She Speaks: Sex After Divorce

My marriage ended toward the end of my pregnancy with my second child. Not ideal timing by any circumstances, but unfortunately, it’s somewhat frowned upon to chain someone to the house and force them to stay with you. So when my (now ex-) husband decided he wanted to leave me (along with our daughter and unborn baby), I didn’t really have much say in the matter.

About a year later, I started to feel some… stirrings. I mean, yes, I worked full-time and was a single mom of two kids under the age of 5, and my ex had moved across the country so I was juggling it all by myself. My life felt positively insane and barely manageable on my best days. But I was also still human. And it had been over a year since the last time I’d had sex. I decided that I needed to remedy that situation.

I put a profile on an online dating site. (Not naming names, but I guess we can call it Shmokay Shmupid.) I immediately got a lot of responses from a lot of guys there. Sure, some of them decidedly fell under the category of “weirdos and freaks,” but there were a few in there who seemed potentially compatible with me. That alone was a huge boost to my ego. I had become so accustomed to thinking of myself as this boring, frumpy mom. Seeing that there was a wide range of guys who found me attractive was a big self-esteem helper.

I went on a few dates. Most of them were uneventful. Very few got past the second date.

The first time I had sex after my separation, I was a nervous wreck. It had been over a year, and I had given birth since then. What if my body didn’t even work the same way? What if I didn’t respond the way that I used to?

More importantly, should I warn the dude to bring a Swiffer with him, because let me tell you, buddy, there are gonna be some cobwebs up in there.

I quickly found out that all those urban legends about women hitting their sexual peak in their mid-30s? Those are not urban legends. Holy effing cow. I can now clock more orgasms per hour than I used to have in a month. It’s insane, and I love it. I feel sexy for the first time since before I had kids.

After the first time, I texted one of my friends to tell her about it. She replied back, “Wait. You told me you never wanted to have sex again?!”

And… well. Yes. Yes, I did say that. But I think I meant that I never wanted to have sex with my husband again. And I’m not saying that sex with him was necessarily bad. I wouldn’t have married him if it was.

But there’s a difference between sex when you’re married and sex when you’re single or divorced. It’s like comparing driving a Toyota Corolla with a high-end sports car. There’s nothing wrong with the Corolla: it gets you from point A to point B, it’s reliable, gets decent mileage. It serves its purpose. But the sports car is somuch more fun and exciting.

Of course, I am not saying that every married person has boring sex. I can only speak to my own personal experience, and a few anecdotal stories from friends. Your experience may be completely different, and if you are having amazing sports car-quality sex with your spouse, then hey, mazel tov. Go forth and get freaky with your bad self.

As for me? I’m enjoying my shiny new sports car.

Cindy Wilkinson is a single mom to two little girls in Raleigh, NC. Her day job involves working with a bunch of computer nerds, and she spends her off time daydreaming about one day being able to take a nap. You can find her on her blog at Poobou or as @poobou on Twitter.