I Was Sexually Manipulated, And I Let It Happen.

by Angie on October 22, 2012

in Self & Body, Sex & Relationships

At 36-year-old, I have been with to the same man for nearly 18 years. I wasn’t a virgin when I got married at age 22. He didn’t take my virginity when we started dating at the age of 18. By the time I met the boy I would eventually marry, I had already punished myself in ways I am now coming to realize wasn’t actually punishment.

It was just me.

As a girl, I craved the attention of boys. First by chasing them on the playground, putting them in a corner, holding them down to kiss them, listening to them tell me what they wanted to do to me, putting their hands down my pants, pushing my head down into their laps, listening to him berate me for liking him yet keeping me on an imaginary leash, making out with more than one boy at a time, allowing two boys to share me, sleeping over at their houses while they left me to be with another girl, and finally, willingly going home with them from a bar then later drinking something that he may have slipped a roofie into.

I’ve learned over time that I was not a bad person. I don’t deserve the last 17+ years of negativity I’ve put into my own esteem. Not only was I a girl when I did those things, I was not wrong to do them. I could have made better decisions, but at the time, I didn’t know better.

Now I know better.

I know there is nothing wrong with me that can’t be cured by my own mind. I only need to forgive myself for my own reactions, and not the actions of me as a girl searching to find who she is.

I love her and in some ways I’m jealous of her freedom. But going back is not an option.

I can now move forward to save my own daughters and hopefully help others to be mindful of their own children.

I can save them from being broken like I was.

I was manipulated, and I let it happen. Yes, I was only a teenager, but I still let it happen.

I was weak.

Luckily, I’m stronger now that it’s been nearly 18 years.

You see, there was this boy. He never physical harmed me, but the mind-fuck games were longer lasting.

I was 15 when it started.

He would kiss me.

He would touch me.

He would tell me I wasn’t his girlfriend.

He wouldn’t kiss me if other people were around.

He didn’t want me around when other girls were.

He would laugh at me when I cried.

He would say he was coming to see me at my house and then didn’t.

He would tell me to come to his house and then not be there.

He would tell me he liked my friends.

He would tell me he wanted my sister.

He would tell me I was stupid.

He would tell me I was gullible.

He would pinch the fat on my near-anorexic hips.

He would tell me he wanted a girlfriend with a flatter stomach.

He left for two weeks to visit family, promising to call but never did.

He came back and told me he gave up his virginity to his cousin.

So I gave him mine to keep his attention.

A year later, he laughed in my face and told me how stupid I was for believing him when he told me he had slept with his cousin.

A year after that, he called me to his dorm room, paid me the attention I wanted on the floor of his living room, then told me to leave.

That was the last time I saw him.

I was 18.

And then, a different boy saved me. He, my husband, has loved me. He has loved me longer than I have loved him, but only by a few weeks. He still likes to hold that over me, always teasing.

He hates him for the mess of me he left for him to save.

18 years later, and I still cry over the mind games, even though he no longer has any power over me. He had power over the girl I was.

While I am no longer that beautiful girl, I am no longer broken

My parents did nothing wrong; I was who I was. I don’t blame them for any of that. I thank them for allowing me to figure things out on my own.

I will do everything in my power to protect my daughters from boys like him. I need to show them that his kind of attention won’t be needed.

Angie Lynch is the founder and managing editor of the powerhouse women’s literary community, Smut Book Club. She is a Native Floridian without a tan, probably because she spends her days hard at work on the magical internet. For the past several years, Angie has worked way too hard at building clout as an influencer in food and margaritas as well as being a source for laughable pop culture commentary. You can read more from Angie on her blog, A Whole Lot of Nothing.

This post was originally published on my personal blog over the course of two days: Just Where Do I Get OffLock Up Your Daughters And Put The Fear Of Castration In Your Sons. I received a lot of positive feedback from my family and friends which I honestly wasn’t expecting. In sharing my story, I hope your sons and daughters are given just a bit more of the attention they need rather than the misguided attention they crave.

image credit Angie Lynch

FreedomJackson October 22, 2012 at 9:23 am

honest is extremely valuable isn’t it. now what can you do to influence the girls gone wild generation?

Is it too late? I think stories like this will make a difference.

Sherry Carr-Smith October 22, 2012 at 10:52 am

Angie,

Thank you for sharing. I’m so glad you are who you are.

Nuala Reilly October 22, 2012 at 1:18 pm

Angie, this is so amazing that you shared this. I went through something similar, only I wasn’t a teenager. I was older. It’s painful when you look back and see what kinds of things we will and have put up with from guys when all we really wanted and needed was to be loved. Or even to be noticed and appreciated. There are some men out there who know how to recognize that in a woman and will pounce on it, pounce on her and use it to their advantage. By the end, mine wouldn’t even refer to me by name anymore, only by a vulgar nickname.
But you have Patrick now and I have Shawn and thankfully they are the kinds of men who give the word “gentleman” a meaning again. At least from what I’ve read that you’ve posted about him online. I’m happy that you’re in the relationship that you deserve and that you were able to break away from the other one. It can be hard, especially when they tend to keep your self esteem in the toilet, but it can be done.

You are amazing and wonderful and beautiful and I love that you shared this story.

hdj October 22, 2012 at 6:14 pm

This is all so true! And wonderful that you realize the mistakes you made were part of growing up and being young.
My daughter is in middle school now but we’ve already had a few “teaching moments” with boys and friends (peer pressure creates all kinds of issues).
I’ve been telling her for a while now that she matters and what she wants is important and if she doesn’t want/want to do something no one who truly cares about her will ever make her do anything she’s uncomfortable doing. She matters and it’s ok for her to stand up for herself and the things she wants for her. And if she needs some help with that, her dad and I are here in whatever capacity she needs (suggestions, listen, really get involved, etc.).

Katie October 22, 2012 at 7:38 pm

Why do we let guys do this sort of shit to us? Thank God for the men who came next…and remind us daily how awesome we are.

Mary October 23, 2012 at 9:28 am

This is inspiring. I thought I was the only one who had this done and was made to feel this way by a boy. We were 14 when we met. And he has had control over me since the day we met. But from this day forward, he will not rule my life. Someday I will find a man who loves me for me, and not someone who messes with my mind. Thank you.

Jennifer October 24, 2012 at 4:27 pm

Thanks for sharing your story Angie. I was kind of a man hater when I was a teenager, pretty much the opposite of what you describe above. That wasn’t healthy either. My daughter though? She’s a people pleaser. She’s the one that wants to be friends with everyone and will go the extra mile if she thinks it will make someone like her more. I worry for her. I’m doing my best to help her be strong and to learn that she has value beyond what other people think. That she is precious and important and worthy. I just pray every day that it sticks.

Amy October 24, 2012 at 6:55 pm

I’m so glad you shared this awful experience… Glad because it gives me hope that good, honest, decent men do exist so there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Glad that maybe there is such a thing as true love where men know to cherish and completely love you for who you are.

However, I’m 32 and I have yet to meet that man that will love me and I am going to say it that I have never ever been loved by a guy ever. How do I know it? Because I never felt it from them, that’s how you know. It’s sad that I have no idea what it’s like. It’s even more sad that I have no idea what a real, adult, mature relationship is like. I’ve spent nights and still do from time to time crying over how silly and naive I was when I first started dating at 19. I didn’t know any better, was never told I was pretty enough or good enough and was never shown what my worth was and is by the guys I’ve dated.

Finally in my late 20s I realized I’ve gotta show myself my worth and love myself first before anyone else does. I’ve had to learn to love and accept myself day by day, year by year and even though I’m still a bit naive and simple at heart I’m not gonna be mistreated anymore by anyone. Just last year I ended up dating an emotionally abusive man but thank God I had the good sense to realize it and end the relationship within a couple of months of knowing him. So for me the jury is still out on if that great guy really exists but you’ve given me hope and like you I’ve made damn sure that any young girl in my family or friends knows what it is to know her worth and to not be taken for granted by boys or the world in general.

mel October 25, 2012 at 9:51 am

This post is important. I’m glad you broke away from him, you are fabulous inside and out, and your husband is a real man.

Laine Griffin November 2, 2012 at 3:48 pm

“18 years later, and I still cry over the mind games, even though he no longer has any power over me. He had power over the girl I was.

While I am no longer that beautiful girl, I am no longer broken”

This just made me burst into tears. It’s so complicated, because as much as we can love who we are now, I always have those thoughts about just how much better I would be now, how much better all the years between then and now, could have been/would be.
You can’t go back, and I don’t want to, but I wouldn’t be honest if I said I didn’t think about it.
Thank you for sharing this very powerful piece.

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