I need to be pregnant. That’s right, I said NEED. My uterus is aching for a baby to kick around for nine months.
This isn’t just “baby fever”. I get choked up when I hold a baby. I even had to pass up lunch with a friend last week because the three other women that were going were all bringing their newborns, I was PMSing, and I didn’t think that I could make it through lunch without getting depressed that I didn’t have what they did.
For the record, it doesn’t help that everyone I know is knocked up. I may act excited to your face when you tell me you are pregnant, but in reality, I’m not. Ok maybe I am happy for you, but I’m not excited. Because I want your baby. Not in an “I’m gonna kidnap your baby” way. More like in a “I’m so fucking jealous that everyone I know is getting what I want more than anything else in the world” kinda way.
I know that a big reason for this desperate wanting of a baby is simply biology. I’ll be 27 in February. We’ll have been married for 2 years in March. My friends who are are several years younger than me are having their second babies. My hormones are going bonkers. BONKERS I TELL YOU.
Husband, however, is not as ready as I am. He is in the Navy for at least the next 13 years. He has (legitimate) concerns about being gone for the birth, missing birthdays, not seeing our kids grow up, etc. These are normal concerns. I do not blame him for having them. Add on the fact that he is, in fact, a boy, and it’s really no surprise that he is nervous about having a baby.
I, on the other hand, want to smack him up side the head and tell him to get over it and get busy. We’ve been going with the “not diligently trying but definitely not preventing” method for awhile now and that’s not cutting it. I also know that military wives have been doing this for years. It’s part of the life that we BOTH signed up for. I knew that he would be gone when I married him, so these things aren’t my concerns. I’ve accepted them already.
Of course, there’s also my “what if something happens to him and I don’t get to have HIS baby?” fear that I’m pretty sure most military wives feel this at some point.
He understands my needs and I understand his concerns. So we compromised and made a deal to get me, er, I mean us a baby.
You see, I have gained about 32 pounds since we got married 2 years ago. We don’t need to discuss why I gained this weight, but I know I need to lose it. It’s unhealthy, especially considering the overwhelming history of diabetes and heart disease in my family. But I don’t think I can diet. I’m not one of those girls that is capable of making herself feel guilty about something she ate. Food is good. I like my coffee and my coke and my chocolate and my cheesecake and my Five Guys Burgers and Fries.
I don’t do well with goals and guilt because I can rationalize my way out of just about everything. Husband initially made me a deal, that if I could fit back in my wedding dress by May* that he would pay for me to have a “trash the dress” photo session with my favorite photographer. This wasn’t him being mean or calling me fat or anything, so please don’t get the wrong idea here.
It was a real conversation where I admitted that even though I wanted the photo session, I just had to buy a size 20 bridesmaid’s dress so my size 10 wedding gown probably won’t fit. Then my light bulb went off. I can sew. My dress laces up the back. I could probably just make it work. Boom. Rationalized my way out of having to lose that weight. Unfortunately, even though I didn’t tell husband that I was thinking this, I’m pretty sure he was reading my mind.
Because then he said it.
He said if I lost the weight that I wanted by May (at least 25 pounds), that we would try harder to get pregnant. I’m talking ovulation kits and thermometers and the whole nine yards. He wouldn’t complain, and he promised to keep his word. And I believe him, because that’s his thing. He’s honest. Almost to a fault.
But, I have to lose the weight. I have to eat right and stop drinking the 3 cokes a day and get off my ass and exercise. I know it will be better for me. And they say that it will be easier to get pregnant if I’m not overweight.
I’m scared. And nervous. But you know what? This is the only reward that I think I can really work towards. A baby as a reward for losing weight. The most amazing gift in the world in return for 25 measly little pounds.
So what say you curvy girls? I need your help. Your support. Your expertise. How do I do this without spending oodles of money? I have 3 months. Let’s do this.
*We are moving away from my favorite photographer at the end of May, thus the deadline.
Hannah, Curvy Girl Guide Contributor, Peggy Ann Design