privately, I would still think that was immature.)
I’m a pretty tough parent. I have four kids, and I don’t mess around. They know I mean business, and all the kids in the neighborhood are afraid of me. So I’m all about some tough parenting. HOWEVER. I think those parents need a slap in the face.
See, if that man had done the same thing to his wife’s facebook/computer? Outrage would have echoed throughout every corner of the first world, labeling him as controlling, even abusive.
Being a parent means making the hard decisions when NO ONE ELSE is around to see them. Humiliating children through the use of social media smacks of desperation and a total inability to parent properly.
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