Do you like to watch television shows that make you rather squirmy and uncomfortable? I do!
On a weekly basis, my DVR records shows featuring people shooting heroin into their veins, working out so hard they puke, and women that live in filthy, bug infested homes and have more cats than they do teeth.
They’re are freak shows, but let’s face it, we watch them because they make us feel better about our own crummy circumstances.
Sure, I’m broke, but I’m not prostituting myself for Oxycodone this week. And yeah, my kids might be driving me to drink, but I don’t have maggots in my kitchen, and I don’t collect margarine tubs filled with nail clippings and squirrel carcasses.
So, I have that going for me.
But, few things make me more uncomfortable than the show Toddlers & Tiaras. It’s a train wreck of bad parenting. Tell me you don’t feel like a model parent after watching a woman (or an astonishingly unaware effeminate male) living vicariously through her child by putting fake eyelashes, cake makeup, and hair extensions on kids that are barely potty trained.
I think each and every parent thinks their kids are gorgeous and talented enough to win the Ultimate Premium Platinum Grand Supreme Whatever the Grandeur of the World title. But, the parents on this show are willing to go that extra Koo-Koo-for-Cocoa-Puffs mile to prove it, including, but not limited to:
- Combining names or the “let’s get creative with the spelling” names. Unless they have names like Calliemay, MichealaJo, or Madyllynn they won’t stand a chance.
- Pantomiming the child’s routine from the crowd, looking like an ass. It’s physically painful to see how badly these women want (their child) to win! All for a crown and, what, $50? That’s totally worth a life of narcissism and body issues, no?
- One word: flippers. Fake Hillary Duff horse teeth that hide the age appropriate teeth that a child has—you know, the ones that fit the size of their face.
- The head shots look like the kid has been drugged, covered in high gloss and turned into a doll, and not a sweet life-like doll. The creepy kind of doll that kills people in horror movies.
- Forcing a kid to do a personal maintenance that you don’t do REGULARLY and with a smile… spray tan, waxing, wearing fake nails.
- Bribing the child to make mommy proud with Red Bull, Pixie Stix, or video games.
- Dressing a kid up in a Vegas Showgirl whore outfit with Bobbie socks.
- Paying $1500 for said Vegas Showgirl dress, dance lessons, travel expenses, stylist and pageant entry fees as opposed to, oh, I don’t know, upgrading from the trailer.
(Yeah, I feel pretty good about my parenting right now.)
So tell me, do you watch the Toddlers & Tiaras? Could you be a Pageant Mom in a high glitz pageant? Do you think it’s good for their ego and self-esteem, or is it going too far?