It seems as though I am surrounded by people that are happily married. Sweet anecdotes are shared, complete with longing glances and a loving brush of the other’s hand. They offer a non-flailing pillar of support for each other’s ventures. They share ridiculous Facebook status updates about having the “greatest spouse in the world”.
It’s enough to make me sick.
My husband and I are not that couple.
I have been married for 15 years (I’m afraid to do the math, but, yes, that means many of you reading were still in high school or even, GOD HELP ME, elementary school!) So we have determined that I am oldish er go wiser (like how I put the positive spin on it there?)
I’m not going to lie. The romance is gone. We bicker. We nitpick. We criticize. We know which buttons to press and press the hell out of them at times. We are essentially an episode of Roseanne or Everybody Loves Raymond without the laugh track. (If those shows were on HBO or Showtime- due to graphic language.)
It’s not glamorous. It’s not perfect. It may not even be normal, but it’s us. Sometimes I wonder, have I settled? Am I just comfortable? Should I want more?
And sometimes, I do want more.
Sure, I had dreams of blissful happiness. I would have liked moonlit walks on a beach, hand in hand, being adored and told how beautiful I was and put on a pedestal every day. But that’s not my reality. Five kids, too many sleepless nights to count, and two mortgages is my reality. Getting by is my reality. And we do.
Just when I think I’ve reached the end of my rope and can’t take it anymore, I’m hit with the brightness of a new day, the smell of coffee, the sound of the baby cooing in the monitor, or my five year old sounding out words on the back of the cereal box and I’m back in it again- renewed- for the next few hours, at least.
Blissful happiness? Probably not.
He’s watched my stretch marks form and multiply. I’ve seen his hairline creep and watch what’s left turn gray. We buy much larger clothes than we used to and have lines in our face that used to not be there. I’ve rolled my eyes through many a man cold and he’s laughed at me with facial hair remover cream on. It may not always be pretty but we have a history, memories, and a life that we built- together.
He may not be my Prince Charming and I’m probably not his Princess, but this guy, he’s a decent guy. He doesn’t beat me or cheat on me. He’s a good dad. We both have twisted senses of humor and like to laugh at people and embarrass our kids. We both enjoy a good medium rare steak and cold beer and sometimes, that’s good enough.
Here is my wisdom.
Life doesn’t always turn out the way you expect. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing.
I’m not part of that perfect Facebook couple, either. We’re both aware that neither of us is likely to take home the “most perfect wo/man in the world” award. But my new marriage motto is “love is a choice.” I choose to stay with you when it’s hard. I choose to compromise even when I’m sure I’m right (still working on that one – I’m usually REALLY sure that I’m right!). Glad to hear we’re not the only ones still in the haze of love (although we’re a little ways behind you – 10 years and 2 kids).
I am always right, I think things may be easier when he figures that out. In maybe another 15 years.
Loved this blog! Reading it made me feel like I was writing about my own marriage. Kudos girl!
This is a wise, wise post. My partner and I have been together for nearly ten years, and in some way we’re similar. We’re friends. We “get” each other. And I don’t think anything else in the world can really compare to that.
You may not be “that” couple, but you are REAL and I think most of us can relate.
I am all for romance here and there, but mostly? I just want to be with someone I know enough to trust with my life, and my children’s lives. That honeymoon stage is still about discovering new things, and I enjoy already knowing every move. It makes me feel safe.
And truthfully, if my life turned out how I would have expected it to, I would be missing out on how wonderful this life is.
Thank you for your post!
Wonderfully written Tena. Life is certainly unpredictable but it sounds like you are rolling with all the changes- and it is always nice when there is someone to share a beer and a steak with at the end of a long day.
That was a PERFECT post and my absolute reality as a woman married now for 7 1/2 years.
Life isn’t perfect, we’re not perfect so why not just enjoy the imperfect that’s placed in front of us?
I am 7 years into my marriage so I appreciate reading this. I am hoping to get to 15 years and look back on this time and chuckle. It has to get better for it to last! I describe our marriage in sitcom terminology also – we would best be depicted as “The King of Queens” if Arthur was the child instead of father and Carrie gained 50 pounds.
After 20 years of marriage I’ve realized that it isn’t all about the great big love affair. That’s nice and all, but what is more important is someone that cares about you and will stand by you no matter what. It is about all of the things that you mentioned. That hot, passionate love is great, but I’ll take the long lasting love every day of the week.
Sounds just perfect to me!! Great blog!
I love this to death! What you described is my marriage. My husband is what your husband is and me you. I love my husband completely and couldn’t ask for anything more. I mean, I could but then I wouldn’t have the memories and those are what matter most! The fact that we are both willing to continue to create the memories with our two children is what keeps me going each day.
Thank you for this.
Genny
Thank you for your honesty! I was so glad to see an honest and real blog about real life/love.
This is me. Except 8 years. And not 5 kids. Sent this link to a friend who I think desperately needs it right now. Thank you.
I’ve been married for almost 11 years, been living with him for almost 13 and known him for 22 years. I think the biggest problem I have with our relationship is that I bought that happily ever after picture, the one we read about or see on TV. It’s so not true, there are boring days, bad days, wonderful days, sad days and happy days, but the perfect days are few and far between. I am so glad to read your post today because more people need to see this is how real life is. Too many people get to the more comfortable place and think there is something wrong that there should be something special or better or bigger or what ever word you want to use and give up on what they have that works. Just because it’s not exciting and your heart doesn’t flutter when you see him doesn’t mean it’s not right. Too many people expect marriage, work, life to be easy and it’s just not always easy, but it can be ok anyway.
What’s a guy posting for? I was surfing the Internet and came across this blog. I though you might be interested in a man’s point of view- here goes.
I’ve been happily married for 30 years. Happily as in Tena describes in her opening statements.
I honestly don’t know what happened; way back when. We were madly and passionately in love with each other… for the several years before the children were born. I would awake in the morning and she would be lying there next to me, smiling at me, watching me sleep. She was my life, the person I thought about all day long, the person who I lived for, the person I centered my life around; and I truly believe her thoughts were the same. I can excuse some of these feelings for infatuation, but infatuation fades quickly after a marriage begins and we lived like this for several years; before the children were born.
I really think something happens to a woman when she goes through the experience of giving birth. Certainly the children are mine as much as they are hers (from a biological standpoint), but they didn’t grow in me and I didn’t experience the wonder of giving birth to them. It was, as if overnight, I went from the center of her life, the person her life revolved around; to someone who needed to “get out there and provide for her and he children” (not that I already wasn’t an ample provider). It was a shock for my status to be suddenly relegated to that of slightly above the family dog. I say this in jest, but in a way, that was the way it felt. I struggled with this for quite a while, and then finally resolved that this was the way it was going to be. It took a while, wondering what had changed with this terrific girl I had married, before I finally figured it out and resolved to be at peace with it.
My mind-set was that of widening my love to include the children; her mindset appears to be that of excluding me from this new inter-circle she had built. I only say this because I have seen it happen with other couples, with disastrous consequences and I’m hoping that through this post, maybe the ladies will be a little more conscious of what goes on and possibly be a little more sympathetic. I believe it happens, to a degree, with every family that raises children, though not possibly to the extreme it has with my marriage.
Thirty years later, the children have grown up and have their own lives, but the relationship I have with my wife never really recovered. I’d describe us now as “best friends”, still I can remember that wonderful girl I married way back when and fervently wish I could have her back again.
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