If you are reading this, chances are you’ve probably either been the victim of a bully or was a bully at some point in your life. We carry around those scars, even to this day.
But, even with all we know, the ugly ramifications splashed across the news and social media, this continues to be a problem within our schools.
I am not a professional writer. I am, however, a mother to a 12 year-old daughter and a 13 year-old son. My daughter is the shy, quiet type and unfortunately for her, this makes her a target for bullies. We have been in school a little over a month and I have already had to deal with a bully calling her “stupid” and throwing things at her. Fortunately, her teacher was very helpful and has moved the perpetrator; for now it has stopped.
While I’m thankful for the remedy, I’m a firm believer that our schools need to be more proactive and not reactive.
Take Spirit Week. I know, I know, but stay with me. When spirit is a show of energy, pride and enthusiastic support for your school, I think that is a wonderful thing. But, when did it become less about painting banners, school colors, pep rallies and encouraging students to embrace their school as an important part of their life? Now when I hear about spirit week, it’s a week of dressing up to silly themes, none of which have to do with school spirit. Themes like “Nerd Day” or any other days encouraging students or teachers to dress in a mocking or stereotypical way.
When most people think of nerds, we automatically think of smart kids, right? But for many kids, “nerd” is a derogatory term tossed at them on a daily basis. In an attempt to display “spirit,” their classmates dress in over-exagerated Steve Urkel versions of thier lifestyle. High waisted rolled pants, glasses with tape, pocket protectors, suspenders, etc. Do you see the halls flooded with smart kids dressed like this today? Of course not. But the stigma is still there.
If schools are going to continue supporting these ridiculous dress-up days, should we add Dumb Jock Day, Ditzy Cheerleader Day, or Band Geek Day?
This has been weighing on me, so I turned to Facebook together some perspective and was told to “take a chill pill,” because these things are all in good fun. But, I guess I just don’t see how singling out and picking on a population of kids is fun or enhancing the sense of “spirit” within a school.
Have we not already learned the horrific effects of bullying? Am i the only one wanting to stand in the middle of the street screaming, “HAVE YOU PEOPLE NOT HEARD ABOUT KIDS KILLING THEMSELVES, TAKING DRUGS, OR CUTTING THEMSELVES? OVER BEING BULLIED? THIS HAS TO STOP NOW!”
I am a tiny voice in a sea of voices that need to speak together; to inform the community we will not accept this in our schools. Let’s get back to painting banners, wearing school colors, cheering at pep rallies and encouraging students to embrace the beautiful diversity of their student body and school as an important part of their life, not something they dread.
Connie Chrietzberg 40 years young, married to Matt for 14 years. We have a son Brendan who’s 13 and a daughter Ashley who’s 12. We live in Clinton Mississippi. Connie owns Cherished Memories Photography and the photo booth company, Picture the Booth.
I can definitely see your point. I can also see, though, how other parents would feel you’re overreacting. I recently read about a school that discontinued Father-Daughter dances because single moms felt discriminated against. To me, that seems ridiculous. We should celebrate the dads who ARE present in their daughters life, and maybe offer some kind of event celebrating single parents, too. But when a hurt becomes a reason to discourage and prevent good things, it does seem overreactive.
The specifics of your situation are different, though. The student body could definitely come up with better themes. I do seem to remember some kids being called out on Nerd Day for not having had to dress up at all because they are naturally a nerd.
We can say all we want that schools need to be more proactive but the school is just a mechanism in the machine. The way Western education is set up is so unrealistic compared to the “real world” (after graduation) – leaving kids with their same-aged peers for 7-8 hours a day in large groups (herds) with little adult supervision (one teacher in a class of 20+ can only observe and intercept so much during their allotted time when the kids are actually under their watch, not to mention times like recess or break when they are not, if the teacher even cares at all or if they even CAN do anything), 5 days a week for 12 years (or more if you include college)…. It’s the perfect environment for Lord of the Flies mentality and kids singling others out, pointing out and manipulating and magnifying their perceived weakness, and for those being singled out to feel alone and unsupported and unsafe.
The change doesn’t happen with school administration. The change happens with how we see each other, in our community and world-wide. The change happens with how parents speak to their children, how they speak about others while their children are listening, what they allow their children to see and hear and engage in, and if they help their child process that information. If parents are not engaging with their children, present in their lives, speaking respectfully and kindly and with hopeful positivity about their neighbors, coworkers, and people they hear about in the news, their children will not either. If a child is bullied and does not feel safe at home to verbalize it, is afraid they will not get the support or trust they need, who do they have to turn to? Brittany just wrote about discovering her daughter was being bullied and she approached the parents of the bully, and I have no doubt she did everything she could to make her daughter feel loved and safe and to help her realize what was said to her was not true about her. Not all parents will do that. Some kids have felt for their entire lives that their parents are disappointed in them and don’t feel safe or secure telling them they are being bullied. And most bullies are kids that are, themselves, hurting. Hurt people hurt people.
Schools are not the problem, but they are the perfect petri dish to encourage bullying.
I know home schooling doesn’t work for every family, I know everyone’s situation is unique and multi-faceted and there is never one formula that works for every single family. But we are home schooling my daughter because she is a Highly Sensitive Child (look up the book, by Dr. Elaine Aron) and was bullied in PRE SCHOOL, at age 5! She processes so much of her environment – sounds, sights, busy-ness, volume and intensity of voices and activities, the emotion of others, that she is easily overwhelmed. And when negative attention is directed at her, on top over all the other stimuli, it’s too much. Her protective reaction is to scream, which SHE gets in trouble for, while the other kids (this happens in Sunday school, and when she was in kindergarten, too) get to go on playing. That unfairness makes her withdraw and not trust people to tell them how she’s feeling.
One of the things Aron talks about is how highly sensitive children, especially when very young, do not have the coping mechanisms to deal with their overstimulation. Many well-meaning friends and family will say they NEED to be in a school environment to learn, but really that’s like throwing them to the lions. They will be too overwhelmed to learn and will shut down (however that looks for them, every child is different). They will learn, in time, when they feel safe and encouraged and are at their optimal level of stimulation, and then they have the skills to cope with all that. These kids are usually picked on and bullied because they are easy targets. And when they get overwhelmed they can’t often get the words out to stand up for themselves, or they have a huge reaction (like my daughter) which makes it even more fun for the bully.
Also, I meant to comment that teachers are often in a position where they CANNOT intervene do to administration. There is a facebook group called Caring and Courageous Kids: Program for Peaceful Intervention to Bullying. This morning the teacher to admins the group posted that her recess alternative she has been doing with kids who feel threatened and unsafe or overwhelmed at recess to have peaceful, directed and positive activities to do, was told that because it was not a part of her job description it was therefore a “liability” and she had to stop. When she told her students some of them began to cry because she had helped them so much last school year, and they weren’t sure what they were going to do during recess now. Most of the kids in the group were bullied and felt like it was a safe place. How could the school administration see that as a liability? How could helping the kids feels safe and cope and do positive, directed, creative activities backfire into something negative against the school? It doesn’t make any sense. Sometimes the administration can have as much of a bullying mentality as its students, which is one reason why schools aren’t more effective in stopping bullying.
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