Two years ago, my husband’s ex girlfriend, whom he had dumped years before, reached out to him on Facebook. She sent him a friend request, which he had declined (on 3 different occasions!). Frustrated, she sent him a message saying she didn’t understand why he was ignoring her. They hadn’t seen each other in 9 years at that point.
Last year, my cousin too was contacted by an ex-girlfriend (whom he dumped as well) on Facebook. He on the other hand replied to her and they had some back and forth email conversations. He was in a serious relationship and his ex-girlfriend’s intentions were not simply friendly.
Which brings me to my story…
I was dumped by my first love 11 years ago. For years, I had been googling his name trying to figure out how his life had turned out. He was never big on computers and didn’t have a Facebook profile (I checked) so he had no social media imprint. He was virtually untraceable… that is until I found him on Facebook last month (he had opened an account the month prior). I hesitated when I saw his name pop up for the first time after a decade. I asked myself if I should send him a message… would that be stalker-like? Before I could think, I sent him a quick message and hit send. He replied and we caught up a bit. He too was married, had kids. But that was it.. and he proceeded to ignore my friend request. I felt like I was being dumped by him all over again.
So let me ask: Why is it that we feel the need to contact our ex’s on Facebook?
1. We want to see that their lives turned out horribly: Yes, I wont lie. I want to know that my ex’s life didn’t turn out as well as it could have. I mean, after all, he dumped me and I rock- so in turn he should suffer. A part of me wanted to know that he never lived up to his potential.
2. We want them to see that our lives are amazing: So true. Personally, I know I look better today than I did at 19. Also I am a strong, independent, successful woman (something I was not at 19). I wanted him to see that after all, I am this amazing catch that he missed out on. In Yo Face Sucka!
3. Closure: In these specific cases, us women were dumped by men that we loved. In my case,we didn’t even have the break up talk- he just disappeared. Often times, by reconnecting you feel a sense of validation, like what you had may have meant something to the opposite side as well.
Listen ladies- at the end of the day we know that our lives are better off without the men that dumped us… But spill it- have you ever Facebook stalked your Ex?
Is there any other reason to join Facebook?
None that I can think of!
Guilty.
It backfired though. He found out where I worked and started to call me to ask me to lunch (we are both married). Finally I had to put my foot down and be very firm. He finally backed off and even deleted his account. All because I looked him up and said congrats on the marriage and kiddo.
Never again!
I’m FB friends with an ex – I think I even sent the initial friend request when I first joined FB. He accepted and we chatted a bit to catch up. He was my first really serious relationship and we were together for 2 years; however, our relationship didn’t end badly, we just sort of fizzled, so there aren’t any lingering issues. We are both married with kids and enjoy seeing what the other is up to. This is a very low-drama situation though…I’m not sure I’d be comfortable if it were a different type of situation.
If cyber-stalking was an Olympic sport, I could win a gold medal. Not in a creepy way, but in a, “OMG, you’ll never believe what I just found” kind of way. The thing about it, though, is that I’ve never found anything about an ex that made me feel any better about anything. I’ve found plenty of the opposite though… I should write a book!
I’ve chatted with numerous exes on FB. In fact, I’m still friends with most of them, in real life. However, it delights me that: 1. They’re way more unattractive now, than when I was with them 2. I’ve still got it, even after 4 kids and 3.) My husband is waaay hot. Pathetic? Absolutely. Shallow? Yep. But Suckers, that’s what you get for dumping me.
I love this comment!
I totally stalk my ex on FB and have started to email him several times and always delete it before hitting send. We aren’t “friends” on FB but his profile is completely public while mine is not. My reasons for stalking are totally in line with points #1 and #2 above. He’s totally missing out on what an awesome wife and mother I am…and I am a horrible person and took a little pleasure in knowing his marriage to the woman he was cheating on me with ended in divorce. I’m going to hell. I know this.
Honey- if you are going to hell, then we all are!
Seriously, Tarah/Maya, I feel like I was reading my own comment. When I found out a few months ago that one ex was getting a divorce, I felt really bad for him. But a week later, when I told my best friend over dinner how I found out about his divorce, I starting smirking as I told the story. And my immediate comment on finishing the story to her was, “Oh God, I’m going to hell!”
It’s as though this article was written especially for me today…
My high school boyfriend and first love committed suicide on Saturday night. How do I know this? Facebook.
Our love was a passionate one, for good and for bad. We were madly in love and our break up was not easy for either of us. His poor soul was tortured by so many demons, even at such a young age, and it was simply too much for my teenage self to be his savior. He constantly tried to keep contact…showing up at my job, calling late at night and I let him back in a little each and every time. Until I met my husband. With a new and stable love solidly in place, I broke the ties to my first love. For years. Until social media. I ignored at least 3 friend requests from him over the years because I just couldn’t let him back in, even a little, for fear of him showing up on my doorstep. I had moved on but never stopped thinking about him. His profile was public and I would check, sometimes daily, to see if he had finally found peace and happiness. It seemed as though he had. I was clearly wrong and can’t help but wonder if he knew I cared…
Ok, catharsis…Thanks for playing.
I am so sorry!!! Sometimes Facebook really does help us get over former loves.
I’m friends with my “high school sweetheart,” if you can call him that. He’s a cop now, and he was a genuinely nice guy. We just didn’t belong together. I don’t care if he’s happy; that’s fine.
I have an ex who went into the Navy and immediately got sent to Guantanamo as a guard and LITERALLY got s*** thrown at him by prisoners on a daily basis. Watching his life suck makes me happy.
Then there’s the one who used to hit me. And let me tell you, I LOVE watching him go bald at 25, and I LOVE the fact that his formerly super hot wife is TOTALLY letting herself go in every way. He’s not on much or I’d know more, but even knowing that helps.
I love Facebook stalking.
All the guys that I have dated have pretty much let themselves go- I’m glad to say that I am the opposite! In Yo face sucka!
I am Facebook friends with all of my ex-boyfriends that have Facebook accounts. We all are married with children or in serious relationships. In fact I actually have cookouts and all of them are invited and most show up and on occasion we will all meet up at a local bar. I never really understood why people think males and females cannot be friends. To answer the question: Why is it that we feel the need to contact our ex’s on Facebook? I felt the need because everyone of my boyfriends was my friend before we attempted dating and obviously things didn’t work out and we broke up and were still friends after. Ask my husband now…..we were friends for 3 years before I gave him a chance =)
Also guilty! I’m friends with a few exes on FB, but we never “chat.” My serious high school boyfriend and I found one another, chatted to catch up, and my husband was aware of it. I basically wanted to make sure he was doing okay. He contacted me first, and, when I told him I was happily married with a couple kids, I didn’t hear from him again. A few years later, I reached out to him and that’s when we renewed a friendship. Always kept it online, never talking on the phone or meeting in person. I think for some people, especially was we age, it’s the curiosity of reconnecting with someone who had been a big part of your early life.
It can get really sticky when one side wants to reach out for the wrong reasons.
Yep…and hopefully those who have matured realize that. It was nice talking to the guy but I quickly realized that he really hadn’t changed that much. Plus, I let my husband in on it so he was aware I had talked to the guy with only the intent of catching up. He talked to an ex too; actually, she keeps contacting him, wanting him to “friend” her and he refuses.
I am FB friends with one ex because by 2005, we were already on normal speaking terms, so it was a non-issue. Another ex, I only looked at his FB page once, years ago, when I heard he was engaged to see a picture of his fiancee (she was very pretty, and good for him). The last (and my biggest love pre-meeting my husband), he has no social media imprint either. He actually reached out to me in January via my blog, however, and we’ve exchanged emails about once a month ever since. And I think you hit the nail on the head — for that last ex, it was all about closure/validation of feelings. I was his friend for years before I dated him, and there was a lot of bitterness when it ended, but our emails reminded me of that friendship that once existed. It’s nice not to feel bitterness when I hear his name anymore.
I agree 100% – it is nice to not feel bitter after all these years
I am not friends with any of my exes on facebook, mainly because I don’t really have anything to say to them. I have looked up a couple, out of curiosity, but I have not contacted them. My husband doesn’t have a facebook profile – he uses mine – but I know he looked up his first love to see if she had a profile, too. (To be honest, I was curious to see her, and was a little bummed that she wasn’t on there.) I think it is natural to wonder how they’re doing.
I have completely blocked an ex, though. My husband also asked if I would block an ex of his, who is friends with some mutual friends, and whom he wants to avoid for the rest of his life. So I have two people blocked – they can’t find me, or even see my profile, nor I theirs (which is strange when we’ve both commented on a mutual friend’s post, and there are gaps in the conversation).
I stayed on good terms with pretty much all my exes, so I’m friends with them on FB. There’s no ulterior motives to the friendships, and I am glad that they’re happy – life is too short for bitterness and resentment.
Come to think of it, though, there are one or two exes in my past who really screwed me over. I’m not on good terms with them, and cut them out of my life completely when we broke up. I wouldn’t mind a little gleeful gloating if they were miserable now
I have an ex who crushed me when he broke up with me. Seriously, it took years and my breaking up with every boyfriend who professed love to me to get over him. I’d wonder about him on occassion but I’m not sure if it’s because I wanted him to be miserable or living a good life.
Eighteen years have gone by and I’m happily married with two amazing kids. Last year I noticed that we had mutual high school friends on Facebook but haven’t contacted him. I’m not sure of my motivations and until I am I’ll do nothing.
Stalked, yes. Friend requested – no.
Although my very first ex friend requested me and I’ve accepted, although we never speak so he might be a delete soon.
Guilty. But his profile is private and I wouldn’t dare send him a request. I dumped him. He was a real jerk. But every now and then I can’t help but wonder what he’s up to.
How is this for weird? My friend (now ex) decided to make a play for my husband so we ended up having no contact with her. She bombarded him with calls and texts, crying, begging to see him and leaving nasty messages on my phone. New numbers sorted that.
It seemed to go quiet, but something odd happened. My father in law had passed away a few years ago and each year the family put a notice in the paper, only a small local circulation. The day it went in the paper, weeks after we split from the friend, the online version of the notice began to get loads of views. Each time we added a message it went crazy. We put simply “still miss you” and the views went into double figures each day. We checked round the family, it wasn’t them. The ex friend gets this paper and we have a bad feeling she thinks my husband is sending her ‘messages’ via the notice!! It fits with the sort of obsession she has. She was literally throwing herself at him, covering him with kisses, whilst I was standing near by! If he was walking holding my hand, she tried to stand between us. She was angry with me for ‘keeping them apart’. I’m glad we live a long distance from her, it was getting scary.
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