I’ve made no secret of the fact that I was bullied as a child. For years I was called fat, a tub of lard, and all sorts of other creative things because I was a little bigger than my peers. One day all the kids on my bus decided to lean back and forth when I got on so it looked like I was so heavy that I made the bus sway. It hurt exactly like you would think it would, but the upside was that at home I was free from it. There was no Facebook, no cell phones, no internet. In a lot of ways, I was lucky that I grew up in the early 90s with an unlisted home phone number.
The technology we have today has empowered us, both old and young, and not always in positive ways. It has given us a sense of security, of authority to judge others even when it may not be appropriate. It has given us all an opportunity to share our opinions, often anonymously, regardless of the detriment.
It has given us cyberbullying.
Some of you may think that we’re making something of nothing, but many of you reading this, teenagers and adults alike, have experienced it first-hand. Someone disliked something you wrote and fired back a nasty comment. Someone saw a picture of you with your family and felt the need to comment on your hair, or makeup, or dress size. Or even worse, there was no real reason for the comment at all. People feel like it’s okay to tell someone else that they aren’t pretty enough, aren’t thin enough just because they can.
We are no strangers to cyberbullying…
Heather: I once had someone tell me I needed to get my teeth whitened because it looks like I smoke three packs a day. Losers. I only smoke TWO packs a day.
Yvonne: Once upon a time, this happened to me. (taken from a blog post, written by someone else, from the perspective of Y) “I’ll pig out on ice cream and junk food and burst into tears every time I look at my body. I am such a worthless pig. Today I got an email where someone told me that if I just learned to control my impulse to comfort myself with food I could lose weight, but screw them. THEY DON’T KNOW ME. If they did, they’d know that my weight problems have less do with food and more to do with the fact that I have the emotional maturity of a 3rd grader and lack any resemblance of self control.”
Jenny Grace: On Twitter, someone told me that I’m clearly clinically obese, that my obesity is going to cause me to develop type II diabetes, and as a result I’m going to orphan my son, and therefore I’m not a good mom and haven’t made my child my first priority.
Brittany: The anonymous comments suck, but they don’t hurt nearly as much as when they come from someone you know. A person who knows me left three horrible comments on my site, calling me obese, going after my mother, my father, my husband, and my kids, and they also spread the “love” on Facebook. It was horrific. Something I will never be able to forgive. The internet is not as anonymous as you think, you know?
Last week Mishi got a comment here, on this site, that said “You should forget this food blog and start an exercise blog. you can see how much weight you’ve gained since you got married by how much finger fat rolls over your wedding ring. Your husband doesnt want some chubbo wife who blogs about shitty french fries all day. get up and go jogging.”
As for me, well, I’ve had my fair share. I found out a few months back that there multiple forums dedicated to slamming my blog. But the comment I will probably always remember was about this very site and after I disclosed my battles with an eating disorder. “I can’t wait to see that brain girl freak out about gaining two pounds once.”
Those of us who write here are tired of staying quiet about this. Words can have impacts far greater than we realize, they have led to suicides of teenagers and adults, they have ruined families and relationships, they have destroyed self-esteem. Your words are powerful and we’re asking you to use them for good, to build others up, not tear them down.
Standing behind a computer calling someone ugly or fat is bullying and it’s absolutely wrong. It may seem fun or funny to you to criticize someone else’s appearance, you may enjoy making others feel bad, but you’re playing a dangerous game. Just because we ignore you most of the time doesn’t mean that your words aren’t having an effect on us. And if you’re doing it in front of your children, you’re perpetuating a cycle of hate that absolutely has to stop. No child or adult should be the target of this kind of hatred. It’s not a game.
Here at CGG, we welcome open discussion, but we do not publish comments that are meant to be hurtful, we do not approve of blogs or twitter accounts that exist only to say unkind things about others. And we hope that you’ll follow our example. If you’ve been a victim of cyberbullying, we stand with you and we want to work with you to stop this. Tell us your story, tell us what was said and how it affected you. Let’s put faces on this issue, let’s stop being anonymous and speak out.
Help us put an end to cyberbullying so that no child, teenager, or adult ever has to feel the way we have felt.
Katie is a 28 year old Southern Californian, married to a doctor, racking up as much student debt as possible as a full-time graduate student in a health science. Her hobbies include abusing parentheses, baking complicated desserts that almost universally involve frosting and loving her two cats more than is socially acceptable. She’s currently balancing her first child and graduating from graduate school. So planning and timing are also things she excels at. You can read more from Katie on her blog, Overflowing Brain.
I had an interaction with my husband’s best friends wife on her facebook. She was talking about how the new health care plan was horrible. I said something about, that the parts I’d read I liked and people I’d trusted who read the whole thing thought it would help us in some ways. There was a decent interchange of ideas for a few posts. Then, I friend of hers got on to tell me I was “an elistist snob” and “wanted to be a concubine, you’re so subservient”. As these things are contradictory, I mainly laughed it off and said so in a post (probably not the smartest idea). Then it really started, comment after comment from some one I’d never met. My husband’s bestfriend’s wife never defended me, never asked this other person to stop. Part of me thinks she was egging this girl on, “the wife” is not my biggest fan. Finally I just let it go, because you can’t defend yourself against crazy people. But, its totally damaged our relationship with that couple.
As someone who has also been subjected to a lot of online attempts at bullying, I stand with you. Great post.
I’ve had my fair of jerk comments – typically along the lines of what a pathetic lawyer I am (I find that amusing since I NEVER talk about where I work or what I do, so talk about assumptions….) but I once had someone write an entire blog post dedicated to how wrong I was about something, complete with “mathematical proof” of my wrong-ness & other generally douchey comments including a few knocks at women drivers. That was special. I try to stay far, far away from “hate blog” sites and I don’t follow back people I deem to be bullies – they make me sad and detract from all the goodness out there.
You know, I mostly ignore it and don’t interact. I mean, what’s the point, and the high road is paying off.
But, I recall an instance I was having this discussion with someone, and they almost alluded to the fact that I, and we (collective, as online authors and bloggers), ask for this. That, because we put ourselves out there, that we open ourselves up to be mocked and poked at with sticks, our flaws or misfortune or TRAGEDY lampooned on the very public forums we helped champion.
How offensive. Cyberbullying has nothing to do with the consequences of sharing bits of our lives and storytelling, and everything to do with the fact that as a human being, and in most surprising cases, a WOMAN, you don’t have the right to treat others like that, and your actions, whether they come from your mouth or a keyboard, have very really consequences. Emotion, physical, and thankfully, legal.
Oh I have totally gotten than line (for instance in the comment section of said blog post slamming me) – “She said it on the internet, I can do what I want with it.” OH OK THEN. I wasn’t aware that societal norms about picking on people or being nice went out the door if someone put it on the internet, instead of saying or doing the “offending” thing in a small discussion or in a smaller venue. That argument just BLOWS MY MIND.
Brittany, I’m a fan. I truly am and will continue to be.
But it’s hard for me to read this when I was blown away that you mocked someone who posted their penis on Facebook, probably on accident. I’m guessing the weirdo was having weirdo time and accidently sent it to Facebook, and you seemed to also think it was an accident. You went on to laugh with everyone and make fun of how small the penis was. You thought it was hilarious that you forwarded it to your husband and all his friends.
Was the guy stupid as hell? Yes. But why share it with everyone?
But how was that not cyber bullying? And I guess you can’t say he asked for it. Because you could have just let it go.
Fair enough. Truly.
I think that is why people so easily fall into cyberbullying, because it FEELS disconnected, when it’s NOT.
I felt disconnected because he was a stranger who randomly sent me a picture of his penis. I unfriended him immediately (I accept all friend requests, and do not have a personal FB acct, just the open one for blog stuff), obviously, and I didn’t ever name him or mock the size, but also didn’t stop others from doing it, which I should have been more proactive about. It felt less real because the photo of the…really offensive aroused penis that was sent to me, was just that. Unidentifiable. Just a shot, of someone’s exposed crotch. Aroused.
But, like I said, you are totally right. I should not have made a big deal out of receiving the picture.
But, that also doesn’t justify that I shouldn’t be upset my weight, looks, life or children are violently attacked online. Ever. And, it’s not something I will stop talking about.
I see the absolutely horrific comments that come through on this site. I see all the names we are all called and the hits we all take on our looks. It’s never ok.
Brittany,
You are correct, it does not justify that you comments about your weight, looks, life or (this is the lowest of the low in my opinion) about your children.
You’re talking about it helps me. So I’m glad you won’t stop. You are brave where I am not.
Thanks for listening.
i understand the the urge to laugh at someone who accidentally posts a “private” pic; however, i couldn’t join in. all i could think about was if a girl accidentally posted a picture of her breasts and was laughed at/mocked endlessly about how tiny her breasts are. just doesn’t seem right.
but i totally agree that it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be upset about being bullied! comments about weight/image/whatever are horrible regardless….
If I put my vagina on the internet – feel free to share that. And I won’t even get mad when you say it looks like I have had three kids. I consider the “beat-up” look a badge of honor.
I think you put yourselves out there to give other women the comfort of knowing that whatever problem they’re going through, they’re likely not the only ones. There’s always comfort in numbers, and I think it’s great you ladies share what you do.
I think it’s amazing how the means of communication has changed between women. Feeling less alone is priceless, and social media and blogs have because such a source of both community and reference. But, at the same time, it’s hard to see what it has opened publishers up to, in terms of hate.
YES. Every time I’ve spoken out about cyberbullying the response has always been that it’s totally okay because I put myself out there to be judged. And maybe I do. If you were taking my words and disagreeing with them publicly, sure. That makes sense. But calling me names from the little snippets you learn about my life through my blog and assuming you know the full story? No. Or accusing me of lying about health conditions? Hell no.
I am not to blame for someone else’s bullying. I was blamed by my elementary school principal when I was a kid for bringing bullying on myself and she was wrong. And so are those who say I deserve it for having a blog. No on deserves to be bullied.
Hm. That’s an interesting argument – that you put yourself out there, so you deserve what you get. It reminds me of something – “She should have known if she wore that skirt/shirt/outfit/got drunk in public/flirted/went to that place – that she would get groped/assaulted/catcalled/raped.”
Sometimes you blow my mind with your logic. A very interesting analogy, damn, now you got me thinking again.
This is the worst one I ever got. It obviously came from someone who doesn’t know me because they got a lot of the information wrong, but from someone who has read my blogs for years and has gleaned enough information to think they could do some damage. The weird thing is, the comment was on a rather sweet blog about my son. I don’t get why it inspired such rage:
“You’ve Got to be kidding yourself if you think people believe your son says this crap, Mandy. We all know you embellish like there is no tomorrow when it comes to “Cracky” (What a ridiculous nickname) All the teachers at [his school] happen to think he is as gay as the day is long, by the way.
On to a more important topic, does it warm your hear when you write stories of your children knowing that you purposefully manipulated your partners each time you got pregnant? You are complete and utter liar. You manipulated [your ex] because you wanted to attach yourself to his notoriety. No one believes for a second that you actually “accidentally” got pregnant while on the pill. It was a purposeful, calculated act of total manipulation and you can’t blame [him] for seeing through your years of deceit and mental illness. It’s no wonder he went outside of the marriage- you are enough to drive any man crazy!
To think poor [name of husband] fell for your same antics..I feel sorry for him. Congratulations on successfully coercing another man into feeling guilty enough to stick with you during another “unplanned” pregnancy. You aren’t fooling anyone Mandy. I sure hope it feels good to know that your whole dysfunctional blended family is based on your dishonesty.
You are a total drama queen and no the only way you can feel better about yourself is to inflate your own ego writing these stupid blog entries. We all know you hate yourself- that is evident from the scars on your arm where you have cut your wrists REPEATEDLY. Do these online friends whom you’ve never met really make you feel better about your pathetic life? HOW SAD FOR YOU.
I hope you get the help you need for your obvious mental illness, sociopathic behavior and blaring eating disorder. You are so consumed by gaining five pounds during your pregnancy that your baby came out cross-eyed. NOT CUTE.
Everyone knows that because of your fucked up childhood you were forever chasing the life of a [name of city] girl (I guess you have to settle for a shitty falling down house in [name of other city]) that you have spent your whole life trying to pursuing that image of perfection. You have failed miserably and manipulated tow poor men in the process. I wish [your husband] the best of luck to handle all of your crazy- he will need it. Your mother couldn’t stand being around and we can’t stand hearing your meaningless bullshit and lies everyday. Stop being such an attention whore you crazy, crazy bitch.”
Wow, that is absolutely horrific, I am so sorry you even had to read that, let alone on a post about YOUR CHILD.
What an obsessive, miserable person that commenter must be.
How did you handle this?
I handled it like I do all troll comments. I deleted it. I figure my blog is like my house and I get to choose who visits and who gets kicked out on their ass.
I did spend a bit too much time trying to figure out who would care this much about me, yet get so much wrong as to not actually know me in person. My answer: MySpace. It had to be a reader from my MySpace days. MySpace was full of freaks.
And now I kind of laugh about it. I mean, he/she called my kid gay. My seven-year-old boy. First of all, anyone who knows me would know I would be overjoyed to have a gay son. Secondly, what kind of grown-ass adult calls a little kid gay?
I like your attitude on your blog being your house. I think I may start deleting things as well.
And also – that person sucks. How dare she talk abotu your son, your husband, or you that way?
We can all do better to perpetuate positivity, even if we’ve been the subject of or if we started the mocking ourselves.
Great post, Katie.
Cyber-bullies, and bullies–in general–are big cowards. Hiding behind a screen and keyboard makes it easy to be mean.
I just can’t believe that there are still adults who feel the need to do this to people. Instead of feeling angry at these people, I can only feel pity that these people will never know happiness. What sad, small-minded people.
I completely agree with you. I don’t understand why we can’t have a free exchange of ideas, even ones we don’t necessarily agree with, without it turning into a name calling, troll filled mess. I have been lucky enough only to get a troll comment once but it was from someone who just found my blog and decided to be rude. And of course did it anonymously. Nice. Anyway, while I don’t agree with everything on the internet, and I don’t always agree with everything here, that’s what makes it so great. I get to see what other people are doing and seeing and experiencing out there and if I don’t like it or disagree – I can stop reading! Oh well. People will never change, I guess we just have to try to be better and teach our kids how to deal with those kinds of people, so that one day their spirits won’t be broken by a bully (cyber or otherwise).
I hope you’re wrong about people never changing, but I understand where you’re coming from because it often feels like it won’t ever stop. My biggest hope is that even though adults are behind a lot of this that they are teaching their children that bullying is always wrong.
It takes real special kind of a**hole to make nasty comments from behind a computer screen. In fact, just yesterday I was treated to a “lesson” on how I spell my name incorrectly. And after I tried to be nice b/c it was someone work related, he kept drilling me over it.
The worst to date for me, was discovering an ex-employee’s blog who 5 years after we’ve worked together wrote about me – by FULL name – and listed the place of business. He alluded to the fact that the only way I had the position I did was b/c I did sexual favors. It took me an hour to figure out who he actually was b/c it had been so long since I had any interaction with him, and yet he recalls every detail. It hurt to read something that couldn’t be farther from the truth…but what can you do except become a stronger person for it.
I think that’s considered libel, and you could potentially sue him for it, if you think it will/has damaged your career.
That’s really so pointless (him posting that blog post). He clearly has a sad, sad life if he has nothing better going on.
People can be so disgusting and cruel. I was bullied in middle school. I remember being attacked by a girl because I wasn’t running fast enough in relay race. I cried the whole way home. Bullies SUCK. Online bullies, those horrible people who leave comments, especially anonymous comments, are sad, sad little people with CLEARLY no happiness in their lives. Period. I’ve had a few anonymous comments on my blog before, attacking my KIDS. Calling my kids overweight. F*ck that. I didn’t publish those posts, because A. Leave a name, bitch, and B. What I write on my blog is always honest, but always done with the idea that my kids will read this one day. And if someone says something MEAN about MY kids on MY blog? It will not get published. I mean, fine if you disagree with something I’m doing, etc., but not when you say “Your kids are fat.” That IS hurtful, even though I know the person saying this is only doing it to make me feel bad. I know I’m a good mom and I know my kids eat too much chocolate. But seriously, with the mean comments? Go away.
UGH! What kind of an asshole says mean things about someones child!! That makes me so mad. What a loser! xoxo
All I can say, is keep at it girls! There are more of us out there who support you all 100% and can’t wait to love, laugh and relate to your wonderful, honest, real blogs. Please don’t be discouraged by ignorant strangers, and know there are more people who support you and appreciate you putting yourselves out there so that the rest of us don’t feel so alone in such a mean world. Everyday, you truly make me feel better about myself, my body, my mothering skills, and my overall self-worth. You always make me laugh, which at this point in my life is the best part of all. I will keep on posting my positive comments and hopefully you can remember those and forget the haters out there.
Once I left a comment on a popular mom blog asking how the blogger handled play dates and team sports for her homeschooled kid. I was genuinely interested. I got hit with 6 different replies from other blog followers telling me everything from “it’s none of my business” to “you’re going to hell”… What’s worse is that when I emailed the blogger basically saying “hey call off your dogs” I got zero response. Needless to say I no longer read or comment there since any site that condones cyber bullying is not a place for me.
Something similar happened to me. I asked a blogger a question in the comments section, she moved it to twitter and called me and a friend names. It didn’t bother me as much as other harsh words because it was SO clearly a display of her lack of confidence that I knew it wasn’t really about me at all. But even knowing why doesn’t always stop it from feeling crappy.
Great post Katie.
Well said, Katie.
It really is amazing what vile people will spread from the safety of behind their keyboard.
I once got a response to a post I wrote over a year ago when my husbands ex-wife died. In my post, I wrote how shocked I was when we found out, and how thankful we were that my stepdaughter had slept through the ordeal.
The person who responded wrote that I was going to screw with my kids head and make her grow up to be a horrible person. Oh, and she copied that huge response and emailed it to me too. Just in case.
It amazes me how people will say things from their computer desk that they’d never have the courage to say to your face.
I once had an ex-girlfriend (‘ex’ because when my ex-husband and I split, she (along with three others) chose to end our friendship and make my life a living hell in the very small town I’d married into) verbally ATTACK my then 13 year old son for an opinion he’d expressed on Facebook. Told him how terrible he was, how embarrassed and ashamed she was of him, and ordered him to remove his post. Their venom, lies, and deceit hurt when it was directed towards me. When it was directed towards a CHILD, I was almost homicidal. But how do you defend against that kind of attack? Responding always makes it worse. You simply cannot have a battle of intelligence with an unarmed person.
Someone needs to explain to these people that age and size does not one a grown up make. :/
One of the things that I learned is that you cannot defend. You cannot respond, you cannot defend. When people enter this mode of attack, they are no longer reasonable. They won’t listen to your points, they won’t care that you’re hurt, they won’t hear anything you say or ask. It’s taken me YEARS of this to realize because I always tried to reason with bullies. I always tried to convince them that I was a good person, that they didn’t have to be so mean, etc etc etc.
Deleting is all you can do. Deleting and teaching your son that what that person did is not okay and what she said is not true. Surround yourself with people who know better and shut out those that don’t.
And trying to argue with them, trying to defend yourself, that only gives them more power, and that’s why they do it — they want to have power over something, someone. I hate to say it, but the only thing you can do is be the bigger person and not let them see how it affects you, and show your child how much you love him (her?) and let your child know that the bully is an idiot. A really sad, pathetic idiot.
Or you can beat the crap out of the bully. I did that in 5th grade, and no one ever messed with me again. But I don’t think that works so much when you’re a grown-up, unless you like being arrested for assault.
I have often said that I am beyond grateful that we didn’t have FB and Twitter and whatever else when I was in middle school/high school. If not just because I had NO filter and would of been that crazy girl who’s status updates would of been sooooooo melo-dramatic (Rachel is wondering why he doesn’t love me?), but because I know that I was (and still am, to a point) such a people pleaser that I would of been ILL should someone have mentioned me. OR, even worse, what if I was never mentioned? Dear Gd, I am so glad I am old.
Unfortunately I think anonymity is the problem. People are much more virulent knowing that no will be able to point at them and name them for what they are. More often than not, it leads to actions without consequences but I think the world is catching on. We are already seeing criminal charges for cyber bulling and though I loathe the idea that charges would ever have to be filed (lets all be civil shall we?) I hope that good can come out of it by giving people pause before they spew hatred across the net.
I totally agree. I feel like if people had to attach their name and then know that they would be google-able, or that their employer and family could see what they wrote, we wouldn’t see nearly as much cyberbullying.
I was bullied when I was younger (I was shy, overweight, nerdy & my mom was a teacher at my school = perfect bullying victim), but I’ve never been the subject of cyberbullying. Maybe because I’m just not popular enough to garner that kind of attention. I limit my FB friends to people who ARE actually friends (which include fabulous people I’ve met through blogging, but have never met in person). And the people who read my blog are people who actually know me in one way or another.
In the spirit of full disclosure, I’ll admit while I’ve never specifically bullied anyone, I’ve made unkind comments about people. Everyone does. When I was in high school, if my friends would mock someone behind her back, I’d join in. After being the dumpee for so long I so desperately wanted to be accepted. Which is no excuse. And when I think about how those girls would have felt if they’d known, I am incredibly ashamed.
When I started college I finally learned to like me. Just for who I am. I became stronger after that. I didn’t need to make snarky comments about other people to make myself feel better. My brother had a teacher in high school who always told her students that you don’t have to blow out someone else’s candle to make yours burn brighter. Unfortunately, not everyone understands that.
Great post, but also so scary at the same time. I have been teetering with the idea of starting a blog of my own. I have been a loyal reader to several of the writers here for about 2 years now and the crap you girls have to endure is well, just a bit intimidating. I’d like to think I have thick enough skin that I could just let it roll off my shoulders but I’m not so sure now. I was working on the blog setup and trying to get a basic one going but then..
My 15 year old daughter was bullied at school,on FB and MySpace and it spilled over into school and she was attacked and beaten in the rest room in early March. She is healed physically, but emotionally there is still work to be done. Someone attacked my kid both on the computer and in real life and I am so broken up about it all. I have a hard time dealing with all the ugly in the world.
I enjoy reading all the blogs I keep up with and I have a hard time seeing the trolls post such nasty comments on your blogs, so I can’t imagine how I’d be able to handle it on mine.
You are all awesome and talented writers and the fact that people take time to spew such nastiness and usually anonymously, is just shameful.
It takes guts and courage to write about things near and dear to you for all to read and open up the parts of your lives with us that you do. More power to all of you as I am a chicken at the moment.
That is just horrible what happened to your daughter. I was extremely lucky in that 99% of my bullying was with words not fists, but I understand a small bit of the fear I’m sure your daughter must still have.
As far as trolls on blogs, you have to delete the comments. For the first 3 years I wrote, I published them and responded to them. In the last year, I realized that it wasn’t doing me any good. People who hate me are going to continue to hate me and I don’t have room for them, or their comments in my life or on my blog. So now I delete and don’t let myself be as hurt by them. I hope that if you really want to write that you don’t let the possibility of bullying stop you.
Thankfully I’ve only had one or two really bad comments. I just delete them and move on. I agree with Katie that you can’t really change anyone’s opinion about you and getting into a cyber argument is nothing but a waste of time.
BUT, I do think we should stand up and say something when we see it happening to someone else. I do think it is ok to call people out when they are being a bully and actually say, “hey, that’s not ok.” Because it isn’t. It isn’t ok to treat people badly. I’m not sure what has happened to just plain old politeness, but I would love to see it make a come back.
I was overweight and not well-off, but went to a private school, thus, the teasing and bullying was virtually constant. I lived in fear of any time not in the classroom. I now very much fear that when I have children they will have to go through far worse in today’s cyber-bullying age. I am now a happy adult and am glad my parents taught me that picking on and being mean to others was NEVER ok, but I am terrified of the emotional damage this new breed of bullying may cause. I’d like to know how the mothers on this (wonderful) website handle it? Do you deal with it at home, teaching your child that it’s really the bullies who have the problem? Do you approach teachers, principals, other parents? Does any of it really make any difference?
I play a game on Facebook called “Sorority Life” (don’t judge me) and cyber bullying is constant. Women make fun of other women who have lost children, whose parents have passed on, and even disabled persons. I’m not the nicest person in this world, but the stuff that Ive seen in this game is unbelievable. Luckily there are repercussions and those persons do get banned from Facebook and the game, but that doesn’t make the hurt go away.
I even had someone steal my profile picture and Photoshop it to give me devil horns, then make a character on the game called “Big Forehead” (cause yah, mine is HUGE). After a week of having my picture, and a physical threat via inbox message, he was banned from Facebook.
I believe anyone who posts personal things about themselves does risk being bullied, but that doesn’t stop me from blogging or social networking. Erase the evidence and eventually “out of sight out of mind” (This may not be a popular opinion with everyone. I truly don’t mean to offend)
WHAT?! That is CRAZY! I’m sorry that happened to you!
This was over a GAME on Facebook. I had another lady somehow steal my IP address and send it to the FBI for “cyber stalking.” I had never had any interaction with this woman.
I have a bully, whom I affectionately call my stalker. She is the current girlfriend of my ex-fiance whom I have only ever met twice in person.
She for some reason out of the blue, started sending me hate e-mails and leaving horrible incendiary accusatory comments on my various sites and blogs. She accused me of breaking into her house, of leaving my ex with debt he couldn’t get out of (untrue-we paid our credit cards off every month) of being in drug and alcohol rehab, of stealing their dog, etc.
All this while I was married, taking care of my Mom at home, working full time and then some (middle management) and living 60 miles away minding my own business.
Then she started on my kids and my mother, and I can’t even write what was said. She devotes entire blogs to me. This has gone on for 6 years, and I can’t get away from her. I was able to get a few of her things shut down for TOS violations, but she always resurfaces.
I don’t think I should have to disconnect my life because of her.
Recently she called my HR director at work, and I decided to make a police report.
So far it hasn’t helped.
I get into what I call the cycle; where I feel the need to defend myself even though I know I’m feeding the troll when I do. If I ignore her, she tries to friend me on facebook, flckr, follow me on twitter, or incite me in other ways.
The absolute worst part of the whole ordeal is that I find my writing now to be ‘stunted’ and censored because I know she reads everything I write.
It’s so frustrating and disheartening.
I am speechless.
I simply cannot believe a person would behave that way, how insecure she must be!
Give me her site. She makes me want to bully her back. What a bitch!
Much as I’d love too…high road et al. Which is a long and lonely one.
Can you threaten legal action? Have you seen a lawyer?
I filled out a police report for harassment, and my lovely HR Director complied with a statement of her own. The electronic bitch slapping continues however, I don’t believe it will ever end.
DUDES. Just go read the piece that I wrote on this site about how to get a job. People are asses. One person even told me there is nothing human about what I do. Another told me to get off my high horse. And someone else told me my company should fire me.
Really? All of that for telling people how to ace a job interview? Freaking trolls.
I loved that post, Meredith. Geesh.
REALLY??? People pay hundreds of dollars for advice you gave for FREE….this is why people aren’t nice anymore.
I for one appreciated what you said. Fuck the haters.
I play a MMORPG (yes I’m a geeky gamer girl and I like it) and the bullying is constant from people who feel they can say whatever they want you because its just a “game”. The amount of sexism and racism that exist in the online gaming communities is just unbelievable…at times it can just suck the joy out out of playing a game that I love.
This was a great post. I’m always torn about bullying comments. Like, do I keep them up so that my blog is more genuine and “real” or do I trash them because it’s MY BLOG, dammit, and I don’t need that garage on my turf? I mean, if it abuses OTHERS, I have no problem dumping it, but if it’s mean-spirited toward me, I’m always like, “Well, Tara, you DID put yourself out there. There’s consequences to that.”
Not too long ago, I was attacked on my blog. It was women I “knew” from another forum. It was a sensitive post about my daughter, who has ADHD and a mood disorder. I was devastated. My good friend came to my rescue. She went into my comment account and deleted the comments as fast as they came in. She explained to me that this was exactly why she started something called The Mom Pledge. I have taken the pledge to help stop cyber-bullying, and I wanted to direct you there so you can take a stand with us.
http://efloraross.com/ (Will you take the pledge?)
I’ve actually been a victim of cyberbullying by my own sister, very passive-aggressive, but still it was bullying nonetheless. I wrote an innocent comment; which she, in her own mind, took as an affront to herself. It wasn’t. A few minutes later, she wrote on her FB about how ‘some people’ were clearly evil and how she was the victim in all this. We no longer talk.
My whole life, I’ve been a victim of my very own bully, my mother.
Karen’s comment brings up something for me that I’m still struggling with. Karen, I’m using your post as an example, but I see it a lot and I wanted to see what other people think. What you said about your mom being a bully makes perfect sense, since part of being a bully/victim is a power imbalance and nobody owns you like your mother. My question is more about the thing with your sister. The situation (just the way you’ve outlined it – no extra knowledge) seems like an argument between equals and I don’t know why that would be bullying. I’m sure it hurt your feelings (and hers, too, it sounds like), but I can’t reconcile it with bullying.
The power imbalance is the same thing people are talking about when they say that “You put yourself out there, so you deserve it.” We don’t feel at all guilty when we judge dresses at the Academy Awards or trash a book, song, or movie, so I understand why people treat any presented “entertainment” as fair game. And, just like with celebrities, we get even more personal than judging professional output and make fun of hair, weight, marriages, behavior, and goofy kid names, never considering that one little voice in the sea of praise has an impact. You assume that the person with the internet presence has *at least* as much power as an anonymous critic. So, when is it “just” mean and when is it bullying?
You bring up a really interesting point that I’m not completely sure I can reply to. When I was bullied in school it was by people my age, we were equals and there was no power imbalance, but they were absolutely bullying. I think that power and equality is all relative.
To me, bullying is when someone does or says something that is meant to cause harm. When they does something with the intent of being unkind, of being hurtful because they can.
As far as the part about celebrities, I don’t know. I guess to me it really depends upon intent. I think that very few people who talk or write about celebrities are doing it to be mean and if told it had hurt someone’s feelings would stop and apologize immediately. Whereas if a bully is told that their words or actions hurt someone, they would only be empowered to continue with what they’re doing.
I think a lot of my opinions are still evolving and I appreciate the comment you left because it is absolutely giving me pause and making me think.
No, thank you for having this exact discussion with me, because this is what needs to happen. This discussion is brave, and you are awesome for starting it.
So thank you, Shel, seriously!
That just sucks. I was just wondering if you could sue her for libel or something like that.
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