Just the thought of dating makes me cringe.
But, sometimes I get tired of being my own party companion, and I decided that I was sort of ready to date again after living in widow solitude for two-and-a-half years.
And by sort of, I mean I asked all of my gay boyfriends if they had any straight friends. When that didn’t work out, I decided to join the ranks of all the other hip kids and get myself an online dating profile.
It was like taking the ACT.
Pages and pages of questions, lists of my likes, dislikes, heck, everything but my underwear preference. Once making it through that, I had to write my profile. The stress of the test questions left me anxious, which made me thirsty, which led to wine. Next thing I knew, I had a buzz, and apparently, that left me using phrases like ”blow job,” And also referencing my nice rack.
Turns out, that’s frowned upon over at Match.com. Soon after hitting submit, I got an e-mail rejecting my profile. Wait, so I’m supposed to pay you to find an edited-down version of myself a date? Oh hell no.
According to the rejection letter, I used “language deemed inappropriate” in my profile. Fair enough, Looking it over, I removed the reference to the guy not being a total douche bag, so I changed it to jerk and re-submitted. Rejected.
I removed all the dirty words like tits, blow jobs and Astro Glide, and even deleted my mention of my Three Sixes rule.
(If you don’t know what the 6-6-6 rule is, don’t worry, I’m not a devil worshipper. It simply means 6 Feet—6 Figures—6 inches. Hey, I’ve been there, I can’t go back.)
I deleted my desire for him not to have been, or currently be doing, anything that would land him on America’s Most Wanted, as well as the fact that I was opinionated and argumentative, but was awesome at make-up sex. I added fun personal tidbits, like how my dream date would involve a unicorn, football and Krispy Kreme, and I thought I was pretty cute, funny and there was no way anyone with a penis could resist me. My profile was practically looking virginal at this point.
By the time I received my next rejection e-mail, I had already been looking for the nearest convent or adult goodies store.
So, I packed up and I tried out another free dating website that was a bit more liberal with their profile requirements. I had high hopes.
My first suitor was an 81-year-old man from Georgia. He wanted to take me to Olive Garden, and have me meet him halfway.
If you’re that old and wrinkly, and want me to go out with you, you best be picking me up and springing for Maggiano’s.
Despite the lure of grandpa’s wiles, I decided to jump ship on that site as well. If I want to meet old perverts, I’ll just go to Craigslist. Or Waffle House.
I didn’t revise any of my profiles. I didn’t pay any dating sites so they could give me suggestions outside of the parameters I had set. I’m not going to pay you for disappointment like this…..
I decided that I’d just have to be happy with my gay boyfriends and porn.
And then, totally out of nowhere, I got a date from Twitter.
We went to an Auburn home game, spent 12 hours together, and had a great time.
He’s cute, likes football and can keep up with me on alcohol consumption. His only flaw is his choice of sports teams.
But he hasn’t tried to take me to Olive Garden yet, so I may keep him around.
Curvy Girl Guide writer, Kim, is a cajun girl. Widow, a slave to Steve Jobs, a weather geek, Auburn Tiger, Mayor Emeritus of Long Island Iced T-Town, Social Media Misfit, and kibble server for two terriers. You can find Kim on her blog, Live from the 205 and on twitter.