Seven years. For seven years we were BFFs, or so I thought.
We met at work, which seemed okay since we weren’t dating. We became fast happy hour pals, shopping buddies, and gossip mongers. That last part should have been a red flag, but I ignored it because we had so much fun together.
I ignored her constant trash-talking of others. For years, I let it go that she would get mad at me. I didn’t bat an eyelash when she wouldn’t communicate with me. It was just how things were between us. Then, when she deemed herself ready, she picked up our friendship as though nothing had happened.
We never resolved any issues of the moment, because she was never willing to talk about it. I understood her issues with communication. Her issues with communication had once been my issues as well, so I allowed her hot and cold behavior to slide. Plus, we had to work together, and I knew addressing it would cause things to get ugly real fast.
She was my go-to fun pal, and though we had a lot of heart-felt and deep conversations, I have to admit, I was always a little wary. I knew that if she were trash-talking everyone else, she was most likely trash-talking me. Sometimes I felt close enough to tell her things, and I always regretted it. She could never keep anything to herself.
I so badly wanted her to be the person I knew she could be, and I overlooked a lot of negative behavior and actions on her part. I loved her, because isn’t that what real friends do?
Turns out, you can’t be real friends with someone who doesn’t know how.
She moved away a few months ago. When she came back to town for a visit, I was surprised and deeply hurt that she chose to spend her entire visit with a group of girls I thought she didn’t even like. Her last day in town, she tossed me a text and told me where they were going for dinner that night, that I could come if I wanted to. I didn’t respond.
She had said so many nasty things about those girls that I was not comfortable around them, both because of what I’d heard about them and because of what I’d assumed they’d heard about me.
I haven’t spoken to her since.
I’ve noticed she’s deleted me on Facebook. She didn’t delete my husband or anyone else from my circle of friends, just me.
I debated with myself for months. Should I write to her and tell her how her actions have hurt me? I’ve purchased three cards and composed countless letters in my head, but I’ve never sent them.
The truth is, I know her, and I know she blames the entire situation on me. While it is true I could have communicated with her, could have made an effort to see her that weekend she was in town, the truth is… I was done being the one who always had to make the effort.
Relationships cannot be one-sided, not forever.
I view this as a lesson learned. In my 20′s, I learned not to date guys who were toxic. In my 30′s, I’ve learned not to keep friends who were toxic.
I am going to let it go, because I think the relationship has run its course. I am grateful that she was in my life, since we had some great times together. I’ve learned a lot about the kind of friends I want to have. More importantly, I learned a lot about the kind of friend I want to be. I did not set up the correct boundaries from the get-go, thus our relationship did not bring out the best in me. We were connected by light, fluffy things like shopping and drinking, but we were also connected by gossiping and talking badly about others. That is not the kind of person I want to be, but that part of me came out when I was around her. It wasn’t her fault, it was mine. I allowed it.
I have since realized that it’s up to me to set those parameters in any relationship I enter, because the kind of person I am, the kind of friend I am, ultimately depends on me.
This resonates with me so much. I too learned the same lessons and unfortunately now in my 40′s I’ve had to let go of family that is toxic. I think it always stings, but ultimately you need to do what is best for you. My mom used to say when it came to boys, and then later men, ” there are too many fish in the sea to be concentrating on one.” I think it is the same with friends. There are so many more people waiting for you, the one you let go of will be replaced by another who is worthy of you and your friendship. Have a great day.
It can be hard to let these friendships go. For me it took my “friend’s” constant poor behavior, general shitty attitude, and a specific night of showing her true colors to let it go. It complicates things further when other friends don’t seem to see or experience the same things you did and remain friends with the person.
But life has too much ick in it already to have friends that are toxic and contribute to it.
I dropped the girl who could be called my best friend because she was toxic. How toxic? She told me she wouldn’t even come to my wedding, much less be in it, if I had it in the church and didn’t serve alcohol. She also wanted me to get back with my abusive ex-husband and approve of anyone I was dating. Yeah, we “broke up” real quick. I’m too old to have shitty, negative friends. I don’t miss her in the least, I’m so much happier now.
I’ve had a couple friend breakups and it sucks, even if it’s the best thing for both people.
My best friend of the last 10 years (i.e. most of my adult life) and I continue to drift as we change & grow in different directions. Most of the time this is ok but there are certain things that continue to cause drama. Now that I think about it, it is always her getting mad at me for my beliefs. We continue to try to avoid those topics but I fear that one day she will decide she can’t be friends with me any more. I actually kind of anticipate that as it’s pretty common for her to do with others.
Damn it.
My emotional health is too fragile to deal with toxic people, so friend or family, if they bring me down they have to go. It’s difficult, but it’s not as difficult as dealing with the shit they shoveled. I try to always keep the door open if things should change, but I am in my 40s and I have yet to see any of the people I am estranged with change, except for the worse.
I had a toxic best friend. Only I had no idea how toxic and manipulating until I found out she was sleeping with my husband for almost a year. In the end, it was a good thing, as she took a toxic marriage off my hands. Live and learn! And be careful who you trust. I’ll stick with my childhood friends I’ve know for over 30 years, they’ve never let me down.
A year after a friend dropped me, I’m still wondering what I did wrong. She was the first person to ever drop me as a friend. I stayed friendly with the other girls that were friends with her, but since they were her friends first, we eventually drifted as well. I realize that since she is the first person to ever end a friendship with me, I can’t be that awful of a friend, but she really made me feel like I was a terrible, horrible person. I certainly made some mistakes in our friendship, but she would do the same things to me that you described above, such as getting mad about something I didn’t realize that I did and then just getting “cold” for a few weeks. I was getting tired of always being on eggshells with her, so I was pushing away. Then another friend started gossiping and told her that I was the one who was spreading rumors (which wasn’t true) and she got angry, got cold for a few weeks, then finally pulled me aside one day (2 days after we moved to a new house) and told me that she didn’t want to be my friend anymore because she didn’t need people like me in her life. I was floored, since I had been feeling awful about our friendship for months and months and wondering if the good things she did outweighed how awful she made me feel all the time. Then here she was telling me that I am a gossip, based on the word of one other friend. She didn’t even let me defend myself, but I wouldn’t have tried at that point anyhow since I knew she wouldn’t listen to me. I am still friends with people from elementary school and she is seriously the first person ever to tell me that I’m a horrible friend. Needless to say, she has done this to many friends in the past.
I guess my point here is that while you don’t need toxic people in your life, and you definitely shouldn’t remain friends with people who make you feel bad, you also should watch how you treat your friends. It works both ways. I realize now that we were both to blame and were obviously just not meant to be friends.
I totally hear you. I’ve been in a somewhat similar situation, and it’s not fun at all. But the key thing is, like you said, if someone is gossiping WITH you, they are most likely also gossiping ABOUT you.
Wow. It’s like you crawled inside my brain and said a lot of the things I’ve been too scared to say.
This post could not have come at a better time for me. I have been struggling with the termination a friendship from a couple of years ago..and am now dealing with the fact that she’s trying to reignite our friendship..when I really don’t know if that’s wise or if that’s what I want or how it will work. I know that I need to stand up for myself and not be taken advantage of or manipulated anymore…set boundaries..but don’t know if I’m in the right place to try and be friends with her again..or if it’s even possible..if she’s changed and if I’ve changed enough. When things started going downhill it was because I started setting boundaries and refused to give in to her every whim..so I don’t know how she will feel if I haven’t gone back to my ‘old ways’..the way she remembers our friendship being good…for her.
It was one of the hardest ‘breakups’ I’ve ever been through, and caused me a lot of pain…I’m still constantly rethinking my actions and feelings towards the situation years later..
Thanks for posting this. It’s been a few years since I was SO angry with her and her behaviour…so my rose coloured glasses have made me forget some of the things she did, some of the reasons why I had to call it quits. You’ve clarified a few things, reminded me of others…and gave me some more things to think about.
I’m meeting with her this weekend to talk…despite a lot of people telling me they don’t think it’s healthy for me…but I think that we both either need to be able to work things out…and/or have some closure…and this post has reminded me to remember to keep trying to be the person I decided I wanted to be when things started falling apart with our friendship, whether she’s in my life or not.
I moved away from my best friend last summer, both of us promising to maintain that friendship. I kept in contact with her, until I realized that I was the only one trying. I just stopped talking to her one day and haven’t heard back since. I’m just now realizing that it was not my fault, that i did all i could. Being the one who cares too much in a relationship sucks so much.
I was bffs with a girl in college. One of our favorite past times was to sit around and rip on other people. We thought we were very cynical, world-weary, and just so well-educated. (Side note: I’m not an intellectual snob anymore. In fact, I’m not much of a snob, period. I moved beyond that when I grew up, and I don’t have patience for it anymore.) But in the later years, we’ve drifted and I have since discovered that she told many, many lies. About me (to other friends, to my boyfriend at the time), about other people, etc. Another friend and I had a lovely conversation one night that lasted close to three hours, unravelling the lies we’d each heard.
I have fazed out a few “friends” after I got sick of lies and broken promises and decided I didn’t need the drama in my life anymore. Unfortunately, some of these friends are cousins of mine, so they will never entirely be out of my life.
Wow! I can totally relate!! I had a friend that nobody else could really stand. They made their own judgements of her based on how she acted in public–she was basically an attention whore!! I tried to be her friend still but it became increasingly hard to do. It seemed like all she cared about were appearances–how big her house was, how big her boobs were, how many cheap clothes and shoes she had, etc. She flirted with every guy in site even though she was married and I was single. It was pathetic how she needed attention that bad!! She flat out said she wasn’t attracted to her husband but still married him-!! I had a really hard time with that because he is a really nice guy and doesn’t deserve that! I actually feel sorry for her and am so much better off to not have her in my life anymore!!!!
I had a friend very similar to your friend. We met in middle school and were fast friends. He and I shared so many laughs and great times but when it came down to it he was a very shady person. He hurt me countless times and I would forgive him. I honestly thought he was a good person and didnt listen to the many who warned me otherwise. One day I was on my way to take blame for our latest fight, I had car accident and he drove by, looked and didn’t stop…. I knew it was the end of our friendship. You must be a messed up friend to leave your “best friend” crying on the side of the road. I knew I could never forgive that and why should I? I miss the laughs and the good times but I don’t miss him. I do wish him well in the end.
just this tuesday my 12 friendship with my bff ended. she had always been there for me and i her, till about 6mths ago at her wedding. since then she’s been really distant and cold and just not there, even when i called her to see how she was doing due to a ton of family issues i knew was going on. i had sent her a text saying how hurt i was by her lack of return of friendship and then nothing from her for two days till she posted stupid comments on Facebook knowing I would see. I’m sorry…..I thought we were 30 and not in high school anymore. I tried to call her to talk things out when she started screaming at me about events that supposedly happened 6mths ago at her wedding that she never had the guts to talk about. Well….needless to say…it’s over. I can’t can’t be with someone whose not willing to put time and effort into a friendship anymore. It sucks and it hurts, but already I’m feeling much better for it. What makes me laugh tho is that even tho she defriended me on FB, she’s still friends with my hubby….and when she posted about the incident all the nasty comments her friends were saying about me that didn’t even know me. My friends, nothing but compassion and kindness asking if I was ok. So, it’s better she’s no longer a part of my life. I’m sorry you all had to go through toxic friends, but I really feel it makes us better friends to those we still have in our lives.
I just broke up with my best friend of 10 years as well. I’m sad, but I’m relieved.
I don’t do toxic.
I’ve had that friend as well and I was surprised that I felt relief when it ended. I was tired of being the giver, the listener, the saviour.
I had a “work best friend” who dropped me when I became pregnant with my son 8 years ago. She had just gotten married, was mid-30′s (I was late 20′s), and had recently had surgery for a ovarian cyst. Internally, she was very worried about her own fertility, though it isn’t something she talked about much. I can remember telling her, over the phone while I was away on a business trip, that I had gone off the pill and we were just gonna see what happened. I could tell something was up when I returned to work and she was so cold to me. She finally told me that she felt I was being a copy-cat of her since she had been talking about trying to get pregnant, too – despite the fact that we were in a group of 3-4 girls at work all in a similar frame of mind and trying to decide about trying for babies. The crazy thing is that I actually went home, cried to my husband about it, and then decided we just wouldn’t try for a while. It seems crazy now that I think back on it. Anyway – turns out I was already pregnant. Another friend did the deed of telling her for me (we decided that was best). She completely cut me off – just would not speak to me. It was so awkward because we had been such good buddies in the office – always visiting and giggling and real friendship. It took away some of the joy that I should have had during that time. So, people in the office would be congratulating me and talking to me about the pregnancy and felt like it was a bit of a black cloud hanging over me, especially if she was around. I didn’t tell anyone because it was so embarrassing — a part of me still wasn’t sure if maybe I really had done something wrong and should have been more aware and know that I shouldn’t try to get pregnant because she might want to, too. Ughhh! Anyway, when I was off on maternity leave I heard that SHE was pregnant. Her son is a few months younger than mine. She has since apologized, saying that she let her emotions take over and she wasn’t right to take it out on me. But, of course, the friendship is not the same. I left the job soon after my son was born, so I don’t know how it would be if I was still there. Anyway — my point of all this is that IT DOES REALLY HURT to break up with a friend.
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