Gabriel’s father and I were never married.
We did, however, live together for three years.
I cannot pretend to be innocent of all crimes in that relationship (I have always been a terrible liar).
Damage breeds damage, cruelty breeds erratic behavior.
He used to cut me down, daily.
You’re not pretty enough.
You’re fat.
You don’t care about your body.
You don’t care about me.
If you cared about me you would make more of an effort.
It was peppered with professions of love, a hug after the verbal slap in the face, the emotional betrayal.
I remember the day that he told me, word for word, that I would never be good enough for him.
And then held me while I cried.
He cheated on me.
I left.
I came back.
I got pregnant.
I decided that I was going to be the exception to the Unspoken Single Mother rule. I was going to be the person who stayed. We loved each other, and we were going to work out. Maybe things would be different, with a baby.
He cheated on me.
I pretended not to know, he pretended it wasn’t true.
He cut me down.
He told me that my pregnant belly was repulsive.
That he couldn’t look at me.
He held me while I cried.
I stayed.
I stayed and stayed and stayed.
And I don’t like to talk about it because it makes me sound so profoundly stupid, but I let him grind away at me, bit by bit.
He eroded my perceptions of myself, and I let him.
I let myself become the person he thought I was.
That petty, nervous, jealous person.
I think I could have lived with it really. I had this shell built up around myself to keep some small part of me whole, and I think I could have stayed.
Ironically, the person who compelled me to stay and the person who gave me the strength to leave were one and the same.
My son.
Gabriel.
It was one thing to live this life, for myself, to be stuck here, for myself, to be this horrid person, for myself.
But to have Gabriel look at me? To look at us? To look at our relationship as a model? For what it means to partner with another person? I couldn’t stomach it.
My son, the reason I bound myself up in that hateful place, was the same reason that I made myself be strong enough to leave.
And leaving was scary.
Leaving was telling my family I was wrong.
Leaving was food stamps and cash aid and medi-cal.
Leaving was struggling from month to month.
Leaving was the debt that even today I can’t seem to eradicate.
Three and a half years later, here I am, left, gone.
And I’m so very glad I did.
Jenny Grace has been back in school for a year, raising her son for five, and growing up for twenty nine. She’s not quite done yet. Raised amongst goats and chickens on a ranch in the California countryside, she was sent off to high school at a Hindu yoga center, and spent her youth working at her family’s nightclub and bar. No really, Jenny grew up completely normal. Well, normal for a kid raised by hippies that is. Shrugging off her patchouli steeped roots, Jenny went on to get a Bachelor’s of Arts in Linguistics and a Master’s in Library and Information Science. Now she’s working on her Master’s in Accountancy. Don’t let degrees fool you though; she wastes most of her time with wine and crosswords. Jenny is a cunning linguist, honest beyond reason, and incapable of keeping her mouth shut. You can read more from Jenny Grace on her blog, Miss Disgrace.
So proud of you! Doing what is right for you and Gabriel is all that matters!!
Thanks Greis <3
I’m so glad you did, too.
You’re an amazing woman and Gabriel is going to become an amazing loving man.. because of YOU.
<3 you beautiful wonderful friend
Thanks Rachel. Love to you to pretty lady.
Wow! You rock, girl! Gabriel is a lucky little thing to have a Mama like you
Ha! Well only time will tell on that, but we can hope, right?
I’m glad you did, too. You’re an amazing person and a wonderful mother, and you made the right decision. xoxo
Thanks dude.
Your raw honesty is beautiful. And your use of short yet poignantly worded paragraphs artfully paints the scene of insecurity, emotional abuse and eventually the confidence that came with self-empowerment. Reading this I learned that empowerment often comes from admitting we were wrong. Thank you for posting this.
Amazing strength. Good for the both of you. More than good ENOUGH to build a beautiful amazing blessed life for the both of you.
Keep lookin’ up. You got this.
So much love for you and Gabriel. You’re stronger than you know.
Awesome to see your strength in both making the decision to leave and in sharing the story with us.
Fantastic post. It’s amazing how our choices change when we have the adorable little face WATCHING us all the time. Like you, I want my children to admire me and consider me a role model.
I imagine you stayed because you genuinely believed what he was telling you.
No matter the reason you left, I hope you realize that you are, in fact, far too good for him and you always were.
Thank you for sharing this with us.
So poignant, painful, and beautifully stated. Thank you for sharing. You and Gabriel are both lucky to have each other!
Wow. You are beautiful.
XOXO
This really touched me because, just over 20 years ago, I could have written the same story, almost word for word. I remember finally deciding that bankruptcy and welfare were better than living that life of constant torment and abuse. It was the right decision for me and for my daughter.
It worked out; I never went bankrupt and I kept our heads above water. Our lives got much, much better.
You are a strong, intelligent woman, Miss Jenny Grace, and there is a bright future ahead for you and Gabriel. I wish you all the love and luck in the world. You did the right thing. Always know that.
Gawd thank you! So many people just stay and they make these stupid excuses that they are doing it for their kids and its just so disappointing. What you said, about the two of you being the model for what his future relationships will be is exactly right. The nail had been hit on the head. I hope that maybe one person reads this and realizes that we DO survive, we can. They can too.
I think that more people need to talk about why they leave. We are creating relationship models for our children, y’know?
Exactly. When people have seemingly questioned me, it’s come down to the line that someone once said to me: Refuse to allow your daughter to think that being treated well a fraction of the time is worth being put down or disrespected the rest; refuse to allow her to grow up thinking that a bottle can solve problems, and that feeling or caring about someone is supposed hurt; refuse to let her think that not feeling is better than being present in a relationship.
You guys have boys, so I think even more you have challenges to face as Moms, because not only is it about modelling how relationships shouldn’t work (and how they should), but it’s also about teaching them, from a female perspective, how women deserve to be treated. Huge load and I think you’re both going to do an awesome job.
I’m so, so glad you left that relationship. For you AND for Gabriel. You are gorgeous and smart and hilariously funny, and you deserve so much better. xoxo
I understand about getting ground down so you aren’t even sure you trust your own perceptions anymore. It took me a good 3-4 years to really erase most of the emotional damage, and there are even pockets that pop up today, like the belief that I am essentially unloveable.
Your choices and this post all took an awesome amount of strength. Your son is a very lucky boy.
Gabriel is one lucky little boy to have a strong and BEAUTIFUL mother like you.
This post is amazing. Thank you for sharing this story.
I’ve always seen you as a strong, grounded, amazing Mama. I’m really glad you left. You’re wonderful, Jenny.
I’ve been told that men look for a woman who reminds them of their mother. I’m sure that your son is going to find a kick-ass, STRONG woman to love. And that YOU are going to teach him the right way to love her.
xoxo
I’m proud of you lady. For leaving. For speaking your truth. For showing your son that life should be better than that.
Hugs darling.
One of the best things my mother ever did for ME was to leave my father. They are both better because of it. And so are their children. That took a lot of balls to head out on your own. I applaud you for being so open. I bet you a bajillion trillion some other woman who is struggling will read this & be brave enough to leave their own shitty situation. It’s obvious that you love your son with every atom of your being. According to your friend’s comments above, you are pretty damn amazing- I hope you believe it. P.S. that guy is an asshole.
Remarkable strength from an undoubtedly strong woman. Inspirational story, thank you.
I’m glad you left. I’m glad Gabriel has such a strong mama.
You’re amazing. Don’t let anyone ever tell you different.
Oh my lord, woman. Strong, beautiful woman… good for you. It’s the best gift you could ever give your boy… and he’ll grow up knowing what strength in a woman looks like – he will seek what he knows in his life.
Brava, brave soul. xoxox
brave for leaving & brave for sharing.
here’s hoping that time will continue to show you that you made the right choice.
Awesome.
you stayed and you left for the same exact reasons= Gabriel.
after reading this i’m convinced your story is just as about the same as my best friends. he cheated,she stayed, he cheated, she pretended not to know. her 4th pregnancy while she was in labor she had to drive herself to the hospital because he was out screwing one of the many whores he cheated on her with.
finally(and thankfully) she decided she had had enough. with four children she left. did NOT even know what the hell she was going to do, but she had to do it for her kids. foodstamps & medi-cal, she felt like a failure. BUT she got out ans was free and we reminded her it is what she needed to to. Now 6 years later she is happy, supports herself and her kids, and is engaged.
a lot of woman call themselves stupid or lame for staying with someone like that..but only YOU yourself knows when you are done. and you did. You are a strong woman and from what i can tell a fantastic mother with a very handsome little boy that is going to grow up into a wonderful man.
keep doing what your doing.
xoxo
It’s SO hard to get out. Even harder than it is to deal with the abuse. I didn’t even have a baby and it took me a year and two bruises shaped like his hands. He wasn’t as scared of going to jail as I was of what he would do when he got out. Good for you. You’re a stronger woman because of it. At least, I like to think that I am.
<3
I just want to thank everyone for all the sweet, loving comments on this post. Truly.
Your leaving helped me find the strength to get out of my shitty relationship (the fact that I got into an even worse one right afterward is beside the point….) which, in turn, helped a friend of mine find the strength to get out of HER shitty relationship.
Lovely post. Those fucking abusive douchebags….
Just know that you have helped someone out there, in writing this. You are a blessing!
You are amazing. Truly.
Thank you for sharing your very powerful story.
Love to you always.
I am not sure how I stumbled upon this site, but I am so very glad I did. Thank you for putting this into perspective for those of us caught in that awful in-between… “should I stay and give him another chance? Or should I leave and be done with it all?”
I wish you and your son all the best.
-Jen
And the woman that remains? She is FIERCELY LOVELY. Warm and fun and Omyword beautiful.
**STANDING OVATION**
Oh, I love you. You are wonderful and I’m so proud of you.
He is evil
What a scary decision to have to make. But I’m so glad you’ve set a strong example for your little one.
Kudos to you. I know pretty well what you went through: my first marriage was basically what you wrote about, plus some college-age dumbness thrown in for good measure. And I didn’t really have a problem with the constant fights and him chipping away at my self-estem bit by bit – up until the moment D. was born. Once he was there, it was as if a veil was lifted and I realized two things: one, every single fight would have a bad effect on him. (He would join me every single time I cried.) Two, he would pick up every erratic behaviour of that man if I stayed and allowed him to be influenced. So I left, when he was only eight months old.
The concept of leaving because of your chid seems new, but it isn’t. One important thing that gave me the courage to leave was a book. I suggest everyone who has issues with their partner reads it: Anne Bronte’s The Tenant of Wildfell Hall. It deals with a woman leaving her abusive husband to protect their child – in the 1830s, when it was illegal and practically unthinkable to do so. It didn’t take me long to realize that I was living that book. If you realize the same thing, you will probably also realize that you have to live the ending as well.
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