Real Housewives of New Jersey: Third Eye Blind

In this episode, as we see the divide between Teresa and everyone on the show widen. And Carolyn, who has always been my favorite voice of reason-straight talking matriarch makes a big, big, mistake with her daughter.

Let’s deal with the Carolyn and Lauren situation because it’s not so much funny as it is frustrating. As per last week’s decision to start a professionally supervised “closest you can get to anorexia” (her words) shake diet, we see Lauren muscling down one for breakfast. I’m on edge about the shakes as diet plan; have you learned nothing from Oprah? Sure a diet of shakes will result in you dragging a wagon of your rapidly shed fat on stage while wearing cute jeans, but that is short-lived. Soon you’re back where you started plus you have OWN Network to fix.

Lauren then makes a statement which resonates for so many people, “I want to be very rich.” It’s like she’s in my brain right there. But the road to “very rich” is going to be a rough one if she continues along in this second-class Manzo Status. At first, I think this is just her own insecurity and then Carolyn says this of my Lauren, “Great Personality, great boyfriend, and a belly.” Carolyn?? What? It gets worse.

Lauren: “I’m used to people saying awful things about me.” This is after her brothers berate her at the dinner table. She then tells the camera, “I hate the way I look.”

Carolyn doesn’t seem to see the problem because she follows these teaching moments up with quips like, “Lauren has to lose weight.”

But there is a ray of hope for spunky Lauren, she responds to her brothers who claim she’s going to have monstrous Shrek- sized children, by telling them. “I’d rather have ugly kids than douchie kids like yours will be.” Tell it, girl!

I have no problem with wanting to lose weight, I always want to, but the put downs from her siblings, and the way she puts herself down, reveal this is a pattern for the family. If Lauren loses weight is she a better daughter? I don’t believe Carolyn thinks this but straight talk is one thing, insults and second class status because the girl has a “belly” is something else, something sad.

It gets pretty deep for a Sunday night, so let’s get back to the Guidice/Gorga drama, it was much less disturbing this week, except for the toddlers playing in the street, and perilously close to a drowning hazard. It was easy to empathize with Rosie the baby sitter, when she poured a glass wine, lit up a cigarette and sighed, “F**K me.”

We go from Lauren’s concern about weight to a family of people who can all do pull ups on the closet bar. That everyone emerged alive, with great biceps, from the Jersey Shore, is nothing short of miracle. And unexpected based on the level of danger which seemed to be all around.

The episode ends with the women attending one of the classic made up parties these shows are famous for; an all in white Solstice Party. They all receive bindis, designed to open their third eye shakra. I try to keep my third eye shakra closed because of hayfever, but it’s a personal decision we all have to make about our third eye shakras.

This party is a fight waiting to happen and I’ve popped popcorn in giddy anticipation. First Rosie, who is very prevalent in this episode, tries to mediate. (Casting prediction, Rosie is fully in the cast next season.)

Teresa and Melissa get into a conversation where Teresa uses an accepted New Jersey phrase for jail by saying “Joe was away.” Melissa says jail. This enrages Teresa and it’s game on.

You feel for Teresa, she comes to a peaceful, white-dress-wearing affair, and justifiably feels bombarded. Of course instead of leaving, she talks to Kim in the parking lot. Kim advises Teresa to run the rest of the cast over with her SUV. (Casting prediction, Kim will not be an actual cast member next season.)

Teresa is clearly in denial and no bindi is going to change that, thus the episode title, “Third Eye Blind.”

For Jacqueline’s part we see her try to be friends with everyone and Skyping with a mercifully out-of-state Ashlee. Note to producers, this is the right amount Ashlee in every episode.

Finally, I like Kathy, but I’m worried for her. She has no storyline and this could be trouble for her career as a RHONJ. Kathy has two options right now. There’s an opening for her as the sensible mother we can all relate to if Caroline keeps appearing to favor her sons over Lauren. Or she’s going to have to go bat guano crazy over something. Otherwise she’s off the show because she’s a non-factor.

Because I’m about constructive criticism, Kathy you need to say more of this kind of stuff, “I thought this was supposed to be about positive energy. I mean we have fairies for god’s sake.” Funny, but open your third eye or you’ll be in the unemployment line with Danielle Staub by summer.