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I feel sad that he didn’t bother to do anything special for me for Valentine’s Day.
I feel mad that he didn’t listen to me last week when I said I liked holidays like Valentine’s Day and that even though he didn’t like little surprises, I did. That he didn’t listen to me three days ago when I said I liked to make days like Valentine’s Day special to break up the monotony of everyday life.
I’m disappointed that he considers me choosing dinner, paying for dinner, picking up dinner and following the re-heat instructions that go with dinner, counting as “doing something” for Valentine’s Day.
I’m resentful that I ended up spending Valentine’s Day pouting because my boyfriend didn’t bother to put any effort in. He does so many caring, helpful, amazing things everyday and I never question his love for me, but on days like Valentine’s Day or my Birthday, I’d like a little something extra special.
I’m guilt-ridden because when I spoke up about why I was pouting, I upset him. I made him think he was a bad boyfriend (he’s really not). I made him feel like a failure, like I think he doesn’t care about me. Like he ruined Valentine’s Day.
And now, the morning after, I’m conflicted and still upset. Upset because I couldn’t just be sad, mad and disappointed. I couldn’t just feel what I wanted to feel because it affects the way he feels. And the last thing I want to do is make him feel bad.
How do I own my feelings without ending up feeling like a jerk for upsetting someone else? I used to think it was okay to feel what I wanted to feel regardless of how it affected others – it was their job to own their feelings and my job to own mine, but that was before I fell in love. Now, I just can’t figure out what’s more important, my feelings or his. I can’t seem to find the right balance.
See, feelings are HARD.