I’m having crazy thoughts. Not those thoughts that scream, “GO SEE A THERAPIST, NUT JOB!” but those thoughts that your closest friends put in your head…
A little background:
Four of us had an appetizer girls’ night out on Monday night. Two of these girls have hubbies and kids- the other two were my sister and me (sister is unmarried/unattached and I am newly married with no kids). The two with families decide to tell my sister and me all about their kids. I have no problem with their kids. I love their kids. I’m Auntie Car to these kids! But, my girlfriends have lost their identities to their children (they have 3 kids between them, twin 2-year-olds and a 16-month-old). The mom of the 16-month-old flat out told me that I will have no life or identity once I have kids. She also informed me that I will no long want sex with my husband after I have kids.
My problem? I have worked a lot on who I am right now. I am an awesome English teacher in the heart of Pittsburgh. I am an independent woman with THOUGHTS! Lots of thoughts!! I like to do things! Things with friends! You know what else I like? Sex. Sex with my husband. We have sex twice a day… at least 5 days a week! I know we are abnormal, but that’s who we are together- abnormal.
The night of our girls’ night, I came home and cried to my husband that I don’t want to lose my identity. I don’t want to not have sex with him. I feel like I can ask you these questions because, seeing your Facebook posts and Twitter feed (obviously we are interweb bffs), you don’t seem to have lost who you are! Am I being a crazy woman? Does this really happen?! AM I GOING TO NOT BE ME AFTER KIDS?!
I’ve been mulling this over for days… Please tell me I’m not crazy. I’m sure others have asked these questions… I’m just not sure who to ask. So, why not ask the woman who seems to be as “together” as a 30 something mom can be?
Do kids ruin your sex life? Yes.
Okay, so last night was Valentine’s Day, and my husband bought me roses and vodka. For sure, this man was hoping to get
a blowie sexy time. And then out of nowhere, our daughter vomited all over her bed, resulting in her coming into my bed where she ended up sleeping.
Sexy time was a no-go.
But this isn’t a regular incident (unless you have a sickly child – which no one ever plans for that). It was just a fluke that it happened to be on a day that we were planning on having more than pull-your-panties-to-the-side sex. To tell you the truth, I was so worried about my daughter, that I didn’t even think about the fact that we weren’t going to have sex anymore.
Your girlfriends are telling you the truth. It is very, very easy to lose yourself and get wrapped up in the lives of your children. As a matter of fact, Shaun and I went through this. We just totally forgot to have sex. Well, I forgot. He chased me around with a boner, complaining about how we never had sex anymore.
Sex begets sex. The more you have it, the more you… well… have it! And I imagine that’s why the two of you are humping like rabbits. Twice a day?! Go you! And also, the thought of twice a day, makes my vagina hurt a little bit.
Shaun and I put ourselves on a Saturday night schedule. Come Hell or high water, on Saturday nights, we were having sex. And pretty soon, we were having sex twice a week. Sex twice a week, when you have three children, is pretty good in my opinion. So maybe your girlfriends could try to schedule sex. Most things, once you have children, takes a small amount of planning.
Do I still think you’ll have sex twice a day? Heck no!
Having a child means you have someone in your life that requires you to be there for them. A baby cannot fight its way out of a wet paper bag. You have to do everything for that baby. You feed it with your
husband’s fun bags boobs. It arrives out of your love hole vagina, thus somewhat changing the sexy perception of your lady parts. But once you get through the baby phase and into toddler years, you will begin to really reconnect with your husband. At least, that’s been our experience. BECAUSE OMG I NEED SOME ADULT CONVERSATION!
We hire a babysitter and go on dates. We each have our lives separate from each other, and we go out with our friends. And we still make sure we have sex on Saturday nights after the kids go to sleep.
Also, I do not think any woman is really ever “ready” to have children. I sure wasn’t. I had no clue what being a mother would be like. It’s work. Lots of work. I was exhausted, and
sometimes mostly I looked and felt like shit, and for two years I walked around asking everyone if they could smell poop (because the smell of baby poop was ingrained in my brain).
I am not telling you this to freak you out. I am telling you this so you know.
But you’ll get through that stage. I did. And then you look at yourself, and you say, “What the hell happened to me?! I used to be sexy! And I used to enjoy myself in the bedroom!” And then you’ll get yourself together, remind yourself that you have some friends and a husband, and you’ll go buy some sexy panties that don’t come up past your bellybutton.
So do kids ruin your sex life and make you forget who you are as a woman? They sure can! But only if you allow it to happen.
What do you think? Have kids ruined your sex life?
featured image credit; post images credit Meredith Soleau