“No wonder we’re having issues communicating.”
After completing the 5 Love Languages questionnaire, we looked at one another and agreed: our differences about what “love” meant were making our marriage more difficult.
We all know that self-help and relationship books are a multi-billion dollar business. The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts
After being together for over 13 years, I thought I knew everything about my husband. I thought I knew what he liked, and I thought he knew what I liked. It was after we both took the Love Languages assessment (admittedly with some trepidation and eye-rolling from us both) that we learned we didn’t really know what made ourselves and one another feel loved.
No one was more shocked than we were to learn that we weren’t showing one another that we loved and cared about the other in the manner in which would be most effective.
The 5 Love Languages include the following expressions and explanations:
Words of Affirmation
Actions don’t always speak louder than words.
Quality Time
Being there for this type of person is critical.
Receiving Gifts
(T)he receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift.
Acts of Service
The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.”
Physical Touch
Physical presence and accessibility are crucial.
To give you an example of how far apart the two of us were in our understanding of what makes the other feel loved, we answered each of these items oppositely:
- I like to receive notes of affirmation from you.
- I like it when you hug me.
He likes notes, I like hugs.
- I really enjoy receiving gifts from you.
- I feel loved when you help me with my home projects.
He likes gifts, I like help.
- I need to be touched every day.
- I need your words of affirmation daily.
I like to be touched, he likes hearing I love him.
After completing the entire questionnaire, he scored a ZERO for Physical Touch and I score an ELEVEN. While he scored a six for Receiving of Gifts, I scored a two.
After being together for 13 years, you would have thought that by that point in our relationship, we’d have realized these things about one another. But without even knowing these particulars about ourselves and how we show our love, we didn’t know that the other one of us was even showing their love. I was showing my love for him in the ways that I wanted to be shown love and he was doing the same for himself. It just happened that we are complete opposites in what showing “love” means.
We didn’t love each other any less, we just didn’t show our love in ways that was effective to one another.
It’s been nearly four years since we read the 5 Love Languages book and completed the questionnaire, and while we haven’t completely changed how we show our love for one another, we do have a better understanding of what one another is expressing.
Angie Lynch is the founder and managing editor of the powerhouse women’s literary community, Smut Book Club. She is a Native Floridian without a tan, probably because she spends her days hard at work on the magical internet. For the past several years, Angie has worked way too hard at building clout as an influencer in food and margaritas as well as being a source for laughable pop culture commentary. You can read more from Angie on her blog, A Whole Lot of Nothing.
information, image credit The 5 Love Languages
I think this is incredibly important because we tend to give love the way we want to receive it. Without this understanding, it can be very frustrating to think that we’re always trying to show our love, but they don’t “accept it” because it’s not in their language.
In my family, we don’t talk about our feelings. Ever. But that’s the way I grew up, and I know that my parents show their love for me in other ways. My mom makes me favorite meal or my favorite dessert. Or if I said something in passing about needing this or that from the store, she shows up with it. My dad changes the oil in my car or gives my lawnmower a tune up to get ready for spring. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to hear I love you once in a while, but it does mean, that I know that’s what they’re saying every time they do something like that for me.
My husband’s big thing is being appreciated – he likes hearing “thank you”. In a former life, he had done some big project and his ex-wife was not being nice and he said “All I want is for you to say thank you”. And she said “I know what you want” and didn’t give it to him.
The lessons I took away from this story:
1. I say thank you when I know he wants to feel appreciated (for most everything he does, but when he starts needing appreciation for things like not dripping pee on the toilet seat, I’m out).
2. When I want to get across that I’m pissed about something or I’m just busting his balls, he gets “I know what you want”.
I read this book during a very (very) time in my marriage. While it did not save our marriage, it really gave me tools to reach my husband, and show him My love in concrete way that he would understand. Even now, when I don’t know what else to do, I reach for him, and touch him, and it helps.
When I started the book I thought I had no love language, and his were all 5. By the end, I realized what his main and 2 secondary ones were, and what mine was.
I recommend this book anytime I can.
btw – his is Physical Touch, with Quality Time and Acts of Service as secondaries. Mine is acts of service, when he does those things for me, it touches me deep inside, and I feel his love.
Hands down, best and most helpful Self Help Book I’ve ever read. (not that I’ve read a ton but still…)
This was actually something we read to get ready for marriage (after 12 years together you would think there wasn’t that much that we’d need to get ready for). I found that a lot of my knowledge was just put into better words. I also ran our daughter through the questions, with some of the wording changed, and discovered a very useful tool. Her language is a mixture of our languages. So if she is acting out, and at 12 that happens pretty regularly, I give her a hug until she hugs me back. This helps both of us right in the moment.
-My language is physical touch with an even side of the other 4
-His is quality time with a side of physical touch
-Her’s is physical touch with a side of quality time
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