Recently I was at the nail salon getting a much needed mani/pedi. Most of the time I close my eyes and take a little mini nap.
The woman sitting next to me was restless. She kept shifting in her seat and making more noise than seemed acceptable. It was really screwing up my napping while getting my toes done routine.
I watched as she scribbled on a piece of paper—the date and time. Then she asked the nail tech who was working on her to take a picture of her holding the paper.
To say it was odd is an understatement. I tried letting it go and just enjoy the little piece of me-time that comes so rarely these days. But I couldn’t stand it. I had to butt in her business.
“Excuse me.” I said to her. “I’m sorry to be so nosy but why did you take a picture with you holding up a piece of paper with the date and time?”
She smiled at me—she was strikingly pretty—I hadn’t noticed before, and said, “It’s OK. I don’t mind telling you.” And then she let out a sigh. Which caused me to let out a sigh.
“I had an affair. It only lasted a few months, but then I felt so guilty and horrible about it I told my husband. He was devastated. It was the worst time in our lives. I didn’t want a divorce. I love my husband. I just felt stuck, you know? So I went out and did this terrible thing and then felt bad about it. My husband decided to forgive me, but it came with a price. Since he obviously can’t trust me—and I don’t blame him—I have to check in with him. When I go somewhere I document that I’m really AT THAT PLACE by sending him pictures with the date and time. I’m hoping to build up the trust again over time.” And then she stopped talking for a second and seemed to be waiting for my response.
At this point, my mouth was agape.
Two things were going on in my mind.
A. Why did I open my big mouth?
B. Oh my god, did she really just tell me all that?
“So you carry around a legal pad and pen with you everywhere?” (Seriously, that’s all I could muster.)
“Yes. And I will do it for as long as it takes to save my marriage and get my husband back.”
And then she turned away, lay her head back, and closed her eyes. Our conversation was over. Apparently.
My head felt like it was going to explode. I wanted to know more, but I had already involved myself in this stranger’s life enough. I had no idea that was what she was going to tell me or I never would have asked. OK, so I totally would have, but still.
And now she was relaxing and enjoying her pedicure and all I could think about was how difficult her life must be. I couldn’t imagine the pain she and her husband had endured. I wondered if they would even make it.
I hoped so.
What would you do to save your marriage if you had an affair?
While fidelity is the foundation of a strong marriage, 1 affair does not a divorce make. We went to counseling, by husband got treatment for his depression and we worked very very hard to save our marriage. 3 years, 1 baby later, we’re doing good.
Totally think it’s different for every couple. Some can survive an affair, some can’t. And while so many of us say “I would never put up with that! I’d be so out of there!”, I think it’s really hard to know what we would do if actually in that situation.
Great post
My boyfriend of almost a year is a known lover of “strange”. I’ve known about it the whole time we’ve been dating, and chose early on that I didn’t really care. It doesn’t have anything to do with me, and he practices safe sex. I know it’s not the conventional choice, but lots of guys are out there lying to their wives/girlfriends about what they’re doing (and I, too, have been lied to in the past), so I figure he’s not doing anything THEY aren’t doing, AND he’s being honest. We don’t discuss details, or even that it’s happening (he travels 75% of the time for work too). He’s an AMAZING guy in every other way, so why would I leave him over that one thing?
I’ve learned over the last 38 years that every relationship has its “thing”. Some guys are workaholics, some guys have hobbies that take up all their time, some wives are shopaholics—-this is our “thing”. I know I’ll catch flack for it, but I don’t really care.
If my husband had wanted to save our marriage, and been willing to be more honest with his comings and goings until he earned my trust back, we might still be married. But, having said all of that, I am happier now than ever NOT being married to him. I applaud that woman, and any couple who do whatever they can to save a marriage that is truly worth saving. Because I know from experience, that not all of them are.
How, exactly, does her writing down the time and date on a piece of paper mean anything?
If you can hand-write your own timestamp, you can make it for the time and date of your choosing.
Now, if she’s going to send that photo via phone at that exact moment, then he’ll already have a time stamp of sorts (it just means she sent it when she sent it). But if she’s going to take it home and show him later, it’s worthless.
Even if you validate this as a legitimate way to save a marriage — and really, after a very short time it turns a relationship of equals into something very different — it has no basis in reality.
Thank you for saying what I was thinking regarding technology. Hand writing means nothing. All he needs is a date & time stamp from the actual photo.
and you can always change your date/time stamp on the photo, too.
so even a photo with a date and time stamp will do no good. i can change the settings so the date is 03/19/2050 at 12:00 AM.
I wouldn’t.
I know…many of you will think I’m oversimplifying, but I grew up with a mom who “stayed for the kids”. My dad was an adulterer for 31 years of marriage before he finally decided to leave.
For me, the answer is simple…I wouldn’t try to save a marriage that the other person obviously wasn’t interested in maintaining.
Ok, I find the series of events in this post to be totally weird.
Are you still thinking about this craziness, because I totally would be, just trying to even wrap my brain around it.
I’ve been married for 11 years. I know that marriage is so much more than just the man & woman in it. It’s kids, finances, extended families, daily companionship, etc. I don’t believe I would leave my husband over an infidelity provided that he still wanted the marriage. I feel like we are all individuals and, occasionally, our spouses may not provide us what we need (for various reasons). But, for goodness sake, I DON’T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT IT. Be safe, be smart, and then come home. And vice versa! If I ever strayed I would NEVER tell my husband. It would ruin our marriage entirely because I know that it’s in his nature to never forgive something like that. I just happen to look at it differently.
i can’t imagine being in a serious/long term/forever relationship with someone and having that big of a secret….
seems like it’d be a “fake” relationship at best.
I agree that it would be a very hard secret to keep, but if you truly love your husband, and want to stay together and have no intention at all of breaking up, why tell him just to hurt him? They say that honesty is best but I think it might be a lot of pain and unecessary heartache to go through for something that was just genuinely a huge mistake.
I think people end up confessing to their huge mistake out of guilt or the need for absolution. In the process of doing that they are seriously devastating their partner with the information. I think it’s better for that cheater to live with the guilt as a reminder of the mistake they made. No sense hurting your partner over it.
It’s naive to think that husbands and wives don’t have secrets. We all do. Maybe not as large as cheating, but just something we wouldn’t want to tell our partner. We’re all individuals. When we lose that individuality in our marriages, to me, that’s the beginning of the end. “Fake” may be a label you would put on it for your situation, but marriage means something different for everyone. Many people live within open marriages but are still committed to the life with their partner. To them that union isn’t “fake” though it may seem that way to you.
I completely agree with this. If you screwed up and it has no basis on how you feel about the other person or the relationship, then keep that to yourself! No one is perfect so why ruin a perfectly good relationship over it? I know so many guys who have cheated who never told their wives and have great marriages. I’m not saying ALL men do it, but I’m willing to bet good money that a lot more are unfaithful than we want to believe. If you’re that worried about cheating then it’s probably best to just never get into a relationship in the first place.
I think a marriage has to get to a certain “level of dis-function” to even get to the infidelity stage. Sure, you can do all sorts of things to earn trust back, but if you’re not working on the root issues, what’s the point? Unless you work on all of the things that were going downhill before the affair, it’s probably going to happen again.
(Man, I sound pretty jaded for a happily married woman.)
I am not married yet, but I am engaged. I would NEVER take him back if I found out he cheated. There would no longer be a relationship to fix. Early in our relationship, we were watching Family Feud, and the category was, things you’d do if you partner cheated, and I turned to him and said “Kill him.” He laughed, but I didn’t. Obviously, I wouldn’t really kill him, but he’s be out of the house the second he told me, no time to pack, just out. His clothes would be on the lawn for him to get the next day. I love myself to much to let anyone treat me like that. And no, I would not think differently if I had kids. It would be worse if we had kids bc not only would he have cheated on me, he would have cheated on the children.
I think the effort she is putting forth to save her marriage is really nice. She isn’t throwing in the towel when things get rough (and neither is he)..
If these hand written notes that really mean nothing, save a marraige, I think that’s wonderful.
I probably wouldn’t have told my husband I cheated though… just sayin.
First issue: I wouldn’t cheat.
Second issue: If I were weak enough to put everything I’ve invested years of time, emotion, blood, sweat, tears, and agony of child birth at risk, I certainly would NEVER TELL HIM. (I personally find this “racked with guilt confession” to be nothing more than selfish soul-cleansing and all it does is hurt the spouse. You want to clear your conscience, confess to your God.)
Second issue/part 2: If he were to find out, he would probably murder me and that would be the end of that. I know I married a jealous man and because I love him, I choose not to put myself into compromising situations where he could get hurt (and I could get dead.)
Issues 1 and 2 if situations were reversed: If HE cheated and it was a one time thing, I would NOT want to know. If I found out, I could probably forgive it but the trust would have to be rebuilt. If it was a series of one night stands then we need counseling. If it was an affair with the same woman for any length of time, then it’s over because obviously there is something wrong with the relationship.
I think a marriage requires something a lot more important than love. RESPECT is #1. Trust is built on it and love can come and go over the years. But if we respect one another, the other stuff is a lot easier.
IF HE WOULD “MURDER” YOU, YOU HAVE BIGGER ISSUES TO WORRY ABOUT THEN CHEATING..JUST SAYIN…
Maybe. But like I said in point 1— I wouldn’t cheat. I’ve already been cheated on in one marriage and I didn’t like how that made me feel. I wouldn’t want to do that to someone else. Have I had opportunities? Yes. Have I even been tempted? Yes…BUT I know that it wouldn’t be worth it and I choose to be faithful.
Besides…I like sleeping with a married man. (Even if he IS MY husband.)
It’s ok that she conveyed this to her husband. Now, can the husband be the best friend she needs. The one she consoles everything to….can she tell him the details of the physical and mental affair…what they did, how she liked it, how she didnt like it…what excited her…what caused her to feel good or bad….and he needs to listen with understanding(like her best girlfriend would do for her, she needs to be able to spill her feelings to him like she would to her girlfriend).
I understand the forgiveness. I understand the checking in. In fact, I’ve been through it. My ex and I were going through a really rough patch and I suspected he was cheating. I hadn’t brought it up but he said he was going to a friends house and I wanted to go. He said no and left. I got pissed and accused him of not being where he said he was, so he snapped a pic with his cell and sent it to me. I was still pissed, but I at least felt better knowing he was actually where he told me he was going to be.
If she is willing to do something so humiliating to fix her marriage I have respect for her decision. Her original decision to have an affair was a very bad choice, but embarrassing herself in public every time she goes somewhere is a constant reminder she screwed up and pretty much has to suffer in order to regain her husbands trust. Its kinda like the “Scarlet Letter.” At least he isnt making her wear a shirt that says, “cheating bitch” everywhere she goes.
that’s super embarrassing. i can’t believe someone would do that!
if i had to document my day, i’d use fb check in or something. asking a stranger to take pictures of me with a sign? really, really strange.
In answer to your question, if I did cheat AND felt compelled to unburden myself to my husband, what would I do to save my marriage? Assuming that (under the above circumstances), I wanted to save it, I would do whatever he needed me to do in order to feel secure again. No question.
devil’s advocate – what if he is cheating too and turned it all around on her so that she’s more worried about where she is, than where he is?
I wouldn’t cheat. Problem solved.
Gnarly. I’m reminded of Depeche Mode’s song, “Policy of Truth”… “You should have hidden it, shouldn’t you…” [lyrics]
Checking in with a FB app or whatever does make more sense!
I think the taking a picture thing has the potential to blow up into an even bigger problem… it’s not really working on trust at all, it’s just a new thing to obsess about, and if she forgets he will be paranoid, etc… I don’t know what I would do to prove to my husband that I was sorry & would be trustworthy from now on but I’ve thought about it enough to know that I never want to be in that place… I love my husband too much to humiliate him, so at least keeping my love active and at the forefront of my mind is helpful to me when (& if) I ever get tempted.
Isn’t keeping the cheating a secret almost as bad as the cheating, because you are lying to your husband?
yes.
My reaction to the article was totally, “Damn it! That would have totally ruined my pedicure! Poor author!”
And there were a lot of “totally”s in there. Because I am apparently Kelly Kapowski.
I don’t really understand the attitude that there has to be something “wrong” with a relationship for there to be cheating. Why do we so strongly believe that there is only one person for us who can fulfill ALL our desires? That every single desire we have FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES is supposed to be fulfilled by one single person? Seems kind of ridiculous.
I’m with Keri. I’ve been in relationships where the expectation of monogamy was absolute and I’ve been in ones where the boundaries are a little more grey.
My fiance and I have a more grey relationship. We discussed it very early in the relationship and came to the mutual decision that we trusted, loved, and wanted each other enough that we would be completely honest about what we needed to be happy. We each get “one.” We get one encounter that we don’t have to tell the other one about before hand. Beyond that, if we find ourselves in a situation that we are interested in persuing we will take 5 minutes before and let the other one know. We have the right of veto, no questions asked.
Recently he used his “one.” It was so much easier to handle than the cheating in previous relationships. I’d already given myself permission to forgive him. I didn’t have to go through the self doubt or depression. I accepted it and moved on.
I have not used my “one” but I have been with other people. Its exciting and fun and the most real and honest I’ve ever been in a relationship. I know this isn’t for everyone, but being in touch with who we are as individuals and who we are as a couple has lead to the best relationship of my life. At 35, I’ve finally found my lobster.
Wow! I am shocked at how casual some of you seem to be about cheating. I have never been in the situation, but I don’t need to be to know that I would not allow it. Seems to me that when you even think about cheating, the relationship is over/almost over anyway. Because the truth is, at one point in my 3 year relationship, I have thought about it. And our relationship was horrible- we were at the breaking up point. We turned things around and are better now. But for me, I knew that feeling that way was when the shit had really hit the fan in our relationship. And I knew things either had to be fixed or I had to leave.
I have a friend who left her husband because he has cheated on her sooo many times. He still comes over, they still sleep together, and she takes him back every once in a while but then he leaves and does the same thing again. I asked her why she allows this. “Because I just love him, and all those things just don’t matter. And it would destroy the kids.” I just don’t get it.
I know that every situation is different, but I will never be one to sit around while my husband cheats- because if he has to, what kind of relationship do we have anyway???? And I definately don’t believe in staying together for kids- kids do not need to see that type of relationship.
wow bitches be crazy!
This is when two ppl get lost in their problems not know why they have to deal with them or feel trapped in an unhappy marriage. They loose themselves not knowing what to do or how to do things besides getting into an affair just to find something to make them happy within their marriage and end up getting themselves into more trouble in the process in a marriage. “do what makes you happy” but at the same time I took “the love dare” a 40 day journey to learn to properly love unconditionally and Fireproofing your marriage. But, if both people are not committed to working it out no matter what they face and loving them no matter what it makes things allot easier to understand but, it is a life long committment that we make to god and the true meaning of his love within the marriage That’s my advice to anyone and especially this situation and to many others that are dealing with problems.
to Kori, In your friend is doing what she was feeling in her heart proving that she can love unconditionally but, what she’s not understanding is that she’s not being treated and loved the same way that’s when a situation you can still love a person unconditionally but you can’t be with them is not the same thing. That’s when I would say it’s time to try to find someone that would give the same love in return. It’s not worth fighting over something that’s not worth saving. but, good example for the other situations that come about.
I really have come along way in my marriage and getting to understand the full value and meaning and trying to get my husband to understand the same way as I do and it’s soooo hard!!! we are in the process of divorce due to the fact that over time I have come to an understanding that he loves another girl more then he loves me even though I have given him my whole heart and soul in this process and I am completely okay with it. This is OUR test to showing me who does he love more and fully loving me unconditionally. If he passes this test that I know god has put me forth to seeing for myself. This is what comes in face to face with good and evil/ black and white we do whats right and so far he has had nothing but fear controling him while I let any of my fear go and let him do what ever makes him happy just to see if that’s what he wants in his life and test the water. It’s not fair to lock us in a relationship even with a child of our own and 2 step children involved in what we do in our lives. This will determine where we need to be and where we need to go and that is my understanding of why things happen and the road blocks that takes ous onto another path. .. in time it will only tell
Comments on this entry are closed.