Some Like It Curvy: Do Kids Ruin Your Sex Life?

by Meredith on February 15, 2013

in Sex & Relationships

Meredith,

I’m having crazy thoughts.  Not those thoughts that scream, “GO SEE A THERAPIST, NUT JOB!” but those thoughts that your closest friends put in your head…  

A little background:

Four of us had an appetizer girls’ night out on Monday night.  Two of these girls have hubbies and kids- the other two were my sister and me (sister is unmarried/unattached and I am newly married with no kids).  The two with families decide to tell my sister and me all about their kids.  I have no problem with their kids.  I love their kids.  I’m Auntie Car to these kids!  But, my girlfriends have lost their identities to their children (they have 3 kids between them, twin 2-year-olds and a 16-month-old).  The mom of the 16-month-old flat out told me that I will have no life or identity once I have kids.  She also informed me that I will no long want sex with my husband after I have kids.

My problem?  I have worked a lot on who I am right now.  I am an awesome English teacher in the heart of Pittsburgh.  I am an independent woman with THOUGHTS!  Lots of thoughts!!  I like to do things!  Things with friends!  You know what else I like?  Sex.  Sex with my husband.  We have sex twice a day…  at least 5 days a week!  I know we are abnormal, but that’s who we are together- abnormal.

The night of our girls’ night, I came home and cried to my husband that I don’t want to lose my identity.  I don’t want to not have sex with him.  I feel like I can ask you these questions because, seeing your Facebook posts and Twitter feed (obviously we are interweb bffs), you don’t seem to have lost who you are!  Am I being a crazy woman?  Does this really happen?!  AM I GOING TO NOT BE ME AFTER KIDS?!

I’ve been mulling this over for days…  Please tell me I’m not crazy.  I’m sure others have asked these questions…  I’m just not sure who to ask.  So, why not ask the woman who seems to be as “together” as a 30 something mom can be?

Sincerely,

Auntie Car

Do kids ruin your sex life? Yes.

do kids ruin your sex life

THE END.

Just kidding!

Okay, so last night was Valentine’s Day, and my husband bought me roses and vodka. For sure, this man was hoping to get a blowie sexy time. And then out of nowhere, our daughter vomited all over her bed, resulting in her coming into my bed where she ended up sleeping.

Sexy time was a no-go.

But this isn’t a regular incident (unless you have a sickly child – which no one ever plans for that). It was just a fluke that it happened to be on a day that we were planning on having more than pull-your-panties-to-the-side sex. To tell you the truth, I was so worried about my daughter, that I didn’t even think about the fact that we weren’t going to have sex anymore.

Your girlfriends are telling you the truth. It is very, very easy to lose yourself and get wrapped up in the lives of your children. As a matter of fact, Shaun and I went through this. We just totally forgot to have sex. Well, I forgot. He chased me around with a boner, complaining about how we never had sex anymore.

Sex begets sex. The more you have it, the more you… well… have it! And I imagine that’s why the two of you are humping like rabbits. Twice a day?! Go you! And also, the thought of twice a day, makes my vagina hurt a little bit.

Shaun and I put ourselves on a Saturday night schedule. Come Hell or high water, on Saturday nights, we were having sex. And pretty soon, we were having sex twice a week. Sex twice a week, when you have three children, is pretty good in my opinion. So maybe your girlfriends could try to schedule sex. Most things, once you have children, takes a small amount of planning.

Do I still think you’ll have sex twice a day? Heck no!

do kids ruin your sex life...

Having a child means you have someone in your life that requires you to be there for them. A baby cannot fight its way out of a wet paper bag. You have to do everything for that baby. You feed it with your husband’s fun bags boobs. It arrives out of your love hole vagina, thus somewhat changing the sexy perception of your lady parts. But once you get through the baby phase and into toddler years, you will begin to really reconnect with your husband. At least, that’s been our experience. BECAUSE OMG I NEED SOME ADULT CONVERSATION!

We hire a babysitter and go on dates. We each have our lives separate from each other, and we go out with our friends. And we still make sure we have sex on Saturday nights after the kids go to sleep.

Also, I do not think any woman is really ever “ready” to have children. I sure wasn’t. I had no clue what being a mother would be like. It’s work. Lots of work. I was exhausted, and sometimes mostly I looked and felt like shit, and for two years I walked around asking everyone if they could smell poop (because the smell of baby poop was ingrained in my brain).

I am not telling you this to freak you out. I am telling you this so you know.

But you’ll get through that stage. I did. And then you look at yourself, and you say, “What the hell happened to me?! I used to be sexy! And I used to enjoy myself in the bedroom!” And then you’ll get yourself together, remind yourself that you have some friends and a husband, and you’ll go buy some sexy panties that don’t come up past your bellybutton.

So do kids ruin your sex life and make you forget who you are as a woman? They sure can! But only if you allow it to happen.

What do you think? Have kids ruined your sex life?

featured image credit; post images credit Meredith Soleau

Amanda February 15, 2013 at 9:51 am

Did having kids ruin my sex life? Yes and no, just like Meredith said. As soon as they handed me my firstborn in the hospital and called me ‘mom’ instead of my first name, I felt at that very moment my identity had changed. And changed drastically over the next, oh, 10 years. My kids are now a teen and a tween and thankfully can use the microwave and the remote control so the hubby and I can close the bedroom door and enjoy some much-needed private time more often than once a week. It’s kind of a busy time with wee babies and toddlers, along with working and taking care of your house, etc. During those early years, my husband and I were more into unexpected naptime than unexpected romps. lol However, the tides they are a’turnin’ now! Until the kids start driving/dating. Sigh.

Tawny February 15, 2013 at 9:58 am

My sexy time better come back. This whole not feeling sexy during pregnancy blows. I am still actively participating in our sex life, but not ya know? My goal is to fit into my old VS secret shit at least a year after baby girl gets here. If I have to endure some quickie not that great sex until my body gets back to normal fine, but damn do I miss the way shit used to feel. Ok that is all.

Frustrated Pregnant Lady

Ashley February 15, 2013 at 9:59 am

I think the ages of Aunt Car’s friends’ kids are telling: TWIN TWO YEAR OLDS and a 16 month old. I repeat: TWIN TWO YEAR OLDS.

My kids are now 13, 11 and 5 and we are having hot, hot sex, 2, 3, sometimes even 4 and 5 times a week (though 4 & 5 doesn’t happen nearly as often as 2 and 3). But when my kids were babies? No. Some of this is because our marriage was struggling but some was also because of the exhaustion & laserbeam focus that comes along with having babies.

I also think – and don’t really have stats to back this up but that is neither here nor there – that the hormones happening in a woman’s body after she has a baby plays a role in her lack of sex drive. I think the body says, “Hey – we just made one of those things and now it’s time to take care of it. If we keep having sex we might make ANOTHER ONE and we cannot even begin to think about that level of Tired. So how about we mix up a little hormone cocktail that shuts off our sex drive? Sounds like a plan.”

Hearing moms of babies/toddlers/pre-schoolers say their sex life has disappeared . . . I think that’s pretty normal. I agree that if it isn’t happening naturally, scheduling it is a great idea. Sometimes the motor won’t start on it’s own and you have to push the car down the hill and pop the clutch like Karate Kid and his mom when he took Elisabeth Shue on the date. Ignore my terrible metaphors.

Then when the kids get old enough to pee, eat, play on their own, you’ll find you have to devote less physical and mental energy to those things and can direct it in other areas.

Amanda February 15, 2013 at 10:14 am

YES!! The hormonal changes that come with pregnancy and postpartum, I think, definitely play a big role. Oddly enough, now that my kids are older, and I’m older, I’ve had a boost in my libido, which makes it more enticing to have sex more often. I liked your metaphor! :)

Ashley February 15, 2013 at 10:25 am

Same here! My libido is off the chain at the moment. I’m 35 so I figure it’s a combination of my kids being older, being really happily married (took us so long to get there!), letting go of some of my former hangups and what everyone says about women hitting their sexual peak in their 30s.

Jess February 15, 2013 at 10:00 am

I’ve spent a lot of time, therapy, and money on anti depressants lately screaming to people that I don’t know who I am anymore…at this point, my identity comes in the form of a 4 year old diva and a 2 year old we lovingly refer to as “Captain Destructo.” Granted, I wouldn’t trade my children for the world, but it’s so easy for you to lose your identity as a woman when you become a mom…especially in the early years when you’re exhausted and completely disheveled ALL. THE. TIME! Does it ruin your sex life? It did mine for awhile. You aren’t exactly wanting to jump into bed with a 28 year old man-child that only wants to be an adult and help out when it’s convenient. I think a lot depends on how much of a support system your spouse is. It’s hard to feel sexy when looking at the sperm donor that made your life this way makes you want to claw their eyeballs out…in a loving way of course…

Michelle February 15, 2013 at 10:44 am

I currently have a 10 month old and sex is getting back to normal. We got pregnant with him (a complete unplanned accident) a month after marriage. We were the two or three times a day kind a couples until a month of pregnancy changed my energy levels to only once a day. Now granted our sex life was good while I was pregnant (high level sex drive), but after he was born it was at a nil. We were both too exhausted to even contemplate sex. My son had gas problems the first six weeks so we were up most of the night helping him pass gas. I’m sure we fell asleep sitting up sometimes. After the six weeks we were greedy for sleep again and sex was still not a figure of speech. Now it may have happened every now and again, but it was clumsy and unclimatical (is that even a word). It didn’t get to the point until he was six months and sleeping most of the night.
Know as far as losing your identity. Yes it can happen. I have a friend that I FORCE her to go on dates with her husband, but it shouldn’t be that way. I’ve always wanted to be a mom. I am the eldest of six, and have watched my mom be a mom AND a wife AND a woman. My father was supportive and helped her separate from mommyness to be a woman. A man has a lot of influence on how you see yourself. He wooed her and still, now grandparents continues to woo her. She sees herself as a woman because he shows her she is. Before my husband and I married, my father took him under his wing and had him watch how he treated my mom. My husband was a good pupil. Its the little things that make you know you are a woman. How he woos you is key. Your favorite fruit, a note, taking out the trash, playing with baby so you can shower, a kiss on the forehead, whispering in your ear. Does wonders for a woman’s sex drive.

Connie February 15, 2013 at 12:52 pm

Looks like lots of younger moms are commenting here so I will chime in as an old mom. My kids range in age from 20 to 30 and there are 4 of them. No, you do not need to lose yourself in your kids – in fact, if you want a healthy marriage, I suggest that you do not. Also, I did not work outside the home so it would have been really easy to just become a mom. But you have friends, make new friends, have interests, find new interests, take time to stay interested and interesting. Seriously, NO ONE wants to talk to someone who cannot talk about anything besides children. And just make time for the marriage as well. Get an overnight sitter and go to a hotel an hour away if that is the best you can do, but DO IT. Time devoted to your marriage during the chid years means that when the kids are gone (and you are in your 50′s and menapausal like me!), you will still have a relationship with your husband and you will want to be with him. I love that all the kids are out of the house and we can just be a carefree couple again.

Nicole February 15, 2013 at 9:16 pm

No kids in the house. No sex since April 2011. He has Viagra and Cialas in his nightstand but, nothing. Am I going nuts (haha)? Damned straight. We have been together for 5.5 years, not married, living together. Somebody lend me a kid so I can get laid twice a week please.

Wendy February 19, 2013 at 4:16 pm

Oh honey, we should talk. 4 times in the last 2+ years. I have some ideas for you about tests he should have & conversation starters that don’t leave him feeling attacked.

Nicole February 21, 2013 at 12:55 am

Guess what? He took a pill Sunday night. We are back in business. I had to have a drink first because I was nervous.

Jamie February 16, 2013 at 2:00 pm

Having kids did change things for us. We, like you and your husband, were very sexually active. Then we had two kids 17 months apart. All those months of pregnancy did me in (I really was not in the mood while pregnant. I had constant morning sickness with both pregnancies, and my hips always hurt). Then, there were these little people who NEVER slept. We were both exhausted, and even my husband (with an insanely high sex drive) was more interested in sleeping anytime we were in bed. Now that the kids are 5 and 6 things are starting to get back to normal. I’m nearly 35 myself now, and I’ve noticed that my sex drive is coming back in full force. I don’t know if it’s my age (since they say a woman peaks, sexually, in her 30s) or the fact that the kids require so much less attention and maintenance.

Amanda February 18, 2013 at 9:01 pm

As someone said above, the huge thing here is the ages and numbers of the kids. Two year old twins? I can’t even imagine. One two year old was enough of a challenge!

For my husband and I, sex has always been a way to maintain our emotional connection, and without regular sex, I feel lonely. 2 weeks postpartum, we were fooling around again. We didn’t have sex – there was no way – but we needed to get that connection back. (And we did end up having sex about five weeks after, and it was fine.) Now that kiddo is 4, getting sexy time is easier. And I agree with what some of the other women have said – I’m 34 (35 soon), and having the best (and most frequent) sex of my life right now!

As for keeping your identity, well, you don’t really get to have an identity besides mom for the first bit of it. Babies are all consuming for awhile, and I didn’t want to do anything other than be with my baby for those first few weeks. BUT: after that, I couldn’t WAIT to get myself back. In fact, I finished my master’s thesis while I was on the second half of my maternity leave. It gave me something to focus on that wasn’t child related, it was a reminder to me that I had a professional life that I loved, and it was a goal that I really, really wanted to accomplish. A happy mom means a happy kid.

One last thing, teacher to teacher – at the time boyo was born, I was teaching high school. I generally gave a lot of energy to my students, and had several students who were very emotionally needy. After boyo was born, I found that I did not have that emotional energy to invest anymore and I had to change the nature of my relationship with some of my students. I was still a good teacher, and I am proud of the job I did, but I had to learn how to prioritize my emotional life, if that makes sense. So you don’t have to totally subsume yourself into “mom”, and you don’t have to give up your sex life, but you may find that your relationship with your students will change a bit.

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