Play Dates. Just the idea of them makes me queasy. Not necessarily because of the actual play date—although I’m sure at times they have the same effect—but because I am absolutely horrific at creating play date opportunities.
That’s right, I don’t know how to make play dates for my kids.
My first born son is almost five years old and has only had a handful of play dates that were not with family or the children of really close friends of mine.
Even those aren’t often enough.
Now, I know that there are parents in the Northwest Ohio area that have children around five years of age. And I’m sure that some of those people are probably quite lovely, they might even be the type of people I would enjoy spending a couple of hours with while our kids played together.
I just don’t know these people personally.
Well… that’s not entirely true. Our neighbor is one of those people. She and her husband are very nice and two of their four children are right around my oldest son’s age. Our kids do play together and when they do they always have fun. They are ideal play date companions. And yet, the boys have only played together a couple of times this winter.
I feel like that is primarily my fault. Calling to ask if my kid can play with her kids feels so awkward to me. I’m not comfortable just sending him over to her house alone to knock on the door and the “pop-in” visit is something that I have struggled with doing for years.
How ridiculous is that? When I was young that was exactly how things were done. If I wanted to play with one of the neighborhood kids I walked to their house and knocked on the door. The cul-de-sac I lived in was full of kids my age and there seemed to always be somebody with which I could play. I don’t remember my mom having to set up play dates for me.
These days, I feel like I’m letting my son down by not having many friends with kids his age that he can play with. I feel that my asinine fear of the phone and making small talk is keeping him from days spent playing with other children.
So, how do I go about changing this?
Are there support groups out there for making play dates? Are these women at the park with their lattes and jogging strollers meeting life long friends who all happened to give birth around the same time? Will this get easier once my son starts kindergarten?
Holly teaches design at a small NW Ohio college. She spends her days off hanging out with her foxy musician husband and their gorgeous new baby and ridiculously smart pre-school aged son. Holly has a passion for food, photography, beautiful letter forms, and the possibilities that can be found in a single sheet of well made paper. You can read more from Holly on her blog, Artist Mother Teacher.
THIS is exactly my problem! When you figure it out, do let us know the solution!
Once he’s in school, it’ll be so much easier! He’ll make his own friends and will let you know who he wants to have play dates with. Birthday parties will help you ID the most suitable combo of child/parent you want to hang with… ( I’m only half kidding here!)
I freaked out about this last year. So I joined a local and very large playgroup and threw my daughter into a mix of other kids.
Here’s the problem though.
When it’s kids initiating the play and friendship they are given the chance to set up their own forms of hierarchy and government. (I’m bring serious.) But when adults step in yo do this for them, we impose our own ideas of whom they should or shouldn’t be playing with, often making choices they themselves wouldn’t make. Couple that with the forms of hierarchy we set up amongst us adults (and specifically women), you’ve got a toxic mix.
I think playgroups work for some people. It is possible to find a perfect match, just as online dating an work for some couples. But more often than not playgroups leave moms and their kids feeling left out and overwhelmed.
I homeschool our daughter, and I was homeschooled. A current trend in my generation and those following is this issue of “same peer bonding”. The same peer bonding concept inhibits children from being able to see beyond the importance of having an “acceptable” social life, and creates a lifetime of concern over what peers think. We do this with playgroups. We worry they won’t have friends and somehow this will warp them and ruin them and this simply isn’t true. We preach to our kids that they should resist peer pressure and think for themselves, but we force them into social situations for fear they’ll turn out “different” if we don’t? It’s all very counterintuitive.
If your kids are happy with their level of peer contact, whether you think it’s enough or not doesn’t really matter. Let them choose their friends. And don’t worry that they won’t be normal if they don’t have an active social life. There’s plenty of time for them to feel overwhelmed and constantly be busy.
“If your kids are happy with their level of peer contact, whether you think it’s enough or not doesn’t really matter. Let them choose their friends. And don’t worry that they won’t be normal if they don’t have an active social life. There’s plenty of time for them to feel overwhelmed and constantly be busy.”
Hear, hear!
Same with stuff like summer camps, lessons, etc. Not saying there is no room for any of that, but a kid who doesn’t have every minute of every day planned with an activity is going to make it out of childhood just fine. In my opinion.
When my oldest son was born, I was 18 and needless to say, I didn’t have friends with kids, and am just now getting to the point were my peers are beginning families. He is going to turn 8 on Monday, and I don’t think he has ever had a prearranged play date. He plays with his cousins, his 4 year old brother, on a soccer team, etc. He seems just fine, and I am sure your son is too, don’t be so hard on yourself. That said, have you looked in your area for a local MOPS group, or a group of local moms of facebook? Both could be great resources for finding pre-organized groups that you could join that would provide both a play date for your son and some mommy friends for you.
Have you considered a drop in day care option? My kids are quite a bit older, but as a SAHM for a time before my son was in school, I found that the drop in day care was a terrific solution for me! It gave my son the ability to learn socialization, play with age appropriate friends, and even do crafts. An hour or so a couple of times a week was great! It also gave me an opportunity for a little me time.
I used to freak out about this too but school really helped. Once the kids got into school, their made friends and then asked to have those friends over to our house. I got to know the parents so asking them awesome as awkward.
It’s like this was written just for me! I suck at making friends for myself since I’ve moved out of my hometown, and therefor I SUPER suck at making friends for my kids too. To compensate I just take them to the park A LOT so they can play with some kids there and enrolled my oldest in t-ball so she can make some friends on her team. She starts school this fall and I want her to feel comfortable in making friends before she starts school.
I feel the same. Our property is very isolated so there’s not going to be a neighborhood gang for our kiddo to find. This is so complicated!!!!
If my guy was older our kids could have playmates and we could talk design… maybe we’ll try my new one and huggy baby though in a few years? lol… i think this is also one of those things where it seems like everyone else already knows everyone else (goes way back, etc) and a new person jumping in is the odd one out when really the other parents could have met only 2 days ago.
And don’t get me started about competitive parents at toddler activities (i.e. the soccer dad whose 2 1/2 year old was in cleats, pads and had her own ball… who also mentioned conditioning after practice… whilst my kid was busy with a tantrum and picking up all the boundary cones (while they were being used).
ok this post has no point anymore. but i hear you. there are a lot of design mommies out there with younger kids these days with several more on the way. maybe we should try to do something with that?
Oh my, I HATE the thought of playdates. They kind of make me want to vomit….for the same reasons you said. My parents never made playdates for me either. Daycares are great because kids get to make their own friends without the intervention of parents monitoring them – instead, a third party does it. As well, school will make it a lot easier. What about a local library, community drop in center, or summer camp for children? Despite the suggestions, if your son is happy and plays well with others when he is with other children, then you don’t need to fret. He’ll be just fine! And as for sending kids over to knock on the door? I understand your reluctance, but I can’t wait for the day when another little kid comes to my house to ask if my son or daughter can come out to play!
I don’t have kids but I think school would make it a lot easier. When he comes home and asks if one of the kids from school can come over all you have to do is figure out how to get in touch with his parents and and voila! Play group and you dont have to do anything about it
I just started a “play date” group actually. I emailed moms on FB, some of which I’ve hung out with, some i had’nt seen in years, and some I never hung out with. The kids ages ranged from 4mo – 6yrs old. First, I began with a wine night for the moms to get to know each other. I supplied wine and food and let the rest happen naturally. It was a GREAT time. Then I set up a play date at the park and the kids had a great time. The moms did not wield lattes….instead it was diaper bags, snacks, drinks, and wipes. it was a great time for everyone and cant wait to do it again…the wine night and “play date.” I feel like I started something I will continue for a long time to come.
The key is to have an open mind and no preconceived notions. Its not hard and doesn’t have to be awkward. Make it what you want. You just have to be willing to put yourself out there. You may be pleasantly surprised.
Obviously, alot of moms share your angst. Starting school will be THE perfect opportunity for your little guy to connect and, you too. It’s really funny, my kids became friends with children in kindergarten and I became friends with their moms AND I remained friends with their moms, long after our kids had gotten older and branched out in different directions.
You know where I live and even tho’ my kids are fully grown, they never had “play dates” and they turned out just fine. I didn’t even have a neighbor kid for them to play with. Relax. Your son has his entire life ahead of him. Who’s to say, playing by yourself is not a healthy choice. It spurs the imagination when you need to be your own best friend. Your son will be just fine. Love you.
Comments on this entry are closed.