A few weeks ago I wrote about infidelity and spoke anonymously with people who have been on both sides of an affair.
The conversation was eye-opening, but it didn’t stop there. The emails poured in, and today, we are going to share one of them with you. She is the other woman, and this is her story.
I’m just gonna put this out there:
I’ve been seeing a married man for six years.
I feel like my heart is about to pound out of my chest. I’ve never written that line ever and I don’t even think I’ve said it out loud.
I’m not proud of this. It’s something I really dislike about myself. I know if my friends or family members knew, they’d be very disappointed in me.
We didn’t start our relationship with these intentions. I can’t even remember how exactly I fell down this rabbit hole. All I know is I’m not ready to stop – and neither is he.
I don’t want to “steal” him away from his wife. (I hope that she never finds out about us!) And by no means does he want to leave his wife, either. He tells me that he cares about her and that he loves her and they have a great relationship, blah blah blah. He has never bad mouthed his wife. I’ve asked him on several occasions why he cheats and to my surprise he tells me, “it’s fun, I like having fun.” I would have bet money that he’d say the typical ‘I don’t find her attractive anymore, we don’t have sex anymore, I’m out of love with her,’ but nope. He loves her, they have great sex and it’s not her, it’s him. He simply likes the rush of cheating.
I would never want to be in a relationship with him. I tell him that I don’t trust him. I figure that if he can flat-out lie to his wife about his actions then he can easily lie to me and say he doesn’t have another woman somewhere else.
We have this crazy sexual chemistry that I’m addicted to. When I’m with him nothing else matters. Morals, ethics, values are all out the window. Catholic guilt? What’s that? I just don’t care.
We’ve tried to stop. I think we were successful for about three weeks, then we just gravitated back to each other. The thing is, I also consider him my best friend. I can talk to him about anything. I can cry in front of him and not feel like an ass. I can tell him about my day and how much it totally sucks and he hears me out. I do the same for him. He vents about his work, his family, any personal issues he might be having. I remind him about his wife’s birthdays, give him advice on her birthday, Christmas and anniversary gifts. For crying out loud, I even helped him plan her surprise birthday party.
I do all that stuff because as his friend I want to help him. I like knowing that I’m helping him. I’m there for him the way he is for me.
I know, I know, you hate me and you’re calling me every single name in the book. In my sick and twisted way of thinking, somehow I’ve convinced myself that since I don’t want anything serious with him and I don’t love him, it doesn’t count as cheating. This is purely just a physical addiction.
Yet, I feel like an asshole when Catholic guilt does set in. I’ve confessed my sins to my priest. I’ve cried rivers while in church.
In my last relationship I was cheated on. I know what it’s like for the shoe to be on the other foot. That kills me because I remember how devastated I was. I remember the depression I went in to. They’re memories I keep locked up and I hope and pray that when I actually do find Mr. Right he’ll only have eyes for me.
We’ve talked about stopping. I told him that if we stopped I couldn’t continue being his friend. I’m not friends with my ex-boyfriends and I don’t keep boys that have seen me naked as friends. The “no more friends” thing kills him. He panics. He tells me that he doesn’t have friends. That makes me sad. I don’t want to abandon him since I genuinely care about him but at the same time I know when I do find a relationship with someone I want to settle down with I won’t be able to keep up with this double life.
Now it’s your turn. Hit me with your best shot. Tell me how horrible I am. Maybe I need to hear it from others in order to actually stop. Am I the only one with this kind of situation?
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Having been the wife in this situation, I can honestly tell you what bothers me the most, b/c the homewrecker in my situation said the same thing…
If you know how it feels to be cheated on…how in the world could you EVER want to make someone else feel that way, intentionally? Knowing what I went through and how it feels, I could never in a million years imagine putting someone else through that.
I am judging you, but I’m sure you know exactly what I am saying on the inside, so I won’t put it on the outside.
This story makes me really sad. It is impossible that anyone in this situation is happy.
He is selfish and taking advantage of two women (he has friends, he just wants to keep you on his hook) one of which he vowed to be faithful to and forever effecting the lives of everyone around him. The wife is either knowingly or unknowingly (I’m thinking the former) in a relationship with a man who doesn’t respect her enough to be faithful or end it, and you are with someone you don’t trust and are watching and helping him cheat.
I think it’s obvious how much this is going to hurt the wife but do you realize what it’s doing to you also? Are you ever going to be able to be in a relationship with someone and trust them? Six years without trusting the person you are with is a long time and going to be a hard habit to break.
I honestly want to think the best in people so I am going to assume that you wrote this post to get the strength you need to leave him and I hope you do. You and his wife both deserve someone who will respect you enough to be faithful. You are not going to find that as long as he’s in your life and his wife won’t find that as long as she’s in the dark.
I really hope you get away from this guy because, based on your comment about crying rivers in church to your priest, I don’t think you like who you are when you’re with him. One thing I’ve learned from this site is that everyone deserves to love themselves.
Reading this made me heave a heavy sigh… It sounds sooo familiar.
Before I begin my comment, let me say that at different times in my life, I’ve been on all three sides of this coin: the cheated-on wife, the cheating wife, and the mistress.
I was in a relationship with a married man for three years. For a long time, it was good. I liked the “no strings attached” relationship that we had. We had great sex; and beyond that we were great friends. He told me that he would never leave his wife and I didn’t want him to. I had no interest in breaking up his marriage. I wanted someone who was generally available when I needed them, but who didn’t live with me. He was perfect for this. I too, supported his relationship with his wife.
But a little over a year into it, I started to desire a “real” relationship. I wanted someone who could be there for me at night, too. I didn’t want to be a mistress anymore, but I wanted to be a real girlfriend. I expressed this to him and he started telling me that he was planning on getting a divorce and that I should just be patient. Now, the old saying “If he’ll cheat with you, he’ll cheat on you.” was constantly ringing in my head. I knew I didn’t want to be in a real relationship with him, because he would just do the same thing to me. I broke things off with him, several times, because I didn’t want to play second fiddle, anymore. I came to realize that I deserved better than that.
Toward the end of the relationship, we were just off and on, as I was dating and only seeing him between other guys. His wife found out about us, because (unbeknownst to me) she was friends with a coworker of mine. I guess I had said something about him to this coworker and she put two and two together and told her friend. The wife ended up creating a fake online profile at a dating site I was on (she pretended to be a man and contacted me there). I said something to “him” about looking for a relationship, but still having sex with my ex, until I find a real boyfriend. Well, next thing I know, he’s calling me saying that I told his wife that we were having sex.
After that, the wife and I started chatting online. She was quite interested in me and I saw nothing wrong with telling her what she needed to hear. If she was brave enough to ask the questions, I was going to be brave enough to answer them. This irked him to no end, but I really didn’t care, at that point. I figured she deserved some honesty and if he wouldn’t give it to her, I would. He was refusing to answer her questions and he begged me not to.
Last time I checked her social network page (about a year and a half ago) they were still together. They were taking vacations to exotic destinations, starting up new businesses and seemed (looked it in pictures and said it in descriptions) quite happy.
I know a lot of you will disagree, but I was a symptom of a problem in their relationship – I was not the problem, itself. If your husband is cheating on you, then you have a problem in your relationship – and it’s not the other women (though they’re easy to focus on). He obviously needs something (what? I don’t know) that you can’t give him. Perhaps you married the wrong man. Perhaps he married the wrong woman. Perhaps you grew apart. Perhaps you stopped having sex. Whatever the problem is, cheating is just a symptom, it is not the problem.
Do I have regrets? Not really, no. We all learned something from that experience. No one has their eyes closed, anymore. Everyone was forced to deal with the elephant in the room; and as painful as growth can be, it’s necessary.
They have their happy ending and I have mine. It all seems to have worked out for the best.
I’m not going to call you names or tell you how horrible you are and how little self respect you must have.
I’m just going to go back in time to January 8, 2007, when I was diagnosed with a disabling, incurable disease that has already put me on disability and has forced me to use a wheelchair for long distances.
What if you were the one sitting in the chair as the doctor spoke the words that would change your life? Who would you turn to? What would your lover be able to do for you?
I was so lucky that I had a wonderful husband to turn to who has stood by my side. He’s had to carry me to bed when I collapsed on the floor. He’s pushed my wheelchair through parks and shopping malls. He’s helped with the kids’ care when I was unable to. (I collapsed this morning at 11:00 AM and didn’t wake up till 11 PM-I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome along with an alphabet list of other disabilities) He adjusted to living on not my paycheck but my disability retirement money. (Plus his job of course).
I have remained friends (I have never cheated, at 33 I was so glad to find a great guy that nobody in the world could tempt me to endanger this marriage) with several old boyfriends, some married, some not. They sent word that they were really sorry to hear the news.
My heart breaks that we have squeezed and pinched our sexuality into little boxes marked husband, wife, and other.
In my mind, passion/love/intimacy, whatever you want to call it is the ultimate expression of our connection with the human race. It is the church and the state who have decided that it only acceptable to give all of ourselves to one single person for the duration of our lifetime. This works for some people, but for a hell of a lot of other people, monogamy is completely outside of their nature. Love is not finite — who decides that we cannot love more than one person at a time?
People who find themselves in relationships with married partners or who stray from their “one and only” are not immoral or wrong, it is the ‘ethics’ of western culture tell us how we should connect emotionally to each other, which is wrong.
Authenticity would solve it all. Clearly articulated expectations between two people without grandiose promises of “until death us do part” would be eliminate the betrayal, the hurt and the guilt.
When I read through all the comments from people whose marriages haven’t worked it is clear that the institution is failing us. We shouldn’t be insulting each other because of our human shortcomings but instead asking if the standards we expect of ourselves and each other do more harm than good.
I know that almost no one will agree with me and I’ll be taken to task for the notion of a society without institutionalised love because it’s almost impossible to think outside of ‘the way things have always been’ and what your version of God says. It doesn’t matter to me. I’m just here to put forth a different point of view that might give someone comfort or insight around this heated issue.
Love this!
“Authenticity would solve it all. Clearly articulated expectations between two people without grandiose promises of “until death us do part” would be eliminate the betrayal, the hurt and the guilt. ”
The problem is, the wife is an unwilling and unknowing participant. What you’ve written here is a pretty excuse for sneaking around and lying to someone that trusts you. It’s bullshit.
Your point is valid, and one to be considered. But the real issue with this particular relationship (at least, the way I understand it) ISN’T that the extra-marital affair exists. Most people are fine with the idea of a couple having an understanding that allows them sexual contact outside of the primary relationship. But for that type of relationship to work, it requires HONESTY and COMMUNICATION between all those involved in the relationship, and this affair is lacking both of those aspects. Also, I haven’t seen anyone mention that they would be against divorce. The real hurt here (in the stories of the failed relationships) seems to have been caused by the lack of honesty, not the subsequent divorce.
I’ve been on all sides of the issue, the cheater, been cheated on and have been the other woman. I won’t judge what you’re doing or who you are. I don’t know you or your situation. Only the parties involved know the whole story.
I will say however, that life is made up of choices and consequences. A person needs to be able to live with the consequence of their choice. No matter what the outcome.
“No matter how far you’ve gone down the wrong road, you can always turn back”
Not sure where this quote comes from but I feel it’s so true. I am the cheated on wife. A year ago I discovered that my husband of 14 years (my high school sweetheart) had been having an affair with a co-worker. The other woman was married, (we even went on double dates with them) but she left her husband to pursue mine. She wanted my life…my husband, our kids, the house…the whole nine yards, she told me so when I confronted her.
I have to be honest, our life was a pretty nice picture from the outside. She worked on gaining my husband’s favor for over a year, she would always call him during his hour drive to and from work, she would bring him lunch and flatter and flirt with him all day. He even said at one point she was like a ‘best friend’. When she started the physical advances he quit his well paying job to distance himself from her. But she continued calling and showing up at his new job. Then at a very low moment, right after his father had passed away, he caved for the first time.
For the next 6 months he would go to her condo a couple mornings a week and she would give him oral sex…guess he thought that wouldn’t be as bad as the full deal…I disagree. He said it was never about sexual chemistry or attraction, he just felt like crap and she made him feel better, if only for a little while. As for the BJ’s he has said he would have been better off paying her for them because that was really all it was to him. He had ended it a month before I found out because she had started pressuring him for more sexually and for him to leave me.
Devastated doesn’t even began to describe how I felt the day I found out…I really think his death would have been easier to deal with. I took a leave from work, I couldn’t eat for weeks and I barely got out of bed. Not a moment went by that I didn’t think about him and her together. We fought, we cried but we both knew early on that we still loved each other very much and wanted to save our marriage.
It has been a rough year for both of us but I can honestly say that today we are doing better than ever. I still have the occasional bad day where those images flood my mind but even those are becoming rare. It sucks that it took an outside force like this other woman for us to realize just how much we love each other but it did.
So please move on and find a man that won’t treat you like a call girl, he is not your best friend. Do the right thing and give this couple’s marriage a chance to survive because with you in the picture that can never happen.
Many are commenting on how selfish you are, but I feel you quite the opposite. I would venture a guess that you have a very small sense of self, one that you chipping away a each time you engage in any capacity with this man. I feel you should be selfish (we all should to some extent) – you deserve to be in an awesome relationship with someone that respects you, someone you can go out in public with and that you trust unquestionably (yes, this takes time and effort to find and foster). You’re cheating yourself out of happiness and self-worth by engaging in this affair. Get selfish!
I actually find you more pathetic than evil. Anyone that would degrade herself in the way you are must not think they’re worth something more.
Your excuse that the sex is great is what’s so stupid and ridiculous here. Grow up. Really, just grow the eff up.
Anonymous, I am shocked at the way people are speaking to you. What people seem to forget is that YOU are a real person (and no, I’m not anonymous) and nobody has walked in your shoes. I know allowing Meredith to publish this must have been so hard. Having been the one cheated on and the other woman, it sucks for both sides. And I was both with the same man at different times.
My concern is for you. Not him, not his wife, and not the judgemental people who have called you such horrific things. Yes, you are in a horrible relationship and have done things that may be horrible but YOU are not a horrible person. I’m afraid that you are putting your life on hold, whether you realize it or not. I know how it hurts to not be able to tell your friends how happy you are, to not be able to tell stories about your weekend or show off pics of good times with him.
Nobody knows his side of things, or his wife’s side either. Maybe they have an open relationship, maybe she knows about you, maybe she knows nothing, maybe she encourages him. Maybe he’s telling you things to heighten the taboo factor. The only one who knows is him.
I’m sure that some of the readers here will have some harsh words for me too. And that’s fine. I hope you’ll let us know what happens as you make some difficult decisions. I know I’d like to know you’re okay. In the meantime, remember that maybe some people who live in glass houses should try closing the blinds…
I would like to offer some advice to you. I have been cheated on by my husband, so I know what it feels like. At the time, we were married for 24 years. He had just lost his job and was going through a bad time emotionally. When I found out, he broke off with the other women (yes, there were more than one–they didn’t know about each other), and promised to change. They really didn’t mean much to him; he was just using them to make himself feel better at a time when his ego was bruised.
I stayed because we had younger children at the time and I didn’t want to break up our home for their sake. It has taken me FIVE years to get over the hurt, anger and devastation that I felt, but he has truly changed in many ways and our marriage is better than it was before.
Even though you are behaving in a very selfish way, you may not be selfish enough. And by that I mean that you are definately NOT behaving in a way that is in YOUR own best interest. You need to get a life where you are the first and most important in that life and not be the leftovers of someone else’s life. It would be a real eye opener for you if you could hear what this guy tells his wife. This affair with you is not at all about you. It is about HIM. You deserve better and it’s up to you to make it better for yourself.
You already know what you need to do to make it better. The fact this guy has such a hold over you is because you haven’t put anything else in your life that’s worthwhile. You’ve allowed him to fill your life up because it’s easy. It’s up to you to do the work to make your life better. And you already know that you would be better off without him.
I am you right now. I have read every comment thus far to you. I can’t tell you how much this has opened my eyes in every way.
The reason the feedback is so negative is it touches (well, okay, scrapes like sand paper) a nerve in almost every woman. It is one of our deepest fears in life. It is the scariest thing that can happen to a marriage. However, the reality is that many, if not most, of us will deal with the issue of cheating in our marriages at one point or another. Not saying that it actually will happen, just that in most marriages at one time or another, there will be temptation on one or possibly both partners’ sides. While it scares the crap out of me, I am not so blind or naive to say that “That will never be me.” Or “That will never be my husband because I will cut his dick off.” The fact is, I don’t think most people that have affairs go looking for them – I kind of think many people fall into them and are more susceptible to them because of other current factors in their lives, particularly when a marriage is in a rough patch. This dickhead, though, clearly has been looking to cheat on his wife. He likes to. So why the hell get married in the first place? But I digress.
This woman knows she needs to do but isn’t strong enough yet. If she has guilt, then she knows that what she is doing isn’t right for her. It is true that the wife and children will be hurt in this, but I don’t think that is going to motivate her to do the right thing. She has to want to do it for herself, like an addict has to want to stay sober for himself, because doing it for others doesn’t work. I would just say to her: Six years. That is how much time you have wasted on this douche. Time that you can never get back. Six years is a long time and the chances that you missed out on meeting a great guy during that time (one that you could have had a future with) are very probable. How much more time are you going to waste on a guy who can’t and won’t put you first? I mean, really. And he’s not your BFF either. He just says that shit so you will stick around. When you realize someone someone needs to put YOU first and that YOU are the only one that is going to put YOU first, maybe you will get the balls to end it. I don’t think you are a bad person per se, just incredibly weak. I hope that someday soon you find the strength to make this right.
Hey there, I don’t think you’re a horrible person. I think you are a weak willed person and you need to grow a pair. you KNOW what you’re doing is wrong. like someone else said, put yourself in her position, how would you feel? I, myself have cheated. I don’t know why I did it. I was confused and weak willed and didn’t know wht was going on with my life. it wasn’t a sexual cheat, I was kissed by another man, and I didn’t stop it. I felt awful afterwards. My boyfriend found out and punched a hole in the wall and later forgave me. we’re engaged now, and I would NEVER do anything like that again. I’ve had chemistry with other people. chemistry so strong that if I hadn’t had that experience, I probably would have cheated.
the wife needs to find out. If you just pull away, he’s going to find another ‘friend’. he’s playing with your emotions when he says that he has no friends and makes you feel sorry for him.
Please don’t continue. you know what it’s like. she’s going to feel the same way, if not worse because it’s a ‘good’ relationship. he needs to tell her. then they’ll have a chance.
I’m sure someone already asked this but if this is how he treats his wife that “He tells me that he cares about her and that he loves her and they have a great relationship, blah blah blah.” then why wouldn’t he treat his “best friend” with the same kind of respect?
Do you honestly think you are his only “best friend”? I some how doubt that….. good luck, I think you are going to need it.
Ok, This probably will draw some fire, but here goes.
I’m guilty, too. I was seeing a married man for a year or so. He lived out of town, he was only in my area very occasionally, but when he knew he’d be in the area he would call me and we would go out for an evening. I’d known him for 10+ years before he got married, and we hooked up occasionally then, and it just sort of continued. There is a lot to this story, but the end is still the same: I knew he was married, and I did it anyway. This is the only time I have ever or will ever, admit to this relationship to anyone but him.
I got engaged last August, and married in November, and the last time he called me I told him that it was time for me to move on. He was happy for me, and wished us all the best, and that was it.
The thing I learned is that I do have it in me to cheat, but I’ve made the conscious decision to not cheat. It would destroy my marriage to a great guy, and that would destroy me, too.
I was there, too.
I was in an emotional affair for about 18 months with a college friend of mine and my husband’s. Both married, both feeling neglected by our spouses. I was going thru some PTSD and feelings of low self-worth and he told me I was gorgeous. He took the time to listen to every word I had to say.
I love my husband, very dearly. The other man and I called things off six months ago and it was the best decision I could have ever made.
I invested all that effort and attention into my husband and he was so pleased with my change, he changed as well. Does he know? No. I really hope he never finds out.
But to the girl who wrote this – move on. Find the love of your life…one who will be with you and just you…and be HAPPY!
End it with him. You might find that the Mr Right you really want will suddenly appear once your eyes aren’t clouded with the thoughts and presence of another.
I had two very nasty relationships in a row – I never cheated, i’ve been tempted to, yes, but I never have. Anyway, once the last relationship I was in ended I deliberately focused on being single for a while (just over two years). Once my head had cleared and I had moved on, the right guy for me just strolled into my life. Believe me, he was worth waiting for.
What do you really have to lose if you try? Because you don’t really HAVE the guy you want now…Think about it.
I was just like all the other women on here who are saying that you’re a terrible person. My family was broken up because of my dad cheating and breaking my mom’s heart. I despised anyone who I knew was cheating or was involved in adultery of any kind…until I became one of them. I’m 19 years old and I planned to stay abstinent until marriage. Last year, I lost my virginity to a guy who I knew was legally married, but separated. When I met him, I completely thought he was single and we talked a lot and somehow, when he told me he “kind of” had a wife, I was already too deep in it to be able to just stop it right then. Now, he says they’re getting back together and that he still wants me on the side. They have a child together, which is the worst thing to me because I see myself as a baby when I think of his son. I don’t know how to stop at this point. He only asked me a couple days ago to still see him after she moves back in. You’ll never be able to say how you feel completely until you’ve been through it. I am someone who is known for being selfless, kind, and loving. Within the last year, I feel like I’ve lost myself in this affair and that there’s no way out. In my case, it’s different because he says he doesn’t love her and even she knows that, but he’s staying with her for his son.
If what you guys have is only for the sexual chemistry, you should really try to get out ASAP. You’ll never have a fulfilling and happy life being the woman on the side. You’ve been involved for six years. Imagine how many good men you’ve passed up in that time who could’ve been your soul mate. I wish you the best of luck and God bless.
I have been in a relationship with my kids father since 2000 for the bulk of or relationship he has cheated on me. It was to the point that he was having so much sex with her we would go months without having sex, his choice after all the years of infidelity I stood by. I didn’t want the other women to win. But I was losing by staying in such an emotionally damaging relationship. I finally took the time out to love myself and my children enough to break away from that loser and poor excuse of a man. You my dear are a selfish liar. You are in love with that man to let him use you as a vessel to betray his wife and the lord. That woman is his wife anything he is getting from you he can get from her. You are actually robbing his family of time and so many other things. It is sad for his family. What is more pathetic is that u know and you continue to so what you do and karma will have its way with you trust that
I have been cheated on, too, and like many women, I blamed the other woman instead of the cheater. When you really look at the situation, though, two out of three people made a commitment. It’s the man’s responsibility to keep fidelity, not the responsibility of all the women around him to not sleep with him. The guy cheats because he likes cheating, and will continue to do so when he’s not seeing you. You are doing something wrong: you’re ignoring the golden rule. But the man takes the primary responsibilty for hurting his wife and his family and for breaking promises. You should stop seeing him for two reasons: 1. You’re doing to someone else what you don’t want done to you. 2. Cheating is part of this jerk’s personality, and he is never going to be faithful to you, whether or not he eventually leaves his family for you. You said you want someone who is faithful, but staying with this man is preventing you from meeting a man who is capable of that.
been there done that plenty of times, I may not look like much, i don’t dress up, or get my nail or hair done. But, im just like one of the guys, I like to have fun and all. I just hate relationships, which im no good at. The end result is I got pregnant , the man did NOT stand up to be a man, but I Wouldn’t change it . I have a happy & healthy almost 3 year old. Im still Single, Having a kid changed me for the better. Crap happens, if the 2 of you are happy kudos, my last relationship, which i thought he cared for me, Turns out the second I walked out the door he was on the phone to whomever, and whatever be it man or woman, silly me. It does come back at you sometimes, but being the other woman, has made me stronger when I do Try to have a relationship. You go girl if it makes you happy, & loved. I say go for it.Life is too short. I sowed my wild oats, long time ago, before I had a kid. Im settled down now, & have learned a lot in life and I dont have many regrets, But some. No one can judge you but you, no one is in your shoes, till you are, then you will know what it is all about.
I do trust all the ideas you’ve introduced in your post. They’re very convincing and will certainly work. Nonetheless, the posts are very short for starters. May you please prolong them a little from next time? Thank you for the post.
I could tell you all some story or other about my personal experience with cheating but that’s not really the point I want to make.
I’ve read a lot of people talk about the morality of the issue, and it’s a big consideration, but my concern is for everyone’s health.
Have you always, 100% of the time, used protection with 100% accuracy? No. That’s impossible over a 6 year span. You are sharing every sexual partner that your “BF” has ever had. And so is his wife. The difference is that you know to get tested and to make sure that you’re careful. His wife doesn’t have that same knowledge. It’s not just her emotional well being that is being played with, it’s her life. It’s not fair to let her think she’s safe when she isn’t. And if he isn’t adult enough to tell her, you should be.
Thanks for posting. That was incredibly brave of you, considering how many people have attacked you here.
I’ve been there. I’ve had an emotional affair with a married man. It never became a full blown thing, but it might as well have been. It is wrong, yes, but you really grow to care about this person, and he about you. It feels as real as any “real” relationship.
I’ve also had emotional affairs with single men (I have a boyfriend). They felt intense, and sometimes better than my real relationship. It just makes me question my own relationship. Why do I keep doing this? I don’t really know. Probably partially out of loneliness, partially out of my own dissatisfactions and frustrations with my own boyfriend, partially out of my need to be wanted. It’s selfish, it’s bad, it’s all those words, I understand all those things intellectually, but I just don’t want to stop. I consciously shy away from these things, yet I enter into these things as easily as anything, and it’s hard to get out.
I have my own issues to be sorted out, for sure. What is this ugly need that can’t be fulfilled by just one good guy? I don’t really know.
Good luck to you.
Reading this hurts my heart. I have the hardest time letting anyone go from my life. I have an especially hard time with men. And I feel for you – because it sounds like you’re really torn about this at times. And I feel for you because I pity you. And I suspect that you’re probably a decent person. What you are doing is wrong and terrible. True, you didn’t make any sort of commitment before God and everybody the way he did. However, you’re doing something that would devastate another woman.
You know that, and you CHOOSE not to stop. He’d have no friends, no one to talk to? Is that a bigger problem than how devastated his wife would be if she ever found out?
To me, the solution is straightforward (though easier said than done). Stop. Delete his number from your phone and email address from your contacts list. Remove him from your chat lists, stop following him on Twitter, un-friend him on Facebook.
Then find things to fill your time – plan for the “breakup” and start scheduling stuff to fill your time.
You are not some seaweed floating on the ocean waves. You do not gravitate toward him. You keep CHOOSING to be with him. Its time to make better choices.
When I read the title of this article it stirred up very old emotions and I didn’t want to read it. But I did. I am the Ex wife of a cheater and abuser. Not only did my ex husband repeatly have affairs, he’d hit me. Only to apologize that it would never happen again and profess his love for me. We had 2 little girls, I felt I had to make it work for them. I couldn’t admit failure. My self esteem was in the toliet. I tried to make him happy. I worked 2 jobs so he could go to school to be a police officer. Who then ran around with a 17 year old. In public he was a smooth talker and Mr. nice guy. In secret I was afraid of him, he broke my back and threatened to kill me if I left him. Yet I have pictures of the perfect happy beautiful family. I don’t know which hurt worse the physical beatings or the emotional betrayal. Finally, I regained my self esteem, I had a letter from his ex girlfriend’s husband who was in prision asking me to keep my husband away from his wife. I had physical proof of his cheating ways, he wanted the letter I turned away, he hit me and broke another vertebra of mine. Only a chip fracture. He destroyed our family, he tired to destroy me. My poor girls if only I had left him sooner, my girls lives were never the same. They would struggle to come to terms with their father’s behavior and my weakness. He would go on to repeat his behavior with other women. He is now on his third marriage. Girl is that the kind of man you want? If he cheats on his wife he will cheat on you. And who knows what other character flaws he has.
Don’t be the doormat I once was. And don’t destory another woman. 9 years later I remarried. After regaining my self esteem and becoming a strong healthy woman. For 18 years now I have been married to my husband. He is a strong man, strong in love and faithfulness. Really you don’t want a weak, pathetic, selfish, man who can’t be faithful. You were created by God, loved by God. Surely you are worth much more than just hot sex. And ewee, is that before or after hot sex with his wife. Yuck. Wouldn’t you love to be loved by some one who only loves you?
Comment to my post: My girls never saw the abuse or knew about the affairs til later. The first time he broke my back my daughter was a baby.She doesn’t remember mommy’s metal brace that grandma had to help me with. Against my parents wishes I went back. The other things happened when children were at grandma’s,school or the babysitters. But the last time my younger daughter was two and saw it. When some one came to the door she told them daddy hit mommy. Later with his 2nd marriage they would see the abuse and hear of the affairs. I thought I was protecting them by never letting them see or know about his actions. They were young and needed to be safe and feel safe.
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