Since I was about seven years old, my mother has been a life coach. For the uninitiated, a life coach is sort of like a traditional therapist, except for one very crucial difference. In the words of my mom, “It is not about what is wrong, it is about what is right.” There is less, “How does that make you feel,” and more, “You are an amazing, powerful person who is in charge of your own destiny.” This is the sort of teaching that’s at the core of the self-help industry. That’s a pretty great message to spread, right? I understand this. I support the main lesson discovery, encouragement, and celebration of self-worth. I get it.
You see, my issue isn’t so much over the core of the message as it is over the fact that the self-help industry exists in the first place. More specifically, the fact that it needs to exist; the undeniable need of our society for consistent outward approval. I know that the self-help industry, and life coaches, and authors of self-help books are, on the whole, great people; I promise, I love my mother very much. A very small portion of these people are in it for the money, although it can be a very lucrative business. I am all for the type of wonderful self-empowerment that the industry offers; I have heard and seen first hand many of the success stories. I know that for some people, coaching or seminars or books offer the breakthrough that they so badly need. I just hate that it has to exist at all.
Who decided that we, as the human race, couldn’t see our true potential unless we paid someone, or went to a seminar, or read a book about it? Where did that unhealthy mentality come from? Is it not enough to see that we are special, to know we are special, that we are capable of beautiful things? To realize that we hold the power to create life, make the world a better place for future generations, save lives and cure disease, be amazing wives and mothers and citizens of the world? Someone, please, explain to me where along the way we lost ourselves.
It’s time to create an environment in which this kind of stuff is obvious. Where you don’t have to be told that no matter your background, the mistakes you’ve made or the hard times you may have fallen upon, there is hope. That you can be something. This sense of self-worth needs to start at home, not in the new age section of your local bookstore, or the lecture hall of a community center. We need to start teaching this to our children. This will not change unless we start from the ground up. For some people, this sense of worth manifests as God’s plan; for others, finding a place in the universe; for still others, the meaning of life. Whatever you call it, whatever doctrine you choose to believe? It doesn’t matter. What matters is that you know that you are worthy.
I know that I sound like somewhat of a hypocrite, that I just espoused sentiments which are not all that different from the very core of the self-help industry. In fact, it’s sort of becoming a trend; my last article was kind of a billboard for self-worth. Like I said, it’s not the industry that I dislike, it is the reason for its existence in the first place.
It also bears mentioning that what I’m talking about is not patting someone on the head, telling them that they are special, and moving on down the line. Constructive criticism is helpful. It is necessary. I will be the first person to tell you that “try, try again” does not work if you are pursuing something that is not in your nature. However, there is a fundamental difference between shielding a person from any type of negativity, and instilling in them an inherent sense of self-worth.
What do you think? Do I sound like a complete and utter hypocrite? Is this a larger need based on human nature? Or do you think, as I do, that the self-help industry is a small-scale solution to a societal problem; one that must be addressed at home, from a young age. Please, let me know what you think.
Fallon lives in Western WI geographically, but her heart will always be in the suburbs of Chicago, where she was born and partially raised. She’s 18 years-old with a high school degree and a year off to focus on sleep, work, and various other shenanigans. She’ll being going to college in the fall for a double major in Broad Field Social Studies and Secondary Education with a minor in Japanese. You can read more from Fallon on her blog, Childlike Abandon.
Wow.
I’m in awe of the self-awareness and self-actualization you have to even begin to recognize that this is all true.
This is very well-said and very much needed to read.
Though I think the self-help industry will always be popular among people looking to better themselves, it could be a much smaller industry if parents, teachers, and people of influence knew better how to instill worthiness in children.
Yes.
I think there will always be a place for the type of external catalyst that the self-help industry can provide; and, that it can be lessen in size dramatically, if we begin to equip our children with the knowledge and self-awareness they deserve.
“Is it not enough to see that we are special, to know we are special, that we are capable of beautiful things?”
The problem is that there are people, millions of people, who DON’T see that. They have low, or no, self-esteem. Or derive their worth from how other people see them rather than how they see themselves.
And I agree. This is sad. But I don’t think this is society’s fault. Individual personalities and needs are varied and complex. Different strokes for different folks. There will always be people who need that external support. Just as there will always be people who say screw everyone else and only their own opinion matters.
amen!
I agree that blaming society is not a one size fits all solution. There are a myriad of different factors – one’s upbringing being chief among those – that contribute to one’s personality.
I also agree that there will always be people who need external support – and there is nothing wrong with that.
I do believe, however, that society is at least part of the problem, and by the same token, can also be part of the solution.
I had a life coach last year. We “met” on the phone twice a month from January through August. I had this opportunity because I am serving with AmeriCorps, and as a perk they provide us with a life coach to walk with us through one of the most defining experiences of our lives.
I didn’t take this opportunity to have a life coach because I thought I wasn’t good enough. I took this opportunity because I wanted to get the most out of my AmeriCorps experience as possible. I’m not sure I would have had nearly as positive of an experience without my life coach. I am so grateful that a complete stranger pushed me to be a better me. Not everyone seeks out therapy, counseling, or life coaching to be told that they are worth it. Sometimes we seek these opportunities out to be better people, for ourselves and those we surround ourselves with. For me, I needed to find myself in order to meet the needs of the youth I was (and currently still am) serving.
I agree that some of these conversations should be starting at home, but I would argue that not every home environment could foster this in a positive, effective way.
Interesting argument you have posed here though…
First of all, I knew that I loved AmeriCorps as an organization, but that? Is awesome.
I will concede that for the purposes of this article, I specifically targeted one reason – in my mind, the most problematic – why people seek help from life coaches. It certainly wasn’t my intention to paint the picture that it was the ONLY type of work that life coaches do. I am glad you raised that point, and I do think it is important for someone who perhaps isn’t as familiar with the self-help industry to consider the many facets of what the industry does. I know that I am always looking to be a better version of myself. I am glad that you had such a great experience!
I agree that not every home has the capacity to teach this to their children; this, for me, points to the larger societal problem that I mentioned. Although really, that’s a whole other topic.
Thanks for your feedback!
And you’re how old???
This is so well spoken, well thought out and just plain incredible.
We live in such an environment of neediness for validation and accolades. When can we just be that for ourselves? I am my own cheering section, most days. And that’s all I should really need. Anything else is just icing on the cake.
P.S. I like this analogy because it means that I am cake. Mmm.
How disturbing is it that I also like the image that the analogy of you-as-cake brings to mind?
I don’t think you’re hypocritical or off-base, but I also don’t have a problem with the concept of self-help. I learn better–no matter the topic–with others than by myself. I’m glad to have teachers and partners with me when I’m trying to improve myself.
You are so right. Feelings of self-worth and empowerment should be taught at home. Unfortunately, parents are not always healthy enough themselves to pass this insight down to their spawn. This is my beef with society in general, that unhealthy people have kids and continue the cycle. I am so with you on your views of what society should be like. Reality is much less pretty. I trully believe that people want to be healthy, but many don’t know how to do that on their own. For that reason, I am happy the self-help industry exists.
forgive me if I misread your post…
“my issue isn’t so much over the core of the message as it is over the fact that the self-help industry exists in the first place. More specifically, the fact that it needs to exist”
so, athletes should fire their trainers and coaches? students shouldn’t be taught by a teacher at a school? doctors should disregard medical school?
I believe a life coach isn’t just someone who says “yeah go you! you rock! wow, that’s so awesome! good for you! you should be so proud of yourself!” A life coach also spends time helping some choose the best avenue for him/herself in life, form positive and long-lasting relationships, sort out difficulties s/he faces, implement positive thought strategies.. etc etc. A life coach helps someone live better; I don’t think this means their parents, society, whatever failed them in any way.
What a wonderful blog. I am a Life & Reecovery Coach and I completely agree with you. I specialise in helping people recovering from addictions. I would not have a job if no-one suffered from addcitions and yet of course I would rather no-one had to suffer that in the first place.
If it helps at all, I think sometimes our crappy lives and hurts teach us the most of all. I am an alcoholic myself and actually I have come to a mindset where I am now HAPPY I had my awful life and all my problems. And this is what I try to make my clinets feel and understand too.
Maybe life is not about what we think it should be, maybe it’s all one process of learning – we learn fastest and deepest from trouble and tragedy.
Best wishes,
Beth
Sort My Life Solutions
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