Pregnancy is something I had always dreamed about. Being a mother was always my end goal, my dream for the future. Sure, I have other dreams, other things I’ve pursued along the way, but motherhood has always been the top of my life list.
I found out I was pregnant in late August and within days, my body started changing. It wasn’t anything major at first, but within a few weeks my breasts were noticeably bigger. I’m not going to lie to you, I did not mind this change one single bit. As someone who is chronically small chested, this was actually a pretty awesome change. At this point I’ve gone up 2 full cup sizes, it’s really kind of amazing.
I wasn’t especially fit or muscular going into pregnancy, but the lack of energy combined with a crazy new work/school schedule pretty much made exercise an impossibility. Or at least an improbability. And I know that the lack of exercise has contributed to how I feel about myself. I realized that I wasn’t gaining weight the first few weeks, but my body did not look like it used to. Where it used to be flat, it was now soft. Where it used to be narrow, it was now wide.
It was as if my weight completely redistributed itself overnight. I would look in the mirror and see someone completely different than I used to.
Because I have a history of eating disorders, I knew that pregnancy was going to be a bit of a struggle. To my surprise the numbers on the scale don’t bother me very much, aside from wanting to gain exactly as much weight as my doctor recommended. But that’s not really as much about worry about weight as much as it is wanting to please my doctor. That’s another issue for another time.
I really don’t seem to have any psychological stress associated with the weight gaining, but I am really struggling with the way I look.
I know this is probably wrong to say because I am supposed to be reveling in all the wonderful things that are happening and the miracle of life, but basically I just feel fat. I know I should use a different word or something more politically correct, but there’s just no other way to describe how I feel about myself. I cannot wear any of my pants except the one pair that I usually only break out right after Thanksgiving and about half my shirts are too snug, not just through the chest, but down at the bottom near my waist, too.
I just hit 12 weeks and I know that I should expect some changes, but I guess I didn’t realize that it would start like this. I think that on some level I thought that everything would stay the same but that adorable baby bump would just gradually grow over time. The baby is currently the size of a plum, but my body looks and feels more like it’s a pumpkin.
I’m trying to cut myself some slack, but I feel disappointed almost every time I see my reflection. I feel like I should be eating better, exercising more and maybe the changes wouldn’t be so obvious. I feel like I need to have more discipline and then maybe my clothes would still fit. But at the same time, I know my body is different now, I am hungry more frequently and more urgently. I need more calories each day and my natural instinct of calorie restriction is the very opposite of what this baby needs. And for those worried, I haven’t done anything stupid except maybe eat way too many carbs.
The changes and my reaction have shown me how far I still have to go in loving and accepting my body. I want to be able to teach my child good habits and model good behavior, but I think I still have a long way to go to understanding what good behavior is when it comes to my body.
I’m hoping that the next 28 weeks and the weeks and months after I give birth will be the learning experience I need to find a way to love my body again. Even if it never looks exactly like I want it to.
Katie is a 28 year old Southern Californian, married to a doctor, racking up as much student debt as possible as a full-time graduate student in a health science. Her hobbies include abusing parentheses, baking complicated desserts that almost universally involve frosting and loving her two cats more than is socially acceptable. She’s currently balancing her first child and graduating from graduate school. So planning and timing are also things she excels at. You can read more from Katie on her blog, Overflowing Brain.
Im guessing she actually found out in September… I’m due may 9th and we conceived on August 17th (through in vitro). Lots of babies coming in may this year though. Being pregnant with twins, I totally know the weird thoughts about the body changing. I already had very big boobs (36ddd), so those growing for me is the worst. Plus the fact that I could have stood to loose 20lbs before getting pregnant, my ever growing belly really just makes me look chubby. Looking forward to a few weeks from now when there is not the question of chubby or pregnant to strangers.
It was actually late August, the early part was the typo, my mistake.
Congratulations on your pregnancy! I hope everything goes smoothly and that we both can get past this bloated stage soon.
I’m such a nit-picker
Congratulations to you too! I’m so ready to be noticeably pregnant and not just a chunk. Bring it on babies!
You are not alone. I hated my body pregnant and after giving birth. It’s very hard to accept the changes going on. It will get better though, so hang in there. And don’t worry about weight gain. Some people will gain a lot and some will gain a little (I was a lot – 63, 45, and 48 pounds with mine).
Thanks Mindy. It’s nice to know that I’m not the only one feeling this way.
I totally sympathize with you! I don’t like what I see in the mirror and I’m not pregnant! So at least you have an excuse : )
But seriously, try not to beat yourself up too much. When you are just a LITTLE pregnant things are starting to prepare for the full baby belly that is yet to come. So for now you probably don’t look so obviously pregnant, just heavier than normal. Try to remember that all the changes that you don’t like will result in something you love more than life itself.
I like that perspective. I can at least be grateful for the boobs in the meantime. They are pretty great.
Your baby might be the size of a plum, but there’s that whole placenta/sack/fluid/growing uterus thing going on in there, too.
I was, ahem, “bigger” this time around before finding out. And it’s been something I’m struggling with. I mean, I know I’m going to gain more as it goes, too. But I’m already doing math and figuring out how much I “have to” lose and such.
I know you’re right. The baby has been upgraded to the size of a lemon now, and the way that it was laid out with what I should gain including the baby, placenta, uterus, boobs, and all of that makes sense. It’s just, right now I look so strange, but not really pregnant.
A coworker asked me on Monday if he was seeing a baby bump. To which I had to reply, nope, that was just lunch.
I am 31 weeks and although I have not gained much weight, my body shape has changed drastically. This is my second pregnancy so I was not expecting much of a change since my body did not go back to normal entirely the last time. Since I am overweight, my OB says I should gain very little weight, but that is so difficult to do when you don’t feel in control of your body. I just tell myself “I’m growing a person” and this is temporary. I just keep wondering where is this “pregnant glow” everyone is talking about, because I sure don’t have it. I wish you the best.
I think the pregnant glow is flop sweat from the hormones and temperature changes. You’re so right about the control part. It’s not in our hands even a little bit, and all we can do is our best to make sure the baby is healthy and growing.
If I could find the link I would paste ot for you, but somewhere out there is a video that shows how the body reorganizes itself to carry a baby. Which is why your stomach moves upward, your intestines relocate and your bladder ends up being squished. Obviously this is oversimplified, but I hope you understand what I am saying. This internal reshifting takes place well before your uterus needs the space, so your body changes well before you should start seeing a baby bump.
I had similar mental struggles, and now 4 months post baby I am struggling with why I can’t get rid of the extras pregnancy left over when my friends with 9 week olds are back to normal. I think the struggles are important though as they teach you that some things don’t need to be a priority any longer.
You’re entirely right. It is a lesson about priorities. I know that the health of my child and me is more important than how I look or how my pants feel. And I know that I’m going to struggle after pregnancy, but I’m trying to prepare myself for that well in advance because maybe that’ll soften the blow a little.
I have to remember that it’s not just me anymore and the weight gain is necessary and good.
Gaining weight is my worst fear for if/when I become pregnant. I LOVE babies and children, but being unmarried and not in a long term and devoted relationship, babies are not in my plans. I always joke (lie) saying I have a perfect body and I’m not ready to mess it up with a baby. In all seriousness though, there is nothing prettier than a pregnant lady, whether its early where she just feels chubby, or shes about ready to pop. As soon as I know someone is pregnant that green monster of jealousy rears its ugly head inside me. You might feel bloated and chubby but I’m so jealous
I know the jealousy of which you speak. It has plagued my life for the past several years.
And trust me, if you could see me in the morning, you’d take back that pretty comment.
I didn’t enjoy the way my body looked pregnant until I was about half-way through. Then it was obvious that I was pregnant. Before that, I just looked fat (although as another small-chested gal, the boob explosion was a boost). But I HATED the way I felt for the first trimester. I felt…soggy and squishy. I wasn’t in great shape when I got pregnant, but I felt somewhat toned. About six weeks into my pregnancy, I was sitting there, poking my arm. It felt normal, my husband swore it looked normal, but I just felt….I don’t know, puffy, or squishy or something. It was as though all the muscle tone I had disappeared overnight. Combined with the incredible exhaustion, the low-grade nausea, constipation, and ability to eat nothing but bread products, and I disliked being pregnant. (In fairness, I had a healthy, easy pregnancy. I know that, and I’m grateful for it, especially having heard about my mom’s morning sickness. But I really disliked pregnancy.)
I know exactly how you feel. I’m pregnant with my second child (4 weeks left, yay) and I’m miserable. I have felt this way since the end of my first trimester. I’ve gained weight quicker than last time and it’s showing up everywhere. I don’t feel pretty at all and I’m counting the days until I’m no longer pregnant. I feel bad for saying how I hate my body bc I know I should be happy I’m pregnant and cherishing this time, but sometimes that’s just bullshit. Somedays I don’t want to leave my house bc I’m swollen and fat. I’ve become okay with saying that just recently bc this is my experience not anybody elses.
I do hope you start feeling better about your body…even if it comes after you have given birth.
Totally know what you’re feeling. I had just lost 50 pounds when I found out I was pregnant and we were getting married. I had bought a wedding dress in my new smaller size and ended up having to go up a dress size, because of the bloating/weight redistribution. I was about 14 weeks when I got married. So frustrating! I never was one of those women that loved pregnancy and loved my body while pregnant. It took some time to get used to that, but man, I sure do love that kid and he was worth every pound and the body changes that never quite went away.
I remember having very similar feelings when I was pregnant with my son. I was shocked at how quickly my body reacted to pregnancy. I wasn’t excited about it, and I felt guilty because I wasn’t able to appreciate the miracle that is growing a baby and blah blah blah. I felt selfish and vain. Looking back, still all I see is fat, whether it’s politically correct or not. However, looking at my son, it was all worth it. Even if I never fully appreciate my body during pregnancy, I know that the “suffering” was worth it to give me my beautiful son.
Good luck and keep your eye on the prize!
I just had my baby 3 weeks ago and i’m already struggling with how i’m going to motivate myself to start losing some weight. I’m relieved this is my last pregnancy though.
Katie, your body will not look like it did before you got pregnant and gave birth even if you get back to your pre-baby weight. Your figure will deepen its way into womanhood: softer, curvier, more receptive to snuggling a wee one. I understand totally how you feel, I had a great shape too when I started and even tho I got below my pre-preg weight, I have never looked the same and my jeans never did fit completely right after my first daughter was born in late 1977. It’s ok tho-I began a totally new phase of life and the body needed to accommodate those changes. Roll with it, Katie, you might learn to enjoy the new you, I hope you do.
I have to say, Katie, you are one of my least favorite spots, body image wise, when it comes to pregnancy! That “thickening” process before you really look all out pregnant. I am on my third pregnancy…and it continues to be the hardest part. Not only are you exhausted physically from growing a person, it now seems exhausting to just get dressed. Normal clothes, too small. Maternity clothes, too big.
If any encouragement (and this comes from one that is not a huge fan of her own pregnant body…at most stages), when the belly finally pops out into an obvious pregnant belly and your energy comes back, you will probably feel better about what you see in the mirror!
Congratulations!
And good luck with the next stage of pregnancy! Not talking about your 2nd trimester, but rather, that you are soon to be public property for strangers without personal boundaries! It’s a fun time full of funny stories.
I understand your struggle completely, not only being pregnant but also being pregnant when you struggle with disordered eating. I am almost 17 weeks pregnant with baby number 3, and although I actually started out smaller this pregnancy than I did with the other two I am still struggling a lot with the way my body is changing. I felt horrible the first trimester, but didn’t actually get sick… my carefully calculated diet flew out the window and ate through my nausea. At almost 17 weeks I’ve gained 14 lbs, and most of that was gained in the first trimester. I gained 40 lbs with my previous pregnancies, and I lost it all plus some, so I’m okay with that number but I’m terrified of going over. I also finally have a real baby bump, but without clothes covering it is soft, squishy and jiggly, not at all firm like a baby bump should be.
So, all of that to say that you are not alone. I would venture to say it probably difficult for most women, except for my best friend… who is 3 weeks ahead of me and lost 12 lbs her first trimester and is now firmer in her legs and arms than she was when she started. Did I mention she didn’t lose weight because she was sick all the time or because she was eating well, just for some unknown reason? Good luck to you!
Katie,
You’re in what I like to call the “in-between” time of being pregnant. The looking like, well, I could be pregnant, or I could have just eaten too much the last few weeks. I found that I just felt fat until about 20 weeks, when the “bump” started to really show. This was with both babies for me, though with my second (a girl), I felt like all of a sudden, I had a whole lot more booty than before (though I gained ten pounds less, go figure). Just remember that your body is growing a person–it needs the room, and it needs the love–you’re creating a home for this baby already! Your body is perfectly and uniquely designed to do what it needs to do, and IT IS BEAUTIFUL! Congratulations to you, and good luck! It’s the toughest job in the world, but it’s the absolute best, in my book!
I haven’t read the other responses, but here’s what I think…I hated, HATED being pregnant. I have two kids, and the second pregnancy was slightly less awful than the first, but I really suck at being pregnant.
The only positive for me was that I didn’t have to suck in my gut anymore
I´m 31 weeks pregnant right now and I feel pretty confident about my body. I got pregnant at my heaviest and while I still look pregnant (duh I am!) I´ve gained weight in my tummy not all over. Don’t get me wrong I´ve felt awful most of the pregnancy: hot flashes, all day nausea, rashes, hemorroids you name it I´ve got it! :-S The thing is that as many ohter women I´m very self conscious when it comes to my body, specifically my middle section, but being pregnnat has allowed me to flaunt my body even if Idon´t think it´s the greatest. For example, before getting pregnant I would never wear something that would cling or emphasize my tummy but now? I wear snuggly sweaters and cute non maternity tops (And I´m a very tall girl with a big pregnant belly)
What I´m kind of obsessing about right now is the post partum part… will I be able to lose the weight? will breast feeding help me melt the fat away like many people say? I know it sounds kind of dumb worrying about these things when I probably should worry if I´ll be able to breastfeed at all or if I´ll have an emergency c section or not and oh so many other stuff. The thing is that, vain or not I still want to look and feel good about myself motherhood aside.
It’s funny because when I was pregnant I felt the same way, even though I found (and still do) other pregnant womens’ bodies so beautiful and even sexy.
You’re beautiful and what your body is doing is beautiful. Be proud of your baby bump (and, in my case, lumps)
xx
We’re just a few weeks apart – I’m just around 11 weeks now and since it’s my third I can tell you: just hang in there. It will get better, then worse, then better. These first three months are really annoying: you look and feel, as people put it so well, squishy and bloated rather than glowing, nothing fits and you just don’t feel like yourself. Plus, in my case the nausea was brilliantly set off by dizziness and being effing tired all the time, but because I didn’t look pregnant I couldn’t even expect a seat on the bus! The emerging bump makes it easier – you are simply a cargo ship rather than a slim, streamlined jet. You will have to accept looking and feeling even worse for a while after the birth, when you are sore, pale, tired and flabby and don’t fit in anything again, but just bear with it for a while. Just when you’ve forgotten about it, you will look and feel even better than before it all started.
I’m eight and a half weeks now with my first. I’m with you – not loving this body. So bloated and uncomfortable. Mix that with the exhaustion and it’s all around pretty miserable. So hoping for a better second trimester and that this queasy, bloatedness will turn into a bump and I’ll get some energy. Right now, even though I’ve wanted it my whole life, not loving being pregnant.
I am currently 27 weeks and I am really struggling with the way i look. i also always dreamt of being a mom and experiencing pregnancy. i pretty much looked the same all the way up to 5 and a half months and then it seemed like i just woke up fat. i just keep trying to tell myself that God gave me this body for a wonderful purpose. and i should feel blessed and honored to go through this experience. and 9 months out of my whole life is definately worth feeling a little unattractive so i can have a lifetime with a little boy i love
I would love to hear how you are doing! Reading your article was like listening to myself. It helped to know someone else has been there/feels the same way.
When did you have your baby?
I would love an update, and thanks for sharing your story.
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