Hold On To Your Bubbies—The Real Houswives of New Jersey Are Back!

The air is a little spicier, the pasta a little al dentier, and the tans a little darker because, hold on to your bubbies people, the Real Housewives of New Jersey are back! The fourth season kicked off on Sunday with an episode called, High Tide, Low Blow.

Because these women are family, the RHONJ always provides the juiciest drama of any Real Housewife franchise. @BravoAndy didn’t just pick five random women and put them in a fishbowl, he has infiltrated into a family and lets the hair extensions fall where they may.

This season has all the ingredietsez for a battle between two matriarchs and the relatives around them. How do they all relate to one another? Here’s a bit of a breakdown:

Matriarch #1 – Caroline Manzo. Caroline’s brother, Chris Laurita, is married to Jacqueline Laurita. Pretty much everyone else who is shown on the show who isn’t a cast member is related to Caroline. Her sons show up, her daughter, and her multiple siblings come in and out of her big kitchen.

Matriarch #2 – Teresa Guidice. She spent last season trying to make amends with her brother, Joe Gorga, and sister-in-law Melissa Gorga. Melissa seemed jealous of Teresa so she decided to become a pop star in retaliation. Teresa’s second cookbook was published at the end of last season and it dropped a bitch bomb in everyone’s lap. Theresa’s defense of the comments she wrote in her cookbook about other cast members is that she was “just kidding.” The rest of the ladies aren’t buying it.

Teresa’s cousin, Kathy Wakile, is also a cast member. She’s married to Rich “That Jeff Goldblum-Looking Guy” Wakile. She seems less jealous of Teresa but is also a cook and you just know these cookbooks of Teresa’s are getting her pissed off. Kathy’s sister, Rosie, is one to watch in every scene.

Okay…now we’re up to speed.

This season, Jacqueline and her 20-year-old daughter, Ashlee, are still fighting. Despite threats to kick her out of the house, the girl remains, has gone blonde, and has new full lips. Because nothing says “we’re serious this time” like paying for your kid’s cosmetic injections. Apparently Jacqueline and Chris spend their weekends driving into the city to get Ashlee when she’s too drunk to come home. Each week I usually feel for some cast member’s plight. This week it was Jacqueline’s husband Chris. He is the stepdad to Ashlee, and he clearly loves her and doesn’t want to dole out the tough love. But that’s just what he did when he said to her on this week’s season premiere, “If you just want to keep on partying, then I know your head is up your ass.”

This season was filmed in the summer, so right out of the gate they’re smoking a hookah pipe at Kathy’s backyard pool party at The Shore. What the? Interlaced in the premiere, the families are reacting to Teresa’s cookbook. Kathy’s sister Rosie adds her two cents about the controversy by warning any possible family attackers that, “I will rip your heart and eat it.” I nuzzle down in my chair with a smile at this point because it is ingredientsez like this that make me love the Jersey cast the mostest.

Soon the families pack up and head to the Jersey Shore. This is awesome because huge sunglasses and leopard print EVERYTHING! I’m not going to mention the sex toys packed by several couples, but I do think it’s worth noting that the made up word of the day is… “Gorgasm.”

What they’ve also packed for the trip is more legal trouble for Joe Guidice. I felt for Teresa as she tried to talk to Joe about what to tell their kids. She’s in favor of shielding them and Joe’s only response to a sincerely distressed Teresa is the cryptic comment, “This is the life you chose.”

In this episode we also learn about vacation homes. The Guidices and the Gorgas own theirs and the Wakiles rent. The Guidices spend the day trying to figure out what the rodents ate in their absence from the shore and the Gorga’s have drywall ripped down in every room in an effort to renovate along with green pool water. The poor relatives’ (also known as Kathy) rented a posh place on the water and it is ready to go. (Lesson: rent at the shore people, don’t buy.) The Wakiles arrive to a lovely home which they use for three days and then leave, no strings attached for the next leopard print bikini-clad family to enjoy a few vacation Gorgasms.

Meanwhile…Caroline goes to a doctor to find out about her headaches. Music from the movie Jaws plays (dadum, dadum) the doctor tells Caroline the cause of her headaches is (dadum) MENOPAUSE!! She tells him to ‘eff off and instructs the doctor to prescribe drugs for everyone around her, because she’s fine but the rest of these people are nuts.

There’s also a bit of sly marketing I’d like to alert you to. It appears Caroline’s sons and Jacqueline’s husband are marketing a product called Black Water, or blk. In the scene where Caroline, her daughter, and Jacqueline take a power walk, they’re all wearing blk. merch and hydrating with it. Well played ladies. I’ll be looking for blk water this week and making a cocktail with it for next week’s show. Let’s set up our blk drinking game now. Anytime anyone utters the name Joe, take a guzlette. Salute! Meet you back here after.

image from bravotv.com