Through the 4 1/2 years since Gabriel’s father and I split up, Gabriel has met plenty of my friends and acquaintances. A few of those friends were people that I was, at the time, dating. Well, very few, as I don’t really date much. Hello? I’m awkward.
The attitude I’ve decided to take to dating is not to sweat a casual introduction early on, should it come up. Gabriel meets all sorts of people in the course of his daily life, and as I don’t attach significance to the moment he meets the mailman, our regular grocery clerk, or the upstairs neighbors, I figure why not just get it over with early in the game, when it’s not a big deal? I know that there’s a consensus among experts that introductions should wait, but I disagree. I think that introductions are less traumatic if they’re made early and casually, in the same manner that you might introduce someone to a friend from out of town or an acquaintance.
That said, I have always been extremely careful to treat dates just as friends when Gabriel is around. No hand holding, no cozying up. Gabriel has never seen the casual phase of a relationship, and I don’t think he, or any child, needs to. I think that children should be shielded from the romantic lives of their parents unless it’s a committed and serious relationship. One aspect of this attitude is my own protective instinct. I think that all parents strive to protect their children. Another aspect is my reaction the revolving door that my son sees on his dad’s bedroom. It’s confusing and emotionally challenging for Gabriel to be thrown in with a constantly changing cast of new people at his other home, to have his attachment to them encouraged, and then to have them disappear without explanation. Right or wrong, it’s made me react in the opposite way, shielding him from my relationships. I am protective of my son.
This year, for the first time, I decided that there was someone who was important enough that he could be my boyfriend, not just some guy I was dating. I can envision this person as a part of my family, and I wanted Gabriel to meet him and know him as such. I wanted him to be able stay the night at my house, I wanted to hold his hand while we walked to dinner, I wanted him to be a part of all aspects of my life, not just the tiny section of it I live when Gabriel isn’t around.
It’s been interesting. Gabriel has, either despite or because of the relationships he sees at his dad’s house, formed a very attached and protective relationship with me. He’s not used to another adult spending time at his mom’s house, and it’s made him clingy. For my part, I do my best to make sure that Gabriel doesn’t feel excluded, that he still feels listened to, that I’m available to him as always.
I talk to him. I want to know if he has questions, and I want to answer them. I want my son to know what normal, healthy relationships are like. I want him to have good examples. I want to set those examples.
Dating with kids is a package deal. It’s not just me, it’s me and my son and my son’s relationship with his own father. It’s scary to find someone to trust, who wants to be with you in the middle of your big ol’ mess. A serious relationship with a single parent involves a relationship with his or her kids as well, and no one who’s been there can tell you it’s easy. If they do, they’re just lying to make you feel better.
I can’t speak for the other side of the equation, for dating someone who has a child. I imagine that it’s hard, and that it’s scary. I imagine that there are a lot of questions, that decisions that would otherwise be easy are weightier and harder to make when considering the additional feelings of involved little ones.
I imagine all those things because it looks like that from this side of the line as well. I’m not just making decisions for myself, I’m making decisions for Gabriel, and I don’t want to be wrong.
I’m forging ahead and doing my best to build my life and my family. I try to make the right choices, and if it’s turns out I’m wrong, I’ll still be here to support Gabriel, to talk him through this crazy life of ours.
If you’re a single parent, what are your dating policies? What have your experiences been?
Have you ever dated someone with kids? What were the challenges? What did you learn?
Jenny Grace has been back in school for a year, raising her son for five, and growing up for twenty nine. She’s not quite done yet. Raised amongst goats and chickens on a ranch in the California countryside, she was sent off to high school at a Hindu yoga center, and spent her youth working at her family’s nightclub and bar. No really, Jenny grew up completely normal. Well, normal for a kid raised by hippies that is. Shrugging off her patchouli steeped roots, Jenny went on to get a Bachelor’s of Arts in Linguistics and a Master’s in Library and Information Science. Now she’s working on her Master’s in Accountancy. Don’t let degrees fool you though; she wastes most of her time with wine and crosswords. Jenny is a cunning linguist, honest beyond reason, and incapable of keeping her mouth shut. You can read more from Jenny Grace on her blog, Miss Disgrace.
“It’s not just me, it’s me and my son and my son’s relationship with his own father.”
This line is absolutely perfect. I think this is one of the things that most often goes unsaid or is not thought about in blended family situations. I’m a stepmom, and I don’t just have to deal with parenting with my husband, but also my SD’s mom. Compared to some stories I hear, we all get along relatively well, but she and I have some fundamentally different views on raising children (and specifically, some girl/feminist issues) that make it challenging.
Obviously, it’s all well worth it, but it doesn’t mean that some days aren’t damn hard and exhausting.
I think that the more adults you add to the mix, the more complicated the dynamics will inevitably be.
I’ve dated men with children. And Anon is absolutely right. The toughest part is the Ex. In a perfect world, everyone acts like an adult (especially around the children), but unfortunately, this isn’t always the case. I’ve ended up playing referee before, which is ridiculous in the extreme.
I wouldn’t say it’s with the ex specifically, just that you are dealing with three adults with differing opinions. In the current relationship (marriage or not), opinions happen within a realm of commitment, and you have a greater window in which you can push and pull at each other. In the blended family relations, you don’t have the emotional attachment to the ex, so it’s much easier to not want to waver on your ideals, and think yourself the one who has the ‘right’ answer. You really have to take a step back on some of the more ‘gray’ issues and try to consider and respect everyone’s input, no matter how hard it may be.
I agree. I think it’s easier to demonize an ex, since you don’t love that person, and probably they hurt the man or woman with whom you’re emotionally involved. But they are still the other parent. I try to keep that in mind and be respectful of my ex.
After my divorce, I dated a few different men. I did not introduce them to my kids and kept it seperate. Until i got serious with the man who is now my second husband. We dated for about 8 months before I started involving him in kid related activities. The kids knew about him of course, but I wanted to make sure that he was going to be around for a long time before I got them attached as well. He was very understanding of this, and after they all met and we started doing things together it all seemed to flow so well. After 3 years of dating we were married and now we are living our happy ever after.
on the other side of my divorce:
My ex husband moved in with his g/f about 3 months after our divorce…which meant that my kids were thrust into that relationship right away while the divorce wounds were still fresh. I saw how hard this was on them, and didn’t want to add to that craziness. I helped them cope with their “new family” (she had a child as well) as I was getting adjusted to being on my own before i delved into a new relationship.
I was single for a long time before I got really comfortable with dating as a parent. Helping Gabriel cope with his other home was a big part of why it took me so long.
This is such an interesting and relevant post. I suspect that I will be thrust into the dating world soon, and I have little ones. Gave me much to think about, for sure. Thank you.
Good luck! It’s a big scary world out there. Either that, or I’m a big scaredy cat.
It’s equally hard on the other side of the fence. As a stepmom who had to come in – and as someone who never really planned on having kids at all – it was scary as hell and hard. Still is. I’m not sure it ever gets “easy”, but there are good days and bad days.
We had/have some steadfast rules:
- we never badmouth the other household. NEVER
- we do not fight in front of the kids
- it is understood that each household is different
You want enough consistency between the two homes, but we have some rules that his other house doesn’t, and vice versa. I think kids are smart enough to learn the distinction.
Oh we never badmouth the other household, and I have the same thing about rules. There are different rules at the different houses, and I trust that Gabriel is smart enough to tell the difference, just like you have different rules in different classrooms, etc.
Great post. As far as our household goes, the kids were introduced to Steve about six months into the relationship. Yes, the divorce was still fresh, but their dad and I (we think) did a pretty good job assuring them they were not the reason for the split and that our love for them was unconditional and consistent. Steve worked into our family in a gradual and progressively deeper way. It eventually came to a point where the kids were disappointed when he wasn’t there and asked him to stay over. To a certain extent, we let them take the lead and set the pace. Within six months of Steve’s move from FL to NV, he had moved in and fully integrated as a member of our family.
While at first, the ex wasn’t happy that I had moved on rather quickly, I think he’s moved past it and appreciates having a deeper bench of parental and semi-parental units to raise our kids. Yes, it helps that he’s moved on to a new relationship as well. In the end, I think we both recognize that happier parents make for happier and more successful kids.
BTW, I’m over the moon happy for you in your new relationship. Don’t worry, Gabriel will come around. Give it time and be patient. I wish you all the best as you grow together.
We’ve been living as
After the whole Dude fiasco, I figured the next man Alex would see me with was the undertaker. Then . . .
So DP (I have no blog name for him yet) and his little one came up. We are extremely early into the sniffing each other out stage if you will, so it was easy to treat it as casual – because it was. They spent the night, everyone went to their separate rooms.
So we will see. But same as you – no need to be boy-girl affectionate around the littles in any case. And given lots of things in the equation, I’m really glad both of our kids have the opportunity to see their parents in contact with someone of the opposite sex in a POSITIVE way.
From the childs viewpoint -
I was 3 when my parents divorced. I had a stepmom within probably a year. Being that young when the addition was made really gave me (and her) the benefit of being able to get very close. My mom took her time finding someone else, and both of my parents have made their 2nd marriages work.
Now at 32, and really pretty much through all dating I did, I wanted to make sure I ended up marrying someone that was going to make it work. Heck we waited to get married until our daughter was 11. Their decisions had a huge impact on how I lived, but also gave me the benefit of having 4 parents who loved me.
So even though there may have been issues when I was young and watching, it really just made me more careful with my own decisions.
I honestly don’t think we give children enough credit. As long as there is stability and love from one source, they are able to process a lot and be able to deal with it.
I became a single mom when my son was 2, just before his 3rd birthday. My policy while dating was that he wouldn’t meet anyone until it was serious. I broke this policy once when I dated a guy who had a daughter Styles’ age. Our first date was to the zoo. And several weeks later he got back together with his ex-wife so it never went anywhere. I don’t think that my son ever equated this guy as a boyfriend of mine because we were always with his daughter and him together.
I had another serious relationship and we were on and off for about 2 years. He just couldn’t get past the fact that I had a son. He was afraid that he would always be the “bad stepparent” and that my son would always disrespect him.
So I was single again for a full year before dating the love of my life. He’s younger than me and I was worried that he wouldn’t be able to take on the parent role at such a young age. But he did. And he walked right into it with no problems. Sure, it’s difficult for him. It’s difficult for me too. I feel like I have to run interference between the two of them often because my hubby is kind of hard on my son. But now that my hubby and I have 2 kids of our own, I realize that it is just his parenting style.
The other monkey wrench in the equation is that my son’s father has had nothing to do with him in years. But now he’s getting remarried to a gal who has a son and all of a sudden he wants to see his boy. My husband says absolutely not but I’m bound by the state to let him go. It’s been the source of a lot of frustration and argument lately.
I became a single mom with a 5 year old and a 2 year old, I assumed I would be a single mom for awhile with a few dates now and then. I had some male friends that I introduced to my boys; guys that were never any more than friends so there was no risk of attachment and them leaving. My boys never met anyone I dated until I started seeing my now fiance. Fiance and I were friends with no intentions of being anything more, and I took my boys to the beach one day to hang out and take photos of fiance skim boarding as a favor to him. They boys and fiance clicked with each other, it was a natural relationship. Long story short, fiance and I started dating (maybe because of how amazing he was with my kids?) and they boys have been a part of it from day one. Most of our first dates involved taking them to the zoo or to lunch and movie. We are getting married in 6 weeks and he will move in with us, my boys can’t wait. I guess the moral of my story is that it seems to vary with every relationship.
I have been seeing a guy for a year and it’s been very serious for about 6 months, when it became serious that is when I introduced my daughter to my boyfriend. (I reallllly wish I had done it earlier on). My daughter is almost 8 and she and I have been our own unit for 6.5 years. Me being single all those years and her being 1 year old when her dad and I split, she doesn’t remember me with anyone but her. My boyfriend is moving in with us. My daughter used to love him but he takes my side on matters and now she doesn’t like him for that reason. She is VERY clingy to me and I have no idea what to do. This guy and I are very serious. Talking about marriage and forever, I just don’t know how to get my daughter to soften to him again. Any advice?
I think that what you’re describing sounds really normal. I would just continue to provide your daughter with lots of love and reassurance. That said, I wouldn’t let her dictate your relationship with your partner, as I feel it sets a dangerous precedent to let kids think they’re in charge of your personal life. You don’t want to end up in a position where you resent your daughter.
I am glad to know I am not the only one going through this. But I really wish it would get easier. I am very new at this post divorce dating with a child even though I my ex husband and I split up 3 years ago.
Please keep the great comments coming. I have finally found someone that I want to be a part of my life and my seven year old daughter’s life but we are going through some really hard patches. I don’t know if they will ever stop seeing each other as the enemy.
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