Stacy Morrison had worked for Redbook as their editor-in-chief, and as a New York publisher for 16 years when her husband asked her for a divorce. She felt like she finally had it all together with a new baby and a new house and a good marriage. When it all came crashing down around her she took charge of what she had left and realized that it wasn’t as simple as “what she had left.” Stacy’s wisdom is captured in her book, Falling Apart in One Piece: One Optimist’s Journey Through the Hell of Divorce.
When I first met Stacy we were at a swanky little party, and met because of our mutual admiration of the woman who writes the blog Bossy. In one of those rare moments, we connected over the word that usually makes people run for the hills the second it’s uttered: divorce. As women, I think we were at the crux of what was defining us in that moment and fell into instant camaraderie. As writers, we did that, too, but Stacy was putting it all out there to explore and understand, whereas I wasn’t writing about it, and yet my friends and family all knew that the things I wasn’t saying in my writing were the things they wanted most to understand.
What I wasn’t saying was that I couldn’t believe how vindictive he had become, and that people were right when they told me, “If you ever really want to meet your spouse you’ll do so before a divorce attorney or the judge granting you the divorce” and “You don’t know who you marry. You know who you divorce.” and other nuggets of wisdom that I found to be painfully true for my marriage. As much as I wanted to know who my husband was in our marriage, I couldn’t figure it out until I got away from him and had enough space to breathe and figure out who I was becoming. I was the classic woman who had no idea who she married and who didn’t know who she was without certain definitions.
I was a mom and that had happened even before I met him. My own definition of “mother” never included another parent and that didn’t get much better once we were together.
I was a teacher and what I was willing to give up for my students in my time and energy always seemed to compete with what I was willing to give up for my marriage.
I was a friend. That was and is evolving as I figured out who they truly were once I told them I left my husband. When my family asked about them I would simply say, “I lost them in the divorce. He has them now.”
While I got excellent advice from friends, they didn’t have all the answers and the best things they could offer me at times were in the form of a hand held or a dinner they brought over to my sparse apartment.
On the website for her book, Stacy includes even more stories and articles that she’s written about how one even goes through a divorce. There’s so much that people don’t tell you because it truly is hell that you’re navigating. Just when you think you have it figured out, you find out something else. For me, it was mostly on the financial side. I hadn’t considered that my husband would go after my pension, but he did, and in the state we live in he is entitled to it because we were married for more than 10 years. Or that, because I made more money than he did, he was entitled to nearly $700 a month in child support. Or that he even considered fighting me for our children (two teenage sons) so that he could get that out of me.
That was the most ludicrous of all, because I was the consummate working mother who put my kids in soccer and basketball and ballet and read to them at night and was physically exhausted from trying to do it all and/or ask him to help me raise the children. I tried sitting down with him without our lawyers to discuss this and couldn’t get very far because, almost immediately, he told me that he was entitled to it because he helped me pay for my post-graduate degree. “You did the work and read the books and wrote the papers, but that degree is partly mine. You owe me.”
I had no idea who this person was because, as a couple, he never wanted much. He didn’t want to work on improving our house and he didn’t want to take a vacation because he was fine with our life the way it was. He coached basketball and played golf and got in way over his head with playing video games. Why would we need to take a trip to the Bahamas? I should have been happy with what we had.
It’s almost too obvious to state, but I wasn’t. I couldn’t remember ever being truly happy in my marriage. So, when I left, I had to learn some things the hard way. First, I had to find the difference between being “alone” and being “lonely.” Next, I realized that I parented differently when I didn’t have a partner to run things by since we did that at opposite ends of the spectrum. Finally, I had to choose joy. I write about that one a lot and my family knew that when I wrote about it I was doing so because it was elusive and I was really down in the dumps.
But, enough of all that. What I really wanted to write about, now that it’s far enough behind me, is how to be a friend when you know someone going through this. It’s not rocket science, but many people tend to back off and stay away because they don’t know what to say or they don’t know how to react to this new you emerging from the cocoon.
First, be supportive and offer lots of coffee dates and dinners. Sometimes, we have to learn to cook for one and that’s disheartening, so we might just stop eating altogether. Make sure we’re getting enough good foods. I didn’t eat right for a full 6 months and my body took a toll.
Second, call and call and call. Or, text and text and text. I need and crave that communication, but it’s really easy to retreat into my shell so that I don’t have to face the world. Going to the movies is great because you don’t have to talk. Make sure it’s a funny movie. I highly recommend “Reno 911! Miami” because it was super silly and I laughed until it hurt.
Also, send cards of pretty pictures or even actual photographs of me and my children that you have. It’s a good reminder that I have had good times. Also, I may have left all my pictures behind so I could use some. My friend, Karen, sent me a lovely sunflower that I still look at and smile when I see it. She helped brighten my day when she wrote that she was thinking of me.
Finally, keep telling me that this is a season of my life and that it won’t last forever. Whether it’s the emotional pain I’m going through or the financial burden I’m now experiencing, I need to know that it will end. I probably can’t see the forest for the trees right now, so it’s important that you keep reminding me.
Coming out on the other side never seems possible when you’re staring at your life changing. Lots of blame made me feel worse about myself, and the idea that I failed at marriage seemed too much to bear at times. It wasn’t true, but I thought everyone else had it all figured out and that I couldn’t “get” it. When you have the time to think about all these failures it just feels really crappy. I experienced some episodic depression (did you know about this? Because I didn’t.) and really felt like I would be heavy with this burden the rest of my life. It was my friends that got me through and it would be my girlfriends who let me just cry and lament over what went wrong before taking me by the shoulders to say, “That’s right. This went wrong. What are you going to do now?”
Indeed, it is the only question worth answering if you’re going to move on from this.
What advice would you give someone going through this? What has been helpful to those of you who have gotten divorced? If it gives someone the tools and words to use when a friend goes through this, it will be wisdom worth its weight in gold because in the end, all I wanted was some peace.
When I split up from my husband I never got to the divorce part because he committed suicide six weeks later. Double whammy! Not only did I leave him “in his darkest hour” but somehow it felt like he did it just to f**k me up (which isn’t true).
So how do you support someone with that kind of guilt and trauma? Strangely (which is why I am commenting) it is exactly the same advice.
My only other thoughts would be to listen without judgement no matter what. Grief and anger can create ugly words but they are much better spoken than kept inside.
Realise that divorce (and any other huge life change) will change a person. Either grow with them and embrace the change or bow out gracefully if your grow apart.
And lastly, try to forgive our selfishness. We won’t be able to give much when we feel so spent and empty inside. We might forget your birthday or not be able to cope when you have own issues for a while. But it does get better. This too shall pass.
Thanks for a great post.
Oh, Katie. I have no words of empathy, just of sympathy. That isn’t in my experience but I’m so sorry it’s in yours. You make an excellent point about forgiving our selfishness. Holy guilt, Batman! But you and I both needed that precious TIME to come to grips with things. Thanks for the advice.
I will probably read and re-read this wonderful post many times. See, I am in the throws of divorce currently. All friends “IRL” bailed on me. Social media has been my saving grace. I look forward to checking back and viewing the comments. xoxo to all that may need it today.
Lesley, I’m sorry for what you’re going through right now, too. Hopefully, you’ll have new IRL friends that won’t bail on you. I know I made a ton of new friends and they were through social media, too! I have a huge group of them from Twitter that are a real part of my life and I love them dearly. They get to watch you change and grow because, you know what? You were going to do that anyway.
This is such a fantastic post – both from the perspective of someone going through the hell of a divorce, as well as from the friends’ point of view.
When my ex left when I was 6-months pregnant, my friend wrote me a card that I still have up in my office to this day. I’m honestly not sure that I would’ve made it through that day without this. The inside says:
“You WILL get through this. Just take it one day at a time. When that gets too hard, take it one hour at a time. When that gets too hard, take in one minute at a time. When that gets too hard, take it one breath at a time. And, when THAT gets too hard…….let us know and we will breathe for you.”
Just knowing that even though I was navigating these waters alone – I wasn’t ever really alone. That was a huge support.
Other advice for friends that I noticed that was very subtle, yet greatly appreciated – try to be aware of the little things. For example, when you ask them to join a big group for dinner, mix the seating arrangements up. Don’t seat everyone husband-wife-husband-wife-SINGLE PERSON-husband-wife. Try not to single them out. They will probably already feel like there’s a big, scarlet “D” on their forehead – don’t help to highlight that.
And yes – call, text, drop dinner by, send a card – reach out to them in any way possible. Most likely, they will have retreated or not want to “burden” anyone with what is going on in their lives. But that (sometimes forced) interaction will be appreciated for years down the line.
And they will get through this. I did.
Best. Card. EVER. (ok, for this situation, but you know what I mean!) It’s hard to be the person who has to SAY that, but I’m glad your friend recognized that you needed to HEAR it as well. I love that. I’m writing it down. Thank you!
so…
this:
“You WILL get through this. Just take it one day at a time. When that gets too hard, take it one hour at a time. When that gets too hard, take in one minute at a time. When that gets too hard, take it one breath at a time. And, when THAT gets too hard…….let us know and we will breathe for you.”
just made me cry. I really wish I would’ve gotten that. That is exactly what I needed to hear. I’m NO GOOD at articulating my feeligns to my friends about what’s happening in my life, and in turn then have no idea how to help me. I kinda wish they would all just magically find this post. I feel like an asshat sending it to them. I’m supposed to be the strong, composed one, you know?
Thank you everyone! A dear friend of mine is going through a divorce with 4 kids and it’s uglier than she ever imagined it would be. I wasn’t sure how to reach out to her, but after reading this, I just sent her an email with a standing offer that our door is open (as long as she doesn’t mind a messy house) and I told her I would be offended if she didn’t drop the kids off every so often. She immediately replied with a “You don’t know how much this means to me.” Thank you again and again!
I’m not sure which comment is making me the most grateful for writing this, but they’re getting better and better.
When I’ve had a friend go through this, I feel like the best thing I could do for her was to check in through text, Facebook, email, whatever at least every day.
She needed to know that something was still a constant in her life.
Angie, that’s what I needed the most and you know what filled that “constant”? The Internet friends! They hadn’t changed on me or started expecting different things. Maybe that sounds weird or cheesy, but it’s the truth. They gave me a lot of support.
I’ve only had one close friend go through a divorce (most of my friends are in the throes of still getting married) but I’m proud to say I followed a lot of your advice above, helping pack boxes, cook meals and invite over for television and wine. Thanks for shedding some light for those of us who want to be good friends but are not always sure how.
Good on you, Daisy! You’re already a good friend.
Kelly,
First of all, let me say that this article is wonderful, and very spot on.
At times? I felt like you were writing about my ex-husband.
My divroce was final at the first of July. It’s been almost a year now since the marriage broke up. It was ugly. Nasty. He tried to go after custody of our daughter because he was so intent on hurting me.
We’re barely civil to one another these days, even though we share custody.
But yes, letting people know there is light at the other end is one of the most important things you can do.
Shortly after the break up, one of my dearest friends sent me a card and included a sheet with song lyrics on it. The title of the song was “Shine a Light”. She was letting me know that no matter how dark it was, she was there beside me, to help me find my way through the blackness. She reminded me every day that I wasn’t alone.
I wonder if you were as shocked as I was when I first heard my ex-husband wanted full custody. It was clearly to get back at me because I’m not a bad mother. That’s what bothered me the most – finding out who this person really was.
Shocked doesn’t even cover it. And that’s exactly why my ex did it too. I’m a great mother. It’s one of the few things in my life I haven’t screwed up.
I got the divorce papers at work..and read through the legalese to discover he was asking for sole custody. Gut punched. Terrified.
Any feelings I had left for him at all died on that day.
What an excellent article. I wish I’d read this four years ago, or even the past two when I’ve been going through what is aptly described as hell. No-one can come close to imagining it, especially if their are financial losses and the loss of my home in my case. To become a single parent overnight is a huge task, especially with all the emotional pain that you are in and your children are going through too. It’s like navigating your way through a huge tornado of the emotional and financial and social kind.
I experienced such huge losses already, but when people who were friends shunned me or ignored me, or never asked how I was, it hurt very deeply at a time when I was already hurting. I understand more now, especially from reading this, that people maybe just didn’t know how to deal with it. It’s like when someone dies and no-one talks about it. If you read this and you have a friend who’s going through it please just reach out whichever way you’re comfortable doing. The little cards I received here and there are treasured and sit on my dresser and keep me going every day. The times when someone has taken one of my children when the other was sick or when I had surgery, or when they need I had reached my limits are the times that I cherish and remember more than anything. Those small gestures of “How are you doing”? “Is there anything I can do to help”? or simply, “I’m thinking about you”, in the form of a note on facebook or even email are the ones that have kept me walking and kept me hoping that everything would be OK, that I could make it. The friends that stayed silent – I don’t blame them, but I know now, that I will always make an effort to embrace in whatever way I can someone who is navigating these stormy waters – for a woman, mother and being it is only what I can describe as incredibly challenging. We are the fixers, the doers, the ones who want to protect our children at all costs. Dads of course go through this too, but usually the woman is the one who has the children and has to navigate them through it and at the same time try and protect her own sanity.
Silence amongst women hurts. Be the friend who reaches out. Be the one to text, email or leave an encouraging comment, or pick up the phone and actually ask your friend how they are. Because those are the friends who got me through. Literally. I’m not sure I could have made it without those few people who were there for me. I didn’t need much at all, I just need to know I wasn’t alone.
Thank you Curvy Girl for sharing these incredibly helpful, insightful articles. Our lives are complicated enough, it’s nice to have a village, even an internet one, where I have bonded with some many women who are walking the same journey. Thank you.
That’s really good information. I seriously never knew that someone would want to hear from me as she’s going through this. I guess I’d thought I would just be another obligation to someone with a lot going on. Dozens of my friends have gotten divorced in the last three years. Wow – I’ll do better in the future.
This article was really useful to me as someone on the outside of divorce. I had a friend get a divorce last year and I didn’t know what to do. It’s interesting that you give the advice to call, text, send email because my reaction was to do the opposite and never bring it up. I was afraid to make things worse, but in hindsight maybe she felt not talking about it with her was insensitive.
Thanks for this.
I’m divorced too.
Today I will tell you that I am most likely the most happiest divorced person you could ever meet, which is what I generally say when people say “OMFG you’re divorced? I’m so sorry?” to which I now reply, ‘I’m not!’ and smirk.
However, at the time it was hell. No kids, no house (thank God) however he was all I had in this rather large, wonderful city that I reside in. All of my closest friends lived in another province, along with my family. That was the hard part. Thank God for social networking and the people that I have never met in 3D aka IRL but have been instrumental in being there for me when I needed them the most.
One thing that was said to me always stuck out the most above all else. She said “It must hurt, a lot. However each day when you wake up, that’s another day without him in your life, which brings you one day closer to healing”. At the time, I thought she was nuts because it Hurt. So. Bad. Looking back on it now, I have a great job, a fabulous place to live and most importantly I have my *own* life and I did it all, without him. It took a while to get there, the road was long and hard, riddled with pot holes but I made it. I’m also that much better for it too.
A friend of mine who recently separated and is now going through divorce has a child who is the same age I was when my parents split up. This is what I told her: As a parent, you are of course consumed with how this will affect your child, especially a young child. (I can only base this on being a young child because that’s where I once was during my parent’s divorce). Your young child will not remember any of this. Seriously. What s/he will remember is having two parents who are not together but still love them – cheesy as that may sound it’s true.
My first therapist (I needed therapy for nothing that had to do with my parent’s divorce but because I have a severe mental illness) asked about my parent’s divorce and mentioned something about how it affected me and whether or not I wanted for them to get back together and perhaps I was harboring some of that.
My response: Fuck no. I love my parents as individuals and though they did try they are most certainly two people who should not be together. They raised two excellent and moderately successful children (moderate because, dude, I put all of my shit on the Internet and that’s totally weird to them)…children who are well adjusted and don’t know of anything other than their parents living separate lives. Despite the separate when it came to my brother and I my parents always came together because that is what is important. It’s not about being a couple but being united for your child. You don’t need to be in love and living together to do that.
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