When I was a little girl, my parents had a cartoon philosophy book in our library. I loved that book—probably because it was the only book with illustrations in a room full of hardbound theology books. As an adult, I now see the humor in the book—it was a simple book with a different philosophy exemplified on each page by a hand-drawn pig. There is a Socratic pig in deep conversation with a disciple, a Franciscan pig with his congregation of animals, and two Sartrian pigs in the days of the resistance. We see a Presbyterian pig searching for signs of grace (with a magnifying glass), a Campbellite pig being silent where the Bible is silent, and a follower of Kierkegaard demonstrating a leap of faith.
Anyway, I would always ask my parents to explain the book, being that at age seven, I hadn’t had the requisite course in humanities to get the underlying humor. My mom would patiently explain the pictures to me as I questioned her: but why is the Stoic pig standing out in the cold? But why is the Nietzschean pig a Superpig?
I remember staring at the pictures and wondering which one was my favorite philosophy. I kept coming back to the picture of the two pigs reclining and eating grapes. They seemed the happiest. My mom explained that they were hedonists—people who devote their life to pursuing pleasure. That sounded awesome to me. I decided that I was a hedonist.
I’m not sure my mother was thrilled with that idea.
Somewhere along the way, I lost a sense of my hedonist ideals. Probably somewhere around 16 or 17, as the rest of my peers were diving head-first into the reckless pursuit of pleasure, I began the Pursuit of the To-Do List. I’m not sure what led me to do this. I suppose it’s a combination of being the oldest child, along with a naturally choleric temperament, fueled by some innate need for affirmation? I abandoned the pleasure principle in favor of being the “responsible one.”
Even at that age, I had a hard time slowing down, and an even more difficult time saying no. I remember my dad got a corporate gift every year —a daytimer. (For those of you in your late 20s, daytimers are what we had before Palm Pilots. For those of you in your early 20s, Palm Pilots are what we had before iPhones.) The daytimer was fancy and leatherbound, and my dad always gave it to me because he preferred his pocket edition. The daytimer made me feel very important. Every year of my high school career, I made it a goal to fill my daytimer up with activities and commitments. Are Wednesday looking slow? Perhaps I should join the yearbook committee. Nothing to do between last period and play rehearsals? Might as well join the swim team. Weekends freed up for relaxing? No, perhaps I should join the Young Lawyers Club. That will look good on a resume.
I’m afraid this habit has followed me into adulthood, and I’m now finding myself really struggling to make pleasure, or even self-care, a priority. I take care of everyone else all day. When I’m not doing that, I’m constantly feeling the pull to do something else on that to-do list. Work on my syllabus. Write a blog post. Clean out my email inbox. Get the laundry done.
It is very rare for me to just do something for fun anymore. In fact, I would say that I can go weeks at a time without doing something just for pleasure’s sake. I know that the season I am in is unique, but I also know that I am in charge of my own life. And I am often perplexed when I find myself up until 2am still trying to write off one more email, and then whining that I never have time to read, or sit in the sun, or cuddle with the kids. I just have a really difficult time with relaxing. Even to the point of not going to bed. When I relax, I start to get itchy about all the things I should be doing. In fact, I think I actually enjoy the planning of a vacation more than I enjoy the actual vacation. Because there is effectiveness in the planning. Relaxing is ineffective.
Relaxing is ineffective.
Did I just say that? Did I just quantify the passage of time based on how effective I am being at any give moment?
I have decided that I really want to lean into my hedonist side a little more. Don’t worry—I’m so far on the other side that this will likely involved nothing more shocking than sitting still for a pedicure. But really, I’d like to see myself sit and read a book while the kids are on the trampoline, instead of scurrying around the backyard cleaning. I’d like to take the time to download a list of song that *I* like onto the ipod, and then actually listen to them. I’d like to take a walk after the kids go down. I’d like to call a friend in the middle of the day instead of returning emails from strangers. I’d like to watch So You Think You Can Dance instead of CNN from time to time.
Are there any other anti-hedonists out there? Anybody else needing reform in enjoying the passing of time? Should we join forces, create a support network? Perhaps I could start a blog for us. Then we’ll probably want a message board. I can work on that. Maybe form a non-profit? I better write this down. Becoming a hedonist is going to take a lot of careful planning and organization. I’m making it sound really fun, aren’t I?
Help.
I can so relate to is post. I am in my final year of law school, I run e school’s LGBT group, I am a research assistant, I am planning, single handedly, my second full CLE day on LGBT rights (one of e first in the country), I run an Etsy biz, and am teaching myself various crafts to relax, and yet if I have more an 5 minutes of free time I FREAK out. I have got to be being productive if I am relaxing, planning a sewing project, making a digital layout, art journaling. I can’t just SIT THERE for god sakes! Your comment “relaxing is ineffective” made me laugh because my first thought was EXACTLY!!!
If you need some help planning this hedonistic group, let me know. I usually have a free hour every second Sunday of each month, and I might as well be so something with that time right?
*please blame all typos on auto correct on my iPad
I think I am the opposite of you, not that I am a hedonist. I just don’t schedule anything and sit on my ass a lot.
I need to be more like you, teach me your ways!
I am getting a bit better recently due to new house and blogging commitments. Maybe I should buy a diary?
I have two people in my life very, VERY similar to this. One is my husband. The other is my best friend. Me? I am soooooo not like this. I am always in favor of “It can wait”. or “Do it later”. This frustrates my husband to no end. It is also why he takes care of most of the chores in the house. B’c he wants them done on his time table, and his time table does not meet my need to be laid-back Type B girl. Do the lawn later, let’s take the kids to the park. “But the lawn hasn’t been mowed in a week – look at the neighbors lawn!”. And out he goes.
My best friend is less of an issue b’c we do not live in the same house and compete with each others personalities. I suspect it would be similar if she were in my house. In addition to her “clean all the things!” [thanks Hyperbole & A Half!] attitude, she also gives herself wicked guilt trips for days off that are not productive in some manner, and God help her when she has a sick day. She sits at home, miserable b’c she is sick, and miserable b’c she has so much she could be doing at home! In fact, I think it’s a cycle. She works herself too much, her body and mind get worn down, she gets sick, slows down only b’c she is forced to – then gets back to work and gets right back to it.
Good luck with that hedonism thing – if you need any help, I’ll be over here putting off things until later.
My best friend is exactly like this. My joy comes from telling her about my “laziness” so I can listen to her panic. (“Laziness” to her would be not packing for BlogHer until the night before I left. I could have packed earlier, but it was way more fun to put off to the last minute and watch her freak about it.)
First of all, the comment about the daytimers is priceless. PRICELESS!
From the time I wake up until about 9 or 9:30 at night, I’m off & running. Work, straight to gym for a few hours, home for dinner. And then by the time I finish dinner, it’s time to go to bed. When the weekend comes, that’s the time to do housework and yardwork and all the other things I couldn’t do during the week. Sometimes it feels like I’m running constantly. Or when I think I’m finally finished and collapse on the couch, I’ll think of something else that needs done & OMG I have to do it now, right now, or I’ll never be able to relax. If I’m not doing something, I feel like the manic energy will just build up in my body until I explode. Then there are other times when my body tells me I’m done. I need to just do something for me. Relax. Take a load off.
Have you ever tried knitting? I love it. It’s calm & relaxing, yet at the same time, your are actually working on accomplishing something. It focuses my energy because I’m working toward a goal & I can see me progress. I knit gifts for people, which is a win/win for me. I find knitting relaxing & at the same time finding a gift for that person is something I can cross off my to do list.
Keep being passionate you. The article you blogged on chocolate has caught my attention. Thanks Kristin.
I’m a student so most of my time is spent studying but I have been in a very demanding graduate program for the past 2 almost 2.5 years with graduation still solidly stuck in 2013. Due to 6 years of chronic performance stress and anxiety I have mutated into a weird unable to relax/I am doing to do something I want to do morass. I can’t just sit down and watch tv, if I pick up a book for fun I feel crushing guilt because if I have time to read a fun book wouldn’t my time be better spent reading a textbook? However, sometime in the past 4 months I hit my breaking point and due to sheer frustration I’ve started trying to actually enjoy an hour or two of my day. So I plan a TV break at the end of the day but I don’t just sit there. I watch a show WHILE studying which means I not only don’t relax but I don’t get much out of my time spent studying either. If I do take time away from school it is something like practicing my flute which I justify as it helps develop the other side of my brain and music aids in memory retention. I think it has been years since I’ve had a genuinely good conversation with anyone. Maybe in 2013.
I still use a daytimer. I know, I know. I use the one that has the month all spread out so that I can see everything at a glance. The iPhone screen is just so tiny.
And now I feel seriously old.
I always bought a daytimer and wrote in it once and never looked at it again.
I am the opposite of Type A. Don’t get me wrong, I am a total stress ball and pretty anxious about things I should be doing. Instead of doing them, though, I lay down and watch TV and pretend they don’t exist. Not super effective
xo
Was it a Franklin planner, by any chance? (Or is daytimer the brand name?) I remember my mom getting Franklin planners as a corporate gift. It seems like such an odd sort of gift, in retrospect. Anyhow….
My husband and I are the opposite of Val and her husband, in that I’m the type A, and he’s the type B. However, as we’ve lived together for almost ten years now, our personalities have begun to rub off on one another. He’s more proactive about doing things (like chores) in a timely manner, and I’m better about relaxing. I credit this to him. If left to my own devices, I would be much more type A, and sometimes, I have to fight with myself to relax. (And I always feel guilty about napping in the middle of the day. Damn Protestant work ethic!)
I could have written this post myself! Its almost like I don’t know how to relax and the very idea of it makes me nervous.
I think I spent a grand total of 3 hours in the last 3 months “relaxing”. If I’m not doing something, I’m reading or making or planning. If only I could make it that I’m doing what I’m *supposed* to be doing and not something else. Sigh.
I am you and you are me and together we are one. But in a totally nonsexual way.
Oh man. I actually also use a paper planner because I have, have, HAVE TO write things down. Several times. So actually, I have my list that I write – just random things that I need to do, then I make a list of what needs to be done on what day, and then I can copy it over into my planner. And if I do something *NOT* on the list, I add it to the list so I can cross it off. Affirmation? Yeah, I totally get that.
I actually drink just so I can shut my mind off and not worry about everything. To just turn off the noise. Which is terrible, so I’m working on it.
The best I have done as far as giving myself time and space is make sure that I am here for my kids in the morning (instead of behind the computer), and after school when my son comes home. Also on the weekends I do house stuff and just hang. But I’ve also started scheduling in some craft projects. Oy.
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