I’ve lost that lovin’ feeling. I’m just not in the mood. I’m talking about sex. Or lack thereof, as it is in my case.
Many men eagerly await the six week clearance by their wife’s OB-GYN after having a baby. While the woman, fatigued and reeking of baby puke, is likely buying herself an extra couple weeks or even months by pretending to be sleeping or having a “headache”.
I am well beyond the acceptable pass of a couple months after baby, but here I am, still avoiding intimacy. I make sure to never look bored for fear that will present itself as an opportunity to knock boots in his eyes. I am nine months postpartum and not 100% happy with my post baby body. The baby often wakes to be nursed in the middle of the night still so my sleep patterns are off. If given a choice, I’d choose a nap over a roll in the hay in a heartbeat. The thought of orchestrating a subtle rendezvous to the walk-in closet is exhausting. The idea of my body parts jiggling and sweating while slapping up against my husband while I am preoccupied listening for a baby fussing in the monitor or remembering a bill that I have to pay is less than appealing. I feel utilitarian, not sexy. The excuses could go on and on, but truth is, I am pretty content with not having sex right now.
I have had lots of sex in my time. I have been having sex for many, many years. I enjoy it, but my priorities have shifted and my to do list is long. The baby is about to wake, the kids need to be picked up from school, I have to make dinner or fold laundry. Sex has become just another chore that has fallen to the bottom of the list.
All around me are suggestions of how to fix me. How to increase my libido. How to spice things up in the bedroom. Take this pill. Eat that food. Buy this toy. Try that position. I’m made to think what’s wrong with me? Am I the worse wife in the world? Is it really that wrong that I would choose to take care of the household duties more than my husband’s desires? Is it so bad that I would prefer to lose myself in a bad reality show than the heat of passion? Part of me feels guilty. It’s not me rejecting him, per say, I wouldn’t want sex with Brad Pitt at this point.
All that said, I don’t feel I need to be fixed. I’m not broken. My life’s complex and busy. I have a lot of obligations, distractions and stress. I’m not dooming us to a life of abstinence. I think it will work itself out and that we will eventually get back to a regular routine of intimacy. I know my husband has needs and I think that my sex drive will return, but I have to confess, I’m in no hurry.
My husband is relatively understanding. This is our fifth kid so clearly, we have figured out ways to have sex after having children. That’s not to say he doesn’t think it’s all in my head and it’s not just something that can’t be fixed with a good porn.
So what say you? Has my statute of limitations run out? Am I depriving my husband by not providing him with what he “needs”? Am I the only that feels this way? Should I do the deed even if it feels like a hassle?
I hear ya over here. I have a 7 (and 23) month old and I am just not interested in sex. I am too tired, busy, and not feeling like myself. And like you, when we do have it, I am so distracted.
I have so little “me” time nowadays, being “sexy” is so far down on my list of what to do with that hour or two I have a day where I am not mothering/working. Like you, TV watching and eating comes first, and then sometimes a shower! I am hoping my amount of “me” time keeps increasing, and I can fit in more time for other things (including sex!).
I’m glad I don’t look too crazy or withholding. Good luck to you. I think you’ll see your me time will increase. Hoping.
I’m not telling you anything you haven’t already heard. Just know my husband eventually left me after I withheld sex due to my issues with my body (post baby and even 4 years later). He loved me just the way I was. But I didn’t. Yet I was too self-involved to see what I was doing to him. Just do it. Not for him but for BOTH of you. I wish there was a magical solution for getting yourself back into the groove. I just don’t want to read another devastating story similar to mine because it can be prevented.
My husband has actually had his “withdrawal” phases too and we’ve figured out a way to make it work.
I’m sorry for what happened to you and thanks for the advice.
As for what you should do, I think you should each try. You may need to decide on a time to do it and ask for his extra help in something so you can rest up. Doesn’t have to stay planned forever, but it can help right now. And he can also give yiu a break. Especially after a fifth kid. I can only imagine, and I have three!
I think our lower sex drive after kids is a biological message from our bodies so we don’t get pregnant again right away. Also, are you on hormonal birth control? I found it to kill my interest in sex, dry me up and cause moodiness. Several friends have said the same. I was tons more interested after ditching the hormones.
Nope, no hormones except my natural ones, and those are a BITCH.
We have unusual circumstances now, too. He works 12 hour shifts overnight and sleeps during the day, so it’s not like he’s BEGGING me for it all the time. We’re both drained and are most of the time we are just passing by each other. Sex is not a point of contention, really, between us since we’re both so damn tired, so that helps, it’s just something that I feel guilty about.
I hear ya sister! Totally and completely. You are not weird or abnormal and you are certainly not alone!
Are you speaking for me? Totally feel you on this one. I would avoid sex all together if I had my choice. Too busy, pulled in all directions with work, kids, family. But, I married a sex martyr. Apparently, his mental state is directly related to sex. We all suffer. So, I suck it up and give in, give up 10-15 minutes, knowing I am not far from being able to sleep.
We’re on the same page exactly. I do the same.
Also “So, I suck it up and give in,” Freudian slip?
Just make sure you have communication with the Hubs about how you’re feeling.
yes, we do have that, at least.
You’re not abnormal.
In my experience, though, the more I do it with my husband, the more I want to.
Should you completely disregard your feelings in order to satisfy his needs (and it IS a need)? Here’s what I’ve discovered about that: Just like anything else, the hardest part is getting started. But the cool part is that I end up enjoying it, every time. 
Another thing I learned about my husband is that he wants ME for ME. It’s the history of our relationship – including the babies we’ve made – that make me sexy to him.
One last thing I’ll share that I’ve learned… While I’m busy thinking, “Ohmygod please just turn out the lights!!!”, he’s thinking, “MY WIFE’S BOOBIES!!!”
I agree with this post 100%. DVR your favorite reality show. The cleaning will still be there when you’re done. The bills can wait. Your husband needs you!
I have never really been one to NEED sex. When I went to the doctor, he asked me what form of birth control I was using and I said, “Abstinence.” He asked me why and I explained that I didn’t feel Orka the killer whale and I wasn’t interested because I was fat. He answered “use it or lose it.” At first I was offended. What the fuck did he know? He was a man afterall. Then, as I started to work on my psych degree, I learned that men reallly do need it for physical and psychological reasons and I have really tried to “make myself more available to him.” Even though I never really want it going into it, I usually can get into the groove by the time we are done. Even if I don’t, I feel better knowing that I gave my hubbie the gift he needed. I sometimes LOATHE the thought of getting started but I tell myself, this won’t take much time out of my day and it will make him happy. Like you, it isn’t a slap in my husband’s face. I am just not interested and I keep thinking there must be something wrong with me. Who knows? Maybe there is…
I hope things get better for you!
Sorry…I explained that I DID feel like Orka, not “didn’t.” Typo.
I think sex is an important part of a relationship, and if the rolls were reversed, I wouldn’t be accepting of the situation, at all.
I’m not saying that you’re reasons aren’t valid, but if your husband can’t deal with this, he’s not necessarily being unfair. I don’t know if he can’t deal with it, obviously, I’m just sayin’.
Love you Tena.
That was confusing, I meant, if I was in the relationship, and my husband wouldn’t have sex with me, so. If it were me, and if the roles the were reversed.
I give the sex once the doc gives an all-clear regardless of my desire for it. But good for you and the understanding husband!
I actually talked to my OB/ GYN about my lack of desire (at the time my kids were 1 and 3). He pretty much confirmed everything Nikki said above!
Why is my sex drive lacking?: ‘Cause I’m in my 30′s with 2 kids and a full-time job. It’s totally normal and he’s had thousands of women talk to him about it – so if that many are willing to talk about it, you know how many more are experiencing it.
What can I do about it? Fake it ’till you make it. Just do it. He did also recommend masturbation (your body may have changed and you feel pleasure a different way now) and communication with the partner about what feels good. Those weren’t really my problems, though. And if there had been an underlying marital problem, obviously seek counseling. But barring those things, just do it. Put it on the calendar (the proverbial calendar, not the one in your kitchen).
Such a great post. This resonated so strongly with me:
“I feel utilitarian, not sexy.”
Yes. When my husband and I have gone through similar, I’ve described it as, “By the end of the day, I am sick of people needing me”. I agree that it’s both a matter of time, and asking for/getting some extra help. There are few things that turn me on more than unloading the diswasher. I don’t think you should feel broken or obligated to snap into sex kitten overnight, but don’t forget that a happy sex life serves you too.
Oh, and I also agree on the hormonal BC front. I switched to an IUD when we decided we were done, and it’s helped tremendously.
Okay, let me be the devil’s advocate here:
Why is *his* need more important than *her* need? Why is the person with the lesser sex drive considered the “broken” one? Maybe instead of telling her “fake it until you make it,” why don’t we tell him, “maybe back off a bit”?
good point
I’ve read (and had it confirmed by my husband, as best he can understand) that the husband’s need for sex and physical intimacy is like the wife’s need for verbal communication and emotional intimacy. If my husband refused to talk to me for months on end, regardless of the situation, I’d have major problems.
Plus, he already HAS “backed off a bit” – he’s been forced to not have his needs met for 6+ weeks. I couldn’t go 6+ weeks without talking to my husband!
For me, it was also about “faking it til I made it” because I had needs, too! I NEEDED to feel like more than a spit-upon, diaper-changing, bleary-eyed mom. I needed to feel sexy, and the best way to do that is to have sex – especially when I had a husband who couldn’t wait to be intimate with his wife again.
It’s difficult to talk about this subject without painting the husband as an insensitive, sex-crazed maniac who doesn’t care WHO he does it with… but in most cases, that’s not the picture at all. It’s a husband who misses his wife in the most intimate and precious way possible.
Well stated, Damsel, on both your comments. You said exactly what I was going to say and have experienced as well.
I love this site. All of the women on here are so supportive, as women should be.
When I had my fifth kid, we had sex about four times in his first year. It gets harder to bounce back with each subsequent kid and you shouldn’t be putting any pressure on yourself. And I totally understand the thing about feeling bad about your body. My “baby” is going to be ten next month and I recently had a tummy tuck after years of threatening to do so. So, take some more time, don’t stress, and know that you are soooo not alone!
You are speaking my mind! I have felt this way for the past 2 years since I had my baby! I feel so guilty about it, and my husband, like someone’s above, is also a bit of sex martyr. One of the things that’s worked for us in the past is to schedule sex. I know it sounds super unsexy, but it totally works. We have sex every 3 days. If we don’t have it by the 3rd day, we have to have it the 4th. It takes the pressure off of him to ask and most of the time I end up enjoying myself.
In the time it took you to write this blog post, you could have given your husband some satisfaction. Priorities, just saying.
Agreed.
I keep coming back to this post because there are replies to my comments, so I’m getting emails….
I just wanted to add that I don’t agree with you about things not needing to be fixed. If meeting your husband’s needs is at the bottom of your list, under a reality TV show and cleaning the house, then something needs to change. Your marriage needs to be a priority, not the umpteen other things you listed that you “have” to do. Besides, sex is FUN!!
Er, sex is not fun when you feel fat, ugly, tired, stressed out, and totally fried from too little down time. I totally agree that meeting a husband’s needs is important and needs to be prioritized, but what about her needs? The whole point of this piece is that they need to find a balance of meeting everyone’s needs that doesn’t currently exist.
I’m in my 8th month of my 1st pregnancy. The first 6 months we were totally on track (as in pre-pregnancy), now its like I could care less but oddly, so does he. He says it has nothing to do with the way I look that he is just stressed, lower libido etc. I read that its pretty normal in this stage. I’m glad to hear stories of the not-so-glamorous after baby parts of marriage too. No one tells you those things! At least I know I’m not the only one, if/when this happens post-baby! Thanks for posting!
I have four kids. The youngest is 8 months old. I work full time and have 3 hour daily commute. I am EXHAUSTED. However, I do my best to sneak in some couple time on the weekends. Mostly, it’s in the walk in closet (I thought I was the only one that did that?). But, it works and he stays happy and I don’t feel guilty. My body is nowhere near where it needs to be but for now, it’s the only one I’ve got. I make it work. If it were the other way around, my husband would do it for me. Sometimes a whole week goes by without the deed, but I try to make up for it. I’m hoping as the baby gets older, we’ll be intimate more often.
It took me more than the 6 weeks post baby, but we got back into it and my husband was patient.
However, when the baby was more of a kid, we had sort of a role reversal – he wasn’t intersted. It got to the point taht so much time passed, it was not ok. Something was clearly wrong and he was not talking about it and at some point, you can’t help but feel that there’s something wrong with you because you don’t feel wanted. It sounds like you guys are talking and that’s ok, but just don’t let it go too long (and I’m not saying something is wrong with you – it’s not, but your marriage is worth paying attention to).
Even if you have to set aside time to hide in the walk in closet once a week – do it – like a lot of peole said – it’s 10 minutes. Even if you’d rather not, even if you could think of 10 other things you’d rather be doing. I know it can be hard and feel like just one more thing to squeeze in between the laundry and the dishes and the homework, but doing something that’s good for your marriage is never bad. And guys are surprisingly so much less judgmental than we are about our own bodies – they just want to get laid.
I could copy and paste this with “by Katie.” #3 is 9 mos and I feel the same way. And I agree 100% with everything you wrote.
My daughter is 10 months old, and my husband and I shockingly have sex almost as much as we did pre-baby. That being said, I often have calculate in my head how long it’s been and tell myself that it’s time, especially if he’s been extra helpful and understanding. Usually once we start fooling around, I get into it. Sex is as important to him as an understanding listening ear is to me and part of the give and take of the relationship.
That doesn’t mean it’s always easy though. I bet 50-75% of the time I think “Oh, one more thing to do today!” I am also breastfeeding but got my period back pretty quickly, 3 months after she was born. Frankly, I can’t say I’m sad about it– it’s a nice get out of sex free for a week card every month
All men should be taught that emptying the dishwasher is an aphrodisiac. Ask for some time to adjust from “mom” to “wife”. Half an hour in a tub of bubbles goes a long way. Sometimes I say, OK but you have to convince me, and he takes his time and convinces me. Sometimes my skin is so worn from children touching it all day that I know there is no way it will work for me, so I tell him, have yourself a party honey. Then he knows he can go for a quickie and not worry about me. I almost always get a back rub out of that and for some reason, my skin is never too worn out for that. Love and kindness go a long way.
This post rings so true!! After having our sons, I was preoccupied with raising them and running the house and working full-time. Believe it, I heard it from the husband that “everyone else does it like twice a week, not once a month!” (I really really wanted to ask him if his friends were jumping off a cliff would he do that just because they were? The mom coming out of me, I guess!) Finally, the kids are old enough they can pretty much handle themselves without my eye on them 100% of the time so the intimacy has picked back up…but those first few years with young kids…whew…sex was the absolute last thing on my mind most days! Also, I tried explaining it to the husband, much like you described above, and he tried to understand but the lack of sex throws him into some PMS sort of state and then I’d have three kids to deal with, not just our two sons. So, once-a-month sex placated him and his attitude for a few years. Great post!
Guy perspective here… This post basically sums up my life right now.
When my wife got the all clear to resume sexytime about six weeks after the baby was born, it was largely a moot point because both of us were far too tired to ever be in the mood. For the first few months after the baby was born, we were only having sex once or twice a month. For the first 6 months or so, I was patient and understood.
Now the baby is 13 months old and the frequency hasn’t improved at all (even though the baby is sleeping through the night, has almost stopped nursing, and I am handling 75% of our housework). Patience has yielded to frustration, which has in turn yielded to a burning internal rage.
I’ve tried initiating more often, but always get shot down. I’ve tried waiting for her to initiate, only to have weeks go by without anything happening. I really don’t know how much longer I can go on like this.
John, No you don’t have to be super-husband and anticipate her every need; however she’s had a person kicking around her insides for 9 months, not to mention what it takes to birth one. The old folks used to say that takes a woman to death’s doorstep.
Some women snap right back, others take a little while longer. Help her by encouraging her to eat healthy, take her vitamins and get enough rest. She still hasn’t restored from all the sleep she lost those months.
It took me about 11 months to actually want sex again and even longer to find the energy to go for it. That said, maybe you should ask your wife how she’s feeling, and if perhaps there is something else the two of you could try together to bring the sexy back.
I know that sex is important in a marriage, but I had a hell of a time meeting my husbands needs in this area and actually started to resent him for wanting sex. We had to try a different approach and then things just kind of fell into place for us. I hope things work out for you and your wife, been there done that and I feel for you both.
John, my suggest is to take the bull by the horns and come right out and ask her how she feels about sex now that the baby’s been born? I’m sure it’s either a self image problem or some sort of postpartum depression thing going on. After a year, she should be coming around. If she hasn’t there’s definitely something not right going on. Skirting around it, isn’t going to help the situation or your marriage. You have to both be courageous enough to speak up and inquire about what it is that’s the issue. My only suggestion is that you allow her to talk about it in her own time. When I say “take the bull by the horns,” I mean don’t just let the issue lay and anger fester. It’ll eventually consume you, your relationship and your marriage!
Hmmmm…There is a lot here. First off I get it…kids, child birth…and age all play a part here. However, I WOULD NOT discount a medical reason for your lack of libido and you should get checked out. Is she broken because she has less of a libido? I would say there is not enough information here to say anyone is broken. However is that going to matter when someone walks away from the marriage?
It only took me about 18 years to finally give up. Everyone of them as faithful as the next. However, one person can only do so much begging, can take only so much rejection before they realize they don’t have to do it any more.
I am afraid that some people really underestimate the importance of physical connections in a relationship. However it has to be like exercise and diet. If you don’t make it a priority it never will be. So I get where you are at now, but think about how its going to be 2, 5, 10 years down the road if this keeps up. Is that the marriage you really want?
Finally, the one thing I do know is it takes two to tango. Sexual relationships in a marriage are a partnership. A partner should be willing to be understanding and compromising, but to be honest I don’t see much of a compromise in what you wrote. You are withholding because that’s what you want. I didn’t hear much concern for what your husband might be enduring to accomodate you.
And yes….Guys helping with the household chores is not only good for the marriage but an aphrodisiac. We don’t have to be rewarded every time for doing something we should be helping with any way. However, when we do go that extra mile we d like the rewards whether you think we had an agenda or not.
Every few years, I go through a very long “dry spell” where I just flat don’t care about sex. I’m there right now and have been for over a year. No health insurance means that I can’t go see the doctor and find out what’s going on, but I have a feeling that it’s hormonal. It happened after my kids were born, too.
My sweetie is very understanding and patient. I do appreciate that. But, we’re currently averaging at about once a month. We’re sitting at over three weeks right now.
Okay, I’m not really in the mood, but I’m off to proposition him…
Sweet Girl,
You are in the Majority. It’s like’ “Buy me flowers, hug me then roll over, I am tired.”
I have six kids, age 19 to 44. So I’m a bit older than most of you. One thing I discovered is that after each birth (I had twins at 37) it took a little longer to get my groove back. I think it’s your body’s way of restoring itself. A healthy libido needs everything in sync… childbirth is a huge disruptor. One of my friends was still breastfeeding when the baby was 9 months. Most doctors don’t seem to tune into what that does to a woman. Check w/your GYN. But I’m sure your passion will roar to life when you least expect it… LOL
Exhaustion kills libido. It’s like if you’re thirsty you don’t feel hunger until you’ve had something to drink. If I am very very stressed and tired, then sex will be the last thing on my mind. Honestly, sometimes even conversation is beyond me. If I’ve spent hours talking to people at work, then when I come home all I want is some dinner and a cuddle.
I think if you are feeling unsexy and exhausted it’s completely normal to not want sex. I don’t think you need to feel guilty for not feeling like Superwoman on top of running a household and raising 5 kids. But, I also think that if you are feeling this exhausted then it is a signal that perhaps something in your life can give so you have more time for yourself.
Is cleaning the priority, or intimacy? It’s probable you cannot do both. If intimacy becomes a priority then delegate the cleaning or let it slide a bit (even if it is a couple of times a week). Is there anyone that can help with childcare for a few hours so you can have a date night?
Do you have to listen to the baby on the monitor or think about bills? Is it possible to switch off your brain for half an hour?
Sometimes I would go for weeks and months without desire for sex, but I’ve always had intimacy time even if intimacy is lying together, holding or stroking each other. It’s important, otherwise we become reduced to our utalitarian roles.
What about this: same attitude, different context?
My fiance and I had sex all the time when we first got together, and we now have not had sex in about six or seven months. We have no children, we live together, we love each other very much, we have regular date nights, we are very affectionate, and he reminds me how beautiful I am to him on a regular basis. I’m 26 and he’s 30.
He’s a complete workaholic but he works from home, and I work a horrible, stressful job – I broke out in shingles just a couple of months ago. We are not frequently interested in sex, and we are NEVER interested at the same time; when we are interested, we are both A-okay with handling it individually – more efficient, less of a hassle.
But as this article points out, we receive messages constantly that this is not acceptable behavior, even if we’re both okay with it. It worries me that we may be doing some kind of damage even though neither of us are unhappy about it. Has anyone been through this?
great thoughts, and I share similar sentiment (kids just under 3, 18 mo and 7 weeks). i think i avoid sex because: a) i have 3 kids under three. it downright scares me at this point and b) when the days are long and we’re both tired, I want emotional connectedness, not just physical. I think if the first is met, I’m more inclined to meet the second. but sometimes there’s not time for both. i suppose we should both get what we want and share our extracurriculars.
It’s amazing to me that so many women seem to go through this, but not surprising. When my wife and I had our second child, she lost complete interest and pretty much went to extremes to try and avoid having sex. I was left bewildered and wondering why. Being as young as I was, I also became somewhat insecure and unsure of my self as a man because the only way I could have sex with her was to “steal” it! That was probably one of the most humiliating and lowest points of my life and our marriage, which needless to say didn’t last a whole lot longer after that period. My second wife had a similar experience with similar results. We also entered a period where I worked 2nd shift and would come home after she had already gone to bed. She had to be at work a few hours after I got home and I had to leave heading to work about thirty minutes after she arrived home in the evenings. That’s pretty much how we spent about three years of our marriage which led to infidelity on my part and a growing apart that subtly settled in on us and led to a second divorce. So the idea of “work” getting in the way or allowing it to serve as an excuse for not spending time together only adds to and increases the likelihood of separation, not just physically, but mentally and emotionally. Not demanding or requiring time spent with one another can be just a setup for something worse later! The frequency of intimacy, in my opinion, is something that develops between you upon spending time bonding together. It’s a natural progression which results when you share special moments and are connected to one another. It stands to reason, that you would then want to demonstrate that physically and that’s when sex occurs. No, not all of these element have to be present for sex to occur, but in a marriage, ideally this is how sex occurs.
The fact that you seem to be okay with it not taking place, although feelings of guilt have developed, suggests there’s more to it than meets the eye. I think your ideas about your self image are what the problem is, what I would suggest is get rid of the kids, send them to grandma’s, auntie, or the babysitter for an overnight stay and while you’re in your planning mode, put your planning to work on a romantic evening and let it all come together in an evening making out with your hubby!! Throw off the covers and stop hiding yourself from your husband, if he’s a good man, he’ll love you no matter what!
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